.here's a thought.

its true - i'm a girl who is just hard to keep up with. why this sudden 'realisation'?

well,

i was driving home from a movie with my sis at 10.00pm.

i told her i was really sleepy.

i told her i'm just gonna go home and sleep.

she reminded me that it is a friday night, and i didn't have to wake up early tomorrow for work.

i told her it didn't matter - i was tired, so i'm going to bed.

at 10.45pm,

there i was, cleaning my room.

throwing out junk, clearing out the mess on the tables,

organising papers and old letters, dusting and all.

(???)

its now 11.32pm.

i just took a shower.

i do feel sleepy, but still i turned my laptop on.

and here i am, blogging.

i'm now looking at my novel - there's probably only 2 or 3 chapters left.

i'm so curious to know the ending...

looks like i'll be staying up finish it.

i bet you.

i wont be in bed until 12.30am at the earliest!

i don't think i'm disorganised.

i think i'm just... very mood driven?

what do you think?

indecisive? nah, i dont think thats it.

hmm...

now the question is:

should i change this trait of mine in order to appear more normal to a partner, or do i find someone who knows this trait of mine and is prepared to accept it and work around it?

hmmm.

.and here we go again.

my blog has endured many of these chapters. these short, never-with-a-happy-ending chapters of my life. i dont know why it keeps happening - it just does.

tonight, i received a text. he said we had to talk. its been 5 days since we last spoke, and the last words uttered those 5 days ago had left us both, needing to retreat to our own corners to rethink our dreams built over the last 8 months.

tonight was filled with un-planned melodramatic-ness. for one, it was exactly 8 months since we first met. 8 months since we sat at cafe east on queen street, looking into each others' eyes for the first time. the first time i learnt how it felt when he held my hand, when he made his point clear that all he wanted to do was shower me with love and care. i kissed him that night, exactly 8 months ago.

tonight, we stood by our cars at a half empty parking lot at a place that was half way from his and mine. in other words, we met each other half way - something i/we somehow failed to do most of the time in our relationship. or did we?

tonight, he told me, "i've had many days to think about us. i'm sure u have too. and i think this can't go on..." - i think thats almost exactly what he said. i was half expecting it, but it still sent a blade through my heart, because like every girl, no matter what your instinct tells you, the girlie fantasies would always be there. i guess i can put them to rest now.

he asked me what i thought about it - and i went cold. as in, i felt myself just turning cold. like someone flipped a switch in me - the switch i'd love to call my self defense mechanism. one i have perfected for years and years now. i just never thought i would ever have to flip the switch on him. on this relationship.

i replied with an, "okay". that was all.

no tears followed. all i felt was numbness. he was drifting farther and farher away, but my usual pleas were no where to be found. there were no more "please don't". no "are u sure?". no "what made you decide this?". no "don't u want me anymore?"... just an okay. a defeated and hopeless 'okay'.

small talks came along after. he told me i can come around his place on saturday to pick up my stuff. he said we can still do the exchanging of xmas gifts, cuz we have and know we have bought each other gifts. gifts we had actually picked out ourselves.

i picked two rings about 2 weeks ago now - two beautiful rings that i had loved from the moment i laid eyes on them. would i ever be able to wear them? would it be right? to wear something from a man you love, who is not longer with you? to wear rings you both had picked out when you were still happily together?

as i was leaning against my car, as he was on his, facing each other, there was a street light a few feet away from us. it shone from behind him, straight into my eyes. it made it hard for me to look up at him. it was partially a blessing, because i don't think i can bear looking into his eyes. but at the same time, after he told me that we wont be in contact for a while so he can move on from all this, i desperately wanted to look at him - i wanted to memorise his face - look into his eyes and remember how they use to look into mine with love, warmth, hope and happiness...

when i eventually fought the brightness of the light and looked up at him, i wish i never did - for all i saw were dark circles around his eyes, looking sunken and tired. it marked what our relationship have done to him. it marked what i have done to him and what my love has caused him. it showed my failure. my broken promises. and it broke my heart on a whole different level.

he told me he isn't over me - he's just over the relationship; and i completely understood - because it was how i was feeling too. i love him to shreds... but our constant bickering and foolishness towards every thing each other do can't possibly be healthy. and it doesn't really plant a great seed for the future either.

i told him that for what it was worth, i know deep down, most petty fights he picked with me wasn't really him. he's not the man he is when he's with me. i know it had only become this way because of the enormous black cloud i had left hanging over our heads. one, we both now know, isn't going to go away.

tonight, i really should thank him - because he somehow worked up the courage and strength to put an end to our cursed relationship. for the past few days, i had thought of doing the same, but each time i pictured him saying he wants to try again, my heart melts and my head just nods in agreement almost automatically.

we usually just ending up hugging each other - that had always sewn us back together. one embrace was all it took to make all problems fade away. to make us again, believe that this is all we needed and other things do not and will not matter. it was the best feeling, but realistically, also the worst - because it always robs us of our ability to think beyond the moment :(

i dont know how the next few days, weeks or months will be - but i do know with utmost certainty that i will miss having him in my life tremendously.

as much as i try to console myself with the thought that "at least we've tried - and tried our hardest", i find myself unable to come to terms with the fact that it is now best to let go and move forward - separately.

all i pray for now is that he will find happiness again. i pray the next girl he allows into his life will treat him right, and make him realise relationships can be easy. even if it means him cursing me for wasting 8 months of his life and submitting him to all the pain and suffering that i had unintentionally but very-so-recklessly inflicted upon him. i hope he finds his true strength again and as much as it pains me to say this, i hope he's able to love someone new the way he had set out to love me before - because if i had it all again, before my big mess up, i wouldn't exchange it for the world.

as for myself - i think this switch may stay "off" for a while.

i'm so tired, i feel like i had just lived through the script of the most dramatic tv show with events that viewers would question whether such thing actually happens in real life.

now i'm officially back at square one.

i feel my guards back up - because all this have honestly left me feeling more vulnerable than i've ever felt before. again, i have been reminded of the price one has to pay for opening their hearts, and i just don't think i can do it again. not again :(

***

at the end of our 15 minute goodbye rendezvous, again with the unintended melodramatic-ness, we drove off in separate directions. actual opposite directions with one turning off to the right, and the other left.

and all i'm left to wonder is if he ever looked back...

.untitled.

its when i'm sitting alone - my heart feels its pieces coming undone all over again.

when will this be over?

.refocus.

there are days where the heart feels stronger than ever.
everything seems do-able and everything feels "meh"...

then there are days where you simply can't ignore that tug in your heart.
its all you can feel, like a toothache.
it consumes all your emotions and leave you feeling like "if this doesn't work out, i have no other reason to live"...

:'''(

there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
i just need to focus on getting to that light without crumbling.

mondays are hard.
i wish i can switch off everything and just cuddle him for 10 minutes or so.
i'm sure that'd make me feel better.
the only problem is, what happens after that?

i can't dismiss all my thoughts, feelings, hurt, disappointment and doubts that i've formulated in the last few days. i'm certain all those emotions have a valid basis, and it would be in my/our best interest that i DO NOT forget them.

after all, one can't remain in a relationship and possibly be happy (for the rest of their lives) with all these live issues scattered around.

the bridge is looking harder and harder to build now.

.greener grass.

just finished watching "the last song" by myself...

it made me wonder..

why can't all relationships be like that?

I want to be loved like that too :'((

***

.second chances.

my two cents.

I think it's definitely true that you only know what u've lost when it's gone...

but I also think... when that happens, being granted a second chance after that "realization" may not be the best thing.

this thought is specifically referring to relationships - and the thought had come about when I was listening to Taylor Swift's "Back to December" where she sings about regretting for not realizing she was with someone right until it was too late, and now she's hoping to turn it all back around.

... fact is, as sad as it may seem, and as lucky as you may think u are for being granted a second chance - often time, these "second chance people" would soon realize the relationship is no longer the same, and will not be ever again.

... he wont love you the way he did, or do the things he use to do. even if he does, he probably wouldn't be doing it with the same level of emotional intensity or commitment. he won't look at u the same and say the things he use to - because the sad truth is, when u left him behind and made that "wrong" choice, he would've been effected in some way (many ways) too - causing his perspective of u to change. can you blame him?

then, naturally one or both of you will feel this change and that's when the sad reality kicks in.

one thing you'd soon realize is that you're no longer innocent n pure in his eyes. u're no longer the one he'd set out to love and protect with his life - because the fact is, you're now, in his conscious or subconscious mind, someone who has and potentially will hurt him.

it doesn't matter that you know you won't - he's different now. what you thought you had a "second chance" to have and hold and cherish is not was it was anymore.

which then makes you think - the only reason you realized he was right was from recalling all those times you spent together before, and the things he did or said that you now realize were words so precious and right for you - all the things that had made you fall for him (now) and realize he's "the one"... all the things you've realized just a little too late.

and like i've said, its because of what you've done to him - he's now changed.

so what now?

some who realizes this would walk away (again) with a deeper wound - and possibly hurting the guy (again) MORE than you already did.

while some others... well, some try to stay optimistic that the guy before still exists, and they wait. and when things go bad (clearly indicating things are different now) they end up blaming themselves for it - and therefore stay, whether because of the hope that it will go back to how it was before or as self punishment by thinking "i'm the one who made him change and the one who messed us up"...

so.... should one really be feeling lucky to be granted this "second chance"?

to end this on a positive note though, i'm not saying all "second go" is doomed to fail. i can most certainly work for some - but only those who realizes all the above and tells themselves to restart. both of them. restart their expectation. restart the 'impressions'. restart their mind set of each other's behaviour. restart the relationship as a whole.

as long as they take everything as a fresh start n learn to love the person for who they are now, instead of what they remember of how he was before, i think only then it can work. keep the good impressions and banish the negatives. release the need to feel guilty or as a victim. keep the communication line open. trust is what matters most, so make a pledge that issues of trust can always be discussed openly and without judgement.

but that said, never compromise your happiness.

good luck.

.hey andy.

are you still stalking my PRIVATE blog? :)

xox

.seeing the light.

... at the end of the tunnel.

here's my attempt to be positive:

sometimes its good to lose all support from the people you love and thought you can rely on. because only then you are reminded of how strong you have to be - and can be.

***

.tsal ot siht tnaw.

!yppah os m'i

.taht sezilaer eh epoh i

!oot yppah sa tsuj mih ekam ot tnaw i esuac

(:

!dessorc sregnif

.a simple song that touched my heart.

i love this song somehow...

:~)

.sherlene's guide.

... on "what NOT to do on day #3 of losing someone precious".

1. don't go out and get smashed.

2. don't compare every guy u meet/see with your ex.

3. don't throw up in your friend's car, handbag, jacket, clothes, your own hair, face, dress...

4. don't pass out and make three friends carry your dead weight home.

it doesn't help make you feel any better.

To Do

1. thank god you have awesome friends.

2. don't f*ck up and hurt someone you love ever again.

3. bury yourself in a hole. thats where you belong. (for now anyway)

***

.day #2.

I'm suffering serious withdrawals.

I may need to tie myself up to refrain from doing stupid things.

I feel a million different emotions surging through my body. One in particular is driving me crazy... Can't tame it. It's making me go nuts!!!

OMG.

***

.glass half empty.

I'm down - and that's a serious understatement.

someone - please shed some light :(

***

In summary...

I went from here...

To here...

And now I'm here...

... So, what happens now?

Okay, Step 1:

Breathe & Reboot.

Step 2:

Stay in denial for a while.

Step 3:

[still trying to figure it out]

***

.intuition?.

hmmm.

i smell something cooking.

... and i get the feeling i'm not gonna be too happy with whats in store.

.wish i never had to post this.

my entire drive home tonight, all i could hear in my head was...

"how's that 5th gear going for ya?"

if that didn't make any sense, its cause you missed out on getting to know this one amazing person... that has 'by forces of nature (and my downright stupidity)' chosen to walk out of my life.

tonight, i found a new definition for the word 'cold'.

Cold (v.)

- when love is taken away from you.

i'd love to hit the rewind button right about now. :(

.slip of the tongue.

*couple walks out of a pub after a couple of after work drinks*

*boyfriend pulls out his phone*

gf: "is it Elle?" - she teases. *inside joke*

*boyfriend shows his screen to girlfriend - there were no notifications*

bf: "no one loves me.." - he playfully whines.

gf: "I do"

*both went silent upon realizing what was just said*

bf: "I'll take that"

***

.its all smiles.

somehow i feel myself believing it more and more every day that he really does wanna take care of me... like, good good care. the TLC kind. :)

...and i'm liking it.

:)

.dear john; sobs.

i watched "dear john" today and walked out of the cinema feeling like someone just stabbed me in the heart. i must've started crying half way into the movie, and it didn't stop thereafter.

perhaps the 'saying goodbye' and 'i hope to see you again' parts hit me a little too close to home.

its my personal weakness. and i imagine i keep getting weaker on the subject every time i have to say goodbye to yet another person i care deeply about. 5 times now. the whole airport scene and the 'try to smile through the pain so he doesn't worry about u' mandatory act... mmmmm.... not pleasant at all.

back to the movie: i wouldn't say its the best. the notebook trumps without a doubt. but it was still heartfelt. definitely tugged at my heart strings and left me feeling blooody emo after. :(

not a fan of the ending though. could've smoothened that out a bit more... or even cut it out entirely and left it at that emotional peak. if you watched it, you probably know what i mean. i don't wanna spoil it for anyone else.

would i recommend it? - if u enjoyed "the time traveler's wife" and absolutely looooved "the notebook" - YES. :)

now, should i watch "remember me"?

.scratch out that checklist.

dont go looking for someone who will tick all the boxes on your checklist...

... because most people don't really know what they really want (or what is honestly good for them) anyway.

thats also when i believe you'd have a greater chance to realize/meet/notice someone who would come into your life and write that checklist for you, AND tick all those boxes at the same time :)

... and when you're fortunate enough to have that happen to you, promise yourself you would love them as hard as you can in this lifetime (feast of love, 2007), because you never know how long (or short) that time may be.

"don't be afraid to love and lose, God made our hearts so brave for a reason."

xox

.a common name.

i recently met someone who has one of the most common names ever.

a very nice person he's turning out to be.. (so far, anyway - touchwood, fingers crossed)

the cute part about it all is now, every time i meet someone who has that same name, i would automatically treat the person nicer. and its seriously just because they share the same name with that nice guy i know.

oh, those lucky bastards.

.two is better than one.

i witnessed something today and had yet another thought about relationships. bear with me kids, i do have other thoughts. I just chose to post about this one because... wait, who's asking?

sooo, moving forward...

I realised another reason why human should come in two.

adding on to what the movie "shall we dance" has said - that everyone needs a witness in life - I kinda feel, everyone also needs someone who understands and knows them enough to speak up/help/give explanations for them when they cant.

now, let me explain with this real life scenario...

today, lady A was telling lady B how she thought lady B's husband was rude to her on the phone. lady B listened and then very naturally jumped to her husband's rescue and started explaining how he's been really stressed about some personal matters and asked for lady A not to take it personally. lady A took what she was told into consideration and instantly felt less offended by what happened.

... and thats what i meant. someone who understands and knows exactly whats happening with u when others don't; and would care enough to explain to others when you cant. and i think thats sweet.

definitions

*two = could also be a very good friend whom you share everything with;

*understand = understands how you usually tick, how u react to things, how your emotions run though your mind and how you'd act when put under different types of pressure and conditions;

*knows you = knows what is really happening with your work, friends, family, health, etc because what happens with/to you is part of them too. :)

but thats just me. :)

---- i got drunk dialed as i was typing all this. i wonder if thats a sign of some sort. hmm. ok, will not over analyze.

goodnight world! x

.the man and umbrella theory.

in light of the recent super crap weather in brisbane, I formed a theory. yes, eyes rolling is allowed if u must.

anywayy....

I recently sought shelter underneath a random dude's umbrella (just to cross a road to the next shelter) when I noticed.. i waited to find a guy with the biggest umbrella. reason being, I wanted to make sure that he had enough for both him and I if he agreed to take me under.

this made me think - shouldn't that be the prerequisite for choosing a partner in life as well?

u know, finding someone who has enough for himself and would be happy to share some with you without leaving himself in the rain - instead of someone who can't give you enough that both your shoulders have to be sacrificed to accommodate one another. or worse, leave himself in the rain just to make sure u're fully sheltered.

honourable yes, but it shouldn't have to be like that.

what say you?

.my weird accent - yes, I'm aware.

perhaps it's cuz I've been meeting lots of new people lately, but this subject has came up too many times for me to avoid talking about it. sigh. last nite, someone said to me -

"in one sentence, you'd have like a whole *forgot the word he used* of different accents! u'd have this American twang... and then your voice would get all cutesy and it'd sound like something else... then you'd end your sentence with an Aussie twang." - gah!

I've also been told its kinda exotic PLUS intriguing. :) which I guess isn't too bad of a comment. better than Sherman (me big brotha) calling me "sesat" (lost).

but mostly, I get "are you American?" - and "are your eyes natural?" (but that's a story for another day)

ok - here's the deal (and the simplest explanation) - I watch alot of TV. American TV, so I guess I picked up the accent from there by trying to "subconsciously" mimic. sounds lame, but hey, as Wynna says, "i said ubconscious wor!!!" :)

PLUS... I'm a bloody top class, grade 'A' conformist. i'm the (sad) combined product of my environment. friends, colleagues, the guy I date at the time, shop people I start a banter with, random people on the streets or in a bar, and so on...

so yea, does that cut it? can I continue being "sesat" (or Exotic ;)) now? :D

ok. time for work. laters homies!! lol

.food for thoughts.

With every break up, you wanna make sure you're new (again) and "Improved" for the next relationship.

Not broken.

So, until you figure out what you're taking (and able to contribute into your new chapter with that new brilliant person) ...and what you're going to leave in the past, hang tight and be good to yourself.

No heart should have to rush from one train wreak to another.

.for 'that guy' in my life.

as usual...
lots to say but cant seem to get the words out.

will try again another day. till then...



... this song just sounds and feel appropriate right now.

enjoy.

... and try to smile - for the ones who cant.


*if you can't see the video, "view original post" :)

.time to realize who's boss!.

it feels like the beginning of a new era.

... and here's a girl who is and will continue to try her hardest to have a complete and full life - great family, great career, great romance, great friends n unconditional self love :)

although... i think to achieve this, i'm seriously gonna have to be more stern and picky with how I spend my time. after all, if u want it all, you will have to make enough time to embrace it all, right? - it can't work otherwise! :)

well, balance is the key. balance with my happiness that is. now... how's this? - less thinking about how my decisions would make others feel, and more asking myself whether i'd feel happier making that decision. (so technically, i'm not gonna do bad to u, because that won't make me feel happy either - so don't worry, i'm not turning into a witch. yet.)

(major selfish statement alert!)

besides, if you haven't already realized, many people DON'T think of how their actions/decisions would make others feel... so why am i always worrying about theirs? :) - whoa. that felt good. good going sherlene! *pats back*

but truth is, life is too short, as my dear friend Aaron has reminded many of us.

so from today, i'm gonna live my life like he did. with unquenchable laugher, limitless fun and with utmost self belief. cuz in the end, thats how you know you've done your best - for YOURSELF. and at the end of the day, that's what counts. :)

prabhaks - your strength will continue living in many of us, buddy. you've taught us all well. i won't ever stop missing you!

taken: 20th january 2006.

.reality ouch-ess sometimes.

some people can't accept that the hardest part isn't finding out whether he's the right one, but rather to accept that he isn't.

I turned 25 a couple of days ago. not sure what it means to me mentally or emotionally, but what I do know is - from now, I'm gonna try harder to be better to myself. you know, to really look out for ME.

my NY's resolution is to "not sweat the petty things" - and perhaps, "not pet the sweaty things" as well. :) I'm thinking that should be a good place to start, right?

I also feel this year will be alot about cherishing friendships. my recent trip home has definitely made me realize the importance of friendship, both old and new. many bonds were restored and strengthened - and it just made me realize how therapeutic it can be for the soul.

afterall, no one should walk their lives alone. isnt happiness best when shared?

:) thank you for blessing me with true friends. ones who would love me for my shortcomings and make the extra effort to continue doing so when it gets hard. xox

.trust your friends, he says.

today was different...

it was a day where two good friends found time to just go with the flow in a secret search for a little bit of relaxation. great news is, we found it. together.

after leaving AP's house today with a heavy heart, we hopped into the car and drove into a day of "no plans" - and eventually found ourselves sitting in two big comfy chairs, getting a full hour feet reflexology (ok, more like a 45 minutes reflex and 15 minutes shoulder massage)

- and despite having to fight the urge to yell out from the pain caused at several pressure points in our feet, (apparently we both have internal head and back problems) we both knew we really needed this.

sigh. best yet, it only cost us AUD$12 after conversion - including tips :)

... really need to do it again.

and perhaps next time, a full back massage.

thanks for today, Ivan :) tomorrow will be another day to fight the battle with AP. we need to be in our best form :)

.i pray you're listening.

please, may there be miracles out there.

hearts are breaking, for a kind soul has been put to a very hard test. may he be given abundance of strength and courage to face this hardship. I hope he knows we have utmost faith in him.

AP - we love you. don't give up.