.random; so random - sorry!.

i miss ELN so much when i reread one of his very first sms to me saying, "take care of yourself because you're a little bit of mine now too."

...

i miss him scolding me for not replacing the roll of toilet tissue paper after using up the last one.

:D

.if given the choice...

was chatting with daddy about ELN today and it made me realize one thing...

despite wanting sooo much to travel to france to see him again, if given the choice, i might say no.

reason being-

if i do get to go there, even for month to see him... what then? we pick things up from where we left off, then... what? - i leave again. and once again, we're back to "i dont know when i'll ever see him again"... which will also put us back to square one in terms of trying to be okay without each other.

sigh.

i dont need more reasons to feel that this guy is perfect for me. :(

okay. time to refocus.

CAREER.

a great one too.

yes.

thats where i'm heading.

*exhale*

.recommended.

i watched "the time traveler's wife" today with selina... and it broke my heart.

i miss erwann so much.

.think of me.

officially ONE MONTH since he left.

i think i've found a song that is now the official song for my thoughts when i think of him... its david archuleta's version of "think of me" - made famous by the movie phantom of the opera.

listening to it makes my knees buckle, eyes water and have a heavy 'something' weighing upon my heart.

i read an article recently about losing someone you love. she wrote, "i wasn't afraid to cry every day. i wasn't going to pretend everything was okay because it wasn't, because i knew someday reality will catch up with me." - reading that got me worried...

because all this time, i havent been too upfront with myself. i havent allowed the tears to come as freely as i probably should... and now i'm left wondering what will become of me when it finally does.

you'll probably read about it soon enough. my apologies in advance. but till then -

Think of me, think of me fondly

when we've said goodbye

Remember me once in a while

please promise me you'll try

When you find that, once again, you long

to take your heart back and be free

if you ever find a moment

spare a thought for me

We never said our love was evergreen

or as unchanging as the sea

but if you can still remember

stop and think of me

Think of all the things

we've shared and seen

don't think about the things

which might have been

Think of me, think of me waking,

silent and resigned.

Imagine me, trying too hard

to put you from my mind.

Recall those days

look back on all those times,

think of the things we'll never do

there will never be a day,

when I won't think of you

Flowers fades,

The fruits of summer fade,

They have decisions, so do we

but please promise me, that sometimes

you will think of me...

Think of Me - David Archuleta

.a song for right now.

i was telling julia tonight how i havent really broke down and cry since he left. we then concluded, there shall come a day when the floodgates will be opened and everything would come crashing down.

yippee. imagine my joy and anticipation...

then i heard this old delta goodrem song on my mp3. i only just updated my song list and had chucked a dozen of older songs in there. this was one of them...

... definitely not a good idea. 2 words. breaking point.

***

if it's okay

i'll leave the bed light on,

and place your water glass where it belongs;

and if it's alright

i'll lie awake at night,

pretending i am curled up at your side...

see i'm circling in these patterns

living out of memories;

i'm still a long way from accepting it

that there's just no you and me...

but if i still believe you love me,

maybe i'll survive;

so i tell myself you're coming home,

like you've done a million times;

and if it's alright,

i'll still be loving you...

'cause i can't break it to my heart...

***

.3 minute random day dream.

was listening to anberlin's "inevitable" ...and ended up imagining a conversation taking place between a guy and a girl who has always longed for one another, and are finally given a chance to sit together at a quiet spot at a park somewhere, after their first 'real' date...

Inevitable - Anberlin

***

girl smiles at guy... looking away slightly, anticipating the next course of events that might take place between them...

slowly their heads tilt towards each other, although still not directly face to face.

guy, whispers knowingly to girl, "kiss me only when you're ready..."

girl, in a small voice, asked, "ready... for what?" - turning to look up at guy, again just slightly.

guy looks into girl's eyes, "ready to give me your last first kiss..."

***

purely fictional, mind you.

most people don't do cheesy anymore.

***

p.s. happy supposedly 9th month anniversary my dear ELN...

.day 5: post 4th october.

sorry for the melodramatic-ness... just sorta keeping a diary of my progress here. if you don't mind. its therapeutic. :)

just noting that i have been fine. its sunday already. that makes it a week since he's left my side. feels like eternity. i'm not lonely, but i just feel incomplete without him. BUT i have been fine. the strength to hang on and continue being fine is still strong...

although, as you would've noticed... the title of the post highlights "day 5"...

because on the night of day 5, i crashed... a little.

it was unexpected, because i thought i had my basis covered. i've blocked out the things i shouldn't be thinking about, but somehow one innocent thought killed me. it was weird.

i was under my quilt, snuggling up, when i thought to myself "my new quilt is awesome. so fluffy. so comfortable. awesome buy!" - thats when i recalled how him and i had bought it together 2 weeks before he left, becuz i needed a bigger quilt for my new double bed... and how he's kept the little sample piece of the quilt with him, like a little pillow.

those thoughts then led to me, recalling all the times we went shopping together. laughed together. embarrassed one another. annoyed the crap outta each other. - and with those sweet but poisonous thoughts, i fell apart.

i just missed him so much. so so much. so much, i couldn't hold back the tears.

BUT... i'm okay now. its a new day. :)

TODAY, i bought a new pair of stilettos for $50! love it!! wore it to mouzam's engagement party. which reminds me, HAPPY ENGAGEMENT BUDDY!!!! you looked soOOo cuteee!!! - photos shall be uploaded soon!

oxxxox

.after math.

its been 2 days since he left... so i guess its about time to ask the question:

"how is sherlene?"

truth is, i haven't found the nerve to ask, because right now, sherlene is marching on. strong. she hasn't been crying (too much) and she hasn't been spreading negative chi around the people around her (not that she knows of anyway)...

because she's made a deal with herself - even if it means being in denial for a while - that she's not going to allow herself to -

• get sucked into the whole "i just lost my boyfriend" emotional drama;
• take sympathy on herself;
• think that she's lost the love of her life;
• cry every single night;
• show up at work looking unprofessional;
• use this as another reason not to progress in life, especially career wise;
• become all down and negative and hard to be around;
• think being single again sucks;
• lose the positive energy he has planted in her, because he truly has changed the way she thinks and feel about... life.

:)

he's my inspiration - and right now, the most important person (family aside) in my life. before he left, he restored something in me that i haven't been able to believe in for a while now; he gave me the greatest and most unconditional gift...

... the gift of love.

and with that, i shall not allow myself to fall apart.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" - Moulin Rouge

.mooncake festival.3/10/09.

.airport.4/10/09.

xox

.13 hours till...

my roller coaster sunday is here.

i have 13 hours more to hang on tight to the happiness i found 8.5 months ago.

... and yep.

the heart is definitely breaking.

.5 days till...

yeap.

sunday is the day.

ok ok.

keeping things slightly positive,

i've got a job interview on friday.

a legal job.

we'll see what happens.

fingers crossed.

***

by the waaay... i had this blonde moment a week ago - [while working...]

me: yes, we have baby bracelets. *notices the customer pregnant* - so its for your baby?
customer: yes it is.

me: first child?

customer: i'm having 2 girls.

me: at the same time?

customer: *looks at her mother, smiling, then repeating...* she asked if i was having my babies at the same time...

... of course, i realized the silliness of my question almost instantly, so we ended up laughing about it. *ahem*

gosh... imagine me in a court room cross examining. what a joke. lol.

.the count down begins: 13 days.

13 more days before he leaves. thats less than 2 weeks. im hopelessly standing here as my heart breaking moment approaches at full force, with no mercy.

he bid his housemates of 6 months farewell tonight. tears were exchanged, even from me. watching others say their teary goodbyes was enough to hammer me to the ground. it definitely shook my confidence in terms of my own strength to stand up when i watch him walk out of my life.

can it really be next sunday? really? i mean, already?! bloody hell its too soon. :( we've still got things on our list of to-dos. im crumbling. i am.

... and this is what i've assigned julia to do. to slap me out of these type of fogs.

*sigh*

on a funnier note, him and i were talking about how we both thought we would've broken up before this day came; but obviously it didn't happen. now we're both left thinking, "if only we did, we wouldn't be in the crapper right now."

thats funny, right? :)

ok, maybe not.

.the clock is ticking.

its been a while since my last post; somehow pressuring me to make this a quality post. heh.. :) tough luck.

ANYWAY... i haven't change since. still the same ol' lass who gets sucked into drama here and around.

the boyfriend is leaving in less than a month back to France. everyone i've spoken to (mostly sales assistants when im in the shop shopping for my guy) has asked me the same question, "so, are you going?" - yea. like its that simple, huh?

sigh. there's so much i wanna say/type/blog about; but i don't know where to start.

although one thing i do know is i'm trying so hard to convince myself that i will be okay when he leaves. im sure you know how it feels to feel tough one day, and ever so fragile the next. hmm...

i guess if its any consolation, its not the first time i've had to say goodbye to a boyfriend at the airport. its not the first time i had pick myself up from crumbling. its not the first time i had to feed myself with lies that "we'll see each other again"... (cuz i've honestly not seen any of the 3 guys i've sent off, even when they're just in Malaysia... let alone France!)

ANYWAY... i know people say this all the time, but i somehow feel different this time. i dont know if its because my biological clock is ticking; but i can honestly say, this time... i kinda feel like... i'm sending off a guy that i can actually see myself spending the rest of my life with... :(

... and this is when the fragile side of me takes over.

.our seventh month.

2nd cervical cancer vaccination today. i have to say, ouch! despite loving the needle/injection sensation (as always), this one quite surprised me. i felt the needle through and through, and felt the ache (like a post-first-time-playing-badminton muscle ache) seeping into every corner of my upper arm...

good thing i had my support system. the boyfriend. :) he made it! was by my side the whole time, looking more worried than i was. so schweet. :)

also, its our 7th month anniversary. whoa. 7 months! :) we had our ups and downs; moments we wanted to kill each other; moments we wanted to bitch a hundred years about each other's annoying habits and antics... but regardless, viola! at the end of the day, we're here. AND HAPPY. :) :) making up is awesome. - and not forgetting, he bought me another awesome gift! [pictures might be posted later]

this saturday, im attending his work's BBQ. apparently we'll be playing a game of touch football. yep, you didn't read wrong. ME. TOUCH. FOOTBALL. *laughs nervously* Will definitely keep u posted!

ps: Sheensie is graduating tomorrow!! CONGRATZ!!!! xxoxoxx

.the heart weeps; its been a whole day.

attended a black and white awards night on tuesday. it was a work thing. my store went as the phantom of the opera, hence the mask. was a pretty cool night. i came in top #5 in watch sales twice, which was unexpected. yay! i can sell! (at least im good at something.)

anyway, sheenie boo's parents will be arriving here on friday night. looking forward to be around family again (close enough anyway) - and especially with adults!

cervical cancer vaccination due soon... might go on monday. im guessing, alone, this time.

and yes, i'm still unhappy; although it seems like i'm the only one. it got me thinking, alot. thats never a good thing. (... and yes yes, its obviously boyfriend trouble.) but anyway, i'm gonna stay calm for now. upset, but calm. however that works.

work tomorrow. full day. ciao!

.the first moment.

was on the phone with a friend today. he was one of the few people who had witnessed the first few moments between my baby and i when we first met...

he mentioned it to me today, saying:

"i won't forget that night. how you saw him and just fell into his arms. it was love at first sight."

[okay, he didn't say that specifically. i sugar coated the middle bit, but he did call it 'love at first sight'... which is essentially the point.]

... my response:

"awww... *as usual* its not lovvveeee.... we don't do loveee..."

but really, we agreed that we won't. no love business. there u go.

still, i thought it was sweet that a friend remembered one of me and my baby's very first moment... :)

[ignoring the fact that i was actually piss drunk *more so than ever!* and could barely stand on my own two feet (among many other things), and till now have no recollection or actual memory of the event/events of that night. sigh. im a lost cause. but in my defence, it was my birthday celebration!]

mind you, despite all the above, i do acknowledge that the events of that night was kinda bitter sweet. [out of respect, i shouldn't just shove that fact aside; but at the same time, i shall not dive into all that again.]

.say i'm a bird! [from the notebook].

watched the notebook with my darling tonight...

if you've watched it, you'll remember the "say i'm a bird!!" part? :)

well, after the movie, i hugged my sweetheart and said to him, "say i'm a bird..."

he laughed. "you can't use the same one babe."

"okay, say i'm a snail!" i chirped. [i dont know why a snail... it was the first thing that popped to mind]

... "if you're a snail, i'm a snail."

:) c'mon everybody! *awww in unison!*

... and then he said, "baby... whats a snail?"

-_-"

*it was later worked out that he didn't get my pronounciation, rather than not understand the word. haha afterall, frogs, snails... isn't that what french people live to eat? haHa!

.my FB status cherry popped!.

i've been a facebook user for quite some time now... and have actually not displayed a real relationship status before. the closest was when i was in a "r'ship" with sheena bobina ;)

now look!! :) my first!! weeeHheeeee!!!

aaaand another great news! [if its not already obvious enough] my boyfriend has officially been converted to facebook!! haHa yay! :) the winning chip was knowing this would be the best way to stay in contact with the friends he has made during his time australia... *awww* :)

ANYWAY... wwwweeeheeeee!!!

i like it. :)
i like it very much.
HAHA. :)

the things that amuses me. im so lame. :P

.sydney, we did it again.

holy crap. i got back from my sydney trip almost 48 hours ago, and i'm still feeling super exhausted. granted, i worked both the days right after i got back and havent had a decent shut eye since.

merde.

so tired!

driving to sydney and back is definitely an adventure. especially when its night time, raining and you find yourself stuck on the mini highway in a 3 hour post-oil-tank-on-fire accident clean up. sirens blaring in the dark, zooming past all the other unfortunate and tired drivers who had turned their car engines and lights off, leaving the streets pitch black. one word, scary.

i'll write more when im more awake. shouldn't have joined my baby to watch that "doubt" movie... i feel even more drained now! :( till then, here's a little something from the trip. i'd imagine more will surface on facebook in due course -

.the four musketeers.

.reunited with family and my best friend on GSG day!!.

.my baby & i.

.6 days worth of crap.

.:updates:.

.im heading to sydney on monday.

.i cant wait till i dont need to save every penny i have in my account for this blasted sydney trip.

.i need to buy moisturizer... im cracking up.

.winter is not fun.

.nanda fixed up my hair's regrowth and gave me a fringe. yay! thanks babe!.

.i found a brilliant software to download youtube videos! [any video converter].

# perhaps not the 'legalest' thing to do.

.my baby bought me new boots! for no reason too! wheee!.

.i cleaned out the old stuffs in my room!!.

.i cleaned out my clothes too!!.

.im so tired.

.oh!! and i became nanda's face model for her napoleon perdis make-up artist course!.

[pictures will be posted in due course]

.:random blabs from work:.

.working 4 days a row is going to damage my left ankle. no kidding.

.i need an idea for an awesome costume for a "black and white" themed party at work.

.i made a man buy a $1,550 ring he wasn't after just by talking about random things to him.

[for almost an hour mind u!]

.i witnessed a grown son whistling his mum for attention when he was trying on sunnies at sheena's shop.

[so rude!!]

.:just random:.

."so you think you can dance" is back on channel 10!.

.this dancer, tony, is really cute.

.he looks a bit like my baby.

*teehee*

.an adorable sight.

been watching harry potter movies from the beginning with the girls and my baby this weekend. last night, he was really tired... and dozed off towards the end of it. what was cute though was watching him hug my leg to sleep.

in the middle of the movie, i had placed my legs on top of him, bent around the knee so it came up to his chest. conveniently, it became a bolster for him to hug to sleep. it was such a cute sight... if only my movements weren't so restricted, i would've taken a picture of him. too bad. would've loved to add that adorable image to our scrap book.

anyways, by the end of the movie, i was all stiff, aching and cramped. that was the only downside... but hey, it was so worth it. :)