.time to live out of my dreams.

i need to put an end (for the 192719th time) to this M-L phase... 

although this morning, i actually spent god knows how long living in a dream where him and i were together. (yes, i mean i actually had a dream about him. meaning [in my defense] it was involuntary and subconscious and yarda yarda yarda.)

i dreamt he took my hand under a table in a restaurant where we were having lunch. his touch felt so real. then as i got up to leave, he pulled me into a long and warm embrace.  the odd thing though is when we leaned in for a kiss, he turned away at the last moment with a really sad expression on his face. like he just suddenly changed his mind. he looked somewhat lost or confused... a look i've seen on his face once before (in real life - about a year ago now) when he said something unexpectedly... vulnerable to me... *trying to stop my flashbacks*

To dream that you are holding hands with someone, 

represents your connection with that person. 

Your dream may also reflect anxieties about losing touch with him/her or that you are drifting apart. 

the dream also had episodes that linked to taking showers. both him and i. in my bathroom in my old room in malaysia. SEPARATELY, mind you.

To dream that you are taking a shower in clear, fresh water, 

denotes spiritual or physical renewal or the need to wash a burden out of your life. 

It is also symbolic of forgiveness.

okay. 

time to pack up these mind games/confusions and come back to the real world. because right now, i have someone great in my life. and i will not ruin what i have in my hands for some fantasy that lives more in my head.

my heart should be smarter than that.

p.s. portugal didn't qualify for the world cup 2010? :( nooooo............................

.scattered.

SO, the girl (moi) has been putting in more resumes today... AND hopefully more in the next couple of days. need to really step up with this job hunting thing before i starve or become a liability to my family. sigh.

sheena actually suggested that i look into expanding my job choices. she says maybe i should look into photography. like at pixi foto or something... dad would kill me if i made that my future, but hey, no harm considering rite? who knows, i might actually have other talents! (if any to begin with - shut up ivan!)

ANYWAY, i found a picture on facebook today that totally made my heart flip. can't tell u what or who it is regarding, but i just had to say something about it here to remember i actually saw that picture. HAHA. :) *feels my girls rolling their eyes if they're reading this*

so, my boy has been enjoying his new job down at the coast... which is awesome. :) will be seeing him later in the week... which is again, awesome. :) its been too long!!! :)

stan's coming back to brissie on friday!! another awesome news!! woooHooo!!

ok, need to pick my bro at the city now. catchyaz later!

.cheated by the bottle!.

argh. 2 more days until my student ID expires and i'd have to pay full price for everything. :(

also, i need to say this. i've been using the "sex and the city" perfume, and recently bought a new one of the same kind because i liked it, ONLY to find that the smell is different! exact same brand, name, type, colour, etc.. but it smells different! AND DISGUSTING!! :(

and i didnt retain the damn receipt. so what am i suppose to do now?! gaaah!!!

.more than just earth hour.

earth hour passed without any effort to fill the void that was left by the darkness. 

all it took were 4 sms-es to make the hour flash right by me. sms-es that had either made my earth hour truly memorable... or painful.

why issit that when it comes to M-L, i always have to choose?

why do i feel opportunities only crepe up between us when i have someone else in my mind/hand/heart? is it just bad timing? or a star-crossed-lovers type of crap fate? or could it simply be a 'higher power' trying to test me by forcing me to choose between two things i want? (and just coincidentally, both times he was one of the choices - and both times... i had to give him up!)

argh! why do i always let this person mess me up? i was satisfied and content. i mean, i AM satisfied and content. but why do i seem to feel less since this person came back into my life? he isn't even 'back in my life'. he just took a sneak peek and i'm already a mess.

"btw u single?"

why did he have to ask me that?! :( now my mind is doing mental flip-flops! i didnt answer him... but my mind is screaming "what did he want?!"

edit: after giving it alot of thought, i've decided that all he wanted was to scout me out for a friend or something. he had mentioned introducing me to his friends before. so yea, i've decided that thats all he wanted. he wanted to give me to a friend. there. case closed. i'm at no loss.

im always telling people to clear past craps before moving on to someone new. well, now it looks like i need to take a lesson from my own books. but how am i gonna rid him? :(

i know im really unworthy now and have no rights to say this...

but i hope this is just a little bump in the road for my frenchie and i.

i just spoke with him and we're seeing each other on tuesday.

that will make things better. 

it will.

.telling myself i dont care.

its 15 minutes past 12am on the 28th march 2009. 

sherlene, do not text him. 

DO NOT.

p.s join the Earth Hour! turn off your lights for an hour at 8.30pm tonight! :)

.good news all around.

news news and news all day today. some good, some great. :)

woke up to an sms from starshots glamour photography. thanks to sheena who entered me into a competition, (i don't know when) apparently i won a photoshoot package! haha thanks babe! sheena was really excited because she had done it before, and can't wait to share the experience with me. lol not to mention her cute photographer. we'll see when i decide to 'book in'. lol funny, as cam-whorish as i am, i dont know if i can do it... i feel fat.

ANYWAY

'he' gave me some awesome news today too!! the 'problem' he was having might have found a solution!! we'll find out for sure on saturday, but its looking good now! i cant wait till he settles into his vacation-life and really start having fun without these worries. :) *fingers crossed*

NEXT

i vacuumed my room today. finally!! :) you should've seen the fur ball gathered in the tube thingie. whoa. i should've taken a picture, but i didn't want to make u cringe. so... yea. nvm.

im sure there were other great news that i received today, otherwise i wouldn't be feeling this relaxed. hmm. oh wells. maybe im happy enough just with his news. woohoo! we'll see whats next for us after this. how i see it, it could go both ways. good or really bad. again, we'll see.

although he did say...
"now i'll get to see you more."

we'll see.

alritey. ta!

.the bad bugs got me!.

i just got off the phone with him. 1.5 hours on the phone. i feel my ear burning. (why didn't i switch ears?!) ANYWAY... here's some news: im falling sick. :( dammit.

and 2 others things i was gonna say before i shower (then hit the sack for much needed rest) :

x. my assistant manager pointed out to me and my colleagues about the "look" i get in "my eyes" when i serve customers, especially male ones... she says, "its like she's sending out electric waves"... lol she said it was cute, but we all know what was really on everyone's mind. "she's flirting." its so embarrassing when everyone's taking notice now. heHe... :)

x. i thought i saw M-L on the bus today. my heart sunk and i felt a heavy thump in the pit of my stomach. when i eventually got over it, i felt annoyed at myself. i cant believe he still affects me. dammit.

ok. goodnight people. stay healthy and away from the bad bugs. i know they're out there! they've found me! :(

im falling ssssiiiccckkkkk.... daaaaammmmiiiitttt.

p.s. 
25th march - happy birthdays to melissa and jimmy!
26th march - happy birthday mouzam!! :)

.happy in limbo.

woke up late in the arvo today and thought of him. 

we were both in separate social environments last night, and as we've agreed, we'd keep our minds open about meeting other people because that seems to be the only way for us to really move on. so naturally, i was curious as to whether something happened.

we spent 40 minutes on the phone, and came to one conclusion.

despite breaking up a month ago, we're still growing... closer... together. and as a couple. meeting other people felt like cheating. the thought that's constantly in our minds when we're close to letting someone else in is "is this person worth giving up what i have?"... and last night, separately, we both didn't feel it was. :)

here, you weigh it out: 

.a one night hormonal make out session vs  a real connection.

so he said, "i think we need to have another talk about us." [sounds like a line that i, as the girl, should be saying, hey?] but i'm happy. i'm really happy about everything that has happened today.

i'm happy with his words, my feelings, and to top it all off, i called my parents and they sound beyond happy holidaying in hong kong/china at the moment. listening to mum and dad's laughs completed my day. its truly the best feeling in the world. :)

.personal views, opinions and discoveries.

- somehow, guys wearing coloured contact lense look wrong. maybe its cause it sorta puts an emphasis on 'vanity', and everyone knows vanity is suppose to be a girl thing.

- tall people should have their own sections at standing concerts. either that, or ban them alltogether. sorry, but they shit on your supposedly nice concert experience. [below: my view during 9/10 of the fray's performance!]

- secondhand serenade sounds awesome live! the lead singer really puts his heart into every song. me likey.

- the lead singer of 'the fray' is not cute. sorry wynna.

- apparently i have a "type" when it comes to men. sheen and i picked out a guy each at a club as a 'game', and i realised i always choose the ones who are an outright ladies' man who acts like my ex bf, jimmy. (no offence intended) confident and surrounded by women he loves showering with equal physical affection. im describing the guy at the club, not jimmy. but u know.

ANYWAY...

its 6am. the sky is light-blue-ing. i should dry my hair and hit the sack. i need rest! and my feet are killing me! ta!

.guys, him, concerts and parties.

yes, i have a new celebrity crush. his name is victor webster. not so much of a glamorous name, i think. but hey, the package looks pretty hot. :) he caught my eye on an episode of sex and the city, season 6, first episode. i've been lust-struck since. lucky samantha jones. she always snag the hot ones.

no, she's not my aspiration. just thought i'd make that clear.

nwayz, wynna and i will be at the tivoli watching 'the fray' in concert tomorrow nite! 'secondhand serenade' will also be performing. should be interesting. :) will keep u posted!

was talking to 'him' on the phone earlier. he's been stressing the whole day about jimmy's casino themed birthday party because he's in charge of the food. he's worried his 'french styled' finger food won't suit the guests. *hugs to him* im sure either way, it would be a blast. afterall, he's awesome. :)

anyway, he suggested that maybe for my concert, i should dress up all rock-chick like. black make up and all. hmm. could be fun, hey? will definitely consider how much effort it would take before i decide though. lol. we'll see.

hmm. wish i could make it to jimmy's party tomorrow night. i wanna see 'me babe' in a suit. :) although he's got waiter-ing duties, im sure he'd still look hot. :) i miss him heaps. we were on the phone earlier, and it took us almost 10 goodbyes to actually hang up. made me think of shayne ward's song. alritey, i'll leave you on that note :) -

p.s - if johno is reading this, again i'm sorry for missing your party tomorrow nite too! hope it'd still be a blast! if you guys go out after, i might be around the valley with friends... (mouzam is taking me out to celebrate his graduation after my concert!)

congratz for graduating mouzam baby!!! :)

.blessing or curse in disguise?.

currently...

... i've got a man in my life who makes me laugh and smile, who hugs me until i feel better or stop crying, who sits around and lets me talk or vent about anything and everything, who talks things out with me when we hate each other's guts, who patiently teaches me how to swim with my head above water and tells me i'm doing an awesome job when i'm holding on to him for dear life most of the time, who watches chick flicks with me and tells me we'll take salsa lessons together someday, who cooks me lunch and tries unfailingly to feed me vegetables, who prepares me a bubble bath and feeds me muffin at the same time, who makes the extra effort to make my friends like him because he knows it means a lot to me, who kisses my forehead at every chance he gets, who excitedly introduces me to his friends and then gushes to them about how great i am and how proud he is to have me by his side, who sits in the kitchen for an hour teaching me his language by making me read french cook books, who looks at me when i'm not aware then randomly points out silly little things i do that makes him smile, who tells me every time he sees me that i'm pretty, who spends half an hour helping me financial plan my expenses because i wanted to buy a bag i didn't need, who holds my hands when he knows i need support,  who tells me he wants to be the best in everything for me... oh, i could go on.

but this man, like every good thing in life, isn't permanent. (and not gay either.)

so the real question now is, how do i make sure i'm able to let all of this go?

p.s while i'm at this, i also wanna share with you another thing i learnt about french people... check out their keyboards - *yikes!*

.it was so worth it.

2 months since him and i first met. we spent the whole 17th and 18th celebrating down the coast, and had the best time ever.

i feel so relaxed... and sooo blooody satisfied right now. :)

.overthinking everything, so humour me.

ivan officially left brisbane today. hearts are emptier, im sure. i'll miss him alot. and here's my apology in advance for failing to stay in contact, cuz i really suck when it comes to that. :( but i'm sure we'd still be close regardless. same with stan. :)

right before ivan left though, we had a few long chats about everything. one convo that got me thinking the most was when ivan told me about my "before" and "after". 

he said, back in our high school days, i use to be more 'in control' of things. i took on responsibilities and executed plans and etc really well. a leader. he said it was a quality he admired.

but now, he said i either never improved or i could be losing it. he no longer thought that way of me. and i didn't know how to feel about that. worst yet, i somehow couldn't say he was wrong. :(

another thing i've been thinking alot about is this:

QUESTION FOR THE GUYS. 

i live in a house with 3 other girls. 3 other not-bad-looking, if not hot, young girls. if i met a new guy and took him home and introduced them to my girls, how would he feel and what would he think?

a. hey, her girlfriends are pretty cool. would be fun to hangout together. im so lucky. i get one awesome girl and the company of three others; or

b. oh my god. this is like the playboy mansion. i wish i didn't already choose one! the others are hot too! i wonder if im their type too. how am i gonna go about checking all of them out?; or

c. i think one is really funny. and that other one is really hot, while the other one is so nice. what if i make a better connection with one of them?! shit. get me out of here before i cheat.

d. hey, 3 other hot girls. maybe i can introduce them to the guys. they'd think i'm the man.

e. none if the above. [please insert your thoughts]

ANYWAY... here are some pictures to change the subject -

.im hot and im cold.

happy birthday my darling brother! bloody old fart. :)

short (or not so short) updates:

x. things back home are fine. fingers and toes crossed, and touch a million wood to avoid jinxing anything.

x. "he" made it to brisbane afterall. spent my after works on both thursday and friday with him. thursday night with his friends (i ended up going to the bbq and had a good time socialising) and friday night with my friends (and some of his).

x. glad he met my friends. he apparently loves them. (who wouldn't, hey? - i hang with awesome peeps!!) but im yet to receive feedback from my friends (if any) about my loud french guy and his psychoticness. :P

x. glad i spent more time getting to know his friends, and me and him are more than just me and him now. if u know what i mean. ok, i mean, im glad we can function together outside our own little world. (i admit, i had doubts.)

x. anyway, things started off weird because we didn't know where we stood with each other. we took the role of the "ex" for a while, until we finally caved at the bbq when he said, "let's just tell them we're a couple" and we leaned in for a long awaited kiss.

x. on a different note, i felt something really weird tonight when i saw one of my ex hand in hand with a girl who wasn't his girlfriend. made my mind race to the point where i started feeling angry at him. i dont know if its because i know and like his girlfriend, or because it reminded me of the time he cheated on me when we were together. felt like a slap in the face. like, "yep... he was probably doing the exact same thing when he was with u. and yes, that was how ugly he made u look to others." - out in the open, parading his 'mistress', taking her to social events with him, proudly introducing the new girl to his friends... where's the respect? :( oh, and it doesn't help that the new girl IS hotter. ugh. im disgusted.

ANYWAY...

x. i also hate the fact that my frenchie is hanging out alot with these kinds of people. people who believes in polygamous relationships. i wont call it "open" because these people are clearly cheating. its not a mutual "okay, we can see other people" kinda thing. it's the "suzie, i love u" and "jennifer, you're the only one in my life" type of shit. and the worst part is, they seem to feel proud of it. how immature and sad. but my point is, what are the odds that he's probably got someone else in the gold coast while stringing me here in brisbane, hey? heck, i can juggle that if i wanted to.

*grr* (the angry way, not the sexy tiger.)

.dark clouds.

right before i woke up this morning, i dreamt i was crossing a street in southbank and saw a dead cat... beside it was a damaged motorcycle and a tarap-head asian old man, bleeding and dead. i then look further and saw another dead cat... and next to it was a dead dog. then i saw the paramedics drive over. they turned out to be friends of mine from my foundation year (2003). they didn't seem to recognise me. - i then woke up feeling like crap.

today has been a bunch of bad news. i received bad news from home (kk). thursday (my day with erwann) isn't happening anymore because of last minute change-of-plans, and i was emotionally hurt by someone's words (although the hurt was mended by the end of the night- to a good-enough extent anyway.)

i'm gonna sleep it off. my eyes are puffy. sigh, work tomorrow.

p.s. don't ever take your parents for granted. call them just to say you love them at any chance you get. don't assume they know. you need to tell them often enough that they feel sick of you.

.dear thursday coming.

derek just posted another bunch of photos on facebook. totally random. there's one pic in there i wish to hack into derek's facebook account to delete tho... haha but one second thought, oh wells. i've got worse ones up there already anyway. (plus, i dunno how to hack)

BUT ANYWAYz...

he (my mr.oh-la-la) is coming up to brissie on thursday. so i guess this week is kinda like his turn to come to me. which is awesome. love how he picks me up after work. it always feel like the day just showered a million roses over me. :)

ON A LESS ROSY NOTE THOUGH... him and i had this sms-conversation last night -

him: Pierre is doing a BBQ on thursday night. i want you in my arms.
me: so did you want to meet before or after the BBQ?

him: i meant i want you to come to the BBQ with me.

me: oh, but wouldn't you want time to catch up with Pierre?

him: it's okay. i want to be with you.

me: but you haven't seen Pierre for a while. wouldn't you want time for guy talks? wouldn't it be weird if i was there?

him: ok. forget about the BBQ. i'll just see you after you finish work.

:(

clearly, my pushie-pullie indecisive attitude didn't impress him. lol. not to mention, today he shot me another message saying "i don't understand why you had to make such a simple thing so complicated" - i can't argue with that. sigh. it's a birth defect. boo.

but can you see what i was trying to do though? i wanted to give him room. didn't wanna be the clingy "must-bring-her-everywhere-i-go" type of girl-friend. (note to self: not a couple anymore) plus, i thought maybe he asked for courtesy purposes. totally reasonable, no? but he combated my reason by saying -

"if i invite you, it means i want you to come. i don't bother with courtesy invitations. i thought you knew me."

but everythings fine now. he called earlier, and we talked. i explained/apologised, he accepted. so it's all good. :) a bed of roses once again. *yes, roll your eyes at my cheesy grin*

okay. time for bed. thursday, come soon! xx 

.ivan's leaving brisbane (again).

QUESTION: when u wake up 7 minutes before your alarm clock is suppose to go off, do you go back to bed? especially when you know in 7 minutes, u need to get up to head to work? *brr*

today, i watched "he's just not that into you" again... at the cinema. honestly, its not THAT great, but for the second time, i teared up. lol it must've captured me, one way or another.

ANYWAY, we threw ivan a surprise going-away party last night. pictures are already on facebook. *kudos to derek for the efficiency* safe to say, we had a good time. made ivan puke after a couple of quick shots, so yea... mission accomplished.

here are some pics i snagged off facebook -

p.s. - its probably not apparent from the pics above, but we had a theme. :) in honour of ivan's colour fetish, it was "ORANGE". *rolleyes* :)

p.s. 2 - thanks for borrowing me ur dress sheens!

.thoughts on the bus.

was on the bus, on my way home and listening to my mp3 player. pretty typical, but i found myself thinking about something quite unusual...

i thought back of all the guys i dated (not like there're many *cough*), and imagined how my life would be like if i was still with them... 

i thought of the things we use to laugh about, and tried imagining myself still laughing at those jokes years later... some, i saw myself smiling. some, i yawned.

i thought of how my cousin, melissa was massaging her husband's head earlier tonight because he had a headache, and asked myself whether i would willingly do those things for anyone of my exes (assuming they were still my boyfriend at the time) in the middle of a social scene, in the midst of yapping away with my friends.

i thought of how i'd feel when the relationship turns serious and i'd finally allow myself to lean on him for love and support. would he be able to handle it? would he do enough to keep me feeling content with him?

in my mind, some exes crashed and burned. some, meh. bottom line though, i'm glad i (or we) made the choices that we did... because really, it truly truly wouldn't have worked. at least we're smart enough to not waste too much time forcing things. hah. don't get me wrong though, most of my exes are nice people.. some incredible. :) i hope they know who they are.

and yes, i know i have a part to play too.. but these are my imaginations, so i get the liberty to think of whatever aspect of my imaginary relationships as i wish. so beat it with the "do youuuu think you'd be good enough for him?!" questions cuz i'd think of that in my own time, thank you very much.

hmm. 

anyway, i drove to the gold coast yesterday. yes, in derek's words... i totally caved. i had a good day with him though. great, in fact. :) and thats all i'll say for now.

xxx

."twilight" made me reflect.

i watched "twilight" with the girls today, and three things jumped out and made me think -

- 1st thought -

Edward Cullen: That's what you dream about? Being a monster? 

Isabella Swan: I dream about being with you forever. 

***

the ever famous word, used between couples who are either naive (aka delusional) or unfailingly hopeful. "forever." im sure i've blogged about this before... but i can say, until now, the word still makes me feel weird. when was the last time you told someone you would love them forever, and is completely confident that you would/can? (parents/family not included) 

are these people just kidding themselves? or is there a silent implication that 'forever' also means 'now'? or is this an issue where when one (eventually) falls out of love, he/she would argue their defence on the fact that they "honestly tried/wanted to... but shit happens"?

soOoo... if that's the case, i really need to just chill it and live in the moment, hey? so, he says he will love me forever, i'd say me too. what's the big deal? after all, u're an idiot not to realize that a year from now, we'd probably be falling asleep in someone else's arms, uttering the same empty words that the moment has lead us both to believe... don't u think? so hey, chillax. savour the moment while you're satisfied and content with this person. say forever! yell it to the world! :)

sorry. i just sound bitter, don't i? hehee.

now... you're gonna laugh, but somehow, despite all the bullcrap i've said, i still look forward to the day i hypocritically use it. "i want to be with you forever." yea. someday i will say those words and feel like a mean it. 

till then, HAHA.

- 2nd thought - 

teenagers seem to "know what they want". they can forcefully argue with the world about who they "love", what they like, who's the bitch/slut, and more. is it that they don't know better because like the older people say "they just kids!"? or did we really know better back then? when we weren't polluted by all the cynicism and skepticism that age and bad experiences had shown us?

- 3rd thought -

Edward Cullen: I leave you alone for two minutes and the wolves descend. 

just quickly, if you've watched twilight... is edward cullen a possessive boyfriend? is overprotectiveness = possessive? am i the only one who finds this trait a little sufforcating? am i gonna be called out on having some sort of 'commitment phobic' again?

sigh. time to rest. ta!

.can no longer express myself.

its been a week since i last saw him.

but my feelings for him are still the same. :(

was at the gold coast with derek, ivan and wynna today. i could've seen him, but i didn't. although i wanted to, so much. hmm... for some reason, that thought makes me feel more upset than actually not seeing him.

i told ivan yesterday that im fine. that i dont feel the pain. instead, all just feels numb. it really does. i told him maybe its because my head has taken over my heart. ignored whatevers going on with the heart, and move on according to what the head says. logic & rationalism has prevailed.

do i feel sad? - i shouldn't. 

am i happy? - ... i dont feel that either. 

... but i do know that lately, any remotely sad movie can make me cry. my alternate emotion-outlet?

maybe its PMS. yea. that must be it.

p.s. my baby sheensie poo is back in brissie!! yay! more good says ahead! :)

p.s. :( i knew it could've been love...