.and here we go again.

my blog has endured many of these chapters. these short, never-with-a-happy-ending chapters of my life. i dont know why it keeps happening - it just does.

tonight, i received a text. he said we had to talk. its been 5 days since we last spoke, and the last words uttered those 5 days ago had left us both, needing to retreat to our own corners to rethink our dreams built over the last 8 months.

tonight was filled with un-planned melodramatic-ness. for one, it was exactly 8 months since we first met. 8 months since we sat at cafe east on queen street, looking into each others' eyes for the first time. the first time i learnt how it felt when he held my hand, when he made his point clear that all he wanted to do was shower me with love and care. i kissed him that night, exactly 8 months ago.

tonight, we stood by our cars at a half empty parking lot at a place that was half way from his and mine. in other words, we met each other half way - something i/we somehow failed to do most of the time in our relationship. or did we?

tonight, he told me, "i've had many days to think about us. i'm sure u have too. and i think this can't go on..." - i think thats almost exactly what he said. i was half expecting it, but it still sent a blade through my heart, because like every girl, no matter what your instinct tells you, the girlie fantasies would always be there. i guess i can put them to rest now.

he asked me what i thought about it - and i went cold. as in, i felt myself just turning cold. like someone flipped a switch in me - the switch i'd love to call my self defense mechanism. one i have perfected for years and years now. i just never thought i would ever have to flip the switch on him. on this relationship.

i replied with an, "okay". that was all.

no tears followed. all i felt was numbness. he was drifting farther and farher away, but my usual pleas were no where to be found. there were no more "please don't". no "are u sure?". no "what made you decide this?". no "don't u want me anymore?"... just an okay. a defeated and hopeless 'okay'.

small talks came along after. he told me i can come around his place on saturday to pick up my stuff. he said we can still do the exchanging of xmas gifts, cuz we have and know we have bought each other gifts. gifts we had actually picked out ourselves.

i picked two rings about 2 weeks ago now - two beautiful rings that i had loved from the moment i laid eyes on them. would i ever be able to wear them? would it be right? to wear something from a man you love, who is not longer with you? to wear rings you both had picked out when you were still happily together?

as i was leaning against my car, as he was on his, facing each other, there was a street light a few feet away from us. it shone from behind him, straight into my eyes. it made it hard for me to look up at him. it was partially a blessing, because i don't think i can bear looking into his eyes. but at the same time, after he told me that we wont be in contact for a while so he can move on from all this, i desperately wanted to look at him - i wanted to memorise his face - look into his eyes and remember how they use to look into mine with love, warmth, hope and happiness...

when i eventually fought the brightness of the light and looked up at him, i wish i never did - for all i saw were dark circles around his eyes, looking sunken and tired. it marked what our relationship have done to him. it marked what i have done to him and what my love has caused him. it showed my failure. my broken promises. and it broke my heart on a whole different level.

he told me he isn't over me - he's just over the relationship; and i completely understood - because it was how i was feeling too. i love him to shreds... but our constant bickering and foolishness towards every thing each other do can't possibly be healthy. and it doesn't really plant a great seed for the future either.

i told him that for what it was worth, i know deep down, most petty fights he picked with me wasn't really him. he's not the man he is when he's with me. i know it had only become this way because of the enormous black cloud i had left hanging over our heads. one, we both now know, isn't going to go away.

tonight, i really should thank him - because he somehow worked up the courage and strength to put an end to our cursed relationship. for the past few days, i had thought of doing the same, but each time i pictured him saying he wants to try again, my heart melts and my head just nods in agreement almost automatically.

we usually just ending up hugging each other - that had always sewn us back together. one embrace was all it took to make all problems fade away. to make us again, believe that this is all we needed and other things do not and will not matter. it was the best feeling, but realistically, also the worst - because it always robs us of our ability to think beyond the moment :(

i dont know how the next few days, weeks or months will be - but i do know with utmost certainty that i will miss having him in my life tremendously.

as much as i try to console myself with the thought that "at least we've tried - and tried our hardest", i find myself unable to come to terms with the fact that it is now best to let go and move forward - separately.

all i pray for now is that he will find happiness again. i pray the next girl he allows into his life will treat him right, and make him realise relationships can be easy. even if it means him cursing me for wasting 8 months of his life and submitting him to all the pain and suffering that i had unintentionally but very-so-recklessly inflicted upon him. i hope he finds his true strength again and as much as it pains me to say this, i hope he's able to love someone new the way he had set out to love me before - because if i had it all again, before my big mess up, i wouldn't exchange it for the world.

as for myself - i think this switch may stay "off" for a while.

i'm so tired, i feel like i had just lived through the script of the most dramatic tv show with events that viewers would question whether such thing actually happens in real life.

now i'm officially back at square one.

i feel my guards back up - because all this have honestly left me feeling more vulnerable than i've ever felt before. again, i have been reminded of the price one has to pay for opening their hearts, and i just don't think i can do it again. not again :(

***

at the end of our 15 minute goodbye rendezvous, again with the unintended melodramatic-ness, we drove off in separate directions. actual opposite directions with one turning off to the right, and the other left.

and all i'm left to wonder is if he ever looked back...

.untitled.

its when i'm sitting alone - my heart feels its pieces coming undone all over again.

when will this be over?

.refocus.

there are days where the heart feels stronger than ever.
everything seems do-able and everything feels "meh"...

then there are days where you simply can't ignore that tug in your heart.
its all you can feel, like a toothache.
it consumes all your emotions and leave you feeling like "if this doesn't work out, i have no other reason to live"...

:'''(

there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
i just need to focus on getting to that light without crumbling.

mondays are hard.
i wish i can switch off everything and just cuddle him for 10 minutes or so.
i'm sure that'd make me feel better.
the only problem is, what happens after that?

i can't dismiss all my thoughts, feelings, hurt, disappointment and doubts that i've formulated in the last few days. i'm certain all those emotions have a valid basis, and it would be in my/our best interest that i DO NOT forget them.

after all, one can't remain in a relationship and possibly be happy (for the rest of their lives) with all these live issues scattered around.

the bridge is looking harder and harder to build now.

.greener grass.

just finished watching "the last song" by myself...

it made me wonder..

why can't all relationships be like that?

I want to be loved like that too :'((

***

.second chances.

my two cents.

I think it's definitely true that you only know what u've lost when it's gone...

but I also think... when that happens, being granted a second chance after that "realization" may not be the best thing.

this thought is specifically referring to relationships - and the thought had come about when I was listening to Taylor Swift's "Back to December" where she sings about regretting for not realizing she was with someone right until it was too late, and now she's hoping to turn it all back around.

... fact is, as sad as it may seem, and as lucky as you may think u are for being granted a second chance - often time, these "second chance people" would soon realize the relationship is no longer the same, and will not be ever again.

... he wont love you the way he did, or do the things he use to do. even if he does, he probably wouldn't be doing it with the same level of emotional intensity or commitment. he won't look at u the same and say the things he use to - because the sad truth is, when u left him behind and made that "wrong" choice, he would've been effected in some way (many ways) too - causing his perspective of u to change. can you blame him?

then, naturally one or both of you will feel this change and that's when the sad reality kicks in.

one thing you'd soon realize is that you're no longer innocent n pure in his eyes. u're no longer the one he'd set out to love and protect with his life - because the fact is, you're now, in his conscious or subconscious mind, someone who has and potentially will hurt him.

it doesn't matter that you know you won't - he's different now. what you thought you had a "second chance" to have and hold and cherish is not was it was anymore.

which then makes you think - the only reason you realized he was right was from recalling all those times you spent together before, and the things he did or said that you now realize were words so precious and right for you - all the things that had made you fall for him (now) and realize he's "the one"... all the things you've realized just a little too late.

and like i've said, its because of what you've done to him - he's now changed.

so what now?

some who realizes this would walk away (again) with a deeper wound - and possibly hurting the guy (again) MORE than you already did.

while some others... well, some try to stay optimistic that the guy before still exists, and they wait. and when things go bad (clearly indicating things are different now) they end up blaming themselves for it - and therefore stay, whether because of the hope that it will go back to how it was before or as self punishment by thinking "i'm the one who made him change and the one who messed us up"...

so.... should one really be feeling lucky to be granted this "second chance"?

to end this on a positive note though, i'm not saying all "second go" is doomed to fail. i can most certainly work for some - but only those who realizes all the above and tells themselves to restart. both of them. restart their expectation. restart the 'impressions'. restart their mind set of each other's behaviour. restart the relationship as a whole.

as long as they take everything as a fresh start n learn to love the person for who they are now, instead of what they remember of how he was before, i think only then it can work. keep the good impressions and banish the negatives. release the need to feel guilty or as a victim. keep the communication line open. trust is what matters most, so make a pledge that issues of trust can always be discussed openly and without judgement.

but that said, never compromise your happiness.

good luck.

.wish i never had to post this.

my entire drive home tonight, all i could hear in my head was...

"how's that 5th gear going for ya?"

if that didn't make any sense, its cause you missed out on getting to know this one amazing person... that has 'by forces of nature (and my downright stupidity)' chosen to walk out of my life.

tonight, i found a new definition for the word 'cold'.

Cold (v.)

- when love is taken away from you.

i'd love to hit the rewind button right about now. :(

.scratch out that checklist.

dont go looking for someone who will tick all the boxes on your checklist...

... because most people don't really know what they really want (or what is honestly good for them) anyway.

thats also when i believe you'd have a greater chance to realize/meet/notice someone who would come into your life and write that checklist for you, AND tick all those boxes at the same time :)

... and when you're fortunate enough to have that happen to you, promise yourself you would love them as hard as you can in this lifetime (feast of love, 2007), because you never know how long (or short) that time may be.

"don't be afraid to love and lose, God made our hearts so brave for a reason."

xox

.the man and umbrella theory.

in light of the recent super crap weather in brisbane, I formed a theory. yes, eyes rolling is allowed if u must.

anywayy....

I recently sought shelter underneath a random dude's umbrella (just to cross a road to the next shelter) when I noticed.. i waited to find a guy with the biggest umbrella. reason being, I wanted to make sure that he had enough for both him and I if he agreed to take me under.

this made me think - shouldn't that be the prerequisite for choosing a partner in life as well?

u know, finding someone who has enough for himself and would be happy to share some with you without leaving himself in the rain - instead of someone who can't give you enough that both your shoulders have to be sacrificed to accommodate one another. or worse, leave himself in the rain just to make sure u're fully sheltered.

honourable yes, but it shouldn't have to be like that.

what say you?

.food for thoughts.

With every break up, you wanna make sure you're new (again) and "Improved" for the next relationship.

Not broken.

So, until you figure out what you're taking (and able to contribute into your new chapter with that new brilliant person) ...and what you're going to leave in the past, hang tight and be good to yourself.

No heart should have to rush from one train wreak to another.

.for 'that guy' in my life.

as usual...
lots to say but cant seem to get the words out.

will try again another day. till then...



... this song just sounds and feel appropriate right now.

enjoy.

... and try to smile - for the ones who cant.


*if you can't see the video, "view original post" :)

.my theory of the beginning of a journey.

so here's my theory of "the beginning of romance" between guys & girls -

1. guy sees girl and is attracted.

2. girl sees guy checking her out.

3. she then has the choice to:

~ return a signal of mutual interest (try a shy/slutty/fun/flattered little smile before u turn away slowly - while maintaining the smile on your face - indicating and making him feel "he made a good impact on you" - which will boost his confidence at the same time); or

~ totally give him nothing (which means "you're not my type, so please stop staring")

4. aaanyway.. upon receiving a positive response from the girl, the guy should proceed with the next step of pursuit - after all, it's true that if a guy wants u enough, HE will do something - esssspecially after u've already clearrrrly given him the green light (so be cooperative girls!)

5. ... and the rest is history :)

alternatively, if the girl sees the guy first, the only difference is that the first step becomes - girl needs to catch guy's eyes first (cuz 98% of regular guys would naturally check out any girl that he catches shooting him some attention) n then, just like that... the process starts over again :)

*Disclaimer: UNLESS the guy rules her out from the get-go... (cuz lets face it girls... we can be fab, but it happens - he's married, he's seriously in love with his partner, he's gay or... sigh, u're just not his type.)

:) hehee.. ok.. I've bullshitted enough. don't throw rotten tomatoes at me.

.my list just got more serious.

4 years ago... i wrote a list (for fun)... i reviewed it a year ago and still believed it. and whether its healthy for me or not, i still think that list is bloody awesome.

... because despite what others may believe, i honestly and sincerely believe i found him. a guy who really pulled off becoming "the closest to perfection". its almost like he read the list and programmed himself to suit.... *....hmm - naaah...* but go figure.

since then... i learnt more. *yeap, you can shake your head in disapproval now* - but in all seriousness... from my recent adventure, i actually found more... "essentialties" in a relationship. [...yes, i created that word - pronounced 'essential-tees']

now, u don't have to agree with me, but here goes -

***

1. find someone you that makes you want to give them everything, not to show them how much you care or to prove your love for them, not even "because they deserve it", but because you honestly can't tell yourself not to.

2. find someone that you can trust to never give up on you because you failed them or yourself or the relationship; someone who would instead pump in more effort and energy to make things right for the both of you because they know u're in this together, especially when one is momentarily weak.

3. find someone who would stand up for you against any negativity when you need them to, in a way that shows they honestly believe in you and your ability and strength, not because you can't stand up for yourself, but because they can sense your vulnerability in your silence without you having to express it.

4. find someone who would, despite whatever they believe in, always make you feel assured and confident in their special affection and care for you, especially when it matters most.

5. find someone who sees you both as one against everything else; not meaning to rob each other of the ability to stand on your own and be independent, but as one against anything that tries to break you two apart.

***

now i really can say goodbye to finding mr.perfect, huh?

thats alright, i'll feed my soul with a successful career and be one of those woman with no soul and a steel heart. hey... that could come in handy in some areas of law, don't you think? ;)

.at that point.

i think... something in me broke yesterday.

nothing physical.

i'm talking about matters of the heart.

unexpected and unwelcome tears burned my eyes...

i wasn't even thinking about sad thoughts.

perhaps thats how it is when the heart cries.

when the mind plays no part in it...

and i think, that's what's scary.

i dont think i'm entirely ready to let go.

but i do know that,

something in me has definitely given up...

and it hurts.

.3 minute random day dream.

was listening to anberlin's "inevitable" ...and ended up imagining a conversation taking place between a guy and a girl who has always longed for one another, and are finally given a chance to sit together at a quiet spot at a park somewhere, after their first 'real' date...

Inevitable - Anberlin

***

girl smiles at guy... looking away slightly, anticipating the next course of events that might take place between them...

slowly their heads tilt towards each other, although still not directly face to face.

guy, whispers knowingly to girl, "kiss me only when you're ready..."

girl, in a small voice, asked, "ready... for what?" - turning to look up at guy, again just slightly.

guy looks into girl's eyes, "ready to give me your last first kiss..."

***

purely fictional, mind you.

most people don't do cheesy anymore.

***

p.s. happy supposedly 9th month anniversary my dear ELN...

.after math.

its been 2 days since he left... so i guess its about time to ask the question:

"how is sherlene?"

truth is, i haven't found the nerve to ask, because right now, sherlene is marching on. strong. she hasn't been crying (too much) and she hasn't been spreading negative chi around the people around her (not that she knows of anyway)...

because she's made a deal with herself - even if it means being in denial for a while - that she's not going to allow herself to -

• get sucked into the whole "i just lost my boyfriend" emotional drama;
• take sympathy on herself;
• think that she's lost the love of her life;
• cry every single night;
• show up at work looking unprofessional;
• use this as another reason not to progress in life, especially career wise;
• become all down and negative and hard to be around;
• think being single again sucks;
• lose the positive energy he has planted in her, because he truly has changed the way she thinks and feel about... life.

:)

he's my inspiration - and right now, the most important person (family aside) in my life. before he left, he restored something in me that i haven't been able to believe in for a while now; he gave me the greatest and most unconditional gift...

... the gift of love.

and with that, i shall not allow myself to fall apart.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" - Moulin Rouge

.mooncake festival.3/10/09.

.airport.4/10/09.

xox

.shall we dance: movie quote.

watched "shall we dance" today, starring richard gere, susan sarandon & j.lo.

... and i thought the line in the video above should most definitely be quoted -

when asked about her take on why people get marriage, susan sarandon's character says:

" ... because we need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'. "

also, i was trying to find my favourite scene from the movie on youtube, but somehow only the foreign languaged ones popped up... [i guess it'll just have to do for now. aaand you might have to watch the whole movie to feel the gravity and emotions of this particular part of the movie... ]

ps: if you're reading this post but not seeing the video, that's cuz u're reading from my automatic facebook note update rather than my original blog post on blogger... [i'm sure there's a link to the original post somewhere.]

.ohhhh how i hateee petty arguments!.

don't u hate it when you argue with your boyfriend and then receive an sms, but then realize it ISN'T from him?!

don't u hate it when you try to make peace with him but things end up worst than you initially left it?!

don't u hate it when you have to go to bed angry at him?

... and further angry/annoyed/disappointed because you know that you can't possibly make peace with him before bed without having to suppress your true feelings about the argument?

don't you hate it when you realize things could've gone differently if you both just calmed down a little bit more and reacted or handled things better?

don't you hate it when a petty issue escalates into a blog-worthy argument, AND ruins the good day you both had together?

don't you hate it when a good day ends badly?

I DO!!! :(

.desperately finding inner peace.

here's a question. [one i've probably already asked before in the past]

OH hell, tell me again;-

if someone says something about you or something related to you that you do not agree about, does trying to explain and/or stick up for yourself make you "defensive"?

... and what if you do not voice your unhappiness about the comment, then feel terribly shitty for having to cop it? teach me please, how do you deal with the bottled up verbal vomit?

GAH! im going to bed even more disappointed than before. talk about piling more shit on top of existing shit.

.the heart weeps; its been a whole day.

attended a black and white awards night on tuesday. it was a work thing. my store went as the phantom of the opera, hence the mask. was a pretty cool night. i came in top #5 in watch sales twice, which was unexpected. yay! i can sell! (at least im good at something.)

anyway, sheenie boo's parents will be arriving here on friday night. looking forward to be around family again (close enough anyway) - and especially with adults!

cervical cancer vaccination due soon... might go on monday. im guessing, alone, this time.

and yes, i'm still unhappy; although it seems like i'm the only one. it got me thinking, alot. thats never a good thing. (... and yes yes, its obviously boyfriend trouble.) but anyway, i'm gonna stay calm for now. upset, but calm. however that works.

work tomorrow. full day. ciao!

.needed: a pillar of strength.

i've found two important requirements / conditions / characteristics [among many others? ;)] for a guy who wants to be my guy [long term] -

1. i need him to be very sure that he really wants to be with me, because that will give him a solid reason to fight and work hard on keeping us together when things get rough. even IF i lose faith [i can be weak that way...], he'd be strong enough to fight for the both of us, trusting that if he hangs on, i'll follow his strong lead [which i will]. afterall, relationships are hard work. so if he can lead by example? :) be the man?

2. i need him to love me more than his pride. i don't want a wuss or a guy with no stance, but i dont want a guy who would rather hurt me deeper than necessary [in a regular couple-type argument] just because he can't set his pride aside for a second to give us an opening to reconcile; cause YES, i am quite stubborn. so i really need him to be a little less, cuz usually, if he can just start apologizing first, [childish, i know] i will usually follow suit! hence... i need a guy who'd not let his pride come between us, even when mine does.

THERE! too much to ask already? heheee....

p.s. who posted a comment as erwann in one of my older posts?? so not cool dudeee....

p.s.2 HAPPY BIRTHDAY IVAN!! :)