.reality ouch-ess sometimes.

some people can't accept that the hardest part isn't finding out whether he's the right one, but rather to accept that he isn't.

I turned 25 a couple of days ago. not sure what it means to me mentally or emotionally, but what I do know is - from now, I'm gonna try harder to be better to myself. you know, to really look out for ME.

my NY's resolution is to "not sweat the petty things" - and perhaps, "not pet the sweaty things" as well. :) I'm thinking that should be a good place to start, right?

I also feel this year will be alot about cherishing friendships. my recent trip home has definitely made me realize the importance of friendship, both old and new. many bonds were restored and strengthened - and it just made me realize how therapeutic it can be for the soul.

afterall, no one should walk their lives alone. isnt happiness best when shared?

:) thank you for blessing me with true friends. ones who would love me for my shortcomings and make the extra effort to continue doing so when it gets hard. xox

.trust your friends, he says.

today was different...

it was a day where two good friends found time to just go with the flow in a secret search for a little bit of relaxation. great news is, we found it. together.

after leaving AP's house today with a heavy heart, we hopped into the car and drove into a day of "no plans" - and eventually found ourselves sitting in two big comfy chairs, getting a full hour feet reflexology (ok, more like a 45 minutes reflex and 15 minutes shoulder massage)

- and despite having to fight the urge to yell out from the pain caused at several pressure points in our feet, (apparently we both have internal head and back problems) we both knew we really needed this.

sigh. best yet, it only cost us AUD$12 after conversion - including tips :)

... really need to do it again.

and perhaps next time, a full back massage.

thanks for today, Ivan :) tomorrow will be another day to fight the battle with AP. we need to be in our best form :)

.i pray you're listening.

please, may there be miracles out there.

hearts are breaking, for a kind soul has been put to a very hard test. may he be given abundance of strength and courage to face this hardship. I hope he knows we have utmost faith in him.

AP - we love you. don't give up.

.not the cheeriest end-of-year post.

its the last day of 2009 - and as predicted, 2009 was a surprise.

i met love.

despite that, never would i have imagined my year ending this way. two paths. one - a happy dead end. other - another round of scraping myself off the ground.

someone said to listen to myself. do what i want to do, so there would be less room for regret. but what if, what i want to do will clearly lead to a dead end? for what i'm fighting for holds nothing more than short-term emotional satisfaction? ...and inevitable future misery?

***

sometimes i wish "being realistic" is the silly option. after all, its love that we're dealing with. sometimes... i wish heartbreaks are like... stomach aches. take a pill and its gone. sometimes i wish i could close my eyes and find myself exactly where i know i should be... no where else than in those arms i've grown accustomed to.

i know my dreams are fading; and will someday be lived by someone else. and all i can do is hope that one day, that thought will stop tearing my soul apart. after all... so i heard... "sometimes you love, you learn... and you move on... and it's ok."

they forgot to mention how it doesn't hurt any less though. :'(

sigh... at least i know this is the last time i'll be crying this year.

to a new year, my friends.

stay strong.

.you've become my outlet once again.

sorry bout the hiatus.
you bet i'll be blogging again soon.
(i'm really just talkin to myself)

and just a quickie update:

the heart is still broken and yet to be mend.

would've been easier if it wasn't still in love... :(

merry xmas folks. stay tuned.

.daggers to the heart.

this month's pms mood is "down"... not angry, not anxious, not psycho, not grumpy (at least not predominantly) but rather, i'm feeling very sad.

i was driving home alone tonight and started singing in the car... it was all down hill from there:

"i will cross the oceans for you... i will go and bring you the moon... i will be your hero, your strength, everything you need..."

*tears swells up* - stops singing - change song.

"boy i hear you in my dreams, i feel your whisper across the sea, i keep you with me in my heart, you make it easier when life gets hard..."

*swells* - stops - change.

"let me sleep, for when i sleep i dream that you are here... you're mine... and all my fears are left behind.."

same happens. change.

"i know its crazy but, you still can touch my heart... and after all this time... you think that i... wouldn't feel the same... but time melts into nothing... and nothing's change.... i still believe... someday you and me... will find ourselves, in love again..."

mind drifts. :(

"oceans apart... day after day... and i slowly go insane. i hear your voice on the line, but it doesn't stop the pain... if i see you next to never... how can we say forever...

... i took for granted, all the times... that i thought would last somehow... i hear the laughter, i taste the tears... but i can't get near you now...

... wherever you go, whatever you do, i will be right here waiting for you... whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, i will be right here waiting for you...

... i wonder how we can survive... this romance... but in the end if i'm with you, i'll take the chance........."

***

okay.

one emo-while-you-clean-your-room day granted.

.10pm and already knackered!.

2 nights, 2 different nightmares...

the ones that shooks you and wake you up from deep sleep.

why? why all this mind-unrest? :(

now as a direct result of that,

i havent been sleeping well.

doesnt help that im doing a 48.5 hour week at work either.

my leg is killing me!

but i'm gonna focus on the dollars...

yea... eyes on the prize, gurl!!! eyes on the prizeeeee!! :)

ok, goodnight world!

.extreme my arse.

here's a recent observation that has made me realize exactly how important "moderation" is. I've noticed that when a person particularly appears to have a particular dominant trait, they end up being the worst of the exact opposite of that said trait...

it's almost like they just suddenly felt "screw this. I'm over being (insert good trait)" and suddenly decides to act out, directly conflicting with who they were before.

IMHO... those who claims they are an extremist (or tries/want to be one) of something are either in serious denial or are deep down unhappy but too proud to admit it.

here's what I mean in the most simplistic way -

the one who's the "nicest" always end up saying the nastiest things. not the "never thought she'd say something like that" type of nasty but the seriously nastiest thing. almost like they've been holding the words back in their time of being "nice" and now they don't care and is letting it all out.

others are such as -

1. the most permiscuous one ends up mindlessly falling the hardest;

2. the one who never had a comment ends up being the most judgemental one;

3. the toughest one ends up falling into depression;

4. the virgin Mary ends up becoming the slut;

5. the good kid, under "too much pressure" ends up becoming the drop out who's at the brink of an OD at the alleyway;

6. the obedient kids end up going against their parents in the most cruel/hurtful/forceful way;

of course not all of them.. but u see what I mean. people who almost forces themselves to live a certain way or be a certain way almost always end up "giving up" and heading towards the opposite direction...

is this all because we don't practice moderation or because we're in such denial of who we are because we don't admit we can't possibly live up to the expection we've set for ourselves?

I always try not to use "never"... it helps keep the conscious clean - and it helps make u look less like an idiot at the end of the day.

... by the way, while I'm on this, let's not forget the otherrr type out there. the ones who shamelessly promotes themselves as "i never judge people" and "I never talk behind someone's back" when everyone knows they do... those are seriously the ones who make me cringe the most. look in the mirror, asshole. yes, YOU. I seriously hope he reads this.

now lastly, here's MY disclaimer - I'm in no way saying any of the above doesn't apply to me. :) and if u wanna rub one in my face, I'm calling first dibs for the kettle! so u can be the pot! :) xx

ps: this is just an observation... :) don't mean any harm. except to that asshole of course :)