.need a little more "cruel" in me?.

i think im not cruel enough. when dealing with people, i mean. specifically in professional environments.

see, i dont know what's better -

1. to be insulted and shut up because you dont want to say something mean in return, in fear that you'd hurt someone's feelings? ; or
   
   
2. to be insulted and say exactly whats on your mind, so they'd know u're not some pussy who'd be shoved around - but at the same time, hurt their feelings and perhaps have others pay the consequences of your inability to hold your tongue?

those who speaks without a care in the world - how do you do it? don't other people's feelings matter to you? do you regret things? and if u do, does that stop you from doing it again?

cuz i don't think i'd be able to rest well if one day, i somehow blurted something totally evil to someone (even if its true), especially when it wasn't necessary, and knowing that there was perhaps a better way to get my message across...

how do some people do it?

ie - *purely fictional*cough*

her: "i guess u're just not a good sales person"

me (i wish): "do you actually think before you speak? or even hear yourself? is it really necessary to say such thing? especially when it is so uncalled for? how did you picture me reacting to such a comment? was there a specific result you were aiming to achieve by saying that? and above all, do you really have the rights or even the 'figures' to justify such a comment? or did you just say that because you really don't have anything else to say?? - bitch."

i soo hate that cow who thinks she knows everything. bloody bitch. bloody bloooody bitch. *cough*

.desperately finding inner peace.

here's a question. [one i've probably already asked before in the past]

OH hell, tell me again;-

if someone says something about you or something related to you that you do not agree about, does trying to explain and/or stick up for yourself make you "defensive"?

... and what if you do not voice your unhappiness about the comment, then feel terribly shitty for having to cop it? teach me please, how do you deal with the bottled up verbal vomit?

GAH! im going to bed even more disappointed than before. talk about piling more shit on top of existing shit.

.victim of my admission.

i recently admitted that i get defensive in arguments very easily, and tend to argue defensively a lot.

now, disregarding the efforts i feel i've been putting in to change this 'habit', tell me, do i at least deserve a little benefit of the doubt that sometimes i may actually be arguing 'properly'?

because it pisses me off that now, as soon as i say something in an argument, it automatically becomes, "ooooh... sherlene is being defensive again! thats why she's not backing down!"

but what if i really disagree with something thats being said?

can i not say something without people thinking i'm taking things personally and being defensive?

AND ON THE OTHER HAND...

honestly, where's the wrong in saying something to defend myself when i actually do feel the need to speak up for myself?

NOW, be honest... reply as anonymous if u want, i promise i wont do an IP check. please tell me -

am i just being defensive again? or are people using my 'defensiveness' to judge my credibility and to simply overule my words without merits?

aaaargh!!!

p.s. i hate it when people refuse to open their minds to the fact that their words actually ARE OFFENDING ME, and use "you're just being defensive again!" as a way to make me feel stupid for feeling offended when any so-called "non-defensive" person would have felt offended anyway!

.disappointing day.

well, to be fair, its currently only the first half of the day... but the amount of disappointment i've felt has made me just want to crawl in bed and wake up tomorrow. [with hopes that it'll be better than today]

i guess the whole world now knows that united put up a very weak fight against barca this morning in the UEFA champs league final this morning. i felt its the result of making wrong decisions from step one. *cough*anderson*cough* but oh well, gratz to barca. a truly worthy opponent.

after the match, my guy called and i snapped at him because it sure didnt take alot for him to irritate me that morning. my mood was like piss (like wee wee) after the match, mainly because it didnt suffice to swear at my players, so i ended up complaining about puyol. [sorry barca fans, i HAD to blame someone!] 

ANYWAY... not grasping the "never defend your girlfriend's enemy; i'd rather you shut up" concept [especially when she's obviously just venting her frustration], he told me not to attack puyol for united's loss. granted, the phone conversation ended very abruptly.

i then rushed to my staff meeting in the city, dreading the $6.00 + 2 hours travel for just a one hour meeting. not to mention the pain of carrying around a low mood in a very tired body.

when that was over, i texted my poor bubby and told him i'm sorry for snapping at him. no reply. when i got home half an hour later, i texted him again to ask if he was doing anything today and if i could come over to hang. no reply.

another half hour later, feeling all remaining energy sucked out of my body from watching endless youtube videos, i texted him to say i wont be coming. he then called. apparently he had fallen back asleep after the match. he told me to come, but i truly couldn't find the energy to. (mind u, he lives on the gold coast, 45 minutes drive away) so the conversation again, ended awkwardly... and again, i'm left feeling down.

anyway, in the midst of my melodramaticness... i found a few movies that i've decided to watch aaaand i'm gonna share them with you [the link takes u to their trailer on youtube] -

• obsessed - starring beyonce knowles.
  
• the ghost of girlfriends past - starring matt mcconaughey & jen garner
• the ugly truth - starring kathetine heigl & gerard butler

.letting a part of myself go.

been spending today reading. reading these stuff -

#. defensiveness

#. psychological defensiveness

#. low self esteem

#. how to talk to yourself

its not a lot of fun, but im hoping it helps with my problem.

1. i need to stop being my own worst enemy. 

2. i need to learn to breathe and relax. 

3. i need to learn to accept that sometimes, it doesn't matter what people think of me. 

4. i need to learn that i am not useless or a failure. 

5. i need to learn to listen. 

6. i need to learn not to take everything so seriously. 

7. i need to learn that my way is not the only way. 

8. i need to learn to believe that not everyone speaks with bad intentions, hence i need not feel threatened or pressured to defend myself. 

9. i need to learn to say "i don't think so" if i disagree without diving into endless excuses.

10. i need to learn not to care what people think about me, no matter how false.

.dark clouds.

right before i woke up this morning, i dreamt i was crossing a street in southbank and saw a dead cat... beside it was a damaged motorcycle and a tarap-head asian old man, bleeding and dead. i then look further and saw another dead cat... and next to it was a dead dog. then i saw the paramedics drive over. they turned out to be friends of mine from my foundation year (2003). they didn't seem to recognise me. - i then woke up feeling like crap.

today has been a bunch of bad news. i received bad news from home (kk). thursday (my day with erwann) isn't happening anymore because of last minute change-of-plans, and i was emotionally hurt by someone's words (although the hurt was mended by the end of the night- to a good-enough extent anyway.)

i'm gonna sleep it off. my eyes are puffy. sigh, work tomorrow.

p.s. don't ever take your parents for granted. call them just to say you love them at any chance you get. don't assume they know. you need to tell them often enough that they feel sick of you.