.daggers to the heart.

this month's pms mood is "down"... not angry, not anxious, not psycho, not grumpy (at least not predominantly) but rather, i'm feeling very sad.

i was driving home alone tonight and started singing in the car... it was all down hill from there:

"i will cross the oceans for you... i will go and bring you the moon... i will be your hero, your strength, everything you need..."

*tears swells up* - stops singing - change song.

"boy i hear you in my dreams, i feel your whisper across the sea, i keep you with me in my heart, you make it easier when life gets hard..."

*swells* - stops - change.

"let me sleep, for when i sleep i dream that you are here... you're mine... and all my fears are left behind.."

same happens. change.

"i know its crazy but, you still can touch my heart... and after all this time... you think that i... wouldn't feel the same... but time melts into nothing... and nothing's change.... i still believe... someday you and me... will find ourselves, in love again..."

mind drifts. :(

"oceans apart... day after day... and i slowly go insane. i hear your voice on the line, but it doesn't stop the pain... if i see you next to never... how can we say forever...

... i took for granted, all the times... that i thought would last somehow... i hear the laughter, i taste the tears... but i can't get near you now...

... wherever you go, whatever you do, i will be right here waiting for you... whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, i will be right here waiting for you...

... i wonder how we can survive... this romance... but in the end if i'm with you, i'll take the chance........."

***

okay.

one emo-while-you-clean-your-room day granted.

.10pm and already knackered!.

2 nights, 2 different nightmares...

the ones that shooks you and wake you up from deep sleep.

why? why all this mind-unrest? :(

now as a direct result of that,

i havent been sleeping well.

doesnt help that im doing a 48.5 hour week at work either.

my leg is killing me!

but i'm gonna focus on the dollars...

yea... eyes on the prize, gurl!!! eyes on the prizeeeee!! :)

ok, goodnight world!

.extreme my arse.

here's a recent observation that has made me realize exactly how important "moderation" is. I've noticed that when a person particularly appears to have a particular dominant trait, they end up being the worst of the exact opposite of that said trait...

it's almost like they just suddenly felt "screw this. I'm over being (insert good trait)" and suddenly decides to act out, directly conflicting with who they were before.

IMHO... those who claims they are an extremist (or tries/want to be one) of something are either in serious denial or are deep down unhappy but too proud to admit it.

here's what I mean in the most simplistic way -

the one who's the "nicest" always end up saying the nastiest things. not the "never thought she'd say something like that" type of nasty but the seriously nastiest thing. almost like they've been holding the words back in their time of being "nice" and now they don't care and is letting it all out.

others are such as -

1. the most permiscuous one ends up mindlessly falling the hardest;

2. the one who never had a comment ends up being the most judgemental one;

3. the toughest one ends up falling into depression;

4. the virgin Mary ends up becoming the slut;

5. the good kid, under "too much pressure" ends up becoming the drop out who's at the brink of an OD at the alleyway;

6. the obedient kids end up going against their parents in the most cruel/hurtful/forceful way;

of course not all of them.. but u see what I mean. people who almost forces themselves to live a certain way or be a certain way almost always end up "giving up" and heading towards the opposite direction...

is this all because we don't practice moderation or because we're in such denial of who we are because we don't admit we can't possibly live up to the expection we've set for ourselves?

I always try not to use "never"... it helps keep the conscious clean - and it helps make u look less like an idiot at the end of the day.

... by the way, while I'm on this, let's not forget the otherrr type out there. the ones who shamelessly promotes themselves as "i never judge people" and "I never talk behind someone's back" when everyone knows they do... those are seriously the ones who make me cringe the most. look in the mirror, asshole. yes, YOU. I seriously hope he reads this.

now lastly, here's MY disclaimer - I'm in no way saying any of the above doesn't apply to me. :) and if u wanna rub one in my face, I'm calling first dibs for the kettle! so u can be the pot! :) xx

ps: this is just an observation... :) don't mean any harm. except to that asshole of course :)

.random; so random - sorry!.

i miss ELN so much when i reread one of his very first sms to me saying, "take care of yourself because you're a little bit of mine now too."

...

i miss him scolding me for not replacing the roll of toilet tissue paper after using up the last one.

:D

.my theory of the beginning of a journey.

so here's my theory of "the beginning of romance" between guys & girls -

1. guy sees girl and is attracted.

2. girl sees guy checking her out.

3. she then has the choice to:

~ return a signal of mutual interest (try a shy/slutty/fun/flattered little smile before u turn away slowly - while maintaining the smile on your face - indicating and making him feel "he made a good impact on you" - which will boost his confidence at the same time); or

~ totally give him nothing (which means "you're not my type, so please stop staring")

4. aaanyway.. upon receiving a positive response from the girl, the guy should proceed with the next step of pursuit - after all, it's true that if a guy wants u enough, HE will do something - esssspecially after u've already clearrrrly given him the green light (so be cooperative girls!)

5. ... and the rest is history :)

alternatively, if the girl sees the guy first, the only difference is that the first step becomes - girl needs to catch guy's eyes first (cuz 98% of regular guys would naturally check out any girl that he catches shooting him some attention) n then, just like that... the process starts over again :)

*Disclaimer: UNLESS the guy rules her out from the get-go... (cuz lets face it girls... we can be fab, but it happens - he's married, he's seriously in love with his partner, he's gay or... sigh, u're just not his type.)

:) hehee.. ok.. I've bullshitted enough. don't throw rotten tomatoes at me.

.if given the choice...

was chatting with daddy about ELN today and it made me realize one thing...

despite wanting sooo much to travel to france to see him again, if given the choice, i might say no.

reason being-

if i do get to go there, even for month to see him... what then? we pick things up from where we left off, then... what? - i leave again. and once again, we're back to "i dont know when i'll ever see him again"... which will also put us back to square one in terms of trying to be okay without each other.

sigh.

i dont need more reasons to feel that this guy is perfect for me. :(

okay. time to refocus.

CAREER.

a great one too.

yes.

thats where i'm heading.

*exhale*

.turn around & hide.

never actually thought of how I'd react if I saw him again. "him" being a guy I use to have a crush on and haven't seen in a while now.

well well.. lucky me. I "think" I saw him today while I was at work. my first reaction?

I turned around.. well actually, it was more like.. I "spun" around (involuntarily) as quick as a girl my size could and secretly prayed that he did not see me. I'm still praying for that now.. especially after my whole spinning trick. wasn't a pretty sight at all. sigh.

I don't know why I reacted that way.. it's not like there's anything there. I'm such an idiot. gah!

on a different note, I'm in the middle of sitting through another movie marathon. it's going to be a fun night of rom-coms, with my favourite pink robe in my arms and the rain outside. if only I had some warm cuddles to go with that. *misses my ELN again*

sigh.

anywayy.. have a nice Friday beautiful world. AND happy 24th my sweety pie Lena Soo!! xoxo

.recommended.

i watched "the time traveler's wife" today with selina... and it broke my heart.

i miss erwann so much.

.need a little more "cruel" in me?.

i think im not cruel enough. when dealing with people, i mean. specifically in professional environments.

see, i dont know what's better -

1. to be insulted and shut up because you dont want to say something mean in return, in fear that you'd hurt someone's feelings? ; or
   
   
2. to be insulted and say exactly whats on your mind, so they'd know u're not some pussy who'd be shoved around - but at the same time, hurt their feelings and perhaps have others pay the consequences of your inability to hold your tongue?

those who speaks without a care in the world - how do you do it? don't other people's feelings matter to you? do you regret things? and if u do, does that stop you from doing it again?

cuz i don't think i'd be able to rest well if one day, i somehow blurted something totally evil to someone (even if its true), especially when it wasn't necessary, and knowing that there was perhaps a better way to get my message across...

how do some people do it?

ie - *purely fictional*cough*

her: "i guess u're just not a good sales person"

me (i wish): "do you actually think before you speak? or even hear yourself? is it really necessary to say such thing? especially when it is so uncalled for? how did you picture me reacting to such a comment? was there a specific result you were aiming to achieve by saying that? and above all, do you really have the rights or even the 'figures' to justify such a comment? or did you just say that because you really don't have anything else to say?? - bitch."

i soo hate that cow who thinks she knows everything. bloody bitch. bloody bloooody bitch. *cough*

.my list just got more serious.

4 years ago... i wrote a list (for fun)... i reviewed it a year ago and still believed it. and whether its healthy for me or not, i still think that list is bloody awesome.

... because despite what others may believe, i honestly and sincerely believe i found him. a guy who really pulled off becoming "the closest to perfection". its almost like he read the list and programmed himself to suit.... *....hmm - naaah...* but go figure.

since then... i learnt more. *yeap, you can shake your head in disapproval now* - but in all seriousness... from my recent adventure, i actually found more... "essentialties" in a relationship. [...yes, i created that word - pronounced 'essential-tees']

now, u don't have to agree with me, but here goes -

***

1. find someone you that makes you want to give them everything, not to show them how much you care or to prove your love for them, not even "because they deserve it", but because you honestly can't tell yourself not to.

2. find someone that you can trust to never give up on you because you failed them or yourself or the relationship; someone who would instead pump in more effort and energy to make things right for the both of you because they know u're in this together, especially when one is momentarily weak.

3. find someone who would stand up for you against any negativity when you need them to, in a way that shows they honestly believe in you and your ability and strength, not because you can't stand up for yourself, but because they can sense your vulnerability in your silence without you having to express it.

4. find someone who would, despite whatever they believe in, always make you feel assured and confident in their special affection and care for you, especially when it matters most.

5. find someone who sees you both as one against everything else; not meaning to rob each other of the ability to stand on your own and be independent, but as one against anything that tries to break you two apart.

***

now i really can say goodbye to finding mr.perfect, huh?

thats alright, i'll feed my soul with a successful career and be one of those woman with no soul and a steel heart. hey... that could come in handy in some areas of law, don't you think? ;)

.think of me.

officially ONE MONTH since he left.

i think i've found a song that is now the official song for my thoughts when i think of him... its david archuleta's version of "think of me" - made famous by the movie phantom of the opera.

listening to it makes my knees buckle, eyes water and have a heavy 'something' weighing upon my heart.

i read an article recently about losing someone you love. she wrote, "i wasn't afraid to cry every day. i wasn't going to pretend everything was okay because it wasn't, because i knew someday reality will catch up with me." - reading that got me worried...

because all this time, i havent been too upfront with myself. i havent allowed the tears to come as freely as i probably should... and now i'm left wondering what will become of me when it finally does.

you'll probably read about it soon enough. my apologies in advance. but till then -

Think of me, think of me fondly

when we've said goodbye

Remember me once in a while

please promise me you'll try

When you find that, once again, you long

to take your heart back and be free

if you ever find a moment

spare a thought for me

We never said our love was evergreen

or as unchanging as the sea

but if you can still remember

stop and think of me

Think of all the things

we've shared and seen

don't think about the things

which might have been

Think of me, think of me waking,

silent and resigned.

Imagine me, trying too hard

to put you from my mind.

Recall those days

look back on all those times,

think of the things we'll never do

there will never be a day,

when I won't think of you

Flowers fades,

The fruits of summer fade,

They have decisions, so do we

but please promise me, that sometimes

you will think of me...

Think of Me - David Archuleta