.KARMA.

I was chatting with James...
Still chatting with James actually...
And we suddenly talked about "KARMA"...
What is it actually?

Well I said...
(and this idea actually sprung from my misinterpretation of James' idea)

"its probably another person who was hurt by another person, doing the same thing to the next person, who had hurt another person the same way in the past..."

James said it could be an excuse for people who has been hurt before.
Sorta like... another form of "revenge"...
Its just, they dont do it themselves...
But they wait till fate does it for them.

Thats what u meant rite, James?

What do u think?
Do you believe in Karma?

.dizzy.giddy.dizzy.

u know...
make that ditzy.

hey, for the first time,
im attempting to write something in here when i actually have nothing to write about.
ok, thats a lie.
i never have NOTHING to write about.
but reli, there's nothing that i really do wanna write about.

im just here,
typing whatever that comes into my mind right this instance.
that explains the dizziness.
i feel so exhausted from doing my assignment,
but so pumped up that its almost done.
then im worried cuz i dont know if i did it right.
but im soo lazy to do anything about it.
yea.
that explains ditzy.

whats wrong wit me huh?!
stress? no... dun think so.
im so NOT stressed that my "woman's cycle" is perfect this month.
28 days instead of my usual weekly overdues.
if u dont know what im talking about,
skip on.
it doesn't matter.

u know what.
skip this whole thing.
its crap.

its crap, oh yea, its crap!

haHaa...
oh btw, i wrote a new song.
aaaand i found a job.
currently working as a Bar Boo gal...
Bar Boo is a gelati shop in Sunnybank.
Despite the work,
its actually lotsa fun.

Yay! next friday i get paid!!
my first pay working in australiaaa!!
whoo hooo!!!

ok. now im gonna get a life.

Im Crap.

Im a bad person.
A Very Selfish Bad Person.
Nice People: Please stay away.

I do bad things to good people.
I lead people on,
Take them on a roller coaster ride with me,
Then I leave them hanging alone at the peak of the ride.
*sobs*
And my excuses are endless.
Its like, You can say anything,
But at the end,
I'd just write it off.

Im a bad person.
IM SUCH A BAD PERSON.
I wish I can kick my own arse.

*sigh*

Still Sighing

OK. STOP RIGHT THERE.
Just so u know...
Despite this being a "blogging" place,
I don't really blog in here.
This place has kinda turned into my journal or diary,
whichever way you wanna call it.
(Im not sure at what point, but it doesn't matter)

SO...
If you're not in the habit of reading other's diaries,
OR...
You're simply not interested in reading anything too "emotional",
You may exit here.
Seee? I even linked you to a very useful (and common) site.
You can thank me later.

ANYWAY...
Lets get back to my usual stuffs.
Hmm...
Well,
I was chatting with Terrence a while ago.
Chatted about the usual stuffs,
Nothing too serious.
Which is good.
See... The thing I really like about what me and Terrence have is the fact that...
He's just getting to know me.
What I say or do RIGHT NOW is what matters.
Not what I've done in the past.
It's much more relaxing that we're still in the "first impressions" bit of things.
Not having to be afraid of what he already know,
Or what he might have heard about me before.
In simple words,
I like the freshness.

By the way,
My past isn't really THAT bad.
Its just...
I admit I wasn't a saint before,
But whats out there is really a more scratched up version of things.
Trust me, it's getting further and further away from the truth.

Hmm... I've got a sudden thought.
If its just the freshness that I like...
Would it matter if it was or was not Terrence?
Does that mean,
Terrence isn't the main issue?
And its more like,
A new guy in my life, ANY GUY, who doesn't already know Sherlene Lee would give me this same feeling of 'Freshness'?
I guess that goes to show that I'm just not 100% certain about Terrence yet.
AND thats not wrong, rite?
After all, there's no rush in these things...

ANYWAY...
Leaving those questions aside,
What really made me wanna "blog" tonite is actually something to do with Shaz.

Old habits die hard.
Yes, I still visit his Friendster site everyday.
And every single change on his profile,
I would notice.
Then again, its really not that hard.

This time,
Shaz wrote about moving on.
Specifically about him telling his friend to move on despite still loving that someone.
Saying he should let go and let her be with someone new...
But then,
he ended by saying he shouldn't have told his friend that...
Reason being,
becuz his friend was hurting at that time?

It made me think...
Is he just trying to say its not as easy as it sounds?
Or...
Is he just talking about his friend,
and he's saying he shouldn't have been so blunt with his friend cuz his friend is hurting,
which means it has nothing to do with him?
Or...
Is he putting himself into his friend's shoe,
Saying its harder than he thought...
which means,
He still loves me?

............... argh............
I think too much.
Whats my point anyway, rite?
Its not like anything is gonna change...
If he isn't talking about me,
So what?
And if he is talking about me,
And if he does still love me,
Then what?
There's no point, rite?!
RIGHT?

Closureee.... I need closureeeee....
Or maybe I just need to stop my brain from thinking.
Just for a minute.
Or I might explode.

Moving On or Not Moving On?

Its been a week since my last entry.
I wouldn't say lots have happened,
But lets just say...
My feelings have been swish-swoshing.

Last nite I attended MYSA's makan makan nite.
It was fun. Its always fun to be around people from home.
Anyway...
I met up with Terrence there.
It was my 2nd time seeing him...
We hung out.
After the thing,
Terrence and my friends walked to the city.
Selina decided to catch a movie with Cyrus,
Brian met up with Lalat,
So Terrence and I decided to go for drinks.

Terrence took me to a pub.
Main reason was to play pool while being able to have a couple of drinks.
It was pretty...
Never been there.
First times are always interesting.
The pool tables were all occupied.
So Terrence bought us drinks and we drank away.
Feeling a little tipsy,
Terrence and I started dancing.
It was fun...
I'm getting to know him better,
And so far, it's been nice.

At around 11.30pm,
We met up with Selina and Cyrus,
And we all took the same bus home.
I dont know,
But the feeling was pretty warm.
Selina and Cyrus,
Me and Terrence.
Hmmm...

Where's this gonna go?
Im not sure I know yet...
Don't really know for sure what I want.
Would like it if it can remain this way for a while.
Just so I have more time to decide whats best for me.
I wonder if Terrence is willing to go on this taking-it-slow ride with me.

As for Shaz...
I can't deny that he still plays an important role in my life.
Little things about him still effects me.
Like yesterday when he missed an important tute.
I was so pissed, I was beyond words.
He smsed me today...
Said he's got something to pass to me.
I dont know whether to be happy or sad...
Not even sure if I'm ready to shut this chapter of my life.
The thing is, I WANT TO.
But the real question is:
"Can I?"

The thing is,
"Shutting this chapter" doesn't mean Shaz aint a friend anymore rite?
I can still show my concern and still talk to him right?
And I still can be there for him rite?
(Provided he would look for me when he needs someone)
Cuz I happen to know that Shaz is in a pretty lousy state at the moment.
Not becuz of our break up,
But becuz of his personal stuffs...
I know he's suffering, and I SO wish to be there for him.
Its so hard to tell myself that I need to stay away,
Specially when all I wanna do is offer him an ear to listen and perhaps a warm hug.
*sigh*

But doing so,
Would that only put me and him back to square one?
Does this also mean I shouldn't be mingling with other guys while I'm still at this state of confusion?
Then again,
I'm pretty sure that my feelings for Shaz AT THIS VERY SECOND is nothing but wanting to be a friend to him.
*sigh* (again)

Am I thinking too much?
.... Argh...
But I'm only human!

A Day At A Time...

Last Thursday... 30th March.
I went to Oxygen's Ladies Night at Family.
I went with Lalat, and met up with Mike and his friends there.
The same night,
I met James for the first time.
It was a fun night out.
Although I had class the next day at 2pm,
Taking that night out helped relax me.
And I really needed that.

Last Friday... 31st March.
I attended class.
Shaz sms-ed me in the morning.
Reminded me to bring my umbrella becuz it was raining really heavily.
That small gesture touched me.
Specially cuz Shaz and I haven't spoke since a few days before.
We had this long talk...
(not another 7 hours, dont worry!)
That talk actually made me realise a couple of things.
Not gonna be blabbing them here,
But lets just say...
It helped me let go a little more.

When I got to Uni,
Shaz was around the park...
He waved at me, and we both walked to class together.
It felt a little awkward on my side.
Dont know why.
I hate feeling that way around Shaz.
I guess I'm just too use to being open and comfortable with him..
And it hurts to feel this way when I'm around him now.
After all,
He was once my Shaz.

That same night,
Bernard called.
We talked a bit,
Then I agreed to meet him at the city.
We window shopped a little.
It was casual... It was fun.

I called Terrence on my way home.
He was at the casino when I was at the city.
I had thoughts of catching the bus home with him.
But I was a little too late.

Last Saturday... 1st April, Yesterday.
It was April Fools day.
Pulled a couple of pranks on friends/housemates.
Was fun.
Only Terrence managed to trick me.
*boo*
In the afternoon,
I went out for lunch with Mouzam.
At Wintergarden, we bumped into Shaz and his friends.
I thought it was a little weird,
Altho we both just greeted one another casually.
Mouzam and I then went for a few games of pool.
He was great as usual.
Its always fun to watch him play.
We talked alot too.
Mouzam don't usually talk much...
But today was different.
Conversations flowed...
It was a great feeling.

Called Terrence on my way home.
(Cant make this a habit!!)
Had thoughts of having dinner with him...
Since he stayed at Sunnybank,
and my bus had to pass by his stop anyway.
At the end,
It didn't happen.
I guess Fate isn't a friend of ours.
That reminds me of me and Shaz.

I got home and spent an hour on the phone with him instead.
Talked alot.
Was fun.

--

*sigh*
I dont know where all this is leading.
Kinda feel like I'm taking each day as it comes.
Not really knowing what direction I'm headed.

I recently downloaded Pearl Harbor's OST...
The instrumental stuffs.
The sad melodies just made my heart ache.
Listening to them made me think of... Shaz.
With those thoughts,
A really sour feeling swam through my heart.
Each time I feel that,
I tell myself that soon I wont feel it anymore...
Which would mark the day I really move on.
Then again,
Deep down,
I realised...
Part of me doesn't wanna let go of Shaz.

Despite my realisation,
My frustration,
My insecurities when I'm with Shaz...
I can't deny how great it felt to be with him.
To be his.
To be loved by him.

*sigh*