February 18, 2006

Time will Heal...

It's been ages since my last post...
That'd be due to my laziness... and the fact that my life has been thrown up and around so much, I have no idea where I should begin writing.
Just thinking about what I'm about to type next gives me goosebumps.

I was back in Malaysia for 3 weeks.
Met up with friends...
Had so much fun I didn't wanna return to Brisbane.
Life in KK was so much easier...
Being with friends back in KK was so much more sweeter...
So much happened.

I flew back to Brisbane on the 11th Feb...
Heart sore and all.
I cried more than usual too.
But above all, going back to KK showed me one thing.
It showed me the type of future I know I want.
A future that couldn't possibly involve Shaz.

14th Feb to everyone else would mean Valentines Day,
A day to celebrate love,
Thats something even I told others on Radio Sabah when I was a guest DJ the night before I flew...
But 14th February to me meant something else.
The day Shaz and I called it quits.

Yes... Shaz and I broke up.

You know...
I'm suppose to be happy about it.
After all, I was the one who made up my mind that my future couldn't possibly include Shaz.
I was the one who was convinced that Shaz and I need to break up.
I was the one who convinced Shaz that we would break up sooner or later anyway.
And now...
I'm the one crying.

The thing is, I never thought this chapter of my life would be this hard to shut off.
And I didn't realise how much I really did like him until I lost him.
All I was focused on was how life will be much simpler after the break up.

Shaz said he has accepted this.
Our Breakup.
He says he understood everything.
But I know he's hurting too.

You must be thinking,
"since u both still love one another, why not get back together?"

There's not a day that pass where I don't think of that myself.
In fact, I even ask, "why the hell did I have to make such decision?!"
But I know better...
Because even if Shaz and I do get back together,
We'd be at this same crossroad again.
Maybe in a month? A year? 2 years?
And what would we do then?
Break up and cry all over again?

Thats one thing I do not want to do again.
I've cried so much it scares me.
I do not want to go back and endure those nights again.
Nights where I had to cry myself to sleep.
Hating myself for hurting so much.
Hating myself for hurting Shaz so much.
Seeing his face and that expression...
And not being able to make things better.

I have to believe...
I have to believe that this is for the best.
I have to believe that one day,
Shaz and I would be able to look back at this experience and smile.
To say how much it hurt before, but do not regret it at the same time...
Because what we had was special...
And it will always be.

our last pic together...

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