March 31, 2007

.my sidewalk song & its video response!.

Thats Me on YouTube again.

*wooo hooo!!*

D!! you're awesomee!!!
Cant believe u did this!

You're a great sport!
haHaa *woo hoOo*

March 29, 2007

.3 in 1 dream.

I forced myself out of bed to type this entry,
because I had just awaken from a weird dream.
Some parts of it are still so clear in my mind...
Parts that are rather disturbing.

I dreamt that it was a few days before Groovy was suppose to leave.
I was planning a reunion party for my All Saints bunch.
It was to be held in an odd looking field,
which in my dream belonged to Tshung Tsin.

I dreamt Selina drove me there in a MANUAL car.
(she cant even maneuver an auto)
We drove through a small winding side-of-mountian-like road.
She parked us in front of a pizza joint.
Derek, Ivan, Aaron Prabha, Chang, Jonny Roy and Carlos were there.
I was very excited to see them.
Jonny Roy tried to be funny with my car.
I glared at him,
and he put his hands behind his back and tried to act like nothing happened.
I remember asking Derek to help me call Groovy on his mobile.
G's phone was switched off.
Derek looked at me sympathetically.
I sighed.

opened my eyes briefly and checked the time*

When I closed my eyes,
I felt my dream resumed.
Suddenly my dream jumped into a really odd place.
I dreamt I was diagnosed with stomach cancer.
I cried like crazy.

Groovy came to comfort me.
I cried in his arms.
I also remember sitting on his lap as he held me.
He then told me that he was leaving the next day.
I cried even more.

Then he sent me to the reunion again.
I remembered the same exact small winding up-mountian road.
Me and Selina was in the car, going together.
When I got off the car,
I gave him a peck on his lips and said I'll see him later.
I kept calling him after that,
But my calls couldn't get through.

*briefly wakes up - then closed my eyes again*

Back in my dream, I was walking aimlessly.
It was then I received a call from Groovy.
He told me he was at the airport about to leave.
He was with Sharon. (His ex)
I was stunned becuz he was leaving already,
and I wasn't at the airport to see him off.
I got mad and shouted at him.
He kept saying its not a big deal.
I got even more pissed.

Then, in the middle of sobs,
I tried to the recall the last time I saw him.
I felt hopeless becuz I couldn't..
I was so depressed becuz I didn't get to say Goodbye face to face.
And he was gone.

*I wake up*

March 28, 2007

.untiring love: something i can/cannot give?.

I've been wanting to update my blog for quite some time now.
But I can never find the time!!
And when I finally do update it,
I forget everything I've thought of writing about.

This update is gonna be a rush,
becuz I dont really have the time.

But becuz of an email I got from my dad,
I had to come here and post this:

Untiring Love

This is a true story that happened in Japan.

In order to renovate the house,
someone in Japan tore open the wall.
Japanese houses normally have a hollow
space between the wooden walls.
When tearing down the walls, he found that there was a lizard stuck there
because a nail from outside was hammered into one of its feet.
He saw this, felt pity, and at the same
time he was curious.
When he checked the nail, turns out,
it was nailed 10 years ago when the house was first built.

What happened?

The lizard had survived in such a position for 10 years!
In a dark wall partition for 10 years without moving,
it is impossible and mind boggling.
Then he wondered how this lizard survived for 10 years without moving a single step
--since its foot was nailed!

So he stopped his work and observed the lizard,
what it had been doing, and what and how it has been eating.
Later, not knowing from where it came,
appeared another lizard, with food in its mouth.

Ahh! He was stunned and at the same time, touched deeply.
Another lizard had been feeding the stuck one for the past 10 years...

Such love, such a beautiful love!
Such love happened with this tiny creature...

What can love do?
It can do wonders!
Love can do miracles!
Just think about it; one lizard had been feeding the other one
untiringly for 10 long years, without giving up hope on its partner.

If a small creature like a lizard can love like this...
just imagine how we can love if we try.

March 19, 2007

.which song is right?.

Man Utd won 4-1 last nite!
The AMAZING and totally fabulous Ronaldo assisted 3 of them.
I was a proud fan!
He played soOoooo well...!
His every touch made my heart skip a beat, (seriously)
cuz he was simply marvelous to watch!
He's so talented and Im so hooked on him...!!
*awwwwwwwwwwwwww!!* haHaa..
That goal him and Rooney scored together..
whOaa... Pure Genius.

Ive been hooked on 2 songs lately.
2 songs that has been playing with my mind these few days.
Odd enough,
I think both songs contradicts each other.

Akon's "Don't Matter"...
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Cause we gon' fight
Oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
We gon' fight
Fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
Cause I got you

** Clearly the song shows one side of a coin,
while this next song shows the other.

Paula DeAnda's "Walk Away"...
i guess i gotta live my life from day to day
hoping maybe you'll come back
and though i tell myself not to be afraid to move on
but it seems i cant
no other man has given me attention
it aint the same as your affection
though i know i should be content
in the back of my mind i cant help but question
does he kiss me on the forehead (before we play)
show on my doorstep (with a bouquet)
does he call me in the middle of the day (just to say)
baby i love you (like you used too)

i cant explain this feeling
i think about it everyday
and even though we've moved on
it gets so hard to walk away
(I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me)
walk away, walk away
(I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me)
walk away
(i cant forget it how we use to be)

Don't know what I wanna do.

March 17, 2007

.chores chores chores.

So... my days have been better.
(Thanks D! for the sweet sms! *hugs*)

Currently, (and this is all Im gonna focus on)
Im stuck in a pool of undone chores.
Here's the list:
(and most of the following is due to be done by early next week)

** Plan the MYSA BBQ games/activities.

*** Get my legal reseach outline done by Monday.
(cuz thats when its due - n currently I dont really have anything)

* Vacuum and clean my room.

* Wash and iron my work clothes.

* Go through my work stuff to make sure I know what Im suppose to do.
(cuz from next week on, I wont have a mentor with me anymore.)

** Do the MCQ for ColesMyer's employees. (and pass the test!)

Days could be worse...
So hey, Im gonna be thankful I can still smile.
Cuz at the end of the day,
Thats all I need to make my day a better one.

& I miss Groovy. heHheee...
I miss him everydaaay...
*longing sigh*

March 15, 2007

.tryin to stay sane... tryin to stay sane.

Have u ever had a very close friend whom u can never imagine losing?

Has a day ever came between u and him/her,
When he/she reveals to you and all this while,
He/She has been going through hell having to put up with u??

And when that day happens,
Aside from the normal "shock" feeling you may feel,
and the natural reaction of self-reflecting,
... and also naturally feeling self-concious about every single thing u do from that point,
Do you sit back and think, "Am I turning into a bad person?"?

Have u ever had that feeling?
That you could be turning into a bad person??
A person people do not like,
A person people get sick of,
A person people disapprove of,
A person people think is rubbish and a hassle,
A person people think doesn't deserve their time?

Am I that hard to live with?

March 14, 2007

.my final list.

Remember my so-called unedited list?


  • Well...
    Here's the edited one.

    and take note of these:


    # 1 - Chinese.
    # 2 - Malaysian.
    #3 - Dad and Mum likes him.
    #4 - Not Sherman or Selina's friend.
    #5 - Selina likes him and thinks he'd make a good husband.
    #6 - Good occupation / career prospect.
    #7 - Not 11 years older than me.
    # 8 - Would be able to convince everyone else that Im happy with him.
    #9 - Everyone thinks he's the right one for me.
    #10 - Wouldn't mind if he likes me, but I don't need to like him in return.

    No joke.
    At least with this list,
    everyone is happy.

    So what that my wants/needs arent taken into consideration.
    After all,
    All I get myself into is one "WRONG" relationship after the other.

    So since the people I mentioned above loves me so much,
    and they refuse to see me hurt myself because of anymore "WRONG" relationships,
    (To the point that they get so frustrated and sick of me)
    I'm guessing this would be best for everyone.

    Cuz... You know...
    Who cares if 'everyone' doesn't include me.
    At least 'everyone' is happy,
    and I wouldn't have to step on anyone's toes again.

    Trust me,
    There's no sarcasm.
    You're totally imagining it.

    March 9, 2007

    .trying not to get hooked on YouTube.

    Today has been better.
    Spoke to G a couple of time since he left.
    He's been calling me 2-3 times a day,
    which I very much appreciate.

    I wonder if he'd keep doing it,
    and I wonder when I'd wish he'd stop.

    When you know you're dealing with someone who's alot like yourself,
    You tend to not HOPE too much.

    But anyway,
    I still give both me and him an A+ for effort.

    I've been kept busy by YouTube since yesterday.
    Came across many talented singers,
    Some unsigned.
    Loved how they can just play the guitar and sing their songs.

    I got 2 new subcribers on my YouTube!
    So thats pretty sweet.

    I'm also falling in love with this dude.
    His name is David Choi.
    I think he just got signed.
    Check him out:

    And check this one out too!
    He actually wrote a whole song about falling for a girl that was digging her nose in the opposite car!
    SUPRISINGLY, its a great song!
    So yea, for good music and a good laugh,
    Here it is!
    Go wild!

    March 7, 2007

    .still missing.

    Was fishing through the pics on my mobile.
    Picked this one out.
    Taken a couple of days before G left.

    .why do i even bother anymore?.

    Im sick.
    My nose is killing me.
    I'm about to sneeze my nose off.
    Im sick and trying not to fall into a pool of self-pity.
    Cuz I know how destructive that can be.

    With that thought,
    I had another thought.

    Why do I even bother feeling this low?

    Its not like I've not kissed boyfriends goodbye at airports,
    and never see them again, rite?

    Technically, I should be immune to this scenario.

    You see,
    I fall for someone...
    Then we spend months of crazy times together,
    Build a bunch of tear-jerking memories,
    I get convinced that I am in love,
    (or at least I am at certain points)
    And then suddenly I am told that we need to separate.
    Then comes the best part.

    We get to the airport,
    We hug,
    We walk separate ways,
    and I never see them again.

    I'm only 22,
    and that exact scenario has occurred... 4 times now.
    Not one, Not two, Not three,
    But FOUR!

    Aside from the time with Shafeeq,
    where we had to part becuz I was furthering my studies,
    The other 3 times happened unexpectedly.

    But expected or not,
    It still hurts.
    And I've cried my way through them all.
    At least I did with the other 3...

    This time around,
    I only cried twice.
    2 pieces of tissue.
    Thats HUGE improvement.

    Then again,
    It's only the 2nd day.

    Lets see how determind I can be.
    (or more like, how immune i actually am)

    March 6, 2007

    So he called.
    At 4am.
    I was already sleeping.
    I couldn't get up.
    All I managed to ask was,
    "How was your flight?"

    Actually, I think I said more than that.
    I just don't remember.
    That happens alot when I talk to people half-asleep.

    I only used one tissue last nite.
    Thats good.
    I told myself,
    As soon as that tissue doesn't soak up my tears anymore,

    Im fine.
    At least I know I will be.

    .6-8 hours to KL rite?.

    He flew at 2pm.
    Thats almost 12 hours since.

    He hasn't called.


    He's probably settling in.
    Goin crazy with his brothers.
    Having lots of fun.
    Eating lots of roti canai.

    ... which is great.
    Thats good, rite?
    I'd be reli happy for him.
    He shouldn't be thinking of me.
    Why would he be rite?

    ... haHaa...
    yeaa... hahaa...

    .so... what now?.

    It was 2pm...
    Groovy board his plane back to Malaysia.

    Since that moment...
    I havent shed a tear.
    Plenty of close calls tho...
    Like when Selina asked if I was ok,
    and when Shaz called out of the blue, to check up on me.
    I should stop writing.
    I don't think my tears enjoy being provoked.
    I shall go to bed.
    Yea, that'll help.

    March 3, 2007

    .my unedited list.

    Last week or so,
    Groovy and I had a conversation about relationships.
    Groovy reckons that it wouldn't be a bad idea if I made a list of the type of guy I wish to find.
    He then suggests that the list should be edited,
    and categorised into "My Needs" and "My Wants".

    Well... here's the unedited list.
    Don't hold anything against me alrite?
    This is just the rough draft,
    and I chose to include everything I currently feel.
    I promise that after editing,
    There'll be WAYYY less.

    *fingers crossed*

    1. Loves music.
    2. Love Manchester United.
    3. Plays the guitar OR piano.
    4. Sings.
    5. Loves dancing with me. (specifically, dirty dancing)
    6. Taller than me. (Im 160cm - at least 5 cm taller would be great)
    7. Able to carry me when I'm sick, drunk, or lazy. (VERY roughly, I'm over 50kgs)
    8. Isn't as thin as bones.
    9. Loves socialising.
    10. A leader in his pack.
    11. Strong and opinionated.
    12. Smart and sophisticated.
    13. Able to communicate effectively with me in ENGLISH.
    14. Doesn't mind hanging with my friends.
    15. Makes an effort to make my friends and family like him.
    16. Pleasant, even if he has to fake it.
    17. Able to lead me when I need guidance.
    18. Lets me be independent when I want to be.
    19. Trust me in things that I do.
    20. Listens when I talk.
    21. Worthy of my trust in return.
    22. Someone I can feel proud of.
    23. Cares about his personal appearance (his hair, dressing, and etc).
    24. Has manners.
    25. Career oriented.
    26. Loves his and my family, and looks forward to have one of his own.
    27. Reliable.
    28. Opens himself to me.
    29. Accepting of my past relationships and ways.
    30. Does not hold my past against me.
    31. Cares about me without having to show obvious jealousy.
    32. Mature in handling sticky situations.
    33. Drinks but do not fancy getting drunk.
    34. Lets me go out with my own friends.
    35. Takes genuine interest in my life and undertakings.
    36. Supportive of my decisions.
    37. Wouldn't mind watching romantic chick flicks with me.
    38. Loves taking me around to explore new things.
    39. An awesome lover.
    40. Respects my need for personal space.
    41. Has his own gang of friends.
    42. Knows how to deal with me when I'm mad, frustrated, annoyed or simply not in the mood.
    43. Pushes me to do things that he knows I wanna do.
    44. Write me songs.
    45. Love taking road trips with me.
    46. Isn't someone who is afraid to get some dirt on his hands.
    47. Has soft after-washed hair.
    48. Isn't a possessive maniac.
    49. Confident but not arrogant or a constant smart ass.
    50. Horny.
    51. Cleans up after himself.
    52. Doesn't pee out of the bowl.
    53. Does not uses sarcasm to offend people.
    54. Funny, but not stupid.
    55. Able to update me on current affairs and latest news.
    56. Has a good body, and does work to keep himself in good shape.
    57. Doesn't mind my extra flesh.
    58. Compliments and motivates me.
    59. Preferably, he should not know too much of my past.
    (not that it's THAT bad)
    60. Loves taking my photo, and doesn't mind me taking his'.
    61. Does small things to make me smile and warm my heart.
    62. Doesn't try to hard to be perfect.
    63. Doesn't expect me to think he's perfect.
    64. Able to be grateful to have me, instead of thinking he's too good.
    65. Likes to cuddle and sleep in when we can.
    66. Wear boxers or boer briefs.
    67. Doesn't smoke.
    68. Be a guy who I can trust to be the father of my child.
    69. Tries to be a good dad and husband.
    70. Respectful to his friends, my friends and people in general.
    71. Appears (at suitable situations) as a gentleman.
    72. Dedicates me songs because of their lyrics.
    73. Doesn't have a job that requires him to work 7 days a week, day to night.
    74. Allows me to have close male friends.
    75. Does housework because he knows he should, not by force.
    76. Cooks.
    77. Believes in gender equality, but still does more because he knows he's a man.
    78. Allows me to live in lala-land from time to time.
    79. Pampers me when I need pampering.
    80. Lets me shop, without saying too much to irritate me.
    81. Buys me fruits, because I don't eat vege.
    82. Drives, but does not necessarily need to own a car. At least not now.
    83. Is as serious in his studies as I am.
    84. Tries to keep a tidy room, car or house.
    85. Has experience in many things.
    86. Able to be my teacher and friend, both at the same time.
    87. Does not act like he knows everything about me.
    88. Talks to me when something is bothering him.
    89. People likes him.
    90. Patient.
    91. Has his own religion and beliefs.
    92. Wants 2 kids, and allows me to name them.
    93. Let me be boss sometimes.
    94. Takes me out to hang with his friends.
    95. Doesn't mind public display of affection (PDA).
    96. Kisses me everytime we meet or part.
    97. Loves holding my hands.
    98. Doesn't overthink things and turn into a girl!
    99. Plays pool, and looks hot doing it.
    100. Sees me for my good traits, and be understanding with my bad.

    March 2, 2007

    .exactly how i've been feelin': numb.

    I watched this movie yesterday.
    Its called "Before Sunset".
    Its a sequel from a version 9 years older called "Before Sunrise".

    I didnt watch the first one,
    But the 2nd one touched me in many ways.

    To many people,
    This movie may have been boring.
    Because it is just 77 minutes of on-going dialogue,
    taking place on one afternoon in Paris,
    between 2 people who were "connected" 9 years ago,
    who shared a day together which changed their lives,
    and suddenly meeting each other again after so long.

    One particular part of the movie really got to me.
    Becuz honestly... This is what I feel!
    She's pin-pointing my life!!! *sobs*

    And if u check out from the first second to 2:20 of this next clip,I can say,
    It honestly felt like she took the words right outta my mouth.
    And all I can think of now is:

    "Now I know what to tell Mahfuz if I ever see him again"

    If you've been following my blog from before,
    (when I use to ramble on and on about my unresolved past with Mahfuz)
    Im sure u'd know what I mean.
    This sucks.