.the talk.

We talked.
I voiced out.
He listened.
He also explain some things,
where I was misinformed.

Somehow I trust him.

Breaking up has always been my way to solve things.
But he didnt let that happen tonite.
He very calmly walked us through this.
I told him everything I felt...

Things could be better from now.
In fact,
I somehow find myself liking him more.
Maybe its becuz Im weak,
and becuz I never was ready to let him go.
Im glad we didn't break up tonite.

I just hope this talk really meant something.
According to Jimmy,
This wasn't a step forward in our relationship,
Its a Leap.

We'll see if that meant anything.

.3 major assessments coming up.

As mentioned in the title of this post,
Yes,
I have 3 major assessments lined up.
2 on Monday,
1 on Friday.

I've only done/prepared for one of them so far.
Hence...
This is definitely not the time for relationship issues.
But sadly,
Its consuming me.
He has turned me into a pathetic loser.

Its been 2 days since we last spoke,
Which has happened in the past (and only meant we were busy)...
But very rarely have we not spoken for 2 days,
after having a bad conversation last.

I go to bed thinking what to say to him if he calls,
and I wake up, springing to my mobile quicker than my eyes can open,
just to see if I had missed his call or if he had left me an sms.
I'm going crazy here.
But I do not want to call him first.

I know I'm being a girl.
But if he hasn't noticed,
I am a girl.
And no way am I gonna back down.
Now Im just worried that he'd call me and act like nothings wrong.
What do I do then?

Bring up my issues and start a "talk"?
Or
Wave everything and go with HIS flow and act like I've been fine?

SHOOT ME SOMEONE.

I'm going to Reiji tonite,
and I'm gonna forget about him.

.me & my wake up call.

I've spoken to quite a number of people about my current predicament.
And they've all directed me to the same path...
The path (of life) where I shud continue walking - alone.

Undeniably,
He still has a hold on my poor heart.
Which is expected...
Otherwise I wouldn't be feeling this confused.

Truth be told,
I wasn't happy enough.
I knew that!
Yea, we have tons of fun when we're together.
But that shouldn't excuse him for the times when he made me feel insignificant, rite?

You know what my problem is?
I'm suffering from a disease.
A disease very similar to the "battered woman syndrom"...
(emotional wise)

Over and over,
I've been disrespected and humiliated,
Emotionally toyed with...
(one moment I feel like I'm all he wants,
the next I'm back feeling like I'm not good enough)
Placed through series of doubts and (justifiable) insecurities,
Made to feel like a temporary parking space before a better one turns up,
Mislead with hopes and empty words...
Why havent I voiced out about all this?!

Sadly,
thats cuz the above always gets striked out by...
1) him, showering me with praise and loving words.
2) him, telling me, I'm what he wants in a long term companion.
3) him, telling me, he's officially telling his friends that I'm his gal.
4) him, spending all his weekends with me.
5) him, telling me he likes me soOoo much...

WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO THINK?
Hmmm...
Friends make the choice seem so obvious.
But deep down,
I can't help feeling that maybe they dont know enough to pass judgement.
Afterall,
Who'd know the relationship more than the 2 persons actually IN the rship rite?

Then another word pops up...
DENIAL?

*sigh*

.Its really not the 16 year olds that Im attacking.

16 year olds who thinks they're old enuff to sleep with Men over 25,
who ISN'T their boyfriend,
shud shut their friggin legs and feel ashamed of themselves.

25 above men who thinks sleeping with 16 year olds is acceptable,
using excuses such as "she seems way beyond her years" is a friggin loser!
You wanna screw around?
Screw someone your own age, you paedophile!!

And this isn't discriminating against their age gap.
A 20 year old can by all means sleep with a 30 year old,
cuz both parties at that age SHOULD be able to rightfully judge the situation,
and honestly consider the weight of their actions on the same wave length.

But 16 year olds and 25+ men...
The 16 year old shud really ask herself why she's doing it,
and the 25+ year old shud feel ashamed of himself,
cuz he shud know better than to take advantage of a young girl,
who PROBABLY sounds like she knows what she wants,
but really is only trying to conform to peer pressure.
She might not know better,
But the guy SHUD!

Excuses such as what I mentioned above is simply disgusting.
I'd rather you just admit that you want pussy,
and u're jumping on the offer cuz the 16 year old they meet is fun, easy and dumb enough to spread their legs for u for nothing.
An easy fuck. Why pass, right?

I can imagine girls that age being very easily impressed by an older man.
Whether its the guy's physical built or mental knowledge.
And he probably doesnt even need to be VERY smart,
just an ability to bullshit their way tru things would be enough.

And the young girl wouldn't question...
Why?
Becuz to them,
older man knows more.
They're smart, they're cool,
and above all,
they're not their silly male classmates who thinks shooting peanuts out of their nose is funny.

Hence they find themselves easily attracted to these older guys.
There.
I'm justifying the typical average 16 year old girls' acts of being easy.
That doesnt mean I dont feel disappointed and frustrated tho.
I just wish these girls wouldn't rush the process of growing up.
Why act like a 21 year old when you can enjoy being 16?

And dont get me wrong.
Im not preaching that "Save yourself until marriage!" crap.
In fact,
Odd enough,
Personally,
I think that if a 16 year old sleeps with a classmate,
or a guy who's... say, 18, I wouldn't fuss this much.
Why?
Cuz I think both the 16 and 18 year olds are at the same state of mind.
They think the same things.
They're curious, they wanna know,
Their friends are doing it,
They thinks its how u express love... etc.

Basically, they're both probably twits who both think they're so cool,
and that they're soOoo in charge of the world.
And you can't stop twits from thinking like twits.

And thats precisely what Im arguing when I say,
a 25+ man SHOULD KNOW BETTER!

ARGGH!!
FUCKING HORNY DESPERATE MEN!!
FUCK SOMEONE YOUR OWN AGE AND LET KIDS BE KIDS!
DON'T MISUSE YOUR INFLUENCE ON THEIR EASY MINDS.

You think it feels good that they look up to you and think u're God?
You think its great that their mouth hangs open when you know more than them,
and you impress the shit outta them?
WELL GUESS WHAT...
They're 16.
You're friggin a decade older.
YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO KNOW MORE.
WHATS THE THRILL IN IMPRESSING PEOPLE WHO OBVIOUSLY WOULDN'T KNOW THINGS PEOPLE YOUR AGE DOES?
ISNT THE KEY TO KNOW MORE THAN THOSE OF YOUR AGE?

Sigh.
SOME PEOPLE JUST HAVE REALLY LOW STANDARDS.
(but I guess if they're really just a nobody,
I can see how they can feel intimidate by women closer to their age,
and opt for the fresher and easier minds to get what they need.
Can't convince that hot professional to sleep with you?
Screw an easy 16 year old!)

WHAT A CHEAP SHOT FOR AN EGO BOOST.

By the way,
In regards to the title of this post,
Im really not meaning to attack 16 year olds.
I know there are decent ones out there.
And to the not so decent ones,
Im not gonna waste my time trying to educate you.
After all, you're still a twit.

Therefore this post goes out to all 25+ men,
who thinks they're SUCH A MAN for screwing young 16 year olds.
Maybe one day your 16 year old daughter would yell at you that "they know what they want" and they "love this 26 year old man" and wants to sleep with them,
and you'd realise there's nothing you can do about it,
cuz you were once this 25+ year old man,
and you know exactly what is going to happen.
Well... till then,
Good Luck.

.another realisation?.

I had a nice chat with Jimmy last nite.
Made me realise lots of things.
For the first time,
I was completeeeeely honest with him.

I told him we were alike.
I told him WHY we were alike.
I even gave him examples of how we are alike.

And we also took out the past and broke it down,
and analysed how we dealt with past rships...
and I was completely honest about how I was,
what I was thinking,
and about why I did the things I did.

Then I realised one thing that both applied to him and I.
We've both been tru too many past relationships,
which in their own way, had hurt bits of us...
And then we both had a some-what big blow in (at least) one of the rships,
and somehow never recovered.

Therefore,
From that point on...
Our guards were up.
Whether we admit it or not,
we never really allow ourselves to commit to a relationship.

Yes, some feelings would naturally be invested.
Yes, we'd care about the other person.
Yes, we'd be sweet and do things to make us feel like we're great partners,
and that we deserved to be with who we're with...

But in the end,
We'd always be able to walk away and think,
"yeaa... as expected. (sigh) meh! time to move on."

AND THIS WAS WHEN I REALISED why my relationships dont work.

Well, I have always known that...
I tend to run away when things get rough.
EVEYTIME.
When the relationship loses its care-free-ness,
turns a bit more serious,
and when more mumble-jumble arises...
Thats precisely when I flee.
And my excuse was always that there were problems,
and we werent right for each other,
and its just too hard...

But in true fact,
SOMETHING I REALISED LAST NITE...
It wasn't becuz I'm addicted to the honeymoon days in Rships,
It wasn't becuz I'm easily bored,
It wasn't becuz he wasn't the right guy...
But I honestly think,
I run so quickly becuz I never really cared enough to stay.

See, I never allowed myself to get too involved,

(self-defence mechanism from past hurts & set backs)

hence never feeling that "want" to stick around and fight for my rships.

You know how they say,
"When the going gets tough, the tough gets going?" -
For me its more like,
"When the going gets tough, Sherlene gets going."

Hmm...
Moral of the story...
"Love like You'd Never Get Hurt"?

Easier said than done.
Sigh.

Remember I said how I was completely honest with Jimmy?
Well...
I even told him how (at the beginning of our rship) I was gonna give "me and him" a shot at being something more than my usuals...
But after our "(he's) not ready to settle" discussion,
I told myself...
"Sherlene, its time to get back in the game."
(And I did... ^^)

He didnt say anything back.
He just hugged me tighter.
God knows what that meant.

.another dear diary entry.

Mid-Sem Holidays are coming up.
Just 5 more days to go.
The thing is, I dont really get a break.
Lets just say,
I've been break-ing for the past weeks...
And this is when I really need to prepare my bullets for war.

I THINK I've got my work under control,
and my plan of attack SHOULD make things flow smoothly...
Sigh.
Final Semester can be so scary.
Well lets hope this is my final semester.

I'm applying for my Legal Practice Course tomorrow.
Its for next year's intake.
Jan-June 2008.
I read the course overview and realised...
Although the PLT is kinda like studying at Uni,
Its tailored more to resemble the real world.

I'll be having 9-5 working hours...
That also means,
Goodbye Life!
*sigh*

See?
This is why growing up is such a pain.
Every different stages you proceed to,
faces you with a whole different level of scare.
I can only hope that someday,
I'd look back to this stage as 'no biggie',
Just like how I feel when I think back to graduating from All Saints & SPM...
and moving to Australia.
Hmm...

Oh hey,
I just discovered a singer whom Im really growing to like.
Diana Krall.
She's pretty old-school.
She sings Jazz-like songs.
Her songs are the type you'd love to snuggle up in bed with.
Snuggle up in bed with someone, that is.
Also the type you'd slow dance to.
She's cool. I like her.

So Jimmy is back.
Everything seems great between us.
And we also managed to have a chat about things...
We decided that at this point,
Our "Relationship" is one that has EVERYTHING;
aside from Commitment & Security.
(We decided = I agreed reluctantly)
Well, he claims there is some security,
But frankly, I dont think so.

Without Commitment,
There can't be security...
And with him 'assuring' me that there isn't any commitment,
How can I possibly feel secure, yea?

Therefore,
I know I've probably said this many times before,
But seriously,
I've decided to actively search for someone better.
Someone who'd be able to give me what I want.
Like Zahrah said,
If the relationship doesnt give you what you need,
Maybe he's not the one.

Recalling the telephone convo I had with Shafeeq a couple of days earlier,
It made me remember how great it felt to be the apple of someone's eye.
To be cherished and to feel that he's more than content to be with you.
As if having you felt like all his Christmases had came at once.
I long to feel that way. I do.

So yea,

Right now,
I'd say my official status right now is -

Taken; But negotiable.

Oh.. and you know what?
See,
Jimmy and I have an open communication happenin for us.
And before he left for work today,
I asked him,
"So... on a scale from 1-10,
how much would u rate your flirting with other people out there?"

"8" - he said.
Say, I've really got to love and hate him for his honestly.

ps: Ivan,
I think i will meet up with Andres afterall.

ps 2: I think I know why Jimmy came into my life.
See, I've been calling him my Karma,
and that he's so similar to me when it comes to relationships.

You know what that means?
I'm being showed exactly how I've made my past boyfriends felt.
All those insecurities and my lack of commitment.
I HATE THAT FEELING.
Hence, I shouldn't make anyone else feel the way I do now.

So...
Ok...
Now that I've learnt my lesson,
Does that mean its time for Jimmy to go?
So now can I finally start building a long term relationship with someone?
(and most definitely treat them much better than how I would have in the past)

.britney did it again.

I just realised something.
I was searching around YouTube for Britney Spear's latest MTV Awards performance,
and suddenly found myself stuck in the middle of endless clips of her interviews.
From 1999 to 2007.
I remember her from then,
and I can see who she's become today.
The difference is... well... significant.
And sadly, it isnt really in a good way.

Somehow...
Despite all the drama and news about her,
I find myself feeling for her.
She was crying in many recent interviews.
It just made me feel sad.

She was truly once the pop icon.
The pop princess.
I use to sing and dance to her music.
But now...
Not meaning to be mean,
But it just feels like she's lost it.
Lost all that she had worked so hard to build and achieve.
It saddens me...
It seriously does. :(

I also came across one particular clip,
obviously done up by one of her die-hard fans...
It really touched me.
I think Cold Play's Fix You played a part too.

*sniff sniff*
Oh my God...
I Love Britney Spears.

.no offence shud be taken.

I told myself that when this day comes,
I must blog about it.

This Day = The day I log onto Friendster,
and Stella Lai isn't on the "recently updated" list.

Whoa... Amazing.
I guess today will be different.

.personal stuffs; to go tru or to not go tru?.

Jimmy left for Malaysia an hour ago.
Sent him off at the airport as planned.
We were late,
but still decided to spend 5 minutes (or more) in each other's arms anyway.
He almost wasn't allowed to board... keKkee...
I hope he'll have a great time..
I sincerely do.

We called Groovy on the way to the airport.
He says to call him as soon as Jimmy checks in.
He's being so helpful.
I cant thank him enough.

But anyway...
Something sorta BIG happened tonite.
Let me ask you this:

Don't you hate it when someone goes tru your personal stuff?

But turning the tables,
Have you been tru someone elses' stuff,
FIND SOMETHING which forces you to dig deeper,
and eventually hurt yourself from finding out?

AND not to mention,
Hate yourself for starting in the first place?

See...
Everyone would hate the person who goes tru other's stuffs, rite?
After all,
They have no right to cross those lines.
Its private.
I'd hate it if someone secretly decides to stoop around my personals.

But think about it from the other person's side.
You're in the position where information is laid out in front of u.
You're curious...
You're curious to see if curiosity would actually kill the cat.
And then your curiousity forms a mind of its own.
It starts acting by itself.

Before you know it,
You've uncovered something "fishy"...
Your curiousity builds up more.
You start HATING yourself for not being able to just "let it go"...
You proceed to plunge, head first into the situation.

Eventually,
You see something you dont wanna see.
Something you kinda expected, but didn't expect to find.
(if you know what i mean)
Something that changes everything.
Something that puts you on unstable grounds.
Something that would make you question everything.
Something that you would so wanna confront him about,
but you're afraid to...
Becuz YOU CROSSED THE PRIVACY LINE!!

... and confronting him would make you the bad guy.
And you dont wanna be that guy!!

Thats when you start hating yourself.
And regret slips in.
Sigh.

Question is,
Is the regret for crossing the line?
Or...
Was it for trusting him in the first place?

*numb*

.jimmy & his travels.

Jimmy and I watched my French movie on Monday night.

I liked it, and he did too.

It probably helped that it was in French,

so thats why he felt close to it.

I personally loved the story and the culcure and etc.

I think he love that I loved all that.

Its... quite a sadistic love story.

haHaa but I liked it!

Jimmy left for Newcastle yesterday. (Tuesday)

Again, I sent him off at the airport.

I've got to say,

I love and hate how much he travels.

Love

1) I get time for myself.

2) I get to feel single.

3) I get the bed for myself.

4) I dont have to worry about meals for two and etc.

5) I wake up and sleep anytime I like.

6) I dont have to run according to plans he may have.

Hate

1) He's away.

2) I dont get warm hugs and kisses.

3) I cant see him when I want to.

4) I dont have someone to cluddle up with in front of the tv.

5) It gets cold at night.

6) I dont get to talk to him for hours and tell him stories.

7) He's away!

He's coming back at 6pm on Friday.

Then flying off to Malaysia for 10 days at 11.55pm,

THAT SAME NIGHT.

Its cool how much he travels and have fun.

If only I had the means to go on this trip with him.

Im really worried about him being in KL alone.

I managed to get Groovy to probably meet him when he's there.

G is bloody sweet. :)

But he is also so busy,

It wouldn't feel nice to bug him.

I guess I'll just give Jimmy his number,

and we'll see what happens.

ooH... Jimmy and I also decorated a Pavlova together.

I had fun! :)

and it tasted awesoMe!

.Ronaldo has been a naughty boy - ^^.

Ronaldo's story is out.
A wild night with the boys, celebrating their first premier league win...
I read about it, and thought -
Wow.

Sadly,
I cant help feeling jealous.
HAHA.

TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST...
I WISH I WAS AT THE PARTY!!!
haHhaa... Okay, sorry.. *ahem*

You can read about it too -
http://www.sundaymirror.co.uk/news/sunday/2007/09/02/our-orgy-with-man-united-aces-98487-19722284/

I also read that the 'escort' who sold her story got sacked.
BoOhoOo...
Well...
I wouldn't have been able to shut up if I was her.
haHaa and getting fired could be worth it.

ANYWAY...
I found a couple of new random pics of Ronaldo...
(not from that night, altho Im determined to find some)
Thought I'd share. :)

C.Ronaldo in Vogue

.glory glory!.

Man Utd won last nite.

Yay!

Hopefully this would continue,

and we'd soon be back on track.

Glory Glory!!

Cyrus came back from HK yesterday.

That jersey-pillow was a gift from him.

For sure,

RONALDO 7 is the name behind the jersey.

My babe has finally served his suspensions.

He'll be back in the next match.

I hope I see changes.

The team needs a stronger attacking force.

I have faith in Saha.

And apparently,

Rooney's injury isn't gonna keep him out as long as first thought.

YAY again!

Newayz,

Jimmy and I will be separated for another 2 weeks soon.

He's flying off to Newcastle on Tuesday,

and the back on Friday,

Then on the same night,

He's flying to Malaysia for 10 days.
*boo hoo*

Im gonna miss him.

Ps- That'd mean I'll be available for dates.
So just call.
haHaa...