.its a wrap!.

"i was waiting for the moment i knew for sure what i wanted," she says.

"actually, there were a few," he tells her. "but u laughed them off."

***

have i really been that blind?

see... i'm not proud of 2008. mistakes after mistakes were made on my part. i lost my ability to be decisive and lost the ability to communicate with my heart. my head took over too many times; and i was too vulnerable to prevent it from reigning. i became an emotional retard.

in the midst of all the drama however, i met several kind souls. ones i would still hold out my hand to, and be there for. ones i truly wished for alternative and more forgiving circumstances between us. you guys know who u are.

if only things were different for me this year; if i was less skeptical, less anal, less emotionally bruised and battered, more trusting and my guards were less stubborn, i think could've ended this year smiling... and with warm hands.

so begone 2008! and here's to a new year, with new hopes, new dreams and new loves.

2009 NY resolutions so far:
* find a full time legal job.
* curse less.
* drink less.
* exercise more.
* develop a more regular/normal sleeping pattern.
* believe in fallin' in love.

.feelin' somewhat PMSie.

i dont think i've been THAT busy... i wonder why i havent found time to go online (long enough to blog anyway). maybe its the "stan effect". every time he's back in brissie, doing nothing with him is better than doing anything online. HAHA deep huh? nah, im just exaggerating. i've just been lazy.

so, another new year is just around the corner. last year's december and this year's is definitely different in many many ways.

here's what i've been up to in a nut shell:


Xmas Eve: work - then, drinks at work and our little secret santa. dinner with leon at hanaichi. mini gathering at home to drink into xmas. fell asleep drunk.

Xmas: redcliffe - crabbing, oystering, fishing. soaked in sea water and rain water. late dinner with friends. open gifts - love them all!!! thanks guys!!! [btw, i got TWO GUESS PURSES! - one from selina/cyrus and one from stan! (my old one ripped and now i've got 2 new ones! im so loved!)]


Boxing Day: shopping - over a hundred dollars gone at westfield chermside.

Post Boxing Day: work - then went to Guess. bought myself my first Guess bag and is now broke. then had drinks at fat louie. came home drunk. fell asleep and only got up the next morning. [no!! there is no drinking pattern!!! im not an alcoholicc!!]



***
yup. thats it folks. there arent many pics (not as much as i'd like anyway) cuz selina's cam is with her sis in malaysia. boo. lol but still, sigh... i cant believe this was 2008.

... i honestly didnt like it very much.

.i wish i wasnt serious.

*REAL CONVERSATION*

this convo took place on sunday between "my friend" and a fish monger -

FM: good afternoon.

MF: good afternoon. i was wondering if you can suggest me a good fish for steaming.

FM: that one is good. *points at a fish swimming in an aquarium*

MF: is it fresh?

FM: ... uh... of course.

***

lol if you didnt pick up what was wrong with the above conversation, you're just as silly as me!! *cough* i meant my friend! haHa... oh well!

happy christmas y'all!

.things u didnt need to know.

i feel sooo lazy aaaand tired; but i feel compelled to post an update. lol :)

x. stan is back! yay! thanks for droppin me at work today! xxxx

x. the girl on the greener grass... yep, the grass just got even greener. lol happy for her tho!! xxxx

x. stan just made a calculation based on my best and worst list, and we found out who had the worst year among the 4 years. *ahem*

x. its good being able to talk to stan again. its like, anything goes! and there's so much to fill him in on. :) im yet to ask him aboaut his complicated love life tho... he better be prepared.

x. wynna and sheensie has left brisbane for the remains of 2008. what a shitty year, we've all concluded. altho wyn's took an upwards turn that'd keep her smiling into the new year. :) [yes, do refer to the previous random fact]

x. tomorrow is a big chinese traditional celebratory festival thingie. will be cooking. REAL food too. i hope i still remember how to steam fish.

x. i've been flooding my mind with questions about relationships; its giving
me a headache. seems like a lose/lose situation for now.
sigh.

***

i need sleep. neeeed sleeeeep!

.the girl with the greener grass.

oh envy envy. :)

someone very dear to me went out on a date today. an actual date. u know, the type i havent experienced for a while now. *not hinting!*

it was an honest, "i'll take you out tomorrow night at 7." kinda thing. a "he picked me up and spoke to my family" type of date. also the "he made reservations at a restaurant" and "he naturally insisted on picking up the check" kinda rare occasions. ooh, and not forgetting the "he drove me home, said goodnight and made plans for the coming friday night" type of scenario... :)

i dont know bout u, but i think thats all really sweet. very 90s type of dating style, but so dearly missed and not to mention, so very underrated.

and despite what u may think about paying for dinner, no, its not an issue of being materialistic. its what most girls would find a gentleman-ly and courteous act. and no, it doesn't mean you have to pay for every subsequent meals. lets just say, first impressions really do count.

.feelin' light.

prettyyyy rite? :)
its a treble clef and a bass clef.
and yep, im thinking what u're thinking.

sheensie is leaving back home soon... and so is wynna. the house is gonna be a little emptier. thank goodness stan the man will be back and staying with us. :) cant wait till that dumbass comes home!


and james... no, no story. yet. ;)

.this and that.

been a few days since my last update. much has happened. much.

the girls celebrated their birthdays in pajamas and had a blast, while their pajama wearing guests were all great sports. and the drinks... whoa. the drinks... yea. :)

but party and drinking aside... my personal life took an unexpected turn. for better or for worse, its still a little premature to pass judgment. but we'll see.

on a diff note, i saw a shooting star last nite, and made a wish. :)

and again on a different note, i was wondering. if u've been confidently sure about something u've been feeling about yourself, say u know u're currently very comfortable where u are in life at the moment, can that change in a matter of days? hmm. i'm skeptical... and confused. hmm.

but hey, no one is rushing me to decide what i want. so thats good. guess i'll just go with the flow. besides, i owe it to myself to only accept things when i feel 100% about it; the least i can do is stick to that promise, yea?

im thinkin of getting inked. for real. im thinkin to get it before the new year.

.hey, she reads.

my latest read: "the lost diary of don juan" by douglas carlton abrams.

im only on page 48 at the moment, but so far, its quite good. didnt really like his way of writing and his choices of words at first, but upon further read, you just ignore the technicals and flow with the story, which is quite good.

the story of history's greatest lover afterall. how can that be boring rite?

anywayz, its mum's birthday today! :) weeeHee!! happy birthday mumsiee!! had a short but nice chat with her earlier, which was good. somehow only when i talk to my parents will i feel a strong surge of emotions, whereas if i dont call home or hear their voices, i'd be completely fine.

*sigh*

but hey, december is really birthday crazy huh? first dad and sheena, then wynna, and now mum! its a wonder how we keep up with all the hype! :) oh... and lets not forget, it was britney spears' birthday on the 2nd as well. ;)

speaking of hype, friday nite will be the nite where sheensie and wynnie officiate their new age. if u know what i mean. hahaa should be fun. will keep u posted.

till then, its 7.03am. i know who to blame! and u know who u are! lol

.reality; really?.

the baby of the family is now 18 years old. whoa. where did time fly?

it feels like a blink ago when she was still a little fry; when her world revolved around powerpuff girls, barbie dolls and playing teacher to her hundreds of teddy bears. :)

its hard to believe how many real blinks ago those times were. my baby sis is now 18. 18! somehow, no matter how many times i say it, i still can't believe its true.

imagine: "jie, i'm going clubbin with friends. dont wait up!" - omg. she's really 18.

:) happy birthday loser!

.your inspiration.

was listening to this song on my mp3 player this morning. it was me and mahfuz's song. these few days have been odd. 7 years later, i find myself in the deep end of mahfuz's life once again. yea, i've recently became the confidante of the latest heart mahfuz broke...

its a weird feeling. listening to how he treated her and how he's been treating her... i realized i no longer recognized who he is.

what happened to the guy my heart literally ached for 7 years ago?
___________________

i was also thinkin today...

u know how song writers get inspired to write songs? inspiration to string words melodiously from digging into their deepest emotions? emotions expressed in writing as a beautiful cry to the world about how significant the other person is to them?

instead of wondering how it feel to be that inspired, i truly wonder how it feels to be the source of such beautiful inspiration...

.my reality tv.

today, i witnessed a man proposing to his girlfriend in the jewellery shop i work in. she said yes. we popped a champaigne and they toasted. then 3 happy sales girls finished the bottle after work, and i criss-crossed my way home.

anyway, just a random thought i had on the bus; if i had a reality tv show about my life, it'd be called "... so where did it go wrong?" - and of course, the focus would be on my love life... over the years. perhaps even dating back to 13 years ago, where it all began.

the first few years, maybe 4 years will be fast forwarded of course... then we'll try to dissect things and dig deep into the deep end. maybe then we'll (or i'll) be able to see what the true problem is.

*ahem* - this doesnt mean there's definitely a problem though. :)

oh wow. a whole new level of self-absorbness. :) cheers! xx


_______Update: _______________________________
by the way, i've found a theme song for my tv show. :) it'll be played at the end of each episode, when we break up. (we, being the guy i'd be dating in that episode) it'll be ryan cabrera's "i will remember"... i think thats highly appropriate.



lol i know im being lame.

sheena said maybe at the end of each episode, i should highlight a "lesson learnt". but then i realised, i havent really learnt much from each. if anything, i've only become more skeptical; which also means less happy.

remember the times when we were still naive and hopeful? sigh. now all that innocence have been replaced by skepticism and the inability to trust. where's the joy in that? sigh.

YEP. MAKE MY SHOW!

.tagged; 15 facts about moi.

.tagged by wynna.

State 15 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself. The 10 people i tag are to then follow my footsteps and write their own 15 weird things, habits and little known facts.

x1. i have a thing about sharing saliva.

those who knows me well would know this. i dont share food or drinks after someone has saliva-ed it. i dont use sauces that others have double dipped in. not even my family's. *terrible i know* but boyfriends are exceptions. and at times, when im intoxicated. :)

x2. i dont eat my vegetables.
i know im 23 and not 8 anymore. but i dont like em. the juices taste ewwie. but like the above, there are exceptions. i dont mind broccoli. :) and yes, i eat fruits.

x3. i get really annoyed by sneezing.
not only when someone sneeze around me (cuz i also hate people's breath in my personal space) but i also get annoyed when i sneeze more than once in a row. maybe its because it makes me feel out of control, and being out-of-control annoys me. :)

x4. i get very emotional when i talk about my dad.
its weird, but regardless of whether its happy or sad talks, i tear up when i think or talk of my dad. i just miss him alot, i guess.

x5. i have a thing for indian guys.
yes, i am aware i am an oriental asian girl, but i can't help feeling attracted to indian men. not sure if its their sharp facial features or because i like my guys hairy. hahaa TMI, sorry.

x6. i got my first love letter when i was 10.
and he was the cutest guy in class. :) but i accidentally left it in my school uniform and put it to wash, and it was completely gone. :(

x7. once, i watched dirty dancing about 10 times (if not more) in that one week.
i borrowed the dvd at blockbuster and had one week before it was due. i liked it so much and wanted to make sure i watched it enough before i returned it. so i did. (or overdid it) - i then bought the dvd. lol

x8. my wardrobe is really plain.
most of my clothes arent those that follows the latest trend. they're usually simple. thats why you'd probably catch me wearing the same clothes i wore a year or 2 ago.

x9. i almost drowned as a kid.
i think i was 2 when i feel into a swimming pool. thankfully my brother saw me and yelled out for help. an aunt ran over and pulled me out just in time. probably the reason why i dont like being underwater much.

x10. i overdose myself with things i like, making me dislike it really quickly.
i dont know how to explain it. but i do it all the time. with food, snacks, movies, guys. when i like it, i keep eating it, or watching it, or surround myself with it (or him) all the time, until i just get sick of it. bad, i know. but i really likeD it.

x11. i love food really sweet or really salty.
my instant noodles have less soup becuz of that. i overuse lee kum kee becuz i love flavour and saltiness. i love white choc cuz its sweeter. i put too much sugar in my tea, but i love it. :)

x12. my mind is constantly in the gutter.
u'd probably know that. although of coursee they'd be days where i'd have other things on my mind. :)

x13. i was first runner up in shot-put when i was 10.
i was skinny as hell back then, and was selected to represent my primary school's "yellow house", and got 2nd place. :) woohoo! everyone was shocked. i was awesome. lol.

x14. i sang in a band called "the anonymous" when i was 15.
lol nothing big. we just entered lots of singing competitions and etc. the first song we performed was "kiss me" by sixpence non the richer. derek was in the band too. lol

x15. i love thrill rides.
yea, im a dare-devil in that sense. im unfazed by the rides in dreamworld. of course i'd be panicky, but i'd still go for it. :) maybe i shud take trips to the US and try out the stuffs they've got there. i heard they're nuts!

People I tag:-
1. derekus
2. ivan
3. james
4. mike
5. leon

yep, like wynna, im only gonna tag 5. besides, those that i've tagged, they probably wont even do it. hahaa... so yea. there u go. tag job done.

***

on a different note, i went to bed listening to iron and wine last night. yes, phoon intro-ed me to him. and yes, the songs do bring back memories.



hmm. why now.

.till death do us part.

was watching trista and ryan's $4m wedding earlier. the officiant, reverend clint hufft said a few things that really tugged at my heart strings. it was then i realized the beauty of wedding readings.

i liked how the reverand reminded them that despite joining together and becoming one entity, they're still two individuals; and they can grow together and individually. :)

u know, with the amount of hope and love that is embedded in those words that are exchanged and spoken at the ceremony, its a wonder how people can get divorced. when that happens, really... where does the love go? :(

like i told leon, marriage suddenly feels so out of reach for me. and i mean a truly long lasting, committed and love-filled marriage. as much as i want someone to love and hold for better or for worse, its painful to say im afraid i do not have that to give in return.

not now anyway. maybe things would change when i meet the right one. *fingers crossed*

and *awww* the reality tv show couple are still together 3 years later, with a child and another baby due soon! i knew the love i saw in their eyes at their wedding is true! :) i hope it keeps burning too...

" I love you, not only for what you are,
But, for what I am when I am with you.
I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself,
But for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out. "

.EX-pectations.

my gurl friend, sheena turned 22 today!! [note the space between the word gf; i dun wanna offend wynna] we went to fat louie in the city, right before midnight and had a couple of drinks. it was a small group, but enough to create big laughs. thanks to the alchie.

today is also daddy's birthday! so happy birthday daddy!!! :) *sobs* i miss dad. :( ok, lets change the subject before i tear up. sigh. wish i was home...

***

ANYWAY,
on a random note, i realized another thing about myself today...

i can have pretty weird expectations, and yes, i'm thinkin about something specific. ex boyfriends related. i realized how, despite breaking up, i kinda expect my ex boyfriends to be great guys. lol yes, im serious!

its like... i kinda expect that months or years down the track, i can meet them again or hear stories about them about great or nice things they've done or said or accomplished. im not sure if the satisfaction is for them or for me. maybe i just enjoy the feeling of telling people - "yea, that great guy... i dated him once." - a reflection of my good taste perhaps?

then again, i guess some may say, "that great guy that sherlene lost." - BUT, nah... thats silly. after all, there are many guys out there who'd do and accomplish nice/great things. i cant have them all now can i? :) HENCE, the way i see it... realistically, i should be proud enough just knowing i was the object of that great person's affection once. :) i'm a real nutter, huh?

and hey, it doesnt necessarily have to be something life changingly awesome, it could just be something nice. like, this one time i remember sheena mentioning -

• she was out having dinner with friends one night when she met both her and my ex boyfriend with their friends. when she told me that they left the restaurant earlier, i instantly asked, "did jason say hi?" - expecting my ex boyfriend to have the courtesy to do so despite us already broken up...

hehehee... i know. u probably think its too much, rite? seee... i told u... weird expectations!

but, in case you're wondering, yes. he did go over and said hello. and i thought that was very sweet. :) that said, congratulations on your recent accomplishment, jason! :)

p.s. i watched "laws of attraction" today. quite liked it. but it puzzled me... dont american lawyers see a conflict of interest when a husband and wife act as attorneys for opposing parties in a case? *too lazy to research*

.hey, can't complain.

finally, a blog layout i can smile at. talk about smiling, did u guys see the smiling moon and matching stars in the sky tonite? u dont get to see something that pretty too often...

another reason to smile: united bagged 3 points last nite. the cherry on the cake however is when chelsea failed to get any points against arsenal. yep, we're coming back up baby!

cookie dough, dough pronounced as "daw" rather than "dow"... another one of sheena's 'intentional' mispronunciation. today selina went into baskin and accidentally ordered it [out loud] with the "daw" and totally embarrassed herself. she also cracked herself up. sheena and i watched her as she whole-heartedly laughed again. that was another reason to smile today.

me ending my nite after a long and nice heart warming chat with carlo; i can't not smile to that fact. :) its been almost 10 years since our imfamous "huNnie buNnie" years. the time when mIrc was the ultimate chatting program, when everyone had a cyberlover, and carlo would leave quit messages that say...

"i luv you FUNkie, but not too much cuz i still wanna luv you more."

tonite, my playlist said my song is: "you can run, you can hide, but you can't escape my love" - escape by enrique iglesias. i wonder who. [lol @ my superstitiousness]