oOkay...
He called literally 5 minutes after I posted the stupid blog.
haHaa Talk about being clingy huh?
Never thought I had that in me.
*Im still denying I do btw!*
So... we had another one of "those" talks.
You know,
about his past and my past,
and what he thinks about stuffs and those "what ifs"...
Hmm...
Well...
There were many subjects that we touched on.
One was about him going to New Zealand next month.
He's going on vacation with friends for a week.
Then we started talking about our past vacations,
and how we met people,
and was placed in situations where we could cheat,
and not be caught.
Talks along those lines eventually led to us talking about how serious we were about each other.
Well...
Have to say,
I kinda feel like the weaker one in the relationship,
cuz I think I've kinda thought more about us then he did.
Which isn't normal for me,
But probably normal for him.
He said,
"I'll be honest,
I think you'd be a great person to settle down with,
but right now,
I'm not ready to settle."
Point taken and very clearly understood.
Not to mention,
Very much appreciated cuz I did wanna know where he stood.
And well,
We've only been together for just over 2 months,
if he already thought I was "The One",
he'd probably send me running to the door.
(As past relationships have)
Still... *being honest*
I wouldn't say it was comforting or nice to know that he isn't settling,
Especially when that is coupled by other things like,
knowing that he still wants to travel Europe and etc..
But...
I'll admit.
I think I'm a step further into this rship than he is.
I'm not ready to settle either,
but at the same time,
I have a different take on things.
Like,
I wanna travel and see the world too.
But I wouldn't mind experiencing all that with him by my side.
While he's thinking,
"I wanna see Europe cuz there's probably a whole new world out there,
Things I havent seen,
People I havent 'experienced'"...
You know.
With thoughts like that,
You really don't bring along someone who'd hold u back from experiencing everything to the fullest.
See...
He's not saying he doesnt wanna be with me.
He's just saying he's not sure he wants to be with me for good.
Which is perfectly fine,
cuz thats how I feel too.
(I've said that one too many times huh?)
HENCE,
I shouldn't be feeling this uncomfortable.
But maybe I'm just too used to being the one who's unstable (or more unstable) in my relationships.
And now that the table has turned,
I guess I can't help feeling slightly unsatisfied.
Well,
Cuz its sorta like...
Im not in charge of the pace anymore,
and I just feel as if I am left in this position where...
If things fall apart,
I'd most likely be the one feeling left behind.
Sigh.
So right now,
Do I just tell myself -
"its okay, if he leaves, u can handle it"?;
or,
Do I convince myself that -
"This position of vulnerability could lead to insecurities,
and with these insecurities, you're best advised to RUN while u can!"?
and by RUN,
I mean...
Dont hold back,
Go out,
Have Fun,
Let yourself meet new people,
& Do Not write off the idea of finding soMeone better to move on with.
# OKAY, I just had a new thought:
Maybe I'm unhappy right now,
because I feel that,
VERY HIGH CHANCES,
He wont EVER be who I would end up settling down with.
WHY?
Cuz He wants to experience Europe,
He wants to see more of the world,
and while he wants to do that,
He can't have me.
Its not a matter of me being selfish,
or me, wanting him to choose between myself and what he wants for himself,
But its just,
Im not gonna be the -
"I'll come back to you once Im done frolicking,
and I finally realise you're the one" - gal.
And I dont want him to NOT see the world,
because then,
He'd always be wondering what else could be out there.
You know what Im sayin?
And besides,
I dont have that much self confidence to know for a fact that he wouldn't find someone better out there,
and will definitely come back to me.
SO why would I wait?
Iik Soon was right.
He said I need to find someone who would be serious,
Wants a family and is prepared to find someone to share that dream,
otherwise I'm just wasting my time.
So does going out with a guy who still wants to see the rest of the world constitute a guy not serious enough to be with?
I THINK SO.
So technically,
What Im really doing now is WASTING MY TIME.
I am, right?
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