December 15, 2010

.and here we go again.

my blog has endured many of these chapters. these short, never-with-a-happy-ending chapters of my life. i dont know why it keeps happening - it just does.

tonight, i received a text. he said we had to talk. its been 5 days since we last spoke, and the last words uttered those 5 days ago had left us both, needing to retreat to our own corners to rethink our dreams built over the last 8 months.

tonight was filled with un-planned melodramatic-ness. for one, it was exactly 8 months since we first met. 8 months since we sat at cafe east on queen street, looking into each others' eyes for the first time. the first time i learnt how it felt when he held my hand, when he made his point clear that all he wanted to do was shower me with love and care. i kissed him that night, exactly 8 months ago.

tonight, we stood by our cars at a half empty parking lot at a place that was half way from his and mine. in other words, we met each other half way - something i/we somehow failed to do most of the time in our relationship. or did we?

tonight, he told me, "i've had many days to think about us. i'm sure u have too. and i think this can't go on..." - i think thats almost exactly what he said. i was half expecting it, but it still sent a blade through my heart, because like every girl, no matter what your instinct tells you, the girlie fantasies would always be there. i guess i can put them to rest now.

he asked me what i thought about it - and i went cold. as in, i felt myself just turning cold. like someone flipped a switch in me - the switch i'd love to call my self defense mechanism. one i have perfected for years and years now. i just never thought i would ever have to flip the switch on him. on this relationship.

i replied with an, "okay". that was all.

no tears followed. all i felt was numbness. he was drifting farther and farher away, but my usual pleas were no where to be found. there were no more "please don't". no "are u sure?". no "what made you decide this?". no "don't u want me anymore?"... just an okay. a defeated and hopeless 'okay'.

small talks came along after. he told me i can come around his place on saturday to pick up my stuff. he said we can still do the exchanging of xmas gifts, cuz we have and know we have bought each other gifts. gifts we had actually picked out ourselves.

i picked two rings about 2 weeks ago now - two beautiful rings that i had loved from the moment i laid eyes on them. would i ever be able to wear them? would it be right? to wear something from a man you love, who is not longer with you? to wear rings you both had picked out when you were still happily together?

as i was leaning against my car, as he was on his, facing each other, there was a street light a few feet away from us. it shone from behind him, straight into my eyes. it made it hard for me to look up at him. it was partially a blessing, because i don't think i can bear looking into his eyes. but at the same time, after he told me that we wont be in contact for a while so he can move on from all this, i desperately wanted to look at him - i wanted to memorise his face - look into his eyes and remember how they use to look into mine with love, warmth, hope and happiness...

when i eventually fought the brightness of the light and looked up at him, i wish i never did - for all i saw were dark circles around his eyes, looking sunken and tired. it marked what our relationship have done to him. it marked what i have done to him and what my love has caused him. it showed my failure. my broken promises. and it broke my heart on a whole different level.

he told me he isn't over me - he's just over the relationship; and i completely understood - because it was how i was feeling too. i love him to shreds... but our constant bickering and foolishness towards every thing each other do can't possibly be healthy. and it doesn't really plant a great seed for the future either.

i told him that for what it was worth, i know deep down, most petty fights he picked with me wasn't really him. he's not the man he is when he's with me. i know it had only become this way because of the enormous black cloud i had left hanging over our heads. one, we both now know, isn't going to go away.

tonight, i really should thank him - because he somehow worked up the courage and strength to put an end to our cursed relationship. for the past few days, i had thought of doing the same, but each time i pictured him saying he wants to try again, my heart melts and my head just nods in agreement almost automatically.

we usually just ending up hugging each other - that had always sewn us back together. one embrace was all it took to make all problems fade away. to make us again, believe that this is all we needed and other things do not and will not matter. it was the best feeling, but realistically, also the worst - because it always robs us of our ability to think beyond the moment :(

i dont know how the next few days, weeks or months will be - but i do know with utmost certainty that i will miss having him in my life tremendously.

as much as i try to console myself with the thought that "at least we've tried - and tried our hardest", i find myself unable to come to terms with the fact that it is now best to let go and move forward - separately.

all i pray for now is that he will find happiness again. i pray the next girl he allows into his life will treat him right, and make him realise relationships can be easy. even if it means him cursing me for wasting 8 months of his life and submitting him to all the pain and suffering that i had unintentionally but very-so-recklessly inflicted upon him. i hope he finds his true strength again and as much as it pains me to say this, i hope he's able to love someone new the way he had set out to love me before - because if i had it all again, before my big mess up, i wouldn't exchange it for the world.

as for myself - i think this switch may stay "off" for a while.
i'm so tired, i feel like i had just lived through the script of the most dramatic tv show with events that viewers would question whether such thing actually happens in real life.

now i'm officially back at square one.
i feel my guards back up - because all this have honestly left me feeling more vulnerable than i've ever felt before. again, i have been reminded of the price one has to pay for opening their hearts, and i just don't think i can do it again. not again :(

at the end of our 15 minute goodbye rendezvous, again with the unintended melodramatic-ness, we drove off in separate directions. actual opposite directions with one turning off to the right, and the other left.

and all i'm left to wonder is if he ever looked back...

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