.reasons to smile.

3 reasons to smile today -

x1. jimmy called to give me an update on how my frenchie (lets call him 'ben') is doing at the gold coast. he says ben is settling in well, very determined to find a job, relaxed and definitely under better living circumstances. so thats great. :) he also said ben misses me. :) :)

x2. i spoke to a friend today whom i havent spoken to for a while. we cleared the air about a few things, and agreed to many other things, which is definitely something good. i realised how much of a great person he is, and how big of a heart he has, even when under so much pressure from the "mess" we (or i) had recently created. he truly has lots of great qualities... i hope he would never lose that.

x3. 'ben' sent me an email. i know, we're suppose to go cold turkey... but obviously, caving is expected at some point. after all, i did already cheat by asking for his news from jimmy (his housemate) eventhough he didn't know about that. but yea, knowing that he misses me as much as i miss him, and that i'm not the only one struggling reminds me of what we had. and that is always a good reason to smile... :)

oooH... 4th reason! i FINALLY bought myself new sunnies! i thought i'd be blind before that day ever came. :)

i hope u guys had a good day too.
plein de bisous et de calins! ;)

.need to look after myself.

today of all days, i wish i still had my babe in my life. 

this whole cold turkey method him and i had agreed on is making me feel so empty. we've decided to wait 2 weeks before getting in touch again, just so feelings can be "cooled" a little. sigh. and then we'll try the 'friend' thing. plausible, huh? u tell me.

im determined not to miss him the entire 2 weeks... a few days, okay. granted. but maybe after tomorrow, i'll do the whole "chin up" routine and really put all this behind. ['after tomorrow', haha] - time to go back to being single and fabulous. :)

anyway, a lesson to all (including, i mean especially myself)... if you have cut someone out of your life for a good reason, dont bother with "second chances"... because even if it may seem like the right thing to do, you know that when shit hits the fan, you'd only be left beating yourself up and telling yourself "i told u so" - because its true, u did know better. (until u decided to be hopeful and accepting) and u know what? most of the time, its not worth it.

but if you have to be nice though, do the hypocritical thing. smile, talk about the weather [NEVER about your feelings], talk about them [NEVER about yourself], then say goodbye and leave it as that. win-win, no?

and an extra tip: you'd think humans would usually try their best to be considerate of other's feelings...? don't kid yourself. u've not met the lot. some, despite what u think, really dont give a rat's ass about what's right or wrong, or what may hurt you or even kill you. so don't be too trusting.

but at the end of the day, yes, lesson learnt. definitely.

p/s: new friends come along in the oddest situations. but i'm very much grateful for it. she knows who she is. :)

.things go hazy.

Hazy (featuring William Fitzsimmons) - Rosi Golan

i miss him.i miss him so much.

ok.
breathe.

.the closest to a 'parisian romance'.

if i could write about everything that has happened and changed in me in the last weeks, i would. because there wasn't a single moment spent with him that i would ever want to forget. 

there are so many memories, so many beautiful words spoken, so much affection and feelings and tears in the mix that i truly dont know where to begin explaining or retelling the experience i had just lived (and left behind)... it felt like i had taken a trip to europe and did the whole cliche "meeting a french guy" thing and living in a world separate to what i'd usually call normal.

i am now back to the real world.

i have learnt so much from him about being a good person and... a good girlfriend. i know what u're thinking, and i agree, i havent been the best (if not the worst) when it came to being someone's girlfriend. like you, i had long given up on that idea.

but with him, i felt different. i know everyone feels different with every different person they're with, but how he made me feel different is in the way i think, act and.. well, feel when i'm around him. i guess it also helped that he tells me how happy he is all the time...

i dont know why or why him... but thinking back, with him, i threw out the list of "must have" that i usually set for the men i choose, i found myself wanting to be around him all the time, i felt 16 again and wanted to do all those girlfriend things with and for him, i wanted to take care of him, i wanted to spend all my money on him, i wanted to make his friends love me, i wanted to be the best i could be for him... and here's the awesomest part, i found myself dismissing other guys without any hessitation because in my mind, i could not see anyone better... or even just anyone i wanted more than i wanted him. like he said, you're with the person only because he/she is the best, and that was who he was to me.

and the thing is, i was not doing all this to win his attention or affection because i didn't have to, for i can say with no reservations that he is always attentive and affectionate with me; and i'm saying this because usually when a girl does or even says the things above, its usually because she has to in order to win over the guy who treats her like crap; but that was not us. i never doubted that he cares a lot about me. he was always holding my hand, always wanting to see me and take me out to meet his friends, always in touch when we're apart, always there, always wanting to know and listen to my stories, past, problems, fears, troubles, wants and needs... and he's always assuring me that he would be my pillar, and that i can always lean on him. 

i also like how he gets annoyed when girls eye him when we're together, and yes, i have witnessed girls eyeing him, like, with their full-on-slutty looks (seriously!) as we casually walk along a street. it makes me laugh to see his reaction, and how he calls them "disrespectful" (to me), and how this one time, he MADE ME kiss him in front of her because he got so uncomfortable with that slut's fixated stare. i had to laugh at that. i then told him its okay, i'm okay with girls looking at him and if i did feel threatened, i would put my "taken" stamp on him. but he told me that would not be enough. he believes that not only do i need to do the girlfriend thing, but he, as the boyfriend, needs to show the slut that he has completely no interest and is happy and satisfied with the girl in his arms. most people probably already know that though, but i never thought of that. he truly shed new light on me about relationships.

anyway, i could go on and on about him, but i shouldn't. because no matter how much i say, i wouldn't be able to capture it all. so... i just want to say... i really like/liked him. the thought of "love" did cross my mind, but i think at this stage, if i did think it was, it would have been more of an infatuation or the usual, lust. although i'd say if things stayed the way it did, i can most definitely see myself loving him. that was what he said to me too, as we hugged, kissed and exchanged teary goodbyes this morning.

hey, one thing he didn't successfully get rid of however is my inner skepticism. you'd think, if this guy was THAT great, why would i have let him go when he's only moving to the gold coast. as in, why not try to make it work, right? its not like he's already going back to france. - well, thats where my skeptical side kicked in. because he was so great in so many ways, i did not dismiss the notion that 1st, its only our first few weeks together, of course we'd be starry eyed... and 2nd, we probably would not have been so great if he wasn't leaving. so there u go. despite it all, i still could not believe in a happy ending... at least not at this point. i dont mean that only with him, but just the idea that everything could be real when it feels so great. after all, good things dont last, so enjoy it while it does. and that was what i did. no regrets; and i think the hurt was worth it. (i also hope i dont forget all the french words he taught me)

so... to anyone who actually bothered reading all the above and doesnt think i'm being a child or a mindless bimbo who sees the world through a flowery glass (or whatever the expression is) and is genuinely worried if i'm okay, dont worry. i'm fine. alesha dixon's "breathe slow" is keeping me composed. :)

and no, i am not and will not be moving to france.

oh, and i should also say... if by chance my future boyfriend is reading this, don't fret. you dont need to be like him, because if you're right for me, i think i can tell better now. :)

anyway, till i find a sad break up song that applies to me and him, enjoy pow wow's "le chat" (the cat)... it was our song -

Pow Wow
Uploaded by louloutte2004

je suis la souris - i am the mouse; 

et moi le chat - and i'm the cat.

[our thing] :)

... and with one last kiss...

-another chapter closed-

.holding on.

i feel my heart breaking. 

i'm trying to breathe. 

this was not planned...

.the beginning and the end.

to mention or not to mention, that is the question.

ok. here goes -

for the past few weeks, i've been seeing someone. someone who has indeed made me very happy. he reminds me of a combination of several exes in terms of his goods and his bads. he's the second "cancerian" i've dated, and i'm thinking maybe thats why some similarities arise.

its only been weeks, so i guess its normal to say that things are pretty cloud 9-ish. you know the drill. he's the person you want to see the most, everything about him is new and exciting, he makes me laugh and cry... the whole lot.

sigh. you know... i would've liked to say "pfft, nothing special" and treat this guy as just another one of my soon-to-be mini-chapter in my life's journey, but *sigh-again* the truth is, i think i might be playing the whole thing down. just so i can cushion my fall.

its only been weeks, but i think this might be it. as in, that is all it will be. yes, i'm talking about the end. maybe thats why i'm feeling a sharp tug on me heart-strings. cuz here's the issue, he's in australia on a "holiday working visa" - so, essentially the longest he'd stay in my life would be a year (not counting the memories he has imprinted in my mind)... but now something came up, and the months i thought i had might turn into days. a week, if we're lucky.

"we need to talk," we agreed, and i knew the problem he had mentioned to me earlier about his 'situation' has deteriorated, and we might have to go down the "last resort" path; also the same path that will lead us on our separate ways.

well, the good thing is, its only been a couple of weeks... so how hard can it be to get over right? *bites lower lip* - somehow, something tells me otherwise... :(

i hate this part.

.getting too comfy.

i seriously need to slap myself and bloody find the motivation to start looking for a real office job in the legal sector before i permanantly become a wasteful law graduate. argh.

i think the problem is that im getting too comfortable working where i am now. teehee. :) the people are niceee... what can i saaayy....

sigh.
daddy's not gonna be happy.

.14 feb 2009.

:) happy valentines day peeps. have an awesome one! whether you're single or doubled, it can still be a fun day! just got to think and feeeeel positive!

i was single last year and had a blast eventhough i did nothing in particular. single, comfortable and confident is an attraction girls. don't ever forget that. ;) as for this year... :) yes, i have plans. so i guess we'll see how that turns out.

oh hey, i watched "he's just not that into you" today... i wouldn't call it awesome, but it definitely educated their viewers! (especially those who hasn't read the awesome book) i enjoyed it alot. loved many lines! (but i shouldn't spoil it for you by listing them here)

and McMel, if you're reading this, i'm sorry i watched it without you girls! im sure u will still enjoy watching it with selina and the others! ;) or who knows... maybe i'd go again. :) *hugs*

happy valentines!

.3 unrelated thoughts.

took another quiz today. hey, i'm at the right age. :) thats good right? - but i do have to say though, whats wrong with jack johnson? i likey mr.johnson! hmmph.

so, the girls did some valentines day shopping today. was nice. but hell, valentines day can be so stressful hey? from looking at the girls, to looking at the faces of my poor male customers, helplessly trying to pick the right gift for their valentines. *hugs*

hmm... also, i think i lost a friend today. :(

.i've got 'another' new WANT.

recently, as i've been exposed to a couple of different types of friends... i realised something that somehow made me feel like... well, like i'm missing out.

you're gonna roll your eyes, but it's about "travelling and seeing the world". i never thought i had that in me, but i've recently spoke to a couple of people about their experience taking time out to travel to places like the UK... some take a whole year, or just 6 months off... fly on a holiday working visa... work part time over there... save up and travel around.

apparently its a big thing among young people. why havent i ever thought of doing that? ...is it too late for me now?

personally, i think its because of the way i was raised. i was raised to believe travel are for those who were either born with lots of money, or for those who have earned and saved and sent their kids to university (like my parents)...

right now, i think my best bet would be to find a real full time job (in my field), save and exhaust my 4 weeks paid work holiday to travel. (like nanda) i'd think the whole "holiday working visa" idea is too late for me now...? u see, take a year off? *scoff* dad would kill me. *ponders*

ANYWAYZ... off topic, i got this spat on my face from a facebook quiz today:

.ms potty mouth.

tired tired tired little me. but i had a good day. it was a day full of new words... new dirty (but useful) words. and to make it even better, its not english. yeeeha! im so happy for myself. :) i wont share it here though [for obvious reasons]... maybe when we hang out, you'll see (or hear).

im watching the replay of the 51st annual grammy awards rite now. also typing this and dozing off at the same time. working tomorrow, the whole day. oh, suddenly i feel even moreee tired. *yawns* ok, thats it. i'm gone.

goodnight beautiful people. the world is a beautiful place. *hugstoall!* - wynna, where are you?!

***
EDIT

gad-dammit. WTF? who's doing this?!

.numbness.

i watched before sunrise and its sequel, before sunset again. everytime i watch the two films, it'd leave me feeling rather emotional. i need to remember that, so i dont keep putting myself through it over and over again... but i just like it so much.

the gist of the movie is "connection". the automatic connection two people feel when around each other. the first show focuses on two youths and their hopes and dreams about love; whilst the sequel tells us about growing up, dealing with your past, and the realities of life and love.

"guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. later in life, you realize it only happens a few times."

i honestly dont know how to describe the two shows... its just... so... real. it always hit something in me. im not sure if its a good thing. sigh. this time, it was julie delpy's line when she said -

"i'm so miserable in my love life, my relatioship. i always act as, like, u know, i'm detached. but i'm dying inside. i'm dying because i am so numb. i don't feel pain or excitement, i'm not even bitter, i'm just..." [end of line]

i dont know. feeling numb. i think i know what she means. in that case, does that also mean goodbye to ever feeling that i've actually found 'love'?

.on a little white piece of paper.

dear you

i do not deserve you, and u know it. so lets save ourselves from yet another round of hurt... maybe then, the day we smile again would seem closer; and we will find ourselves free once again.

love

sherlene

.normal vs the unknown difference.

hmmph. dont know why the above image is turning out so small, but the point is... since when does facebook send out 'malay' notifications? if u cant see it, it says, "Sing-Yee Chua juga menulis komen pada gambar Sherwynna Lee"... why? why ah? i just found that odd.

so, wynna bought us tickets to watch the fray and secondhand serenade at the tivoli on the 21st march. i feel like i should be studying again... as in, their songs. the same way i had to listen to panic! the whole day before i joined wynna at their concert. lol but it will be another fun experience... oh, i think thats where all my ang pau money went too.

my 'detach-y' feeling from my normal world is still happening. things are changing, i get it. i just feel torn between wanting to think about it, which would make me enjoy everything less... or just going with the flow, which would keep me obliviously happy but stuck in these moments over and over again. hmm. u tell me?

***

something i learned from 'definitely, maybe' -

its not about who the one is... its when. 

when u are ready to commit, 

the person u meet then will be the one.

.everyones already in the mood.

valentines day is approaching. personally, i dont think its THAT near. isnt this a bit of a premature hype?

cuz somehow im being reminded of it all the time. im still deciding how i feel about it. from the endless hearts display at the jewellery shop i work at, to people asking whether im gonna get anyone a valentines gift this year, to people sending me youtube messages asking for my song chords to sing to their valentine, to me somehow feeling bummed becuz im working that day... hmmph.

anywayz... im curious...

nah, nevermind. :)

.his word of advice.

"don't fall in love with her," mr. A tells mr. B.

"why?" mr. B asks.

"because she never did fall for me."

***
mr. A dated her for 7 months. he said 'I Love You' days before they broke up. she never said it back only because it was too late. but she did. she did love him. at least at one point in their relationship she felt she did.

mr. B tells her, "i am different." and "who knows what will happen?"

well, we'll see.

***
today, someone explained to me what 'great love' felt like. one part i remember him describing -

"... everything i have only imagined doing, i felt like doing it now. find a job, buy a house, have children, send them to school... all of that, i wanted. and i can only see myself doing it with her by my side..."

sigh.
i dont know. i really dont know.