July 25, 2007
He called literally 5 minutes after I posted the stupid blog.
haHaa Talk about being clingy huh?
Never thought I had that in me.
*Im still denying I do btw!*
So... we had another one of "those" talks.
about his past and my past,
and what he thinks about stuffs and those "what ifs"...
There were many subjects that we touched on.
One was about him going to New Zealand next month.
He's going on vacation with friends for a week.
Then we started talking about our past vacations,
and how we met people,
and was placed in situations where we could cheat,
and not be caught.
Talks along those lines eventually led to us talking about how serious we were about each other.
Have to say,
I kinda feel like the weaker one in the relationship,
cuz I think I've kinda thought more about us then he did.
Which isn't normal for me,
But probably normal for him.
"I'll be honest,
I think you'd be a great person to settle down with,
but right now,
I'm not ready to settle."
Point taken and very clearly understood.
Not to mention,
Very much appreciated cuz I did wanna know where he stood.
We've only been together for just over 2 months,
if he already thought I was "The One",
he'd probably send me running to the door.
(As past relationships have)
Still... *being honest*
I wouldn't say it was comforting or nice to know that he isn't settling,
Especially when that is coupled by other things like,
knowing that he still wants to travel Europe and etc..
I think I'm a step further into this rship than he is.
I'm not ready to settle either,
but at the same time,
I have a different take on things.
I wanna travel and see the world too.
But I wouldn't mind experiencing all that with him by my side.
While he's thinking,
"I wanna see Europe cuz there's probably a whole new world out there,
Things I havent seen,
People I havent 'experienced'"...
With thoughts like that,
You really don't bring along someone who'd hold u back from experiencing everything to the fullest.
He's not saying he doesnt wanna be with me.
He's just saying he's not sure he wants to be with me for good.
Which is perfectly fine,
cuz thats how I feel too.
(I've said that one too many times huh?)
I shouldn't be feeling this uncomfortable.
But maybe I'm just too used to being the one who's unstable (or more unstable) in my relationships.
And now that the table has turned,
I guess I can't help feeling slightly unsatisfied.
Cuz its sorta like...
Im not in charge of the pace anymore,
and I just feel as if I am left in this position where...
If things fall apart,
I'd most likely be the one feeling left behind.
So right now,
Do I just tell myself -
"its okay, if he leaves, u can handle it"?;
Do I convince myself that -
"This position of vulnerability could lead to insecurities,
and with these insecurities, you're best advised to RUN while u can!"?
and by RUN,
Dont hold back,
Let yourself meet new people,
& Do Not write off the idea of finding soMeone better to move on with.
# OKAY, I just had a new thought:
Maybe I'm unhappy right now,
because I feel that,
VERY HIGH CHANCES,
He wont EVER be who I would end up settling down with.
Cuz He wants to experience Europe,
He wants to see more of the world,
and while he wants to do that,
He can't have me.
Its not a matter of me being selfish,
or me, wanting him to choose between myself and what he wants for himself,
But its just,
Im not gonna be the -
"I'll come back to you once Im done frolicking,
and I finally realise you're the one" - gal.
And I dont want him to NOT see the world,
He'd always be wondering what else could be out there.
You know what Im sayin?
I dont have that much self confidence to know for a fact that he wouldn't find someone better out there,
and will definitely come back to me.
SO why would I wait?
Iik Soon was right.
He said I need to find someone who would be serious,
Wants a family and is prepared to find someone to share that dream,
otherwise I'm just wasting my time.
So does going out with a guy who still wants to see the rest of the world constitute a guy not serious enough to be with?
I THINK SO.
What Im really doing now is WASTING MY TIME.
I am, right?
after they say they would?
My Ans: "Only if I waited."
before I started writing this post,
I was merely disappointed.
Now Im annoyed.
Maybe posting this was not a good idea.
I actually waited.
SHERLENE LEE doesnt do shyte like that.
(all the more reasons to get annoyed)
Im so dramatic.
I take that from Ivan.
He's the biggest Queen.
July 22, 2007
Tomorrow will be the beginning of my final (hopefully) semester.
I hate goodbyes.
I hate sending people off.
I hate when people I love can't be around,
and be involved in my day to day life...
Phone calls dont count.
I want them here physically.
Around me all the time,
Even if it has to be to the point that I get sick of them.
At least they're around!
Exams are on Tuesday and Friday.
Uni starts tomorrow.
I've got a headache.
"You take care of yourself,
Dont focus too much on dating,
Its your final semester.
I trust you to know whats best for yourself,
I know you're capable of making wise choices."
I miss dad.
July 18, 2007
This holiday was fun.
Had awesssOmee company,
Went to many places,
Loved every secoNd...
Hated the Goodbyes though.
And I also wouldn't mind if I had more time to just bum out.
Would love to just sit around and write a song.
Talkin about writing songs,
I had a blast singing with Derek.
He plays the guitar really well...
All I do is search for a random song,
He checks out the chords,
And then all I do is follow his lead.
(Wouldn't mind a boyfriend who plays music)
This holiday was fun filled,
But I guess,
It was not "lazy" enough for me to rest my old boNes.
Not that Im complaining.
(Im so tired, and I havent even gone clubbing yet!)
Jimmy met my dad this holiday.
Dad refuse to give me any constructive comments or criticism.
I guess that means Jimmy neither is on the "write off" list,
Nor on the "thumbs up" list...
Which is good enough for me...
Dont know what else to say.
I hope the pics does a good job illustrating what I've been up to.
One things for sure,
I had heaps of fun.
Im taking dad out now!
Catchya all laterz!
July 9, 2007
He said his mum asked whether I was his girlfriend.
He said Yes.
Was telling Jimmy about the song I've set as his ringtone.
It's Shawn Colvin's "When You Know"...
I told him that every time I listen to this song,
I think about him.
I told him what the lyric says.
I warned him that it might freak him out,
and after I told him,
"Im glad you have these thoughts."
(Dont know what he's really thinking,
but oH WeLLz...)
July 5, 2007
July 2, 2007
I worked 3.5 hours today...
Got 33 people's phone numbers...
Was pretty good.
Today was rather cute...
Had 2 different guys at different times ask me this question:
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
Both guys were friends of mine I got to know from work.
I'm not making any assumptions of what they may be thinkin,
but one guy did say:
(when I asked why he asked)
"It doesn't matter now anyway. I just thought you're really nice."
That should mean what I think it means rite? :)
And for what its worth,
He was a nice guy...
And Im flattered.
Its good to know that I still got it. ^^
Spent some quality time with Daddy today.
Drove him around and went grocery shopping.
We've decided to wait till the 7th before taking dad to more exciting places,
cuz thats when Ling Jia and Justin are coming,
and it'd be easier to all go together on one trip.
The family got together on an MSN chat tonite.
That was fun.
It was like a family reunion.
Wynna took this pic:
Today was pretty chilled out.
I got up at 2pm...
Ate too much (as usual),
and missed Jimmy alot.
I have to say,
Its fun to be able to be very open about me and Jimmy in front of my dad.
We talk on the phone in front of dad,
and I say whatever I like.
I tell dad stuffs about Jimmy,
and dad gives me pointers about how to treat guys,
and pointers on how he made his marriage work.
heHee its reli sweet.
Although Im kinda getting a weird feeling...
I feel that my parents see Me and Jimmy as something.
they seem to "see a future"...
And they arent afraid to talk about it.
That's kinda scaring me.
But Jimmy and I had a talk about this,
and we're both on the same page about things.
We're just enjoyin' each other.
I miss Jimmy.
This whole thing between Jimmy and I...
I dont know...
I'm kinda scared/worried.
(but thats only when I REALLY think about it)
1) Its going a bit too smoothly...
and dont get me wrong, thats great,
but I dont wanna get sucked into it too much.
What if I end up liking him too much?!
- and he's on a whole different page?
2) He's being so great and everything is fine,
but with #1 constantly on my mind,
what if I hold back too much and he feels it?...
This leads to 2 other thoughts -
2.1) If he likes where we are,
and wants to continue staying on this page,
he'd probably be grateful that Im holding back...
2.2) But if he did wanna move on,
and I'm holding back,
and this holds US back...?
3) Okay, Ignore what HE thinks.
Do I want this to move on?
Am I holding back cuz Im not ready to go forward?
Am I holding back cuz Im afraid of stand on a new page on my own?
- end of Heart2Heart -
Regardless of above,
Im very happy where we are now.
Every thought of him still makes me smile.