.victim of my admission.

i recently admitted that i get defensive in arguments very easily, and tend to argue defensively a lot.

now, disregarding the efforts i feel i've been putting in to change this 'habit', tell me, do i at least deserve a little benefit of the doubt that sometimes i may actually be arguing 'properly'?

because it pisses me off that now, as soon as i say something in an argument, it automatically becomes, "ooooh... sherlene is being defensive again! thats why she's not backing down!"

but what if i really disagree with something thats being said?

can i not say something without people thinking i'm taking things personally and being defensive?

AND ON THE OTHER HAND...

honestly, where's the wrong in saying something to defend myself when i actually do feel the need to speak up for myself?

NOW, be honest... reply as anonymous if u want, i promise i wont do an IP check. please tell me -

am i just being defensive again? or are people using my 'defensiveness' to judge my credibility and to simply overule my words without merits?

aaaargh!!!

p.s. i hate it when people refuse to open their minds to the fact that their words actually ARE OFFENDING ME, and use "you're just being defensive again!" as a way to make me feel stupid for feeling offended when any so-called "non-defensive" person would have felt offended anyway!

.cheating in your dream.

so... this week has flown by, like all the rest. again, i got nothing i wanted to get done in terms of job seeking. whats wrong with me? feels like its going beyond simple laziness...

i need to spark that ambitious fire in me again. cant loose my focus. tips, anyone?

anywayz, i had a sudden thought about this:

Is there such thing as 'Dream Cheating'?

#1. is dreaming about being intimate with another guy/girl [when you have a bf/gf] considered cheating?

#2. if no to #1, does waking up and feeling great about the dream make it cheating?

#3. if no to #2, does constantly replaying the dream in your head [because it really did feel great] make it cheating?

and okay... obviously trying to LIVE THE DREAM IS cheating. BUT... 

#4. if the guy/girl you dream about is an out-of-reach celebrity, does it mean doing #1-3 is definitely NOT cheating?

and now, if along with all #1-3, the scenario is also #5 or #6 as below, issit cheating?

#5. if the guy/girl in your dream is someone you presently have a platonic friendship with? or;

#6. if the guy/girl is someone you're only casually acquainted with but whom you find attractive?

cheating? yes or no?

... and okay, last question:

#7. what if the guy/girl in your dream is someone you have a major crush on?... if one does all #1-3 plus the person is someone as stated in #7, is it considered cheating?

***
i know...

one hell of a chain of thoughts.
welcome inside my mind. :)

.disappointing day.

well, to be fair, its currently only the first half of the day... but the amount of disappointment i've felt has made me just want to crawl in bed and wake up tomorrow. [with hopes that it'll be better than today]

i guess the whole world now knows that united put up a very weak fight against barca this morning in the UEFA champs league final this morning. i felt its the result of making wrong decisions from step one. *cough*anderson*cough* but oh well, gratz to barca. a truly worthy opponent.

after the match, my guy called and i snapped at him because it sure didnt take alot for him to irritate me that morning. my mood was like piss (like wee wee) after the match, mainly because it didnt suffice to swear at my players, so i ended up complaining about puyol. [sorry barca fans, i HAD to blame someone!] 

ANYWAY... not grasping the "never defend your girlfriend's enemy; i'd rather you shut up" concept [especially when she's obviously just venting her frustration], he told me not to attack puyol for united's loss. granted, the phone conversation ended very abruptly.

i then rushed to my staff meeting in the city, dreading the $6.00 + 2 hours travel for just a one hour meeting. not to mention the pain of carrying around a low mood in a very tired body.

when that was over, i texted my poor bubby and told him i'm sorry for snapping at him. no reply. when i got home half an hour later, i texted him again to ask if he was doing anything today and if i could come over to hang. no reply.

another half hour later, feeling all remaining energy sucked out of my body from watching endless youtube videos, i texted him to say i wont be coming. he then called. apparently he had fallen back asleep after the match. he told me to come, but i truly couldn't find the energy to. (mind u, he lives on the gold coast, 45 minutes drive away) so the conversation again, ended awkwardly... and again, i'm left feeling down.

anyway, in the midst of my melodramaticness... i found a few movies that i've decided to watch aaaand i'm gonna share them with you [the link takes u to their trailer on youtube] -

• obsessed - starring beyonce knowles.
  
• the ghost of girlfriends past - starring matt mcconaughey & jen garner
• the ugly truth - starring kathetine heigl & gerard butler

.lucky lucky me.

another great weekend with my dearest... :)

with minimal arguments, lots of laughs and lots of fun. he bought dinner and cooked up a "gratin" for my family on monday night, which was awesome. he also made me eat salad, which really wasn't that bad. :) major brownie points!!

my baby also had fun at garden city that weekend; drinking up another large bubble tea and shoppaholicking. 

bought himself a pullover and a new pair of jeans... and we both kinda realized we're beginning to become a memorable couple at a few stores/shops... i guess thats kinda nice?

oh... also, lets not forget.

he got me a 4 months anniversary gift.

check it -

so speechless...

but, me likey. :)

ps: im in no way complaining (or showing off), but hey, this is my 5th purse (as a gift from a loved one) this year... whoa. but awwww.... im so loved!! :)

.words are all we have.

currently playing:
thank you for loving me - jon bon jovi

***

her: i feel i can do anything, make any face or look like crap and you'd still like me. i'm so tempted to dress myself as ugly as possible and see how you'd react.

him: try it babe. you'd probably make me laugh. and i always like how you make me laugh.

**

him: if you're lucky, one day you'll find someone who will love everything about you.

her: maybe one day is now...

*

her: babe, we've came such a long way. who knows, if you weren't leaving,  (fake dramaticness) we probably would've lasted foreverrr and eveerrrrr... 

him: (serious tone) i think so.
her: *speechless*

***

hmm...

in case u're worried for me,

(that im fallin' for a guy who's leaving.. yarda yarda yarda)

don't.

as much as i feel i'm truly getting hooked,

we got into another argument less than 24 hours after that conversation.
whether on purpose,
i don't know.

but it'll probably do me good, hey?

.too much of a good thing?.

today on the bus, listening to my mp3 player, i found myself associating every love song with him. 

it was a good feeling having thoughts of him fill my mind completely. very rarely does that ever happen. usually, with every different love song i listen to, the different lyrics would automatically bring a different guy to mind. but not tonight...

after a few tracks, i started to panic. simply cause i know i CANT let him be all i think about. especially when my poor heart is on the line. 

so here is a reminder to myself, in case i've forgotten:

"he's leaving in october. for good. so don't get too attached."

yup, duly noted.

p.s. here's something that'd sound more like myself -

see,

that personal message i left on msn...
i wasn't referring to him :)

*dramatic suspense music plays*

.why is it always about guys?.

here's a popular question directed to girls, particularly me:

"why do you always talk about guys and/or relationships?"

despite popular belief, its not because my life only revolve around that topic. rather, its simply because guys/relationship is a topic that i think is guaranteed to create conversation among people, especially with my fellow female counterpart. 

why? because i find its a topic that anyone can easily relate to or has a story to tell (whether of someone or themselves); because it encourages responses and opinions from whom you're conversing with; because its a topic that would spark interest in most people because they can easily find an interest in the matter.

ie: if the topic is 'men', guys would wanna say something to defend their race, while girls would wanna share her story about how she also can't seem to figure out some guy even in a completely different scenario.

its a topic that encourages discussion. you need opinions. you need them to respond. and in their response, they have to fish into a more personal side of themselves. at least a little.

sure, politics, the economy and current affairs will win you smart/sophisticated/knowledgeable points. but unless you're speaking to someone with the same passion and level of sophistication for those topics, most others will be scratching their heads and/or yawning. (on the inside, at least) - and as far as im concern, these smart people hate talking to idiots who gives them stupid responses.

sure, personal interests and hobbies like animals, sports, charitable doings and etc can strike up awesome conversations and find you a new friend. might even score you some cool/nice points. but again, you need to find someone with the same interest or it wont work.

sure, bitching and gossiping is fun... but trust me, its less fun listening to bitching and gossips when you don't know who the bitch/gossiped person is. and you cant contribute if you don't know. and again, trust me, standing around and only saying "yea, thats bitchy" isn't considered much of a conversation. PLUS, u have to be careful when bitching and gossiping! it is after all, a veryyy small world!!

on the other hand, talking about the weather, about your career goals and plan, and talking about random topics like whats on sale at Woolworth or where to get the best chicken rice are topics that wont last for more than 5 minutes.

HENCE... i personally find that talking about relationships encourages longer and more entertaining conversations because everyone gets a go, everyone could have differing opinions, everyone will have a different experiences, everyone can agree or disagree and explain why, everyone may learn something useful from others, everyone would mostly be talking about themselves thus leaving less chances of offending others...

and THATS WHY I TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE...

BUT, thats just me. feel free to disagree. :)

.happy 4-months-since-we-first-met anniversary.

our 4th month anniversary... 

we had a good weekend together. but like always, with lots of ups and downs. one moment we're laughing, the next we're arguing up a storm, then we're back to being all huggy & cuddly again. :)

we had lots of fun moments together though... those including the few times he said "i love you" by impulse when i did something 'amazing'. lol the both of us also out-noised a birthday party table of 8 during our anniversary dinner. he was very proud of that. i also met his boss and colleagues that night. im still hoping i made a good impression.

we then went shopping and told the sales girl at tarocash (ashley) that "we don't do love" when she made a comment about us being blinded by love.

tell you what he loves though... *rolleyes* [clue: picture below]

xxx

.pointless.

im not feeling well.

maybe i'll be better tomorrow.

.football, pcd & love story.

if only i studied IT... i'd be packing my bags to fly to manchester for this job right now. argh! to all web designers out there who are die hard MU fans, good luck!! this is your opportunity!

speaking of the amazingness of MU, they're officially 1 point away from retaining their EPL title! a title hat trick people!! woot wooot!! :) last night they came back from the dead and beat wigan 2-1...

the only unfortunately thing about that match is that ronaldo may be turning into the next beckham. he's truly beginning to piss off the boss man. who dares shout at fergie?! tsk tsk tsk. my boy really needs a knock on the head. & REALIZE HE SHOULD NOT MOVE TO REAL!!! :'(

ANYWAY... i'm addicted to PCD's bottle pop's official video clip. only cause the girls are so sexy. nicole in particular. i love the whole face art thingie she has going on in there. and the winks... im always a sucker for winks.

oooH... borderline sounding gay now. im gonna shut up. just watch -

for the full video. click here.

aaaand... you're gonna call me super outdated, but suddenly, i find myself really liking taylor swift's love story. i just read the lyrics today, and thought, "hey... this is actually really sweet." and really sweet is a good thing. :)

maybe i can get D to play it while i try out the vocals. *hint hint* check it -

Love Story - Taylor Swift

.no real purpose; just feelin'.

my baby called just before he went to bed. called just to tell me he was thinking about me. *glows* we've been missing each other a lot since we said goodbye at the train station yesterday. its the side effects of having an awesome weekend together, i guess. can't wait to see him again on sunday. :)

and yes, the above are his stuff. :) i swear the boy accessorises more than me. me likey though.

spoke to derek earlier. found myself missing him too. i think we should go for drinks or something sometime soon. and while im talkin about derek, i thought i'd post our most recent picture up (cuz i like it) -

its a good pic, no? :)

but imo, it still can't beat my other favourites. tee hee!

alritey...

me gonna start sleeping earlier now!
so, goodnight!

.a boost from nature.

i got somewhat addicted to editing my new blog layout. yes yes, lame as hell, but thats me. what else can i say. :)

one thing i did wanna talk about however is about something i noticed lately -

somehow i find that when you're in a relationship, being around different types of couples and seeing how they interact, actually does good for your own relationship. 

well, i'd say it helps me at least.

i realised that by being around happy couples and noticing the little things they do, like a peck on the forehead or an exchange of a goofy grin makes me miss my significant other more. its like i'd get extra excited to see my guy because i want to be or look as happy as what i saw.

at the same time, being around unhappy couples and listening to their problems make me feel thankful that things are going well with mine. or if mine's not doing all that good, i'd feel less disappointed in my own relationship because i can see that other couples go through the same types of obstacles too.

hmm.

:) just a random observation of how my surroundings play an important role in my life.

just for the record, i'm really happy now.
and i think my baby is too :)

.fluffy gifts, gals and guys.

:) painted my baby's nails earlier... 

now they match mine!

lol why do girls like to do that?! 

its cliche, i know. 

but we do it anyway. 

haHa... my poor baby.

p.s. i absolutely love his weird little cute pinky finger! lol

he bought me a gift today... a "i just wanna buy u something" gift. :) left it on my bed as a little surprise. and i love it. the surprise and the gift! it was a fluffy pink robe just in time for winter. and from the looks of it, i'd probably be cuddling it to bed too...

im a happy girl.

and just some random blabs -

x. since when do "best friends" (of the opposite sex) automatically gain the rights to be "next in line" when you suddenly realize you're looking for someone? its funny how they think, because they've "always been there" and "know everything about you", if one day, you were to fall for someone, it MUST be them. shame on them for feeling no shame! tsk tsk tsk.

x. teenagers ARE crazy with the drama. i remember myself back in the days. but tell me, is it their innocence thats allowing these shameless emotional outbursts? or is it immaturity thats causing their inability to control their emotions? hmm.

x. last night was girls night + my baby. we were talking about girls, bitches, drama queens and sluts. then i proceeded to suggest a few ways to "manage" them if they tried to put their dirrty claws on my guy. i think i scared my baby. but he did promised never to lie. :)

x. my baby called me his "fluffy toilet tissue paper roll"... i think the fluffy robe has gotten to him too. lol but toilet roll? *puzzled* i dont think that'd sound cute in french either... good thing my baby's cute. lol.

alritey peeps... laterz!

.a therapeutic night out.

last night, sheenie boo and i went out clubbing ALONE for the first time ever. usually we'd at least have one guy with us, for security purposes or simply to make a bigger group. we didn't realize it until we were just about to exit the highway on elizabeth street in the city. funny.

but little did we expect, the night actually turned out great. and it was just what i needed.

and the caption on the photo is correct. sheena went by the name "frankie" that night, and i called myself "sheena"... it was fun. im not sure if its was the anonymity or the thrill of lying that made it exciting. 

and for the ladies, just thought i'd list some of our effective stay-out-of-trouble lines when fanning off guys at clubs, without appearing bitchy (AND still keeping the cuteness) :

#. "no, thank you" *smile sweetly*

#. "sorry, my girlfriend just broke up with her boyfriend, and i'm not leaving her." *smile sweetly*

#. "my boyfriend is just standing over there. sorry." *points to a crowd of big buffy men then smile sweetly*

#. "thanks for coming over. you have a good night" *light tap and push on his chest (dont forget the sweet smile!) - look away and continue dancing*

and now, whats yours? :) share the love!

oh! and here's another story i wanted to share!

this one guy came up to us on the dance floor and said "what are you doing?" to which i answered "enjoying the music!". he then said, "can i enjoy it with you?". i gave him a thoughtful look while tapping a finger on my chin, as if really thinking about it and then said "no". he was speechless and i was laughing inside...

[don't do this. with the wrong guy, u could get into a lot of trouble]

but yea, we'll definitely be hitting "the exchange hotel" again. :) sheena thinks its the next best thing to fridays and me agreeeee wholeheartedly :)


p.s. im still in the middle of a cold war with my baby. its been going since tuesday. it doesn't look good. *sad pout* i dont know what to do. really dont. :( - i did write a song about it though.

p.s. sheens, thanks for last night. :)

.letting a part of myself go.

been spending today reading. reading these stuff -

#. defensiveness

#. psychological defensiveness

#. low self esteem

#. how to talk to yourself

its not a lot of fun, but im hoping it helps with my problem.

1. i need to stop being my own worst enemy. 

2. i need to learn to breathe and relax. 

3. i need to learn to accept that sometimes, it doesn't matter what people think of me. 

4. i need to learn that i am not useless or a failure. 

5. i need to learn to listen. 

6. i need to learn not to take everything so seriously. 

7. i need to learn that my way is not the only way. 

8. i need to learn to believe that not everyone speaks with bad intentions, hence i need not feel threatened or pressured to defend myself. 

9. i need to learn to say "i don't think so" if i disagree without diving into endless excuses.

10. i need to learn not to care what people think about me, no matter how false.

.to love and support... but to what extent?.

i had another random thought while watching dharma & greg -

as a couple, you try your best to support your other half in the things they do and believe in. but have you ever been caught in a situation where you some-what (not entirely) disagree with something, but have to stick it out and stand beside them because you're suppose to? as a couple?

here here, im not talking about doing things that are against the law. im talking about the little day to day things. like things you would've... done differently? or thought differently? or even just behaved differently?

for example - your boyfriend wants to complain about a bad service. you think he really should just let it go. but he's adamant in making a point to the persons in charge. do you go with him? and when you feel you could say something to help, would you say something? (and risk... perhaps, feeling embarrassed in public? because its not your usual way.)

OR... on a different note, what if your partner is a little bit like dharma? u know, very... umm... out there? or eccentric, as they call it? see, you probably find him/her cute when he/she acts that way when you're alone with each other, but how do you react when they do it in public?

#. do you react your normal way by laughing and perhaps telling people "thats why i love her" despite people thinking your partner is a little nuts? (because that's love? *rolleyes*) 

#. do you hide your face and pray no one familiar is watching? then quickly try to stop them or pull them away to somewhere more quiet and secretly hope it'll never happens again?

#. do you just stand around with other people, agreeing that your partner is a little crazy and saying things like, "this is one thing i'm still praying she/he'll change."

#. do you get mad at them and then threaten/warn them with "don't ever do that again or i'll...!" type of lines, making sure they never embarrass you like that again?

cuz yea... it just made me think, whoa. how far would i go to be this supportive figure? 

other random examples: he wants to return a shirt that he has already worn because he thinks it doesn't feel right; OR he wants a free meal because the waitress was very rude; OR he wants to complain about not having enough lettuce in his mcdonald burger; OR wants to argue with someone because he feels he should be offered a seat on a full bus; OR he wants to sing on stage at a corporate function when you know he's a lousy singer (but he thinks he's good); OR she gets on a table to perform a stiptease when she's got quite a huge not-so-sexy belly and/or can never shake to the beat...

yes, in my years of dating different men, i have found myself in situations somewhat similar to the above, feeling very VERY uncomfortable, but still sticking it out to protect/support him. but at the same time, i also remember telling myself -

"well sherlene, lets pray you'll find yourself settling with someone that won't go too far off tandem with your own way, beliefs and outlooks in life."

p.s. yes, sheena has outlined to me the possibility that I could've placed my partner in the same type of situation before, where he had to stick it out for me. (i know im super opinionated and weird and dramatic...) - thank you, by the way. :)

but the question is, what do you do?

when are you allowed to say something without sounding like you're disapproving or embarrassed or unsupportive of them? without making it sound like you're abandoning them to face this cruel and judgmental world all by themselves?

.i have it now.

oh let me self indulge. :)
been working on a video today that ended up getting too personal. so, i left it off youtube because that is the smart thing to do. here's however one that's been filtered and edited for your viewing pleasure (if you can be bothered to)... hehe behold... the "sneak peek" into my personal life beyond the words -


funny how this video was made after yet another argument with my guy. guess this video would either be "part 1" or "part 1 and only"... we'll see.

nevertheless, he did make me very happy.

can't really jinx myself when i've already said "he did" right?

imisshim.

.buddha festival & .... drinks!!.

brisbane's Buddha Festival (Wesak day celebration) was on again. it always make me feel close to home. reminds me of the times i use to go to the temple when i was back in Malaysia. been a while since i last prayed with the incense... dont know why, but prayers made with the incense somehow feels more 'serious'? haHa...

i missed silently whispering the same prayer lines my family always use when we prayed. all spoken in cantonese, with a little mix of hokkien. funny how i was brought up with the impression that my God and Goddesses speak those two languages, which made praying in english feel odd. :) thats just me though...

ANYWAY

after that day, the next day (sunday), we thought and thought and realized... "isn't monday a holiday?" aaaand of course that also meant, "drrrriiinkkkkksss!!"

derek asks, "whats the occasion?"
me says, "labour day? wooooOOoooo!!!"

oooH! and also, "themeeee.... whiteeeeeeee!!!!"

so the happy people came together once again... *thanks for the good night guys!*

***

ok. on a different note,
i've got a 6am start tomorrow (today).

so, nitey nite peeps!

xox

.how'd you feel if your best friend got married?.

6 points clear. yep. united is another step closer to retaining their premier league title. oooH... fulham just equalized against chelsea. HAHA... *touchwood*

ANYWAY...

today at work, two best friends came into the store. one was in the midst of planning her own wedding, and the other was hoping to find the perfect ring and then the perfect timing to hint her boyfriend to propose. :P

it got me thinking... if one day, my bestie got engaged, how would i feel?

#. "shit... is xxx gonna propose to me too?! but.. but... buttt im not reeadddy!!"

#. "shit... sss is getting married... what about me? does xxx even wanna marry me?"

#. "shit... so marriage is on the menu now? damn... im back to not knowing what i want!!!"

:)

has anyone (reading this) already gone through 'watching your best friend (of the same sex) get married?' - how did you feel?

im feeling a little jittery just imagining it. if selina gets married and im not even close, goddamn... i'd imagine myself not being able to sleep at night. lol... seriously.

damn... chelsea just scored another one. 2-1 now. gooo fulham!

.timing matters.

why should 2 people not get together?

"bad timing"

thats a good a reason.

thats a bloody good reason actually.

see, as oppose to people like me and frenchie. we're together now because the timing is great. he's here for a year, and i meet him 5 months into his year here, right after he's had enough time to look around and try to decide who to share the rest of his holidays with. :)

i, on the other had just learnt that i couldn't handle a serious he-could-be-marriage-material type of relationship (at this point of my life) and that was when i met frenchie. a guy who's sweet and loving enough to give me something special (not just some sleazy casual fling) but at the same time, none 'forever-able', just the way i like it.

so... yes. timing is important. so right now, to all other "propositions" (whether they were serious or not), i'd have to say the timing is off. i have frenchie... and i'd like to keep what we share for as long as i can. :)

thats also code for: try again at the end of the year. HAHA *joke* - ahem -

[then again, whether the timing is on or off really is rather subjective, no? im just saying. heh.]

.expiry date stamped.

5.06am - i officially finished season 1 of gossip girls in 2 days.

ANYWAY

i picked out this line from one of the episodes. spoken by dan to his girlfriend serena when it appeared to him that something was troubling her -

"why dont you tell me whats on your mind, so it can on our minds, then our minds can worry about whats on your mind together."

i thought it was really sweet. :) sounds a little like my babe. the part where he twists english sentences round and round (which i find really cute) and also the part where he's always getting me to empty my brain/mind/thoughts on to him... and i know its because he cares. :)

so hey, guess what?

4th october 2009 - his flight back to france has been officially booked and confirmed. 

sounds kinda contradicting with my previous "he cares" statement, hey? but if you know our story, you'd be as clear as i am about the fact that this romance isn't made for "forever and ever". (thats if i even believe in that whole concept)

it still feels weird to know the exact date though. its like knowing your favourite item's expiry date. not to mention, this item has been discontinued, so u can also forget about trying to replenish when this one runs it course.

but im taking comfort in the fact that he felt weird too when making the reservation. proves he's probably in this as much as i am? since we both felt "weird" about the (now, very real) fact that he's indeed leaving...

ok, im starting to ramble.
*exhale*

im gonna take a nice hot shower and curl up in bed.
still hate the freezing toes part. :(