.its a wrap!.

"i was waiting for the moment i knew for sure what i wanted," she says.

"actually, there were a few," he tells her. "but u laughed them off."

***

have i really been that blind?

see... i'm not proud of 2008. mistakes after mistakes were made on my part. i lost my ability to be decisive and lost the ability to communicate with my heart. my head took over too many times; and i was too vulnerable to prevent it from reigning. i became an emotional retard.

in the midst of all the drama however, i met several kind souls. ones i would still hold out my hand to, and be there for. ones i truly wished for alternative and more forgiving circumstances between us. you guys know who u are.

if only things were different for me this year; if i was less skeptical, less anal, less emotionally bruised and battered, more trusting and my guards were less stubborn, i think could've ended this year smiling... and with warm hands.

so begone 2008! and here's to a new year, with new hopes, new dreams and new loves.

2009 NY resolutions so far:
* find a full time legal job.
* curse less.
* drink less.
* exercise more.
* develop a more regular/normal sleeping pattern.
* believe in fallin' in love.

.feelin' somewhat PMSie.

i dont think i've been THAT busy... i wonder why i havent found time to go online (long enough to blog anyway). maybe its the "stan effect". every time he's back in brissie, doing nothing with him is better than doing anything online. HAHA deep huh? nah, im just exaggerating. i've just been lazy.

so, another new year is just around the corner. last year's december and this year's is definitely different in many many ways.

here's what i've been up to in a nut shell:


Xmas Eve: work - then, drinks at work and our little secret santa. dinner with leon at hanaichi. mini gathering at home to drink into xmas. fell asleep drunk.

Xmas: redcliffe - crabbing, oystering, fishing. soaked in sea water and rain water. late dinner with friends. open gifts - love them all!!! thanks guys!!! [btw, i got TWO GUESS PURSES! - one from selina/cyrus and one from stan! (my old one ripped and now i've got 2 new ones! im so loved!)]


Boxing Day: shopping - over a hundred dollars gone at westfield chermside.

Post Boxing Day: work - then went to Guess. bought myself my first Guess bag and is now broke. then had drinks at fat louie. came home drunk. fell asleep and only got up the next morning. [no!! there is no drinking pattern!!! im not an alcoholicc!!]



***
yup. thats it folks. there arent many pics (not as much as i'd like anyway) cuz selina's cam is with her sis in malaysia. boo. lol but still, sigh... i cant believe this was 2008.

... i honestly didnt like it very much.

.i wish i wasnt serious.

*REAL CONVERSATION*

this convo took place on sunday between "my friend" and a fish monger -

FM: good afternoon.

MF: good afternoon. i was wondering if you can suggest me a good fish for steaming.

FM: that one is good. *points at a fish swimming in an aquarium*

MF: is it fresh?

FM: ... uh... of course.

***

lol if you didnt pick up what was wrong with the above conversation, you're just as silly as me!! *cough* i meant my friend! haHa... oh well!

happy christmas y'all!

.things u didnt need to know.

i feel sooo lazy aaaand tired; but i feel compelled to post an update. lol :)

x. stan is back! yay! thanks for droppin me at work today! xxxx

x. the girl on the greener grass... yep, the grass just got even greener. lol happy for her tho!! xxxx

x. stan just made a calculation based on my best and worst list, and we found out who had the worst year among the 4 years. *ahem*

x. its good being able to talk to stan again. its like, anything goes! and there's so much to fill him in on. :) im yet to ask him aboaut his complicated love life tho... he better be prepared.

x. wynna and sheensie has left brisbane for the remains of 2008. what a shitty year, we've all concluded. altho wyn's took an upwards turn that'd keep her smiling into the new year. :) [yes, do refer to the previous random fact]

x. tomorrow is a big chinese traditional celebratory festival thingie. will be cooking. REAL food too. i hope i still remember how to steam fish.

x. i've been flooding my mind with questions about relationships; its giving
me a headache. seems like a lose/lose situation for now.
sigh.

***

i need sleep. neeeed sleeeeep!

.the girl with the greener grass.

oh envy envy. :)

someone very dear to me went out on a date today. an actual date. u know, the type i havent experienced for a while now. *not hinting!*

it was an honest, "i'll take you out tomorrow night at 7." kinda thing. a "he picked me up and spoke to my family" type of date. also the "he made reservations at a restaurant" and "he naturally insisted on picking up the check" kinda rare occasions. ooh, and not forgetting the "he drove me home, said goodnight and made plans for the coming friday night" type of scenario... :)

i dont know bout u, but i think thats all really sweet. very 90s type of dating style, but so dearly missed and not to mention, so very underrated.

and despite what u may think about paying for dinner, no, its not an issue of being materialistic. its what most girls would find a gentleman-ly and courteous act. and no, it doesn't mean you have to pay for every subsequent meals. lets just say, first impressions really do count.

.feelin' light.

prettyyyy rite? :)
its a treble clef and a bass clef.
and yep, im thinking what u're thinking.

sheensie is leaving back home soon... and so is wynna. the house is gonna be a little emptier. thank goodness stan the man will be back and staying with us. :) cant wait till that dumbass comes home!


and james... no, no story. yet. ;)

.this and that.

been a few days since my last update. much has happened. much.

the girls celebrated their birthdays in pajamas and had a blast, while their pajama wearing guests were all great sports. and the drinks... whoa. the drinks... yea. :)

but party and drinking aside... my personal life took an unexpected turn. for better or for worse, its still a little premature to pass judgment. but we'll see.

on a diff note, i saw a shooting star last nite, and made a wish. :)

and again on a different note, i was wondering. if u've been confidently sure about something u've been feeling about yourself, say u know u're currently very comfortable where u are in life at the moment, can that change in a matter of days? hmm. i'm skeptical... and confused. hmm.

but hey, no one is rushing me to decide what i want. so thats good. guess i'll just go with the flow. besides, i owe it to myself to only accept things when i feel 100% about it; the least i can do is stick to that promise, yea?

im thinkin of getting inked. for real. im thinkin to get it before the new year.

.hey, she reads.

my latest read: "the lost diary of don juan" by douglas carlton abrams.

im only on page 48 at the moment, but so far, its quite good. didnt really like his way of writing and his choices of words at first, but upon further read, you just ignore the technicals and flow with the story, which is quite good.

the story of history's greatest lover afterall. how can that be boring rite?

anywayz, its mum's birthday today! :) weeeHee!! happy birthday mumsiee!! had a short but nice chat with her earlier, which was good. somehow only when i talk to my parents will i feel a strong surge of emotions, whereas if i dont call home or hear their voices, i'd be completely fine.

*sigh*

but hey, december is really birthday crazy huh? first dad and sheena, then wynna, and now mum! its a wonder how we keep up with all the hype! :) oh... and lets not forget, it was britney spears' birthday on the 2nd as well. ;)

speaking of hype, friday nite will be the nite where sheensie and wynnie officiate their new age. if u know what i mean. hahaa should be fun. will keep u posted.

till then, its 7.03am. i know who to blame! and u know who u are! lol

.reality; really?.

the baby of the family is now 18 years old. whoa. where did time fly?

it feels like a blink ago when she was still a little fry; when her world revolved around powerpuff girls, barbie dolls and playing teacher to her hundreds of teddy bears. :)

its hard to believe how many real blinks ago those times were. my baby sis is now 18. 18! somehow, no matter how many times i say it, i still can't believe its true.

imagine: "jie, i'm going clubbin with friends. dont wait up!" - omg. she's really 18.

:) happy birthday loser!

.your inspiration.

was listening to this song on my mp3 player this morning. it was me and mahfuz's song. these few days have been odd. 7 years later, i find myself in the deep end of mahfuz's life once again. yea, i've recently became the confidante of the latest heart mahfuz broke...

its a weird feeling. listening to how he treated her and how he's been treating her... i realized i no longer recognized who he is.

what happened to the guy my heart literally ached for 7 years ago?
___________________

i was also thinkin today...

u know how song writers get inspired to write songs? inspiration to string words melodiously from digging into their deepest emotions? emotions expressed in writing as a beautiful cry to the world about how significant the other person is to them?

instead of wondering how it feel to be that inspired, i truly wonder how it feels to be the source of such beautiful inspiration...

.my reality tv.

today, i witnessed a man proposing to his girlfriend in the jewellery shop i work in. she said yes. we popped a champaigne and they toasted. then 3 happy sales girls finished the bottle after work, and i criss-crossed my way home.

anyway, just a random thought i had on the bus; if i had a reality tv show about my life, it'd be called "... so where did it go wrong?" - and of course, the focus would be on my love life... over the years. perhaps even dating back to 13 years ago, where it all began.

the first few years, maybe 4 years will be fast forwarded of course... then we'll try to dissect things and dig deep into the deep end. maybe then we'll (or i'll) be able to see what the true problem is.

*ahem* - this doesnt mean there's definitely a problem though. :)

oh wow. a whole new level of self-absorbness. :) cheers! xx


_______Update: _______________________________
by the way, i've found a theme song for my tv show. :) it'll be played at the end of each episode, when we break up. (we, being the guy i'd be dating in that episode) it'll be ryan cabrera's "i will remember"... i think thats highly appropriate.



lol i know im being lame.

sheena said maybe at the end of each episode, i should highlight a "lesson learnt". but then i realised, i havent really learnt much from each. if anything, i've only become more skeptical; which also means less happy.

remember the times when we were still naive and hopeful? sigh. now all that innocence have been replaced by skepticism and the inability to trust. where's the joy in that? sigh.

YEP. MAKE MY SHOW!

.tagged; 15 facts about moi.

.tagged by wynna.

State 15 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself. The 10 people i tag are to then follow my footsteps and write their own 15 weird things, habits and little known facts.

x1. i have a thing about sharing saliva.

those who knows me well would know this. i dont share food or drinks after someone has saliva-ed it. i dont use sauces that others have double dipped in. not even my family's. *terrible i know* but boyfriends are exceptions. and at times, when im intoxicated. :)

x2. i dont eat my vegetables.
i know im 23 and not 8 anymore. but i dont like em. the juices taste ewwie. but like the above, there are exceptions. i dont mind broccoli. :) and yes, i eat fruits.

x3. i get really annoyed by sneezing.
not only when someone sneeze around me (cuz i also hate people's breath in my personal space) but i also get annoyed when i sneeze more than once in a row. maybe its because it makes me feel out of control, and being out-of-control annoys me. :)

x4. i get very emotional when i talk about my dad.
its weird, but regardless of whether its happy or sad talks, i tear up when i think or talk of my dad. i just miss him alot, i guess.

x5. i have a thing for indian guys.
yes, i am aware i am an oriental asian girl, but i can't help feeling attracted to indian men. not sure if its their sharp facial features or because i like my guys hairy. hahaa TMI, sorry.

x6. i got my first love letter when i was 10.
and he was the cutest guy in class. :) but i accidentally left it in my school uniform and put it to wash, and it was completely gone. :(

x7. once, i watched dirty dancing about 10 times (if not more) in that one week.
i borrowed the dvd at blockbuster and had one week before it was due. i liked it so much and wanted to make sure i watched it enough before i returned it. so i did. (or overdid it) - i then bought the dvd. lol

x8. my wardrobe is really plain.
most of my clothes arent those that follows the latest trend. they're usually simple. thats why you'd probably catch me wearing the same clothes i wore a year or 2 ago.

x9. i almost drowned as a kid.
i think i was 2 when i feel into a swimming pool. thankfully my brother saw me and yelled out for help. an aunt ran over and pulled me out just in time. probably the reason why i dont like being underwater much.

x10. i overdose myself with things i like, making me dislike it really quickly.
i dont know how to explain it. but i do it all the time. with food, snacks, movies, guys. when i like it, i keep eating it, or watching it, or surround myself with it (or him) all the time, until i just get sick of it. bad, i know. but i really likeD it.

x11. i love food really sweet or really salty.
my instant noodles have less soup becuz of that. i overuse lee kum kee becuz i love flavour and saltiness. i love white choc cuz its sweeter. i put too much sugar in my tea, but i love it. :)

x12. my mind is constantly in the gutter.
u'd probably know that. although of coursee they'd be days where i'd have other things on my mind. :)

x13. i was first runner up in shot-put when i was 10.
i was skinny as hell back then, and was selected to represent my primary school's "yellow house", and got 2nd place. :) woohoo! everyone was shocked. i was awesome. lol.

x14. i sang in a band called "the anonymous" when i was 15.
lol nothing big. we just entered lots of singing competitions and etc. the first song we performed was "kiss me" by sixpence non the richer. derek was in the band too. lol

x15. i love thrill rides.
yea, im a dare-devil in that sense. im unfazed by the rides in dreamworld. of course i'd be panicky, but i'd still go for it. :) maybe i shud take trips to the US and try out the stuffs they've got there. i heard they're nuts!

People I tag:-
1. derekus
2. ivan
3. james
4. mike
5. leon

yep, like wynna, im only gonna tag 5. besides, those that i've tagged, they probably wont even do it. hahaa... so yea. there u go. tag job done.

***

on a different note, i went to bed listening to iron and wine last night. yes, phoon intro-ed me to him. and yes, the songs do bring back memories.



hmm. why now.

.till death do us part.

was watching trista and ryan's $4m wedding earlier. the officiant, reverend clint hufft said a few things that really tugged at my heart strings. it was then i realized the beauty of wedding readings.

i liked how the reverand reminded them that despite joining together and becoming one entity, they're still two individuals; and they can grow together and individually. :)

u know, with the amount of hope and love that is embedded in those words that are exchanged and spoken at the ceremony, its a wonder how people can get divorced. when that happens, really... where does the love go? :(

like i told leon, marriage suddenly feels so out of reach for me. and i mean a truly long lasting, committed and love-filled marriage. as much as i want someone to love and hold for better or for worse, its painful to say im afraid i do not have that to give in return.

not now anyway. maybe things would change when i meet the right one. *fingers crossed*

and *awww* the reality tv show couple are still together 3 years later, with a child and another baby due soon! i knew the love i saw in their eyes at their wedding is true! :) i hope it keeps burning too...

" I love you, not only for what you are,
But, for what I am when I am with you.
I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself,
But for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out. "

.EX-pectations.

my gurl friend, sheena turned 22 today!! [note the space between the word gf; i dun wanna offend wynna] we went to fat louie in the city, right before midnight and had a couple of drinks. it was a small group, but enough to create big laughs. thanks to the alchie.

today is also daddy's birthday! so happy birthday daddy!!! :) *sobs* i miss dad. :( ok, lets change the subject before i tear up. sigh. wish i was home...

***

ANYWAY,
on a random note, i realized another thing about myself today...

i can have pretty weird expectations, and yes, i'm thinkin about something specific. ex boyfriends related. i realized how, despite breaking up, i kinda expect my ex boyfriends to be great guys. lol yes, im serious!

its like... i kinda expect that months or years down the track, i can meet them again or hear stories about them about great or nice things they've done or said or accomplished. im not sure if the satisfaction is for them or for me. maybe i just enjoy the feeling of telling people - "yea, that great guy... i dated him once." - a reflection of my good taste perhaps?

then again, i guess some may say, "that great guy that sherlene lost." - BUT, nah... thats silly. after all, there are many guys out there who'd do and accomplish nice/great things. i cant have them all now can i? :) HENCE, the way i see it... realistically, i should be proud enough just knowing i was the object of that great person's affection once. :) i'm a real nutter, huh?

and hey, it doesnt necessarily have to be something life changingly awesome, it could just be something nice. like, this one time i remember sheena mentioning -

• she was out having dinner with friends one night when she met both her and my ex boyfriend with their friends. when she told me that they left the restaurant earlier, i instantly asked, "did jason say hi?" - expecting my ex boyfriend to have the courtesy to do so despite us already broken up...

hehehee... i know. u probably think its too much, rite? seee... i told u... weird expectations!

but, in case you're wondering, yes. he did go over and said hello. and i thought that was very sweet. :) that said, congratulations on your recent accomplishment, jason! :)

p.s. i watched "laws of attraction" today. quite liked it. but it puzzled me... dont american lawyers see a conflict of interest when a husband and wife act as attorneys for opposing parties in a case? *too lazy to research*

.hey, can't complain.

finally, a blog layout i can smile at. talk about smiling, did u guys see the smiling moon and matching stars in the sky tonite? u dont get to see something that pretty too often...

another reason to smile: united bagged 3 points last nite. the cherry on the cake however is when chelsea failed to get any points against arsenal. yep, we're coming back up baby!

cookie dough, dough pronounced as "daw" rather than "dow"... another one of sheena's 'intentional' mispronunciation. today selina went into baskin and accidentally ordered it [out loud] with the "daw" and totally embarrassed herself. she also cracked herself up. sheena and i watched her as she whole-heartedly laughed again. that was another reason to smile today.

me ending my nite after a long and nice heart warming chat with carlo; i can't not smile to that fact. :) its been almost 10 years since our imfamous "huNnie buNnie" years. the time when mIrc was the ultimate chatting program, when everyone had a cyberlover, and carlo would leave quit messages that say...

"i luv you FUNkie, but not too much cuz i still wanna luv you more."

tonite, my playlist said my song is: "you can run, you can hide, but you can't escape my love" - escape by enrique iglesias. i wonder who. [lol @ my superstitiousness]

.last night and tonite.

so yep... saturday nite out with the kings jewellers wintergarden girls at the valley! it was our early xmas gathering before we get all tense and busy with the xmas sales.

it was a fun nitee... seeing the girls all drunk and tipsy! :) i was good tho... only had one drink. [cuz i was driving - and cuz i had enough to drink the night before] again, went pub/club hoppin. it quite a different experience with this crowd.

the places we went were different too. barsoma, the fringe, the mustang bar... lol. i've also been invited to the next "hellfire" event. check out the website and read the rules and dress code. *bite nails*

***

so, we've been playin this game at home with our media players. u know how u put your song library on shuffle, ask a question and get your answer from the song that randomly plays? tonite, we asked one question, "what is x's heart's song?" -

x. sherlene:
hold it, don't drop it - jlo [and yes, i dedicate the lyrics of this song to M-L]

x. sheena:
they don't know - savage [hmm... i reckon this girl is hiding something from us]

x. sherwynna:
unbreak my heart - toni braxton [i knew this girl's heart is secretly broken]

x. selina:
how to deal - frankie j [*tears*]

x. sherman:
touch - amerie [our house's secret slut]

... we thought selina's song was pretty spot on, because she's going through some struggles right now. her heart is broken, and because of that, so are ours. :(

x. cyrus:
let me hold you - bow wow [*more tears*]

talk about being spot on. :(

.summary of the night.

last nite, it ended up becoming mouzam's graduation night out; and an awessssome nite it was!

u see, goin out with mouzam is always fun... you get an instant boyfriend with just the perfect amount of strings attached. its like, we're together but not quite, so its breathe-able. not to mention, he's a person that i just connect with on the dance floor without even tryin. and it has always been the case. oh, and perhaps it also helps that i think he's hot. :)

[and i say this with all due respect to mouzam's girlfriend :) - dont look so shock people!]

he also introduced us to a friend of his, shane. veryy nice guy! sheena and i had a ball with them last nite, and a couple of other randoms. :) got home at 4am and still felt the rush.

one thing sheensie and i realised about the two guys last nite was how gentlemen-like they are. in a very natural way. we made a mental note to include that as another point to look-out for in men. :) it just makes a difference you know...

no newage play-the-game bullshit. they were just stand-out characters in their own way. it was so refreshing. we felt so cherished.

Congratulations on Graduating, babe!!!


soOo sherlene...
another nite out tonite.
its our kings girls' xmas dinner.
but wynna says there's gonna be a thunderstorm.
ugh. :( i just heard thunder.
noooot looking forward to leaving the house today!!

.random mind blurbs.

"men cheat because they can." sex and the city

- i dont see why women cant... so, ditto to that rule.

"everyone loves to be loved, but you reeeeally love feeling loved." anonymous

- my friend said to me. he may be right. wassup with me anyway? lol why that need? someting to convince myself of my self worth? perhaps.

"at least someone wants me." one tree hill

- yea. everyone wants to feel wanted. but does it make a difference what they're wanted for? is it enough that your family wants you? or your friends?... or does that line above only apply for someone of the opposite sex?

"she just made a plastic bag look damn good." anonymous

- that and many other things a guy could say to a girl. some may call it cheesy, heck, i would think so too. BUT when the same line is used by a guy who's different to you, you smile. u smile an awfully cheesy grin. like how i did... :)

ANYWAY...
im heading out with mouzam and his friends tonite. hopefully sheena's coming. :) have to admit tho, im not in the best moods for dancing and drinking, but we'll see what happens. will keep u posted!

xox

.aftermath.

you know whats funny?

its funny when misunderstandings are "worked out" and all pieces are laid out in front of you, and both parties can see what and where things went wrong.

but when that happens, here's a question: where does that leave all the words exchanged or spoken along the way?

sigh.

***
on a complete different note however, i wanna say thank you to a certain someone [you know who you are] who made me smile tonight. your very sweet and sincere words warmed my heart. thank you... for everything. :)

.victim of one's insecurities.

a friend advised -

"you shouldn't care so much about what strangers think of you."

well, i shall try to live by that, because i have been seriously misunderstood.

you see, its really funny how people like to see what they want, like manipulating a situation or words to suit them; and yes, in this instance, when i called it "funny", i meant it with utmost sarcasm.

yes, im annoyed. yes, im bugged. and if you knew what happened, there's no doubt you'd think i would be.

i believe my emotions are strongly based on the fact that i feel that i dont deserve this, and i took an emotional fall for nothing.

you should be smart enough to distinguish this:

its like if you're being punished for stealing and eating a cookie from the cookie jar, and being punished for stealing a cookie when you didn't, or

another 'example'; being humiliated by a guy you do like [my recent experience], and being humiliated by a guy you actually dont like [dont ask].

i personally think its always better to know you can look back and say, "yep... that cookie was sooo worth it." instead of being stuck thinking [and feeling]:

"what the hell was that for?"

p.s. yes, i had unfortunate recent experiences for both scenarios. *shakes head* thank God the year is almost over. i cant wait to put all of this year's shitty decisions and their dumb unnecessary consequences to rest.


update: so... apparently we were on a total different wavelength on this issue and the misunderstanding actually goes way deeper than what i was angry about. in short, i now see why he misunderstood, because there was a prior misunderstanding that had led to it. oh. nvm.

.a day to exhale.

colour me blue
i'm lost in you
don't know why i'm still waiting
many moons have come and gone
don't know why i'm still searching

don't know anything at all
and who am i to say you love me

hope - who am i to say

***

today, sand washed under me as three girls and myself sat in front of baby waves that were rushing ashore... im now convinced that the waves had washed away the heaviness in my heart.

today, i felt free. it could have been the company of my favourite girls, or the fact that the wind was prickling my skin, the sea water soaking my hair and bikini, the rain was falling on me, and i had a beautiful sight [of the ocean] before my eyes.

today, i realised a quality in a guy that could make me really happy, and that realization alone is worth smiling about, cuz i now know what i want. :)

p.s. i miss you esther!

.that's me? really?.

Happy Birthday Miaody!!! :) *loveeee*

yes, new layout again.

and depending on what type of internet browser you're using, you're gonna see that it looks different. i was gonna choose to go with one and ignore the fact that it looks ugly when viewed with the others, but then i couldnt bear it. so i decided to do the best for both... and viola. it sucks.

ANYWAY...
the girls were playing the "random song; question and answer game". got a couple of pretty mind-teasing answers, but one i can't seem to forget is -

"what do guys think of sherlene?" [sheena asks]

*hits the play button*


a beautiful mess - jason mraz

you've got the best of both worlds,
you're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
and lift him back up again...

you are strong but you're needy,

humble but you're greedy,

and based on your body language,

and shouted cursive i've been reading,
your style is quite selective,

though your mind is rather reckless,
well i guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is...

nice.

.the fake skeptic.

:) im living in lala land.
im missing him.
but i think im only missing the one i've created in my mind.

its silly, i know.
but at least i admit that. :)

***

its 6.44am on the 24th november. just over 24 hours after posting the above lines.

here i am, sitting in my empty living room. i've just awaken from unknowingly falling asleep on my couch after an unhealthy amount of alcohol shots. my contact lenses, still in, dry and hurting my eyes. good thing was, it didnt take much effort to bring moisture to my eyes.

u see... yesterday, i took a leap of faith. and i crashed and burned. yes, he, the one that i had not created in my mind, had officially broke my heart.

so, cheers.

at least now i can stop wondering whether my fictions could turn into reality. some skeptic i am huh?

*thanks for the company last nite gurls *muahs*, and for cleaning up, and the sweet note sheenie babe. i love u too.*

.all fictional.

:) im living in lala land.
im missing him.
but i think im only missing the one i've created in my mind.

its silly, i know.
but at least i admit that. :)

.mind games.

Down Mains Road
by lenniez

i was lining up for the bus this morning to get to work at the city. it was half past seven. when the bus came, my heart started pounding; i knew there was a chance he would be on it, also on his way to work. making the extra effort to look natural, i did a quick scan into the bus and caught a glimps of a familiar profile. i sucked in a deep breath.

being completely aware of my every step, i got on the bus. in my mind, things moved rather slowly. i thanked the driver, took my ticket and turned to find a seat. looking up expectantly, my heart sunked with a deep thump. it was not him.

i took one of the far back seats on the bus and stole a couple of glances at the could-be man, still trying to recover from the disappointment. as usual, i pulled out my mp3 player. the bus made its way down mains road. at every stop, i found myself looking up. hopeful. then disappointed. then feeling silly. was this really me?

the bus was suddenly crowded. like an unexplainable memory gap, he appeared; right there; standing beside me. without looking up, i knew for sure that it was him. his presense was unmistakable. mario's i choose you played into my ears. in that moment, it was as if my mind lost control of my being. i saw myself, slowly reaching out to his hand that was rested on his side.

it was warm; his hand was warm. all sensory nerve in my body shifted to where his skin and mine connected. i braved myself to slowly tighten my grip... and felt him lightly squeeze back. my eyes took in the sight that could only be described as surreal. i was holding his hands, and his holding mine. tears prickled the back of my eyelids. it was then i realised the ten thousand different emotions rushing through me, although among them all, i found myself mostly... terrified.

terrified he would pull away? or that he does not (and what that would do to my heart)? i could not decide.

i opened my eyes, not entirely sure when i had shut them. i looked around to see a half empty bus, still gently bumping down the never ending mains road. secondhand serenade's fall for you was playing. i loosely clenched my fist around nothing... realizing that nothing had been there. i exhaled, still feeling the slight moisture formed around my eyes; and feeling sillier than ever.

it was gonna be a long day.

***
diggin a hole and the walls
are caving in behind me,
airs gettin thin but i'm trying,
i'm breathing in, come find me

it hasnt felt like this before
it hasnt felt like home...before you

and i know its easy to say,
but its harder to feel this way,
and i miss you more than i should,
than i thought i could,
i can't get my mind off of you.

the fear you won't fall - joshua radin

.21yo jeffo!.

happy birthday jeff!
xox

and yea... if you haven't already read about it on the news, the weather in brissie is terrible!! hence, us being drenched tryin to get to our car that night. bleeeeeeer.

we girls had a great nite anyway! if only i wasnt driving, a couple of drinks would've been great. but overall, jeff threw a fun party. :) hope he liked the gift. we made it personal. ;)

xox

.moment's passed?.

was watching a movie earlier that again, made me think. when it comes to the right person, which applies?

x. if he/she is the right one for you, you just have sit back and it will eventually fall into place. (leaving it to fate and destiny)

OR, is it...

x. if u think he/she is the right one for you, you grab the moment and make things happen right there, right then; because when the moment passes u by, thats it for u and that person. (making your own path)

***

the reason i brought this up is because him and i had what it takes for things to happen, and i let it slip me by. now, despite how much i want that chance back and to live in those moments again, i know him and i just arent the same anymore. at least, i know its different for him now.

so, is that it for him and i? and i need to let go? because the moment is over and i can never get them back?

but... that can't be it. :(

.shivers.

sheena rented "closer"... we just watched it. im left feeling... exhausted. imagine relationships with so much regret, hurt, deceit, selfishness, grudge and brutal honesty. *shivers*

and i cant believe how many times the word "love" was thrown around. how cheap. *shivers*

oooh.... and u know another thing to shiver about?

a customer came into my store today, looking for an amethyst ring for a girl. [late 20s, white, blonde and skinny] found him one, and proceed to have a chat about it. i then slot it on my finger to show it to him, to which he commented "looked good one me."

from there, it just got weird. despite my unfailling effort to keep the conversation around the ring and the girl he was buying it for, he started pointing out more rings instead, and asking me to try them on for him. he then said he would get those rings for me if i was his girlfriend and that he has totally forgotten about his girl. (???)

he asked me whether i was taken. i said, yes.

after more uncomfortable chats (on my end, anyway), my colleague and work-mum, regina came to my rescue and told me she needed my help when im done serving my customer (not true)... and he got the hint.

*shiverssssssss*

no, he wasnt my type.

ANYWAY... found this quote from "closer" quite memorable -

Dan: I fell in love with her, Alice.
Alice: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one.

.gifts from the ex.

good samaritan

i was walking to my car under the rain yesterday when an asian lady stopped her car next to me, and told me to get in. taken off guard, i shooked my head with a smile.

i thought it was really sweet of her tho. since i was already quite wet, i'd think a stranger wouldn't want me to dirty their car. i bumped into her in the carpark, and thanked her. she was nice. God bless her kind soul.

seeing the past in the future

my workmate, regina wanted to introduce her daughter's boyfriend's friend to me. so she showed her daughter's boyfriend a picture of me, asking whether he thought his friend would like me. he instantly spotted my diamond heart necklace and asked, "she obviously did not get that for herself. who's it from?" - to which regina replied, "her ex boyfriend."

he then said, "why's she still wearing it? she's not over her ex, isnt she?" - regina's response, "so what if she's wearing it?!"

my defence

haha just thought i'd clarify things though... no, its not that im not over him. its been 3 years. im simply wearing it becuz the necklace is pretty, and since im selling diamonds now, i wanted to be wearing some. :) i havent wore it since our break up. it was only after working with this company, i took it out again.

lemme ask you -

its interesting...

x. are we really not allowed or suppose to wear/use things that were given to us from an ex?

x. does the goods/gifts really come to their use-by dates when two people break up?

x. cuz i still wear the necklace given to me from an ex 7 years ago. wore it for my graduation, in fact. is that wrong?

i really hope not. cuz if it is wrong... that's 3 out of 4 of my football jerseys!!! :( :(

***
that said, i really appreciate the nice things i've been given, whether i deserved it or not. i guess its just nice to have something that can remind me of the good days we shared together. :)

jewellery or not, a thoughful gift i can keep warms my heart. it reminds me how i was once that special someone to you.

.over-dreaming.

this feeling has been bugging me all day.

i woke up today, in the midst of a dream. a dream where wynna was falling (not literally) and i woke up before i got the chance to help her. the odd bit was how my grogginess didnt stop my mind from instantly shutting my eyes again, begging for the dream to continue so i can help her.

when it didnt happen, i felt a pangs of guilt and disappointment.

of course i know its a dream. i told myself that too. but the thoughts of that dream hasn't left me since this morning. :( hmmph...

talking about dreams, i've been dreaming alot lately. i mean, real-subconscious-sleep-dead-at-night type of dreams. and i could have 191629 different dreams every night, and wake up feeling like my mind never rested.

am i secretly stressed?
... hmm... nowonder im late. :(

.world of my own.

men: u wont understand this post and u will most likely misunderstand the reason behind this, but really, dont budge. im just a girl, afterall.

soOo...

today at work, i tried on "the" engagement ring. yes, i found it. the ring i want. my princess cut diamond ring, set and designed to exactly how i'd like it, with a top wesselton quality diamond too! [sorry, i didnt take a pic of it - yet]

it was no 'hearts on fire' but its better than how i imagined. my heart skipped a beat when i tried it on. :) it felt right.

princess cut diamonds

i was on cloud 9, dreaming about my wedding. i had the perfect ring, i saw the white dress, i heard the music, i felt the happiness in my heart...

... too bad all that has to come with a man.

haHa :) jokes.

For I saw us dancing through sunshine and rain
And I saw us laughing through joy and through pain
And I saw time passing but we did not change
And I still saw us together at the end of every day

Whenever you want it
Whenever you need it
Whatever you feel like, it's gon' be like
You better believe it

Whenever you feel like dancing
You don't have to dance alone, no
You know, you know, you know
You should already know...
I choose you

I choose you - Mario

.a friday nite for myself.

this would've been a good horoscope reading for tonite rather than tomorrow. lol as u can see, its almost 9pm on a friday nite, and i'm home alone... by choice. :) sadly, im enjoying the quiet time more than i thought. kinda makes me wonder whether my withdrawal-symptoms have gotten worse. hmm.

anywayz, wynna called earlier. told me they met M-L at the city. yea, the dude im crushing on. sadly again, the news didnt bother me or made me wish i didnt stay home. perhaps im really gettin over him. pfft.

made myself a nice dinner tonite. roti pratha and curry. :) watched some telly, and wrote a little part of a song. another silly song, yes.

alritey, gonna drown myself in music now. new kids on the block feat. Neyo's "single". me likey. :) [but no offence, im not a fan of the mv. respect to the nkob, but... they just look older, and older men tryin to dance with a young bomb... just didnt look good, nor did it feel right. sorry! - would've much preferred them to sit back and look cool, and let neyo do the dance floor work.]

anywayyy....

it dont matter cuz ur here now

and the music ur enjoyin

so for the next couple minutes
baby imma be ur boyfriend

single - nkob feat.neyo

.*heart* to ms houston and ms carey.

been hooked on listening to the old stuff today. old stuff, meaning whitney and mariah. :) truly trulyyy the best singers of their time. watching them sing together gave me goosebumps. they're so different, yet both awesomeee in their own way...

***

You look in my eyes and I get emotional inside
I know it’s crazy, but you still can touch my heart
And after all this time you think that I wouldn’t feel the same
But time melts into nothing, and nothing's changed

I still believe
Someday you and me
Will find ourselves
In love again

I Still Believe - Mariah Carey

I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
'Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight

My All - Mariah Carey

I'd given up hope
Losing the faith that love
Could be mine to treasure
And now nothing's the same
I found myself reborn
On the day I met you

Lead the Way - Mariah Carey

***

love the music back then. they're more straight forward, with lyrics that are more honest with "love". back then, i can imagine people writing these songs, honestly believing each word could be or is true. now... hmm. all we're left with are skeptics and cynics. sigh.

i'll leave u with a lesson i learnt from "exhale", a whitney houston movie i watched today -

'when you finally meet the right man, you will exhale.'

.tagged; by wynna lee [again].

1. The last person to tag you is?
sherwynna lee whey wen.


2. What relationship of you with him/her?
she's my baby sis.

3. Your 5 impression towards him/her.
attractive, stubborn, smart, witty & opinionated.

4. The most memorable thing that he/she had done for you.
most recently, she opened herself to me emotionally and allowed me in.

5. The most memorable thing that he/she has said to you.
i love you. [yes, she has said it before.]


6. If he/she becomes your lover, you will…
... have committed incest? [eww, btw]

7. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will...
... have lost my mind?

8. If he/she becomes your lover , he/she has to improve on..
ok, im gonna answer this question as "what does she have to improve on as a lover"... and that'd be... to allow herself to trust more, and be less skeptical.

9. If he/she becomes your enemy , the reason is...
... we lost our minds.

10. The most desirable things to you to do to him/her?
desirable sounds WRONG in this context. but anywayz, if u mean something nice... i guess it'd be fun just to take a cool trip somewhere!

11. The overall impression of he/her is...
strong bitch.


12. How do you think the people around you will feel about you?
i think they think i'm hawt in every way. HAHA.

13. The character for you for yourself is?
sandra bullock in 2 weeks notice, altho i wouldnt be fighting for the same things.

14. On the contrary, the thing you hate about yourself is?
im indecisive, im impulsive, im argumentative, im stubborn, im a smartass, im incapable of committing, im easily bored... [this could take a while]

15. The most ideal person you want to be is?
a better me. totally achievable. :)

16. For the person who cares and likes you, say something about them...

x. those who cares, thanks. i rarely disappoint, but keep ur fingers crossed and an open mind anyway.

x. those who likes me, and assuming u 'like me' like me, i can totally see why. ;) ;) hahahaaahaa *jokes* but i assure u, what u see is not what u get. i overadvertise and under deliver. so tame that curiousity, unless u're here for something more.

17. Ten people to tag...
1. derekus
2. ivan lean
3. leon ho
4. sheena (since u havent done this)
5. M-L if he had a blog, which i highly doubt
6. james lee
7. fong yin
8. sing yee
9. strawberrymeowz (just cuz i appreciate her recent visit :))
10. stan wong

18. Who is no.2 having relationship with?
an imaginary girl.

19. Is no.3 a female or a male?
male, most of the time. :P

20. If no.7 and no.10 be together would it be a good thing?
oooh... ^^ could happen. lol

21. How about no.5 and 8?
i'd be sooo jealous!!!! singyeee, nooooooo!!!! he's mineeee!!! lol

22. What is number 1 studying ?
himself. ;) always.

23. When was the last time you have chat with them?
somewhere along this year? :)

24. Talk something about no.2.
he's bloody annoying, but i love him still.

ok. tag done.
finally!

."stop touching meeeeee" - aczhmed the dead terrorist [ventriloquist]: argh! check youtube!.

alcohol plays with your mind? yea, it does. i noticed how it puts me in this major 'self-reflecting' mood. not sure if i like it.

anyhoo... for the past few weeks, i kinda noticed something about myself. this is gonna sound weird, but... well... somehow, i sorta feel like i've been very... sensitive?... to touch?.... from the opposite sex? - and by sensitive, i meant the "hands off!" type of sensitive, and im not referring to sexual touches.

coming from me, its weird, i know; ms.lets-get-physical. if u know me, i like walking arm in arm with my guy friends, and im always physical when talking or etc. so it got me thinking, is it the guy? or the touch?

sadly, i then realize i feel the same way about almost all the guys who comes in physical contact with me. [i say almost because not all my male friends are touchy] so... the odd one gots to be me, yea? hmm.

but why am i feeling this way? im yet to find a reason... :( [i considered the possibility of turning lesbo, but after performing some "tests", i confirm that its not]

anyway... to add to the above, i noticed that its becoming a habit/pattern for me to laugh off situations, or more like, "potential moments" with the opposite sex too.

u know how moments happen rite? ie: we both lock eye contact for a few seconds too long, or he says something that makes me feel "aww" and then we both look at each other, or he simply comes to close you can feel his breath on your cheeks... etc etc.

but yea, point is, i tend to laugh them off before anything happens, OR if i catch it soon enough, i'd move away to ensure it doesnt happen... its like im resisting it! actively forcing things to not happen!

im thinkin, perhaps its because i dont have those type of feelings for those guys? but in the past, feelings or not, i liked to play with the idea of sharing moments with another individual! i liked stuffing question marks in their heads and making them confused and curious!! [bitch, i know] but yea...

whats happening to me? is it true that maybe its cuz my mojo is gone? likeee... sherlene lee is officially quitting the flirt-your-way-to-fun-and-excitement business?!.... sigh. maybe this is just a phase that'd soon pass. or... is this the new me, finally on the right side of the tracks?

*hmm*

ps: midori + lemonade... my new poison. :)

.to stan, with love.

Dearest Stan Stan

I am now updating my blog. I know you have missed me, and I have missed you too. :) The reason for my blog-absense is because I have been very tired lately. Mostly due to my constant running around with Ivan.

Ivan is in Brisbane, did you know?
He's been like an energizer bunny, never stopping. I've had very little mind-rest because Ivan doesn't shut up. :) If you know me, Ivan is 10000x worse. Yea, no kidding. HaHa... We went to the Coast the other day, Harbour Town and Broadbeach. Its really pretty there. Lets go there again when you're here?

Anyway, I was having lunch with Leon the other day. I told him I felt like I havent been feeling too "social" lately. He says its normal for an extrovert to need and value their personal 'alone' time. I think he's right. Hope I recover from this period soon.

So babe, how have you been? [Aside from missing me] :) Xmas is just around the corner. Every Xmas decoration and ornaments remind me of you. I honestly cant wait for you to be back here, so I can scream and shout at you again... haHa :) *hugs*

Love

Len Len <3

.milestone.

yep. she's been admitted to the legal profession in queensland.
finally. :)

celebrate?
saturday night?
drinks? :)

COMEEEEEEEEEEEEE........!!!!

.my first real halloween.

for the first time, halloween actually didnt feel like just another day. :) in fact, i got to celebrate it twice! :)

it started quite late on the night itself, with me and sheensie meeting the boys [derekus, leonate & jeffo] for a nite out in the city. we partied the night away at the embassy hotel [yes, again] with some drinking and dancing and a little bit more. ;) - didnt take too many pics tho. *too busy* :)

the night after that, derekz and i drove to somewhere-almost-at-the-coast to attend jimmy's halloween party. derek dressed as a "wizard zombie" [altho the girls thought he looked more like mr.scarecrow] and i went as a dead "french maid".

sheena did derek's face, then combined effort with derek and sherwynna to make me spooky. :) checkout the awesome artwork by derek and sheensie -

the party was fun altho we were 3 hours late. kudos to jimbo [the count dracula] for the awesome decorating job! tomb stones, dead bodies, creepy insects, skulls and all!

unexpectedly [to me anyway], jimmy's parents, john and juliet were there. i actually miss them alot. :) and they're still as sweet as i remembered! we took a picture together... just like old times -

[pic above: now] [pic below: then]

ooh... and i found it reeeaaalllly sweet of jimmy's mum when she said to me, "i was so sad when jimmy told me you guys broke up! i almost cried!" :) *awww* and i liked how his dad kept huggin me and complimenting me... HAHA... *so full of myself* :P

ANYHOO...
i like this shot of my frenchie maid face the most. :) love the fake lashes!!! wooooHooo to artificialness!! LoL

ANYWAY... on a more present note,
i'm getting admitted to the legal profession tomorrow at 12.45pm. im officially and finalllyyy there! swing by around 1pm if you wanna join my picture session! xox

.superstitious-nut!.

im all for that horoscope reading.

on the career/personal development side of things however, last nite i had a dream that i was preggers. the father wasn't the issue, but it was more about me tryin to get rid of it. *im sorry to the anti-abortion people!*

but anywayz, here's what the dream apparently meant:

To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

anywayz, im headin out tonite. :)
laterz!

.natural or expectations?.

a young dude on the bus got up for an older lady today. i know people do it all the time, but it still warmed my heart. when 2 seats became available, he ushered his gf to come sit with him... to which he got up to let his gf slide in before taking the aisle seat beside her. :) i thought "aww" to that little gesture.

guys may roll their eyes when they read this, but personally, gender equality or not, i feel [u may obviously think otherwise] that it should come naturally to a guy to -

x. let girls sit before they do,

x. let girls take window seats while they take the aisle [on any mode of transportation],

x. let girls take the booth seat in restaurants,

x. let girls walk out before they do [in elevators, doorways, even on the bus when with their girlfriend - yes, even when she's got the window seat],

x. hold the door and open them [cars, not necessarily - but bonus if he does],

x. offer to carry bags whether heavy or not,

x. walk on the outer side when walking along a road [i know ivan does this],

x. step up to kill insects when the girl screams [eventho they're scared too],

x. be protective and concerned over the safety of the girl they're hanging out with...

ANYHOO...
was watching the bachelorette: russell and trisha in the 2nd last episode... omg. its like watching me and jason. my mouth hung open as i watched them. trisha eliminated russell after that episode. :S

ON A DIFF NOTE...
i got my letter of recommendation from the queensland law society today. its confirmed. i'm getting admitted on monday!! [ok, fingers crossed. i better not jinx it - afterall, i hav jinxed it once before!]

last but not least, hugs to sheensie for tuesday!

p.s. check out my horoscope for tomoz... hmm... ;)

interesting huh? ;)

.jewellery gals.

we had a kings jewellers wintergarden staff gathering on tuesday night. it was at my manager, liljiana's apartment next to the brisbane river. :) awesome view. check it out -

the rent is a bomb, but u know, aside from being able to live in the city, imagine waking up to such a view every morning. perhaps its the greener grass syndrom, but i'd imagine having so much less stress being able to live around such beauty. :)

also, at the party... i experienced my first girly squeal session when one of the girls, angie, announced that she got engaged over the weekend. lol it was so cute, and so movie-like. but it was also so sweeet... we then sat down to listen to her play-by-play of what he said, how he did it, and more where, when and whats... :) [yes guys, we get ALL the details. *added pressure*]

i have to admit, i enjoyed my nite alot. a girls night + lots of wine is awesome. :)

.clearing the negatives.

*breathe out*

away with the bad and muddy aura thats clouding my blog from my previous post; time to smile and glee because the sun still shines and the night air is still crisp.

i foresee my this week to be full of expenditures. [still trying to keep the 'up' vibe, altho its already threatening to fade] - this week, i've got 2 (or maybe 3) parties, 1 birthday, and possibly another friday night out with sheensie poo. :) [mood back on a high]... the $$ spent will be worth it.

and to continue the good vibes, here's a short but ever so sweet one from gabe bondoc - [aww... sheena might be right. i really might be forming a crush on this YTS!]

ooh... look what i found of gabe and his friends! a whole different way to "jam"... [fast forward to the middle of this clip (i personally recommend 7:40 on the first vid) if you dont wanna watch the whole thing] soooo funnnn....!!