this may sound sick to many people, but i can now clearly state that -
i find true pleasure and enjoyment in speaking for others.
whether its telling someone else's story to another person for the person (sheensie-poo gets a lot of me doing that...) or helping them argue or make a point... i'm there! :)
like, taking recent examples: i'd listen to their problems. they'd ask for my opinion as to what i'd do in their situation. instantly, i'd say something along the lines of... "i'd say..." - and then feel, yea, that sounded really good.i think that'd do the trick. - which would then give me a strong urge to WANT TO SAY IT FOR THEM...
full of sh*t? smart arse (like ivan)? bloody nosy? or perhaps, born to be an advocate? ;) hehee... either way, i find it amusing. whats my problem, right...? :P
was listening to anberlin's "inevitable" ...and ended up imagining a conversation taking place between a guy and a girl who has always longed for one another, and are finally given a chance to sit together at a quiet spot at a park somewhere, after their first 'real' date...
today, i sat at a cafe during lunch, eating a tiramisu cake alone. it felt empowering at first, then slowly, i started getting bored. the people walking around queen st weren't that interesting. boo.
but its good, at least it was boredom rather than patheticism... :) - and thanks to nanda who joined me after that!! i'll seriously consider the "holiday working visa to uk" thing...
also, it was great seeing pierre and cynthia today. they visited me at work. it was cute how both of them kinda looked at me, silently, with a look that was a mixture of concern and doubt as to whether i was okay after erwann left. :) they're so sweet. can't wait to catch up again. :)
... cant believe its only been a week since he left me. :(
ANYWAY, on a different note, (and a more upbeat one, thank God!) i had a thought today...
how great was it that i was given the honour of giving a speech about my good friend Mouzam at his engagement party? :) it just reaaaally sunk in, that that moment is going to live in my memory for ever.
it truly was special and truly was a huge honour. a very sweet symbol and memory to our 7 year friendship.
imagine, in the future when our kids meet and make friends with each other, i can tell them, "mummy and uncle mouzam are very good friends. mummy spoke at his engagement party, telling everyone how wonderful he is."
SO... friends, anyone's next?? :)
i'm on a good-friends-engagement-speech high!
... and again, i'd like to wish all the love and happiness in the world to mouzam and his fiancee, faziya. they make a beautiful couple. :)
sorry for the melodramatic-ness... just sorta keeping a diary of my progress here. if you don't mind. its therapeutic. :)
just noting that i have been fine. its sunday already. that makes it a week since he's left my side. feels like eternity. i'm not lonely, but i just feel incomplete without him. BUT i have been fine. the strength to hang on and continue being fine is still strong...
although, as you would've noticed... the title of the post highlights "day 5"...
because on the night of day 5, i crashed... a little.
it was unexpected, because i thought i had my basis covered. i've blocked out the things i shouldn't be thinking about, but somehow one innocent thought killed me. it was weird.
i was under my quilt, snuggling up, when i thought to myself "my new quilt is awesome. so fluffy. so comfortable. awesome buy!" - thats when i recalled how him and i had bought it together 2 weeks before he left, becuz i needed a bigger quilt for my new double bed... and how he's kept the little sample piece of the quilt with him, like a little pillow.
those thoughts then led to me, recalling all the times we went shopping together. laughed together. embarrassed one another. annoyed the crap outta each other. - and with those sweet but poisonous thoughts, i fell apart.
i just missed him so much. so so much. so much, i couldn't hold back the tears.
BUT... i'm okay now. its a new day. :)
TODAY, i bought a new pair of stilettos for $50! love it!! wore it to mouzam's engagement party. which reminds me, HAPPY ENGAGEMENT BUDDY!!!! you looked soOOo cuteee!!! - photos shall be uploaded soon!
its been 2 days since he left... so i guess its about time to ask the question:
"how is sherlene?"
truth is, i haven't found the nerve to ask, because right now, sherlene is marching on. strong. she hasn't been crying (too much) and she hasn't been spreading negative chi around the people around her (not that she knows of anyway)...
because she's made a deal with herself - even if it means being in denial for a while - that she's not going to allow herself to -
get sucked into the whole "i just lost my boyfriend" emotional drama;
take sympathy on herself;
think that she's lost the love of her life;
cry every single night;
show up at work looking unprofessional;
use this as another reason not to progress in life, especially career wise;
become all down and negative and hard to be around;
think being single again sucks;
lose the positive energy he has planted in her, because he truly has changed the way she thinks and feel about... life.
he's my inspiration - and right now, the most important person (family aside) in my life. before he left, he restored something in me that i haven't been able to believe in for a while now; he gave me the greatest and most unconditional gift...
... the gift of love.
and with that, i shall not allow myself to fall apart.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" - Moulin Rouge