.nothing important.

brissie's weather is already getting too cold for my liking and winter isnt even reaally here yet. as much as i don't like being fried by the summer sun, freezing under my doona with icy cold toes aint any better. sigh.

good thing is though, united won themselves the upperhand in the 1st leg of the UEFA semi-finals. although we're only up by one home goal, at least no away goals appeared on the scoreboard. :) me happy.

anywayz, me, ms.no-life-and-no-money has also started a new addiction. thanks to wynna (my dear little sister) for recently purchasing season 1 of gossip girls on DVD. looks like i'll be spending lots of time on my ass in front of the tv.

yep, one couch potato coming up. how attractive. sigh.

p.s. job hunting to date hasn't been fruitful... im keeping those fingers crossed.

.its all about the dollars.

did some calculations today (seeing that i have nothing else to do)...

apparently to "make ends meet" for the next two weeks, i have only $43.20 to spend from now until next tuesday, and another $43.20 to spend from that coming tuesday to the following tuesday. and that is not including the average of $20 i pay in petrol each week.

$43.20... sigh. thats about $6 a day? hmm... i wish we still stayed in the times where $0.50 can buy us a nice bowl of noodles. wait, scratch that "$" sign... i meant "RM". perhaps i should move back home?

but sadly, RM0.50 noodles don't exist in Malaysia now either.

looks like i really need to step up on my job hunt, as well as perhaps thinking of getting a second part time job to make it through the tough days. at least until steady income starts pouring into my life.

sigh. behold, the sad life of a law graduate.

.mis-using the beautiful gaze.

my baby left for the gold coast 10 minutes ago... somehow i miss him more than ever this time around. :( we didn't do anything special, but still... something about us today stuck with me. sigh. feeling slightly emo now. hehee...

p.s. we watched million dollar baby! i thought it was really sad... but overall, an okay movie.

ANYWAY

(on a different note, as always)

i was wondering if this ever happened to you when you're dealing with a person. [dealing = customer service, giving someone directions, helping someone out, etc]

so, u're dealing with a person of the opposite sex and this person suddenly looks into your eyes with theirs... their gorgeous heart melting eyes... and you simply couldn't look away. you feel a connection, and couldn't possibly imagine them not feeling the same. its like their eyes are smiling back into yours, like there's something calling out to you saying "i have something you would love to explore"... and then... they walk out of your life, going on with their day, leaving you thinking... "was there something, or...?" (dramatic, i know... but you get my point right?)

Anyway... if you have experienced that before, here's my question:

have you ever thought that maybe this person KNOWS they have that special gift (gorgeous eyes) and is using it with you and every other guy/gal they're dealing with because its their way of getting what they want or simply a way to feel great about themselves (at the expense of misleading you)?

have you ever imagined that this person could be silently thinking, "haha... hooked another one. so easy. she/he was ready to fall at my feet..." ?

if so,

what a bitchy tease. [imagine if they added a wink to it... *sigh*]

hehee... sorry, excuse me.

i know its a weird and very sudden thought.

i mean no offence to anyone with beautiful eyes...

unless u, mr/ms beautiful eyes are guilty of the above self-pleasure?

hmm...

.to those who feel they can't give.

yesterday i caught myself thinking... 

"if he knows my relationship history, he should know that i'm doing and giving so much more than i use to. hence, he should feel lucky and shouldn't expect too much of me."

but really... what bullshit.

fact is, he has all the rights to expect the most from me, if not all that i have... because ultimately, its for "our relationship". 

regardless of how my past use to be, fact is, if i've made that decision to be with him, how dare i ask for concessions on how much i feel i can or should give? especially when its made in comparison to what i had given someone else before. shame on me!

rather, i should be feeling that i want to give him all i can... in fact, i should especially want to give him more than what i've given someone else before if i truly want him, and "us" to work. and really, he shouldn't have to settle for or tolerate anything less.

... and if u (u being anyone who has thoughts like the above) think thats unfair to u and honestly feel u can't possibly give as much as u know u can and should because of your past or personality or whatever and thinks he's not being understanding, i think it really means u're not ready to be in a relationship. especially if your counterpart is already ready to give his/her all.

bottom line... either don't be broken or don't waste anyone's time.

.phone, money, calls, anniversarry & movies.

choices for my new mobile

im due to upgrade my mobile next month. 

i HAD my mind set on the nokia e71 (white)... until i realised, maybe i really didn't need all that extra functions. as tech-savvy as i am *ahem*, a phone really is just a phone to me. so i rebrowsed the three website and found the samsung f480 (pink) pretty appealing.

here are the considerations that are affecting my choice -

x. nokia is on the $49, samsung is $29: essentially, all i need is $29.

x. to access the internet via the nokia, i need to pay another $5 extra per month. doesn't seem much, but it adds up. and really, is it necessary?

x. future use: nokia is more business-like with internet access and etc. (ivan told me how he emailed his resume to a company DURING the interview. i thought that was cool.)

x. three stores might not have the pink samsung.

x. my baby thinks i'd make use of the nokia functions once i get it. (he was the one who convinced me that im 'tech savvy' - hehee)
x. review says that the samsung is lags alot. dammit.

now... WHICH DO YOU THINK? - help please? :)

3 to 3 free calls

one week into my new billing cycle and my free calls on both phones (total = 600 minutes) has been used up. crikey!! my baby and i got addicted to the phone. 2 hours a day on average, its no wonder we're dried. :( hopefully we'll do better next month.

anniversarry

3 months since my baby and my first date. :) we celebrated with champagne and lots of kisses. 

today he accidentally said "i love you" after i helped him with something. it was funny. we both fell into an awkward silence for a few seconds, knowing it wasn't really an "i love you" but still felt weird because those words, for the first time were spoken out loud. HAHA... he's lucky i'm not some freak, otherwise i would've start packing my bags to move to france :)

smart movies

my baby has been exposing me to different type of movies lately. ones that were completely unlike my usual rom-coms. well, i'd say, like all 'girlfriends', we tend to conform. (ask sheena why she started watching kill bill - haha!)

so this week at blockbuster, i rented -

x. good will hunting (it was pretty good)

x. million dollar baby (yet to watch)

next week, i'll be renting -

x. gladiator (not really looking forward)

x. the bodyguard

x. ... some al pacino movie. (will reconfirm title later)

he also said i MUST watch "sweeny todd". wynna is gonna roll her eyes. she's been trying to get me to watch it since forever. well, now it looks like i will be giving it a shot after all.

lastly, movies me babe and i are yet to watch -

x. pixar's cars (his choice)

x. twilight (ours)

x. jerry maguire (his choice for me)

x. the bodyguard (his for me)

x. sweeny todd (his choice)

x. the latest x-men (his choice - i havent agreed)

ok.
*yawn*

'nuff said.

bed time.

.a short update.

been having lots of bad dreams, almost nightmares lately... 2 nights in a row now. hmm. i wonder whats up. and its really scattered too... i hope no more tonight, otherwise it'd put me in another one of those weird moods...

and i dont need one of those moods... especially not tomorrow cuz my babe is coming to brisbane to see me!! :) cant wait! we've got the whole day planned out already! (nothing special.. just little things to do together) ... we're watching fast and furious. yay. (yes, i intentionally left out the exclaimation mark)

ANYWAY... will check in with u next time. need to sleep earlier tonite! cheers!

.bucket list.

something i thought i must share. :)

so, i've been thinking. to succeed, i really need to build my self confidence in the legal world... hence, i will be seriously considering volunteering at the caxton legal centre for experience. i just hope i qualify for it... imagine not even qualifying for volunteer work. sigh.

anywayz, i watched 'the bucket list' last night with the girls. it was pretty good. very touching. made me think alot... made me wanna start a list of my own. i know derek, ivan and i have a list, but those are short term ones... now i want a long term. and a serious one. so, we'll see.

hmm. the movie also showed us how having filthy rich friends can really help. HAHA. but no, we're not that shallow. *ahem*

ANYWAY... if you had the choice to know exactly when u're gonna die, do you wanna know? so u can do all u wanna do and plan everything u possible can? or would u prefer to live everyday the way u do now (perhaps taking advantage of each breath) and not know until the time comes?

i think i don't wanna know.

.names for the imaginary ones.

dont mind my self indulgence... :) i'm just feeling really relaxed and happy today. sure, inevitably, there'll be more heated moments between him and i in the future (heated in every way possible) but today, i'm feeling very content with my life.

my boyfriend is a sweetheart. :)

we've been trying to think of baby names for our made-up family of 6. [don't gasp. no one is pregnant!] but it was amazing how there were no names we could agree on. his names were simply too french for my liking, and mine were apparently too english and didn't sound good when pronounced with the french tongue.

then one name jumped out. Aurèlie. :)

well, we were both happy about the name for a while... until our next debate when he realised his last name would make the name sound weird. Aurèlie Le Ny. that'd make somewhat of a double sound. to make things worse, we agreed to have my family name included too... which would make our poor baby's name "Aurèlie Lee Le Ny". 

in his words, "poor girl." and i can't agree more. doesn't help that my girls (sheen & wyn - the biatches i love) are already making fun of my imaginary daughter's name with their constant "ohh reaaallyy?" play on words everytime i said the name.

so, him and i finally gave up on baby names and agreed we won't get married or have kids. tragic. hehee.. :)

guess we'll just have to be happy with sam the monkey.

.smiling again.

its 3am, so i shouldn't get too much into it.

so i called him today,

and for the first time...

i made a full and sincere apology

for all the things i said.

for my insensitivity and the bad reactions to his words.

for not trying hard enough to understand his words,

for clamping up when all i had to do was be open to compromise.

for not making things easier when i could have.

and him,

being the guy i know,

insisted on taking a part of the blame.

told me it took two to mess things up.

and he apologised.

i guess this means...

we jumped another hurdle?

hand in hand. :)

gee.

this is so unlike me.

but im liking it.

hmm...

i must really like this guy.

:)

.questions swimming in circles.

do i never compromise? is that why my relationships never last...? because at the first signs of 'the need to compromise', i bolt?

then when i do feel like i'm compromising, and my partner tells me there's more to do... even the tiniest thing, i'd feel overwhelmed by his request. is that normal? or am i being a stubborn baby? OR is he asking for too much and beginning to take advantage?

then again, how can i say he's taking advantage when its just something so small? something he tells me he needs to feel more secure with me? see, instead of thinking he's asking for too many little things, why can't i think its me who needs to step up and do these little things to make each day we have together happier?

... and how do i get rid of the thought that "if i keep giving in to him, he'd start thinking he's right all the time and start thinking im the one who's always wrong"?

am i the type of girlfriend who doesn't offer enough emotional security? am i really the selfish capricorn? thinking of no one else's feelings but her own? always feeling i'm deprived? always feeling i have a point, so people should understand MY feelings instead of the other way around? - shit. that really is me. shit. shit shit shit.

so... tell me, do we sometimes just need to suck it up for the team? yea, so its not my usual style... but if i can call it a "tiny request", why can't i just adhere to it, right?

geez. feels like its been a while since i opened the "ask your heart" sack and did some valuable self reflections. i usually just sleep things off and act like everything is normal the next day. another selfish act, i know. sigh. i feel tired already.

so sherlene, what now?

.wish i didn't live this story.

A Night Turned Cold

by lenniez

she had a good day at the coast today. a good day with lots of hugs and kisses and an expensive dinner at a malaysian-indian restaurant to celebrate "3 months since we got to know each other". then suddenly... someone pulled a switch on them.

"someone" meaning she didn't know who/how/when/why/what...

so she packed her things and left his house just after midnight after another heated argument about a new issue, an old issue, an issue that apparently had always been bugging him, the issue they had when they broke up the last time, about his hurt feelings and her's.

as she grabbed her shoes and headed for the door, her anger grew when he said, "did you want me to walk you to your car?" - her car was parked out back! it was midnight! the visitor's parking was dark! what was he thinking?!

stubborn as hell, she said, "no thank you" curtly and walked out into the dark. she heard the door slam and lock behind her. painful. she was ready to cry. she stumbled to her car with her bags (handbag and a bag of clothes/makeup/etc).

she then heard the door open. hopeful. she slowly dropped her things in the car and slowly walked to the driver's seat... she started picturing herself falling back into his arms and making up/out like always. as more seconds passsed, she slowly got into her car. waited. started her engine. waited. turned on her lights. waited. still no sign of him...

with a round of new found frustration, she shifted her gear into reverse and drove off; she was so angry at everything. at him.

.thinking you know doesnt make you right!.

here's a question:

when you're in a relationship, tough times are inevitable. but how many rough times do couples have to go through before they can agree that there're simply too many 'rough times' and that the fact is, they're just not right for each other?

here's another question:

the longer you are in a relationship, the more you'd learn about one another. sure. but why use these "know hows" about each other to start preempting each other's reactions and thoughts? especially the negative things? and using these negative things to make 'negative predictions' of you, giving you no chance at all to prove yourself otherwise?

for EXAMPLE, he says...

"i know you're gonna sleep late and then be tired when you see me tomorrow. if that's the case, i'd be annoyed, so maybe we should cancel tomorrow?"

how its annoying? [if you can't already work it out yourself] : 

x. so if i want to keep u happy tomorrow, i cannot show signs of fatigue at all?

x. so if i don't cancel, it means i'm promising to no keep tomorrow at high energy at all times?

x. so if i do end up seeming tired, you're gonna patronize me and claim your right to be annoyed because of your earlier 'prediction'?

x. ...and then after that, any future plans we have will have to go according to your predictions because you were right the first time?

SORRY. i know i'm overthinking. but i'm just so freakin annoyed. see,  if you wanna express your concerns, how about trying it with a less condescending tone? like, "i hope you get enough rest tonight so we can have lots of fun tomorrow." - how hard is that?

argh. hate it when plans are spoilt before they even begin.

***

ON a completely different note, MU won FC Porto!!! the UEFA champs are soOo staying in the battle to retain their title!! woot woot!! AND... the cherry on the cake? - RONALDO SCORED THE WINNING GOAL! and it wasn't just another goal, it was an AWESOME one! wooOoohOooo!!! my baby is awesomeeeeeeeeeee................... :) :) :)

.random photo to share.

okay, here are more pictures!! :)

pic #1 : mr.mraz in action. oh... did my little heart melt.

pic #2 : me and sels all dressed up, at the concert.

pic #3 : me and my baby. just wanted to post that up cuz this picture makes me smile. hehe i was gonna take a picture of us, and because i was so short (compared to him) he had to scoop me up to put me at his level. hehe... :) sorry, in my own world.

pic #4 : as mentioned earlier... i won $2 with stan's easter egg scratchie!!! thats a picture to capture the great moment!! :) hehee!

.in the presence of true artistry.

incredible. awesome. flawless. superb. absolutely breath taking. completely mesmerizing. oh, i could go on.

jason mraz is so talented! i could simply drown in the emotions that he effortlessly teases out of me with his amazing vocal talent... sigh. its love at first live listen. :) lol.

Sleeping To Dream - Jason Mraz

***

on a different note,

i dreamt about being with M-L again.

... and i hate it.

i dont mean i hate being with him.

i meant, i hate dreaming about him.

because it robs me of my present happiness.

clouds my mind of my true wants.
blurs the reasons behind the tuggings at my heart.

convinces me of the lies that i could be happiest with him.

turns me into a corny sounding piece of crap.

*breathe*

.a few easter days in photos.

11th april 2009 - fishing at manly with the group, including my baby and jimmy. didn't catch much, but it was still a lot of fun. :) [don't mind me and my babe's lack of fishing enthusiasm. we're not exactly fishing people. :)]

later that day, we did a mini easter egg swap between a few of us. :) i got stan's egg, and weeeHeee!! it came with "scratchies!!" - i won $2!!! haha! thanks stannie!! after egg swapping, a few of us went for drinks at 'the regatta' at toowong. it was pretty nice. derek got lots of action... LOL :)

12th april 2009 - McMel returned from their long vacation back home in Malaysia. plans for their surprise belated birthday party got a little "aaaah!!" but it all worked out well in the end. poor MC fell sick!!! :( hope he's better now! *hugs and kisses* (winks at mel)

13th april 2009 - stan's trip back to brisbane came to another end. :( again, we had maccas for brunch before sending him off. :( *sob sob*

right after dropping stan though, we met the others at the coast for a day out.

that was nice. definitely cheered us up alot.

but anywayz, at the end of our long extended easter celebrations, my last words are - "I MISS YOU STANNIE!!!!" *muah muah muah!!* come back to brisbane again soooooon!!!

***

p.s. i miss my baby too.
met him for about 5 minutes today for a quick hi, kiss and bye while i was at the coast.

he's partying at klub kandy tonight.
he better remember the rule:

"see no touch!!" :)

... hmm...

probably should tell him that if i was gonna call that a "rule" hey?
but im sure he knows already. hehee.
trust, thats the key. ;)

ANYWAY...
thanks for a great week guys!!! HUGS!!!

.chubby but smiling!.

im absolutely beat right now.
(spent the day fishing then pubbing!)

but i just wanna say...

i've been really happy about me and him since we got back together. :)
really am.

the only bad thing is,

i've been so happy, im beginning to GAIN WEIGHT.

sigh.

this gal is turning into a big fat cow...

soon he wont have arms long enough to wrap around me.

merde.

.forget my previous entry.

yes. me and my babe are back together. 

i know, if you've been following our journey, you'd probably be sick of our on-and-off relationship status quo. but as of now, we're definitely back on. :)

somehow, somewhere, we've discovered that "feelings" trump all problems. so, yes. :)

AND also, its true - kissing and making up is so much fun! xx

p.s.  i washed my sheets today, so yay!! clean sheets tonight!! :) loooove that feeling!

.another lost battle.

our dreamland crushed as reality sunk.

some couples just can't survive the real world.

like the 'us' we once were.

to be honest or not?

to say things or not?

to reveal thoughts and feelings...

or to keep them inside?

i no longer know.

so till the day i can list the lessons i'm taking from this chapter of my life,

i'd say my experiences has taught me that either way, 

you still sink.

so here's my ever so reliable 'fall back' excuse:
"i guess he just wasn't the right guy."

i just wish there were more smiles at the end of such a surreal and once beautiful journey.
instead, we couldn't even fake one,

nor did either one of us tried to.

i think that hurt the most.

.our last picture as a couple.

excuse the melodramatic-ness of the picture.

its my blog's tradition to post one up.

EDIT: the above news is outdated.

.signs or superstitions?.

my gals and i just got home from clubbing with my brother at his friend's birthday party @ the met. :) Happy Birthday Felix!! it was an okay night for me. my frenchie and his french friend came as well, so that was nice. :) and of course, STAN was there! :) the man is back in brisbane! woot woot!

clubbing aside, 2 things i just wanted to jot down here -

#1. today i was outside the jewellery shop i worked at, reading their new posters, while waiting for my frenchie to meet me. i thought it was funny how as i read the words "...you've found the one...", i turned to my right to see my frenchie walking up to me. i wasn't expecting him that soon, so i took it as a sign. not a sign that he's "the one", but a sign that there's something good here. :)

#2. frenchie said he wanted to get a boost juice for 'breakfast', so we went to boost together. after he ordered, the lady asked "what name was that under?" (to mark his cup)... and to my surprise, he said, "sam". 

i looked at him and asked (not in front of the lady, of course), "why sam?"... and he says, "because they can never pronounce my name. and when they try, i never know they're calling me." 

"no no," i said, "i meant why the name sam?"... and he arched an eyebrow and said, "i don't know. it was the first name that came to mind. why?"... and i looked at him, not totally believing it and told him, "sam is MY fake boost juice name." 

he gave me look. "why sam?" he asks. "short for samantha. a name i always liked," i told him.

"aah..."

so... wow. we have the same fake boost name. i took that as another sign. :)

.feelings change, but why?.

remember that thing you realllyyyy liked yesterday, or a week ago, or a month ago?? that car, or magazine article, or celebrity, or sweater, or shoes, or dress, or guy/girl... remember all that feelings you had for that particular thing/person? and how much you want it? the urge? the desperation? and all those fantasies you create in your mind becuse you want it that badly??

then YOU GET IT, only to realise that as another day or week or month or year pass you by... you don't like it that much anymore. or even like it at all.

now here are the questions: 

1. where do those feelings go?

2. does that mean you never really liked it in the first place?

3. is it possible to find those feelings again?

4. why do feelings just change like that?

5. how do you stop it from changing?

HELP. :(

.harrassed at kmart - not april fools!.

im just gonna come right out and tell this story:

today sheena and i were trying on some boots at kmart when this guy walked up to me and asked me for the time. i told him, and he thanked me and walked off. then, as i was returning a pair of boots on the rack, he came over to me and asked me something that i just had to make him repeat because i didn't... i mean COULDN'T register. he repeated himself. and yes, to my dismay, i had heard him right the first time -

"do you want to have sex?"

what the fuck? what the bloody flying fuck?

i glared at him, wrinkled my brow and gave him an exaggerated "noOooo..."

***

ON A HAPPIER NOTE -

my april 1st pranks were awesome. i managed 3 big ones on my babe, selina and ivan. major LOLs. then some minor ones with johno, jimmy, mouzam, sheena, wynna and my cousin carmen. it was all good fun despite the 'i hate yous', 'you b*tch' and 'you're evil!' exclaimations! :) thanks guys!!

and yes yes, i know karma. selina already got me back. that cow. but alls good! haHa! happy april fools guys!! you're lucky if you didn't get a call from me today. ;)