March 27, 2006

Seekin' "That Look"...

Love is blind.
Love makes the object of one's affection the most beautiful thing they've ever laid eyes on.

When love exists in one's heart,
It wouldnt be hard to see it in one's eyes.
From the way they look at the one they love.
The look that speaks one's heart.
He doesn't even need to say anything.
Just one look at you,
And you KNOW you're the prettiest thing he has ever seen.
That he couldn't feel luckier to be with you.
That he is the luckiest man alive.
Simply to have you.

Its that look that every gal seeks.
The look that tells her she's loved.
She's cared for. She's wanted. She's needed.
For who she is, and for who he sees in her.

Just as simple as that,
It brings out the best in her,
Simply becuz she knows her existence means that much to him.

You can tell a girl she's beautiful and make her blush.
But its really that look...
That look that can't be faked...
That look in a guy's eyes...
The look that requires no words.

That look that simply says,
"You're MY world's most beautiful person. I dont know what I did to deserve you."

Back when I was 16,
I remember attending this function at a resort's grand ballroom.
There was a guy I was going to meet there.

When I arrived,
I noticed he was already there, waiting.
As I got outta the car,
I saw him looking at me.
I saw that look.
I thought I was gonna fly.

I remember my friends saying,
"Did u see how **** looked at you? Awww!"

He didn't have to say a word.
I knew he saw me as someone special.
That was enough to shoot me up on cloud 9.

But the true beauty of it is I can actually still remember that look until today.
And it still gives me that tingly feeling.

*sigh* ( a good one)

March 24, 2006

Me? Or My Clothes?

This week has been weird.
I met 3 different weird men in the course of 4 days.
When I say weird,
Read on, and I'm sure you'd agree...

The thing is, I dont know whats attracting these men.
My clothes? or Me?

Okay, here's the story...
On Monday,
I decided to attend an earlier tutorial.
(For personal reasons)
After class, it was about 2pm when I was walking from Uni to the City to take a bus home.

In the midst of walking,
This man appeared outta no where and starting talking to me.
He started with, "Sunny day huh?"
And I thought,
"eeh... normal guy, being friendly, talking weather."
So I answered.
Within minutes,
He asked me for my name, my nationality and wanted to know what I was studying.
I told him I was Samantha from Philiphines, doing law.
*ehem* thats 1/3 of the truth...
Not bad rite?

Up to that point,
I thought he was still ok.
It was when he took out 2 DVDs, telling me the bought them today,
Told me his house was around the block,

He could be asking for courtesy purposes maybe?
I thought so at first....
Then he asked me to go up to his place again,
(which I said NO to)
Which then lead to him asking for my number,
and if I wanted to go to clubs with him sometimes.
Thats when I knew for sure,
This dude is a *&%^%$*%^~
I couldn't be more relief when Selina called.
I used that as a reason to ignore him and head straight for my bus stop.

When I got to Sunnybank Hills shopping mall,
which was my stop,
I decided to go into the hypermarket to get a few stuffs.
While picking out something,
This dude just walked pass me...
and whispered "Hiii" in my ear.
When I looked over,
He wiggled his eyebrows at me.
I thought I was gonna puke.

Tell me.

Anyway, this was what I was wearing:

I made Sherman take it becuz I wanted to see if something looked wrong.
Look anything wrong to u?


TODAY... I was unfortunate enough to meet with another bloke.
I skipped mt 4pm lectures because I was late.
Deciding to find a spot to study before my next lecture at 5,
I innocently headed towards C Block.

Almost there...
I was stopped by two guys,
One white, One black...
The black guy was holding a file and some books,
Thinking he was gonna survey me or something,
I stopped.
He asked for my name and asked me where I was from.
I told him truthfully.
Sherlene. Malaysia. Nice to meet you.
He told me he was from London.
Just got here and was checking out the Uni.

The next thing he said just got me speechless.
He said:

"I just had to stop you.
Because when you walked by,
I was so attracted by your eyes.
I love your outfit and the colour.
I've never seen an asian gal are pretty as you.
With a girl like you at uni,
I'd say studying here ain't such a bad thing after all."

............................. <-- yea, that was me. The first thing I managed to say (to his friend) was: "Is this guy for real?!"

GOD... Whats happening?!

Anyway, I tried my best to get out of it,
I told him I needed to get to a class...
He invited me to the student guild bar for drinks,
I said no thanks.
Then he asked me for my number,
Said he wanted to ask me out for a movie.
I said no.
He didn't let it go.

20 minutes passed.
I was trapped.

At the end, I gave him my number.
He deliberately called me to check if I was telling the truth.
Indeed I was. (somehow I knew he'd check)

And I thought,
"Imagine if he called and my phone didn't ring.
He might force me to spend another 20 minutes with him."

ARGH... headache.
After that incident,
I told myself I had one last hope.
Maybe he'd bump into someone else,
Recite the same lines,
Get her number and leave me alone.

But when I got home...
While watching nip/tuck on TV,
He called. And he SMSed me.
Of coz, I didn't pick.
But OH MY GOD...

If only the guy that walked up to me was that cute chinese guy I saw on the bus.
REAL good things don't happen to me.
But thats alrite.


OH... before I forget,
This was what I was wearing today.

So you see...
The 1st top and the 2nd are very different.
But you can't really say the weirdos are attracted to flesh,
becuz in my 2nd top,
I was completely covered!

The next guy I meet,
I'm just gonna say,
"Sorry. My boyfriend is waiting."

White lies to the rescue!!

March 19, 2006

Back at One

Current Status:
- Single

Current Song:
- Lifehouse - Blind

Current Feeling:
- Depressed

Current Emotions:
- Teary, very teary.

Current Need:
- Shaz

Current Thoughts:
- Im in pain. AGAIN.
I was healing perfectly a week ago.
Now, I'm back in square one.
I'm crying again.
When will this be over?

A couple of days ago,
Shaz and I started contacting each other again.
I should have known it was a bad idea.
We spoke about hanging out again...
About spending time together again...
As dumb as I was,
I was actually looking forward.
I think that was when I unintentionally set myself up for another heartbreak.

Last night Shaz and I was on the phone.
I wasn't in a good mood...
As much as I wanted to speak to him,
The convo just got bad to worse.
I ended up snapping at him and making him feel like I was trying to push him away.
It was never my intention...
Because at that time,
All I could think of is having him coming over to my place like before,
Comforting me, and hugging me to bed,
Making me feel like there's not a single worry in the world...
Thinking of that and knowing it can't possibly ever happen again just frustrated me more.
Hence, the act of me snapping.

I dont wanna hurt him.
The thought of him hurting as much as I am, kills me.
The thought of him NOT hurting like I am, kills me too.
I'm going crazy.
At this rate,
I'm never moving on.

Its so hard.
Its so hard to keep myself together.
Its so hard to stay away.
Its so hard to NOT think.
Its so hard to not wish.
Its so hard to forget...

Its so hard to stop crying.

I tell myself everyday,
"Pain only cuts as deep as u allow it to."

... still, it hurts.

Current Heart:
- Shattered beyond description

Current Soul:
- Lost and Lonely

The Very Last One of 6...

Some of you may know that I 'kinda' write my own sappy love songs.
I composed my first on the 11th April 2004.
It was called "Love Took My All".
It was written to Shaz.

There's been a few other songs since.
About 10 in total...
6 of them were written with Shaz in mind.
Here's one of the 6.
This was the last one.
One that... I guess...
No longer applies.
But here it is anyway.


More Tomorrows

I remember that time I first saw u and smiled,
And thought,
You would never be mine...
We started as friends,
Who came out in the end,
Spending endless crazy times...

Now we are,
Sweet and Sour;
Like a bee and a flower;
You filled that gap that was hollow...
You're my sun after rain;
Though times you drive me insane,
But honey,
Lets have more tomorrows...

Remember the times,
When you would spend the night,
Where we'd stay up together...
We'd laugh and go wild,
Until your nose go haywire,
But things only get better...

Cuz we are,
Sweet and Sour;
Like hot toast and butter;
You filled that gap that was hollow...
You're my sun after rain;
Though times you drive me insane,
But honey,
Lets have more tomorrows...


Remember that time we almost said our goodbyes,
Thought that its for the better...
I went to bed in a mess,
Until you called me and said,
Lets be together...

Now we're like,
Sweet and Sour;
So perfect together...
Life no longer feels hollow...
You're my sun after rain;
We drive each other insane;
But baby,
Lets have more tomorrows...
We'll have more tomorrows...

There'll be more tomorrows...

23rd Nov 2005

March 17, 2006

Self Evaluating; Trying to Find "WHY?"

In brief, here are the things I did today:

1. I had lunch with Bernard at Satay Club.
Then we went to get a few stuffs he needed
for his house. Then we said our goodbyes.

2. I met Lalat after my lunch. I accompanied
Lalat to buy something, and then we went to
get my 18 plus card done. (suppose to be our,
but Lalat forgot her passport) Then we went
back to Uni for class.

3. I helped Shaz to buy his Theories book.

4. I went home after class.


1. I was on the phone with Shaz for... Hmm...
7 hours and 30 minutes!
I know... I couldn't believe it myself.
But anyway, we spoke from 3am - 10.30am.
I slept for 3 hours, then I had to go buy Sisca's
surprise Bday cake.

2. I wreaked Sisca's surprise party.
It was dumb of me... SIGH.
But, if you put the "dumb" part aside,
It's actually pretty funny.
But thats just me.

3. I slept before sun rise.
I deserve a pat on the back.


Today and Yesterday,
I had some time to reflect on myself.
My character and my way of "socialising"...

You know,
I've always stereotyped guys who hangs out with groups of gals as the "not so good" type of guys.
And guys who uses words to butter up a girl he barely knows, bad bad badd....
And every time I check out a guy's profile on Friendster,
I always ignore them just because their list are made up of 99% female.
To me, that's a BAD SIGN.
It's just... when I see that...
The thoughts that crosses my mind?

- A "See One, Want One" Type of Guy.
- Not Serious.
- NOT Boyfriend material.

Then it hit me...
I am potentially the FEMALE version of that type of guys.
(gaddaMmit!!! @#$$@$^*%$!!)
Altho my friendster isn't flocked with males I hardly know,
I am aware that I'm always with the opposite sex.
When I say "with"... I mean...
They're around.
The worst part is...
They're visible to the public's eye.

(not like I make any effort to hide them,
I'm really open about these things,
*which I now realise isn't such a good thing*)

(1st result of my self-evaluation)

Then I thought about it.
I gave myself excuses like,
"Yes, I have many male friends."
"Yes, I'm more frequently in contact with my male friends compared to female friends."
"Yes, I'm always playing and having fun with them."
- The thing is,
I've always told myself that THATs just ME being friendly.
While others call me a flirt.

I have friends who doesn't dare to let their boyfriends come too close to me.
I have male friends who can testify that sometimes I do give people mix signals.
I have weird guys, saying weird things to me all the time...


and one thing I should probably HAVE to knock into my head is,

I’m the type of girl that guys feel "open" enough to say ANYTHING to.
That because of my Playful nature!
They know I wouldn't take it seriously,
And guess what?
The thing is,
I really don't take their playful/flirty words seriously.
In fact,
I love shooting them back with witty remarks,
And seeing the looks on their faces!
And I do all that, thinking I was just being playful!!

Why do I do it?
Because I seriously DO think its fun!
And now,
At the end of the day,
I have to pay the toll for those so-called "fun" I had.
By creating myself this reputation,
Making everyone think/feel/know that I'm a Flirt.
Someone you should never take seriously.

Thus, I asked myself...
Is this the rep I wanna walk around with for the rest of my life?

Shaz said to me during our 7 hours convo,
He said:
"Sure, Mr.Right will find you,
But if you carry on being the way you are,
You'll only drive him away,
and you wouldn't be able to do anything about it."

That really stuck with me.

You see...
I wanna find a decent guy.
Someone I can really look into the future with.
And I dare admit,
There is this specific type of guy I would WISH to find,
But really...
When I come to think of it,
Would the right guy see ME as the type of girl he wishes to find?

Me, from how I see it (and how others would see it):
A playful girl,
who wants to have lots of fun,
who says really sweet things,
who wants her guy to be serious and mature,

Tell Me.
Who would want a girl like that?
A girl other girls would label as
- a "player",
- a "flirt",
- a "slut". period.

I guess now the main question is really...
"Sherlene, do you want to meet the right guy?"

If yes,
Start doing something about it.
Like changing my way of talking with guys.
Its not like I shouldn't have fun,
But fun doesn't always have to include,
"being over friendly with the male species"

(I'm using the term "Over friendly" because...
I refuse to call it "Flirt"...
Simply because I really did think I was just being friendly.
And I had no intention of misleading anyone.)

But If No,
Then I guess I'll just tell myself,
"You're only 21! Have fun laaa!!"

I'll sleep on it.

March 14, 2006

A Weekend as a Single Gal again!

Tons happened these couple of days.
I've been up and about... doing this and that.
SOOO tiring.
BUT... Lotsa fun.
Kept my mind off the down sides of life.
I guess that's common when you have lotsa other things in mind.
Happy and Exciting things especially.

Remember the MYSA BBQ Party?
I met a guy there...
Actually I met many people there.
One of them, Irawan... was Shaz's friend.
I guess he didn't know about the break up,
So he did ask me how was Shaz and etc.
I, of course, answered normally.
I met this guy... His name is Terrence.
I don't even know his last name, but I do know he's Malaysian... From JB.
We talked quite a bit at the party...
Had a few laughs, shared a few jokes, etc.
That same night,
He SMSed me.
Got my number from Mike.
*glares at Mike* lol

Me and Terrence have been SMSing alot since.
He said a couple of things to me that made me feel... "ummm... ok".
As in...
Im really not sure if he's serious, (cuz he's always joking around)
But he made his interest in me pretty obvious.
The thing is, I'm not sure if his interest is genuine.
He asked me out... for a movie...
I said Yes.
I do think he's an alright guy.
So, why not rite?
But I did tell him that we're just gonna be friends,
and I did tell him about my recent break up...
He said Alrite.
We'll see what happens.

But one thing for sure,
I know I'm not ready for anything more serious than this.
It's simply too soon.
Altho I do appreciate the distraction.
It's good to be distracted from other parts of my life that has been weighing me down.
I've not cried for days now...
That's awesome.

Aside from Terrence,
I've been in contact with this guy called Bernard too.
Bernard and I started off on the wrong foot a couple of months back,
But now...
I guess we're both just gonna give this friendship another go.
He's not really as bad as I initially thought he was.
Altho he can be really... umm... annoyingly over-confident sometimes.
But yeaa...
Its good so far.
Thats all I'm gonna say.

You know one thing I realised about being single again?
I get to spend so much time with friends...
Caring about them, talking to them, making plans with them...
Its more fun than I remembered.
And it warms my heart to feel close to Lalat, Emyne and Sisca again.
Its really more relaxed to be with guys and not having to feel as if u owe them something.
Like, every guy is a friend to hang out with...
Dont let it get any more serious than that.
Don't get yourself hooked, and thus create an obligation for yourself.
Be friends and don't bother going the extra mile to please them.
If they really want your friendship,
You really don't need to rub their asses to make them feel that way.
You know?

But really...
Things have been great.
I hope these past weeks have also helped me grow.
Wise me up so I know how to make better decisions when it comes to issues regarding human emotions or simply day-to-day human interactions.
And one thing I know for sure is,
Don't make committments until you really feel ready.
And you have to be comfortable too.

(Sorry if what I'm saying dont really make sense,
I'm really more like, talking to myself. hehHee...)

By the way,
It's Sherman's Bday!
We decorated his room and threw him a surprise mini party!
It was fun! The surprise totally caught him off guard!!
It was so funny to see! Sherman is a sweetheart.
I love him to bits.
Happy 23rd Birthday hoNeylicious broThaaa!!

ps: Terrence actually lives in Sunnybank...
Thats like... 10 minutes from where I stay...
I guess Brisbane aint that big afterall. ^^

March 11, 2006

I did that, So WHAT?!

Selina is on the phone with Shaz now.
I heard Shaz telling Selina about what I did yesterday.
I wonder why he had to tell her?
Thank God I've already confessed to Selina myself.
But really...
Why did he have to go tell Selina about it?
And from Selina's responce,
It sounded like Shaz was asking...
"Did u know that yesterday, Sherlene... bla bla bla"...
If you know what I mean.

But then,
I got sick of it.
Sick of listening to anything that have to do with him.
Maybe its because I had a great day.
Hangin' out with my friends,
Attending the Malaysian Students Association party,
Having lunch,
Talking about EVERYTHING,
and of courseee... Shopping.

About what I did yesterday...
Let me just say, I have no regrets.
I did what my heart told me to do.
So yeAaa... So what if people think I'm wrong, right?
(sorry Emyneee) *keKkee*
ok ok...
In case people are wondering,
Yesterday Shaz missed a very important tutorial.
We were in the same class, thats how I knew he was missing.
Then I found out he was sick.
Thinkin that he could be really sick like before,
I went off to buy him an ice pack (for his recurring fevers),
a soft toy (specifically a stuffed dog) and some other stuffs.
Lalat and I took a bus to his place to pass it to him.
Smart of me to bring a chaperone riteeee?
*C'mon... gotta gimme some credit for that!!*

I guess he was touched.
He hugged me.
I, of course, hugged him back.

When Shaz smsed me to ask me why I did what I did,
I told him the truth.

I said: (something like this la)
"You were sick. I felt that I wanna be there to see how you were. And I've always wanted to get u an ice pack for ur fevers AND also for your constant football injuries. (Im not exaggerating!) And the dog, I got it because I've always wanted to get u something you could hug. So yea. That's it."

About the dog,
What I meant is just... u know...
Something sweet.
C'mon... You guys have to admit it!
Sometimes when you're realllllyyy down and maybe even lonely,
U do wish someone is there right?
And stuffed toys can actually be that someone.
Something you beat the hell out of when you're pissed,
Something you strangle when you're irritated,
Something you can talk to when you wish you could talk to "her",
Something soft you could leave around you when you sleep...
(okay, the last one is a bit gay, sorry)
BUT yea...
That was my intention.
It was meant to be a "Friend"...

Most of u are just gonna think I'm giving lame excuses to justify my actions.
And the others would think I'm plain psycho.
And sorry if what I said are all misconceptions of the male minds,
But that's just what I was hoping to get outta what I did...

ooH brother!
Why the hell do I bother explaining myself sometimes?!
What matters is that I'm happy right?
And I did something I felt was right.
Something I wanted to do.

Look what I found at!

Thats what Shaz use to call me!!!

ok ok... Sherlene. Life. GET ONE.

March 8, 2006

...Not Today...

HE came over just now.
Passed me the thing HE said he wanted to give me.
It was a recording.
I heard it.
I cried.

I broke my promise to Andy,
I couldn't stop the tears from falling.
I broke my promise to Emyne,
I can't get myself out of this depression.
I'm still stuck among the sad love songs.

Just give me tonite to mope alrite?
Tomorrow I'll try to stand strong again.
Its just tonite... I really can't hold myself up.

We sat in his car outside my house,
We talked quite a bit about everything.
At the end, just as I opened the door to leave,
HE took my hand...
I didn't resist.
There we were again.
Hand in hand.
Then he leaned over to kiss me on my cheek,
and then my forehead.
And he said Goodnight.
Just like how he always do when we were still together.

That small part of my heart I managed to put together the last few days...
It's shattered again.
Adding salt to my wound,
I watched him lit a ciggarette right before he drove off.
My heart is officially smashed.
Every single part of it.
And I can't do anything about it.
At least not tonight.

People, Forgive Me.
I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought.

March 7, 2006

Head Up!

Im so excited to write this down!
7 minutes before my lecture,
I should be reading my notes,
But here I am,
Determined to write down these feelin'!

Well... this morning started off great!
Andy sms-ed me,
and MADE me watch the MU v Wigan match at 6am.
As you know, I didn't sleep due to all the crying and etc.
But despite my tired eyes and foul mood,
I decided to take Andy's words.

MU WON!!!!
Wigan scored first...
Then guess who equalised?!
Ronaldo rockKKzzz!!! *lol*
So yeAaa...
I'd say thats a pretty awesome kick-start to a new day rite?

After the match, I went to bed.
At 1.30pm (or so)... Andy called me wake me up for class.
Andy is such a sweetheart.
*lol* I love him to bits!
That was another PLUS to my day!

Then I got dressed,
Went downstairs for breakkie...
Well... Breakkie with Selina was a little down...
Becuz naturally, the topic of Shaz came up again.
Got me a little upset,
BUTTTTT... If one doesn't feel upset,
One would not appreciate the small things in life that makes things better rite?
*Trust me, I dont even know what Im saying!*

Today, as I walked out of the house to Uni..
(Actually, I didn't walk. Reza sent me to the bus stop)
But yea, as I left the house,
I felt really good.
Its like... For the first time in days,
I felt the weight being lift off my shoulders.
When I walked to Uni,
I felt like I was bouncing!

The bounce got even happier when I bumped into Mouzam.
Its been a while since I saw him.
We stopped in our tracks and chatted for a while.
He still looks so hot. *tee hee*
And he still remembered since the last time we chatted that he was gonna take me clubbing.
"I still need to take you clubbing" he said..
*wooO hoOo!*
Okay, now I just sound psychotic.
BUT... bottom line is, I feel great.
Not because of Mouzam per se,
But great because of everything.
oH... I also bumped into Sisca.
She's so cutee... *kekKee*
"Saturday's On?" I asked...
And she said, "Yup! I'll call you!"
aaaH... Malaysian Students welcome party.
oH I'm looking forward.

But yEaa... Thats basically why I'm typing this entry.
I just wanna record this great feeling.
So that everytime I'm feeling in the pits,
I can come here, read this and feel happy again.

Last words,

Thought I'd Write This Down...

These pics were taken the night Shaz and I...
Well.. The night we decided that would be our last together.
We spent the entire day at Gold Coast...
Shopping at Broadbeach,
Then Clubbing at this hiphop joint at Surfers.
It was undeniably a great nitee...
And we witnessed a catfight right in front of our eyes at that club we went to.
I think it's call the "Crazy Horse"...?
hmm... the name doesn't sound right... heHhee

Not sure about SHaz, but I had lots of fun...
We dance, we draNk, we smoked (just for fun)...
It was one out-of-control night.
But filled with crazy fun nonetheless.
Definitely a nite to remember.

Shaz just called.
Says he wants to come over now to pass me something.
Not to mention, today is the 7th...
Suppose to be me and his 5th month anniversary.

We'll see.

Made It Tru Another Day

It was fine.
Made it through another day.
The beginning was alrite...
Woke up,
Dressed up,
Tried my best to feel pretty.
You guys might not understand,
But I think it's fairly common for a girl to wanna look good after a break up.
So yea... thats what I attempted to do.

The end bit of the day was pretty rough though.
Spoke to a few people,
People who knew stuffs I didn't,
People who said stuffs that really affected me.
So yea...
I cried a whole lot last night.
It's 3.49am right now and my eyes are still swollen.

Kinda look like this:

That pic above was taken on Valentines day.
The day Shaz and I officially broke up.
See that pathetic smile on my face?
Yeaa... Thats me at night.

But hey, I have to say,
After the cry... followed by lots of laughs because of my crazy friends,
I really do feel much better.

And hey,
During the day,
I'd say I handle myself pretty good ya know...

NO ONE wud be able to tell the difference, rite?


Well... for sure, this period of my life sucks.
BUT, like everyone has said to me...
I'll get over it. Its just a matter of time.

By the way, thanks for the *hugs*...
Thanks J, you're a pal.
And sorry you had to go tru what I'm going tru.
Now I really do know how sucky it feels.
And the other anonymous person...
Thanks too! Wud love to know who u are though.
I this aint an award show or anything,
But I wanna thank a couple more people.
Friends like Selina(who's also a cousin), Emyne, Lalat and Zara.
You guys have been really supportiveee...
I can't thank you guys enough.
But I'll make it tru this rough patch...
I will.

One more thing I have to say,
I found a new best friend.
It really connects with my soul...
Despite me listening to all the sad love songs,
It actually made me feel understood instead of more depressed.
So yeaa...
When people say,
"Let the music heal your soul"...
They really do mean it.

Here are some current lyrics to my soul:

All 4 One - Not Ready for Goodbye

Mariah Carey - Through The Rain

S Club 7 - Have You Ever

S Club 7 - Say Goodbye

LeAnn Rimes - Please Remember

March 6, 2006

New World? or Back to the Old World?

What usually happens after a Break Up?

- His profile now says "Single" instead of "In a Rship".
- Photos of u and him are deleted.
- He calls you by your first name.
- When a phone convo ends, the last word, or the only word u say is "bye".
- When you're depressed, u don't call him anymore. Despite him being the first person u think of calling.
- You can't ask him to come over whenever you like.
- You have no control over his life.
- He doesn't have to listen to you anymore.
- His problems, those that he usually share with you are kept to himself.
- You cry, and he's not around to comfort you.
- Your MP3 player is loaded with sad love songs instead of happy ones.
- etc.

I know these are all typical things.
Things that occur when two people are no longer a couple.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, rite?
Because I'm seriously feeling dreadful...
When I saw his profile just now,
I felt pieces of my heart, plummeting to the pit of my stomach.

Now I really understand the feeling of wanting to hide away from the world.
To stay in your room,
Lock yourself up,
Not wanting to deal with your normal life,
Because life isn't NORMAL anymore.

What I meant by that is...
If you walk out into the world now,
It would feel different.
Because life no longer has him in it.
And that thought truly kills a part of me.

My life before I had Shaz and after was very different.
Best way to show you...
Take a look at these pics.

Pic taken: 1st Semester Exam Period 2005

Pic Taken: 2nd Semester Exam Period 2005

I know...
I'm friggin' Pathetic.
I really am.

When will I be ready to face the world again?
Someone please, tell me.

March 4, 2006

We've Come to the End of the Line

I spent the whole day with Shaz.
Yea, I know I wrote in here earlier that we broke up.
But since the break up,
We have been staying in close contact.
We still talk on the phone before we go to bed,
and we still SMS each other when we feel like it.
We also have lunch and go shopping sometimes...
Things between us have been complicated.
At times, we act like we were still a couple.
But at the same time,
We pass comments reminding each other that we're just friends now.
Then again,
We hold hands when we're out shopping.
Whats that about, rite?

Yesterday... well...
I guess u can call it the LAST day.
Cuz Shaz and I finally decided to draw the line,
and put our decisions into action.
As in,
If we're gonna break up,
We need to start acting like we've broken up.
So... We're gonna stay apart from today onwards.
No more calls before bedtime,
No more lunches or shopping trips,
No more drives to Gold Coast,
No more kite flying and picnics at the beach...
It's time for us to move on.
WITHOUT each other.


Now I'm in my room...
Remembering that last time I saw Shaz.
Feeling kinda hollow,
Knowing that he wouldn't be there anymore.

Just now I argued with Selina...
As usual, it was about something completely dumb.
I guess I was feeling pretty emotional,
So I overreacted to something.
But anywayz,
After the argument,
I wanted to call Shaz soOoo badly!
To cry, to complain, for comfort, whatever.
What made it worse was listening to Selina on the phone with Cyrus.
I can imagine how good that must feel...
So get into an argument, and have someone to call to vent.
*sigh*... My heart really does feel sore.

I spent my whole day reading.
Reading into the boring world of Legal Theories.
Can't help wanting to call Shaz to remind him to do the tute work.
But I know I can't... and that feeling sucks too.
So I told Zara to call instead.

Why do things have to be this hard huh?

But I'll get through it...
I know I will... simply because I know I have to.
Shaz is just another guy.
A guy I'd look back to in 5 years and say:

"Yea, 5 years ago I dated this really sweet guy. He'd do anything for me, and he's always there when I needed him. He spoils me completely. Makes me feel like a princess. Altho we love arguing with one another about petty stuffs, and he's got quite a big ego sometimes, he's definitely still one of the best guys I've ever dated. I've never been so comfortable with anyone, its amazing how I can so open and honest with him. TOO honest sometimes. *laugh* The stuffs we do together, they were the sweetest. Picnics, walking around my neighbourhood at nite, sitting out on the porch under the stars and jez talking, taking millions of pictures everytime we're together, playing football, recording our voices as our mobile ringtones, dancing and singing and laughing... I wont forget. I really won't forget."

Yea. That's what I'll say.

March 1, 2006

Boyband Music & Me

I was talking to Shaz on the phone a couple of minutes ago. We got into this heated discussion about music. Specifically, we were talking about the distinction between boy bands and bands. I am aware that there are people out there who put down boy bands, claiming that they do not write their own music, which make them less “talented” compared to bands who composes their own stuffs. But I don’t know what gotten into me tonight that I had to get all emotional and up-tight about my dissatisfaction and kinda… blew up. Mind you, I'm talking about people who openly criticise boy bands and their talents. And just for the record, I have nothing against people who do not fancy pop music and etc.

ANYWAY... after we hung up, I calmed myself down and asked myself. Why? While trying to dig deep into my emotional bag, I put on a couple of old Backstreet Boys’ songs. Songs that were hits years and years ago. As soon as I heard BSB’s “Like a Child”, I was transported back to 8 years ago when I was 13. I remember connecting with that song, back when I was in form 1. I was crying on my bed, in my room, after breaking up with Kelvin Chee. And I swear I’m not being dramatic, but the song made me remember the feelings I felt at that time, at that moment. “Like a Child” talks about a guy who says he would break down like a child without that other person in their lives… I remember thinking, “If Kelvin sung me this song, I'd sooo go back to him.”… and that made me cry even more.

You see, the main point here is, when a song is good, it's good. If you listen to it, and it touches your heart, it touches your heart. Unless the singer is really bad, (and trust me, I know some boybands can sound really bad... but not all band singers sound good either!) I don't see why boyband music should be stomped on by people who claims they know so much about making music. Yea someone might have written most their songs, yea they probably didn't come up with the melody themselves, but hey... they are the people who puts out the end result.

Some may argue that boybands are common. That you can just pick out 5 young good looking males from a karaoke lounge and produce the exact sound as the Backstreet Boys, while you can't possibly use any Tom, Dick or Harry to produce another U2. So? Does that make them less worthy? Because they were just 5 lucky b*stards who got chosen out of the millions of other singing fools, their music should not be appreciated and given the credit they deserve eventhough their music do reach out to millions of people out there? Or is it because they did not write their music, so fans can't feel true emotions from the lyrics they're singing? - Let me ask you... Does U2 or Coldplay or Deep Purple or even The Beattles only sing sad songs? or only happy love songs? NO rite? I believe in one album, you've got a mixture of everything. Happy, Sad, Love, Lost, Pain, Craziness, etc. So are we saying that each album U2 produces, they really did experience all that they sung about? Lets say, they write about losing someone they love, do you think they really did loose someone?... IF NOT, hmm... Lets see... Is it just because they look older so its more likely that they might have felt those feelings of lost before, while the Backstreet Boys look like a bunch of rich youngsters who can't possibly understand the feeling of losing someone?

Now, how can u tell me that when a boyband sings a song, they don't really feel what they're feeling? Cuz I can tell you, even when "I" sing a boyband love song, I can feel like I mean every word. *sigh - feeling tired*

Its probably because I’m so imaginative that makes me love their music even more. I like imagining how perfect it would be if a guy sent/sung/dedicated a song to me, telling me that the lyrics are everything he wishes to tell me. *sigh* The thing about me is, when I listen to a song, I listen for its meaning. I’m not the type who judges a song based on its melody per se… It’s the words and the meaning that would really get me hooked. Especially songs that I feel I could relate to, or more so, songs that are simply... sweet and/or romantic, I could imagine myself being serenade by a special someone with. Boy band songs make me feel as if a love letter is being sung with beautiful music… or pages of a guy’s secret journal containing their heartaches, or simply their personal views of life… all spoken through music.

I don’t know what boyband music means to you, but through out my life, I have to say that I’ve been touched by countless boyband songs. From those that melt my heart or make me cry, to those that would simply brighten up my day just when I need ‘pick me ups’… People see them as dudes who don’t write or play their own stuffs, but I ‘listen’ to them because their music feeds my soul. Their voices are able to convince me that they know and do feel what they’re singing, and above all, their lyrics touch my heart. The sad ones make me feel as if someone out there understands the pain I’m going through, the happy ones make me feel as if they share my joy and it just makes me feel good, and there are those that just make me feel ‘love’… love that people claim to not exist anymore. Boyband songs are able to make me feel that… maybe there still are men out there who knows how to make their woman feel good with the right song containing all the flowery hard-to-believe-but-too-sweet-to-ignore type of words. I’m a sucker for a guy who can sing me a love song and mean its every lyric… Music is everything to me. Slow romantic boyband songs make me feel that… you know, maybe life isn’t that bad after all.

I know you'd think I'm drifting into some kinda lala land, and everyone is going to tell me that these are all fiction, fairytales or day dreams, but it is what makes me feel good. It’s what makes me feel that my mixed emotions could actually be understood. Now is that wrong? And again, just for the record, I'm not saying songs sung by bands do not make me feel this way... cuz they do. It's all about a good melody and great meaningful lyrics remember? And in my opinion, band music AND Boyband songs have those. So why put down boybands because they do not play their own instruments or pen their own songs? As a boyband, they have their own weight to pull... They're artists who places themselves into different emotional contexts to ensure that people can feel their soul in their songs, and some boybands deliver great GREAT work.

So don’t tell me boy bands and their music does not count. Stop dissing them just because they’re clean cut, good looking and ‘untalented’ in your opinion. That’s not all that they’re out there for. Just because their stuff doesn’t touch you or effect you emotionally or spiritually the way it does to me, it does not mean they’re unworthy. And if you're gonna start arguing that what they do is simply "not your type of music", don’t bloody listen to them. Who’s forcing you huh?

Ps: Sorry if I sounded offensive in any way. I'm in this very emotional phrase and I COULD be writing without thinking too much about what I'm saying, but I hope you catch the essense of it all.

** From the top of my head, here's a couple of Boyband songs I find pretty good.**

Backstreet Boys - Like a Child, What Makes You Different (Makes You Beautiful), I Promise You, Don't Wanna Lose You Now, All I Have To Give, I'll Never Break Your Heart, If I Don't Have You, As Long As You Love Me, Crawling Back to You, Incomplete, The Perfect Fan, I Need You Tonight, Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely...

N'sync - Drive Myself Crazy, God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You, This I Promise You...

98 Degrees - This Gift, I do (Cherish You), Invisible Man...

All-4-One - Beautiful as You, I Can Love You Like That...

O-Town - The Painter...

Five - Until The Time Is Through...

Blue - Guilty...

Westlife - My Love, Close Your Eyes, Every Little Thing, Puzzle of My Heart, I Wanna Grow Old With You, Don't Say He's Too Late, Every Green, I Don't Wanna Fight, If I Let You Go, Fool Again...

Boyzone - Baby Can I Hold You, I Love The Way You Love Me, Love Me For a Reason...

A1 - Like a Rose, Everytime...

911 - The Day We Find Love, One More Try...

Code Red - I Gave You Everything, This is Our Song, If You Go Away, I Could Have Saved Your Heart...