.my mp3 player and me.

i was on the bus home today when i had a sudden urge to listen to jack johnson's "better together". thanks to sheena for painting a video clip of that song in my head; i'm totally addicted to it now.

but then, thats me. i have a pattern. i learn to love a song by understanding its meaning (lyrics), and from that moment, i'd surround myself with that song day and night.

sadly, it usually only last for a week? or maybe a bit more, depending on how good the song is, but my point is, i would always get myself to the point where i'd get sick of it, and then i'd just flush it out of my system (or rather, delete it from my mp3 player) and it'd be as if i've never liked it before.

scary hey?

i also had another thought. see, my mp3 player is on random and repeat. so i had to press next 10281719 times (on the bus just now) before i finally heard jack johnson's guitar plucking. it got me thinking...

is that like me and my relationships?

forever skipping through other good music before getting to what i really want? or something i think i want, and end up getting sick off 1.5 weeks later? some songs even appeared twice while i was shuffling! whats up with that? could it be symbolizing how some people may hop in and out of my life more than once?

and since we're already talking about this, i might as well tell u the other thing i also thought about: while shuffling for jack johnson, i thought "what if i finally get the song, but realise i didn't really wanna listen to it that much anymore?" or "what if the song doesn't make the feel the way i expect it to make me feel?"

... it was then the song came on, (jack johnson finally!) and i notice myself being very conscious of my reaction... but.. :) sufficient to say, it was worth it. i loved it, and loved how it still made me feel.

but then i also realised... after listening to the first verse, i started looking around the bus and ended up spacing out; not noticing that the song was still playing in my ears. the song i had spent 10281091 button-pushes to find. - now... i wonder what THAT means.

hmm.

.DND.

im feelin really cranky today.
no, actually im feeling cranky, disturbed, annoyed, antsy, irritated, touchy-feely, stressed, pressured and very much arrrghh-ed...

woke up on the wrong side of bed?
nah.
more like 'punished for my hours and hours of procrastinating' the last 2 weeks.
i hate the thought that the rest of my week will be crap becuz of my laziness.

i have 5 untouched files at the moment, all due on friday; all needing a letter of advise on how to get out of trouble;
2 court appearances tomorrow;
and one major craving for a maccas fillet-o-fish burger.

aaaargh...!!

.so many things.

i have so little time and so many files and so many things i wanna talk about.

1) jayson dalton [a real story]

i watched a video with my colleagues yesterday on this man. we were learning about domestic violence. this man was so in love with his wife and his kids. he was a perfectionist and a control freak. he wanted everything his way, that he even chose the bridemaid's dress during him and dionne's wedding.

after marriage, he basically cut off his wife from contacting her family, desperate to keep her all to himself. their first girl came, jess, 4 months after their marriage. the crazy bit was, a few days after giving birth, dionne was demanded by jayson to go back to work at their family business. he was already hitting her then.

refusing sexual intercourse with her husband, jayson forced himself on dionne one nite... which led to dionne falling pregnant with patrick, their second child. things just got bad to worse from there. so dionne took the kids and ran.

jayson chased her all the way down to the gold coast, knowing dionne was heading down to her mother's. he pulled up right behind her as she arrived. he took a swing at dionne's mother, who was carrying partrick at the time, although it only caught her mum in the hand. they called the police.

weeks later, dionne suffered from a psychiatric illness. hallucination and etc (as we wouldn't be surprised) and she was sent to a mental institution. the kids were left without their mother. jayson learnt of this and applied for custody, AND WON.

loooong story short... when dionne got out, she applied to get custody back, and succeeded. however, on the day of the changeover of the kids, jayson did the extreme.

he wrote dionne a suicide email... right before he shot their two kids, and then himself.

dionne's first reaction to the news was filmed, and all our hearts broke. i pride myself in being able to hold back my tears. and that is when i realised, i can take on family law.

i just need to learn now to see things from jayson's point of view. cuz u never know, i might have to play defence lawyer for a 'person' like that some day too. sigh.

2) what did you do during the New Year?

i also had a sudden urge to share with people my new founding. remember that lucky kiss on new year? the kiss that is suppose to give you good luck for the rest of the year?

dont take that kiss lightly. apparently, how you spend your new year's kiss can determine your entire year's love luck. i remember what i did on new year... and its exactly what i'm being punished with now.

HA HA. :(

.p/s.

3 nights.
a whole weekend.
lets not let that happen again.

xox

.totally random.

do we call this hard?
or was this just never meant to be easy?

what do you do when its not getting any easier?
when do you play games and when do you start acting on your feelings?
when do you quit trying to understand and be empathic, and start standing up for yourself?
and when can you start demanding for understanding in return?

when and how do you know its worth it?
how much do you have to accept and tolerate and compromise to really understand its worth?
and how long do you put up with things the way they are?

when is it ok to play the role of the assurer, and when does that role cease?
and how far do you have to go to assure another person?
what if they do not take the assurance?

and.. so, what happens when no one believes in it anymore?

*frustrated*

chosen soundtrack for my current predicament
(picked by random on my media player) -

"last nite" p.diddy & keyshia cole

sigh

.disappointments?.

so, the whole world shud know by now that man utd won the uefa champions league.

the whold world would also know that ronaldo got them to the penalty shoot out, only to have his penalty kick denied by the bloody orange man, cech. i have to admit, when he scored, i was estatic. then he missed the penalty, and i wanted to kill him.

but thats what loved ones do rite?

they're great, but not perfect. so they're bound to disappoint once in a while, i know that. but lets say the disappointment isnt "missing a penalty" but something else like -

• he said the wrong thing?
• he offended the wrong people?
• he pissed off your friends?
• he kissed like a wet paper towel?
• you see him with another girl?
• he got sacked from his job because he's not good enough?
• he tells you he has no future prospects and is really a bum?
• he tells you he 'accidentally' slept with someone else?

hmm. maybe the real question is, at what point do you quit empathising, toss out the guilt of thinking less of him, not care of being called a bad girlfriend and make a run for it?

hmmm.

.we'll hav a double please? - thank you!.

GLORY GLORY

MANCHESTER UNITED!

my house went off this morning!
sheena shud be able to tell...
im sure she wished she could shoot us all.
haHaa sorry babyy!!

i'm wearing the worst clothes-match at work today.
picture this -

my ronaldo jersey
my man utd scarf (thanks stan!!)
my working skirt
opaque panty hose
formal shoes

HAHA!
but it was good to step on the bus,
and hear people start talkin about the match.
im a walking MU billboard!!

Glory Glory!!
(aww... my boys are champs!)

.the moment has come.

guess what's happening at 4.30am tomorrow morn?
you bettter believe itttttttt............!!!
we're goin to moscowwww to become UEFA Champs!!!!

and chelskiii... u're going DOWN!!!
(i heard ashley cole is out... *fingers crossed*)

last match of the season guyssss...
GLORY GLORY UNITED!!!

VS

.its not goodbye?.

soOoo...

stan left.

hmm.

i guess all was fine...
until he produced a stupid sunflower in an artistic flower holder.
"you guys called me a furniture in your house, (cuz he's always here)
so since i'm leaving, this piece of 'furniture' will take my place."

you can't NOT expect a round of tears from such a silly idea.
*sobs sobs*
damn you stan wong.

then...
just before 11.45pm on the 19th may 2008;
stan drove off into the nite.
i broke down.

in fact,
all 3 of us did.

stan...
we'll be ok.
just make sure u come home soon.

:(

.reblogging.

do people repost things?
cuz i was digging thru my blog... reading my old posts, looking at my old photos... when i stumbled upon this post.

it somehow recaptured me. im sure i felt the same way the first time i posted it. hmm..

its a 2005 post. cant believe its been 3 years.

***


Find a guy,
who calls you beautiful instead of hot..
Find a guy,
who calls you back when you hang up on him..
Find a guy,
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep..

Wait for the guy,
who kisses your forehead..
Wait for the guy,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats..
Wait for the guy,
who holds your hand in front of his friends..

Wait for the one,
who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you..
Wait for the one,
who turns to his friends and says...
"that's her"..

**

3 years ago... and i still want the same things. :)
i think in this case, its a good thing.

here's the direct link: "The Heart Speaks..."

xox

.foreseeing my day getting worse.

.series of unfortunate events.:

1. woke up after dreaming mu lost at the finals.

2. tried on 3 different outfits for work, but felt ugly and fat in whatever i wore.

3. my front hair felt flat.

4. couldn't find a good sweater to match what i eventually decided to wear.

5. had to walk back home (after walking out half way) cuz we left the helium tank at home, which had to be returned to the shop today.

6. got on a 140 bus which was packed, and had to stand. (rarely ever happens)

7. while getting off the bus, the dumb bus driver closed the door on me, trapping me between the gap, and i had to literally squeeze myself out. selina was like "oh my godd... oh my god"... i squeeked a bit, like a trapped mouse, and felt numb after i eventually broke free. funny how i wasn't in shock, embarassed or anything. just numb. i guess my low start to the day prepared me for that moment. sigh.

8. got to work 15 mins late.

9. realised i have 4 files to work on, and no spirit to get into it.

.my predictions for the rest of the day.:

1. Not finishing work, and stressing about it tonite.

2. Not able to spend enough time with Stan.

3. Frustrated at myself for being tired and moody.

4. Lots of tears after Stan leaves.

5. No sleep.

*sigh*

.preparing myself for yet another goodbye.

two days before stan leaves brisbane;

and that is the state im in.

he walked out the door last nite and my heart broke;

sheena, selina and i stood at the door as he drove away.

tears filled my eyes.

tonite i sent him out my door,

hugged him for as long as i could.

my heart felt like it broke all over again.

tears streamed down my cheeks as he held me tightly.

i didnt want him to let go.

i dont want him to go.

tomorrow nite will be the last time i walk him to my door.

i dont know whats gonna happen to me.

*crushed*

.no words.

so tired. so tired. so tired.
i seriously think i could cry.
i pray tomorrow's presentation goes well,
and friday nite comes soon.
i pray for an awesome friday nite too!

last but not least,
1:54 - 1:59... :)

how did i get this addicted?

*breathe*

.your eyes could be playing tricks?.

a picture tells a million tales.

in this one...

the tale is simply one word, "booze".

a good nite.

in stan's name. :)

.10 days. before & after.

this may not make sense... but let me rant.

i remember being asked whether i'd rather endure what i was going tru, or what my close girlfriend was going tru... and i said i'd rather my friend's.

at that time, i thought it was a "greener grass" syndrome... but now im sure my choice was rite. just lookin at my girlfriend grinning in front of me rite now, in front of her laptop, confirms im rite.

while im left with only these words...


(You say you'll never leave)
And I won't dear
(But how can I believe)
Just trust me please

(I can't explain how much I need you)
Don't say a word,
Your body will speak for you
(You can be the reason I'm alive)
You're already everything I've got
(Hold me close, keep me on my toes)

just surrender - so close/so alive

***

they can take tomorrow and the plans we made,
they can take the music that we'll never play,
all the broken dreams, take everything,
just take it away,
but they can never have yesterday,

they can take the future that we'll never know,
they can take the places that we said we will go,
all the broken dreams, take everything,
just take it away,
but they can never have yesterday.

leona lewis - yesterday


If only.

.youtube hearts moi.

aaah... i had so many thoughts on the bus today. was gonna come into the office and blab them all down here, but now that i actually can, i dont know what i wanted to say anymore. typical.

nwayz, got 20+ emails today from youtube. love youtube notifications. they make me feel good about myself. 98% of the time anyway. :) nwayz (i need to stop saying nways so much!) i got this comment today which i found really cute (in a quirky kinda way)...

can't say i blame him. each song was inspired by a guy, and the guy i refer to in my sappy lyrics arent usually the same one guy. so yea... lol but its funny how he pointed that out.

btw, another lesson i learnt from last week:

1 alwayss comes before 2. yea. 2 is/shall/will always be 2nd in line. who ever cares about #2? who ever cares how #2 came about? all they know is #1 is best, #1 came first, and therefore #1 has every rights to the spot.

what makes matters worse is when people think #2 is trying to take #1's spot; and when that happens, no one ever questions what really happened. all they know is, #2 is the bad guy. sigh.

oh well. at least now i know.

and, may i add, i'm perfectly fine. not a single fake smiling muscle in use rite now.

maybes and whats ifs are not worth it, so they say.

and for some things, i cant agree more. :)

final words:

i deserve the gold.

xox

.intervention.

lol oszkar and elton...

and here i thought guys would choose to be oblivious to everything, rather than take matters (with girls) face on.


i lost my smile today, the guys at work noticed, and to my surprise, they cared. after 2 missed calls (one from each), i was face to face with both of them at the bench outside the griffith's graduate centre, experiencing what we decided to call "an intervention".


i owe them both hugs. i honestly do feel better. :)

ANYWAY...
today really should be a day to celebrate! :)
dont see why my recent "episode" should rain on this parade!
ladies and gentlemen... EPL's RIGHTFUL DEFENDING CHAMPS...

MANCHESTER UNITED!!!

pic from: http://cristianosantosronaldo.blogspot.com/

.her shield and armour.

LOL i can draw? :)

not verrry "awesomely"... but i believe my drawing is sufficient to tell a tale.

ever felt like the suicide jumper up there? looking into a bright open hole, knowing there's a lion with its mouth wide open awaiting her at the bottom, but decides to jump into it anyway?

and not only that, but she thinks she's so smart cuz she's been there before, so she decides to put on protection... knee pads... an armour... a helmet... the whole defence force, thinking this way, she'd come out unharmed.

oh... and u must wondering why she jumped in the first place. i forgot one important detail in my sketch. her purpose. ok, here's the correct version.

pfft. go figure.

how's she now?
... well, lets just say... the lion won.

xox

.where am i?.

i have commitment issues? some says so.

i thought i knew myself a little better than this. rite now, i dont know anymore. dont know what i want, what i should want, what i need, what i dont need... hmm...

i think what blurs me up even more is that some decisions cant be made based on my feelings alone. there are simply too many surrounding factors that are affecting my wants and needs and capability to hold on to the things that matter.

i dont know anymore. im so tempted to just sit back and let things evolve on its own. but apparently just sitting back causes damage too. :(

sucks.

.so much so say; so little energy.

Bec, Selina and I got together to bake muffins for Jayde and Elton's birthdays.

Elton's very belated birthday actually.

... and they loved it. :)

Jayde and I

Me, lighting Elton's candle. :)

Elton and I... canoodling under the sun. LoL
actually we were just putting up an act for leah and bec,
cuz apparently, they love seeing us together...
c'mon everyone... awww... <3>

just like this pic, so i posted it.
maybe its cuz elton never look this... hmm...

dunno whats the word.

blissful?
If you knew elton, u'd know what i mean. :)

I had my IELTS exam today.
soOo disappointed with myself. :(


HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MUM! :)

thinking too much is soOo not fun.

but can we get by without thinking?
what's necessary and what isn't? :(

Stan's back.
ooH my... how i've missed him. :)

9 more days in brisbane with stan. :(

lena is gonna be in newcastle from the 16th may to the 6th june.

i wanna be there tooo!!!

i wonder if stan would be there already,

and whether i can take a weekend off to visit? :)

im so tired. :(

im soooo hoping sex and the city's movie come out SOON!! :)

xox

.teachin' the old rat new tricks.

i wanna learn how to speak and singgg french!!

tried to pick up a simple chorus from jesse mccartney's de toi à moi... but failed, obviously. french spellings are so different!! are there pin yins for french??

here's the vid with the lyrics. give it a go. and write down pin yins for me if u have time yea? :)

anywayz... this weekend feels different somehow. dont know why. maybe becuz suddenly, songs that i've been listening to alot seem to make more sense now? - wait, did that make sense?

well ok, for example -

just surrender's "so close/so alive" feels different when i listen to it now; as well as leona lewis' "yesterday" and hilary duff's "who's that girl". new pictures are painted in my head when these songs play. hmm... whether its a good or bad thing is yet to be determined though.

anywayz (again)... its late, time to hit the sack. gonna leave u guys with these pics -

DROOL!!!! ;)
... and thank you btw to 'you know who u are'.

xox

.one smile, one wink; you know what i think.

i did a print screen of my horoscope forecast for tomorrow. (today, if u consider today after midnight) but anywayz, yea... makes people think huh?

have to say, at this point, i dont know what i want or should want... but so far, the ride is quite enjoyable; although i do see myself crashing at the end of all this. after all, who wouldn't crash when their driving straight into a brick wall rite?

i had a good nite. i reckon a good nite rest and reli nice dreams tonite would top the day off perfectly. sweet dreams people!

xox

.are you game?.

this line is flashing in front of my eyes. its the question to more than one issue im facing in life rite now. am i game? am i?

those who has followed my journey and have seen how i got to where i am today would would have either one of these thoughts:

1) she's game. she's always game; or
2) its time for a change.

truth of the matter is, im with #2. im just too tired for these games now and am seeking sanctuary for my bruised, battered and ever-so-exhausted "full sized aortic pumps" as Joey Tribiani calls it.

i dont need anymore meaningless escapades. it does nothing for me now.

so am i game?
seriously?
no.