August 20, 2006

.not quite fixed?.

I was on the phone with Groovy a while ago.
We started talking about...
Well... about our past experiences with 'Love'.
At the end of the convo,
All I found was that I have always been afraid to love.

I dont know how to put this down in words,
But the last time I ever attempted to really love...
(if I didn't actually did, if you know what I mean)
... was probably... when... I was 16?

I know I know...
I know what you're thinking.
Groovy said it too...
At 16, it's probably just what people call 'Puppy Love'.
Thats what you were thinkin' right?!
Yeaa... possibly it was.
What I do know is that,
That was probably the last time I allowed myself to truly like a person.

You know,
When you...
.... feel like you'd do anything for them.

Like I told Groovy,
Its probably something to do with my maturity at that time too.
Maybe that time, I was really naive.
I allowed myself to just really fall into something,
Without seconds thoughts,
and blindly build all those hopes and dreams and expectations for the both of us.
But just because I was naive,
It doesnt mean that what I felt for him wasn't really something special rite?

Until now,
Im not sure if that was love,

But I do know that the day he left,
(not that we broke up,
we were separated by distance)
I truly did experience a kind of pain,
A pain that still brings tears to my eyes until today,
A pain that I vowed not to allow myself to feel again.

I remember back then,
When I told my friends...
"My heart hurts really bad. It's not just a feeling.
It REALLY does hurt."

... 5 years later,
Yes, I've cried over a few failed relationships,
But I dont know if I've felt that sharp pain in my heart again,
The one I felt the time I lost him.

I admitted that to Groovy.

Then I found out,
In these 5 years...
I've always gotten into relationships without allowing myself to fully be IN it.
Groovy says thats whats holding me back,
and would possibly be the factor of me losing someone that could truly be right.

I told him,
I'm just trying to be careful.
Whats wrong with trying to make sure he's worth it before truly falling?

But Groovy was right.
He said one thing that was a spot-on.
I froze.
He said,

"You're always telling yourself 'This aint gonna last' before even getting into a rship."

I do.
I tell myself that every time.

And there's only one reason for such thought:
To prepare myself for the day we break up.
To make sure I do not invest too much emotions in it,
since Im already predicting that it wasn't going to go the distance anyway.
And by telling myself that,
He wouldn't be able to truly hurt me.

Groovy says,
With that mentality,


Im messed up.
What am I gonna do?

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