.ASKING TOO MUCH FROM ME.

If you dont already know,
Im "sorta" famous for one thing...
(Actually, its not that Im famous for this...
Its just, people loves paying too much attention on this aspect of my life)

But as I was saying,
PEOPLE sees me as the type of gal who changes boyfriends like toothbrushes.

(Note: I said toothbrush, because its not something you change every month,
but something u perhaps change more than once a year?
Thus, when compared to boyfriends,
it could be considered a bit too much)

ANYWAY...
My dilemma at the moment is this:

Have you ever hooked up with someone that your close friends/family has already labelled "A Bad Idea"?

Most of you, Im sure you'd say yes.

How about,
Have you ever hooked up with someone that your close friends/family has already labelled "A Bad Idea" - More than once?

Some of you would be too afraid to say yes,
and if you're one of those persons,
DONT READ ON.

But if you know what I mean,
and you totally understand how it feels to be in my shoe,
I've got another question for you:

When the relationship ends (for whatever reason),
I guess its only natural for the people who warned you to say,
"I knew that was gonna happen!"

And since it isn't the first time,
You would naturally feel embarrassed to show your true emotions in front of them,
and furthermore,
Knowing that they would worry,
Wouldn't it only be natural for you to put on a strong face and convince everyone (and yourself) and you're capable of moving on just fine??

And another question is,
Eventhough you have gone through this situation more than once,
(and people would probably say "I told you so")
Does that NOT entitle you to be depressed about the break up??
Are you seriously expected to be able to cruise through the break up,
and on to your next conquest??

Well,
From how I see it,
(and IT IS a biased view point, seeing that I am a party to this mess)
The least I can do for others to make up to the fact that my relationship had in fact, like they warned, failed;
is to try my best not to make them worry about me,
By trying my best to be able to control my level of depression when I'm with them,
and try my best to be normal around them.
NO?

Then comes that point where a person decides to push all your wrong buttons,
and threatens to peel down the wall of your genuine attempt to make everything better.

You start hearing things like,

"We just dont understand why didn't you listen in the first place."
"We already told you that it wont work out."
"We dont want to see you like this."
"He is my friend, I know him more than you do.
When I said he is wrong for you, you should have listened!"
"You got into this relationship knowing it would end this way!"
"Why do you always get yourself into these messes?"
"You know that touching the pot would burn you, but u touched it anyway!"
"This is not the first time! Why dont u ever listen?"
"Do you see what your problem is?!"
"How many times do you have to go through this to see whats wrong?"
"You've done this so many times, it is only natural for me to take it lightly!"
"I can't see you like every other person who breaks up because you've inflicted this on yourself too many times!"
"You should be fine after experiencing this so many times!"

and above all,

"We dont want u to ACT like you're all happy because that worries us!
We would rather you show your true emotions instead of putting on an act!
If you want to be happy, we want you to be REALLY happy! Not Acting!"

Well,
What can I say to all of the above??

Am I totally out of my mind to feel strangled?
Am I unreasonable to feel as if I dont know what to be in front of others?
I didn't want them to worry,
Therefore I only allowed my despressed emotions to surface when Im alone.

In fact,
THEY WOULDNT EVEN HAVE KNOWN THAT I WAS THIS DEPRESSED
If I wasnt the one who SAID that I am actually depressed!
(and I only DID admit my depression because of the above statements)
Cuz all this while,
I've been trying to hold it together because I didn't want others to worry.

And YEs,
My temper has been (at times) Awful.
And my level of patience is very low...
And I know I should probably hold myself together MORE in order to hide these feelings,
But is it really that WRONG if it shows once in a while?

Is it because I've gone through this so many times,
I do not have my entitlement to be sad after a break up?
To have mood swings?
To be in bad moods?

I HAVE MOOD SWINGS EVEN WHEN IM NOT GOIN THROUGH A BREAK UP!
Why do people become SO MUCH MORE judgmental because they expect me to be a PRO when it comes to handling a broken heart??

WHAT DO THEY EXPECT FROM ME??

And I know this isnt what they think,
But I HAVE A MIND OF MY OWN to realise that the relationship everyone had warned me against HAD in fact FAILED,
and I should not put any extra pressure on ANYONE because I brought this upon myself!
Thats why I've been trying to handle this on my own...
ButI just feel like they're not even giving me that chance!

I DO NOT WANT TO TROUBLE ANYONE.
I CAN AND WILL HANDLE THIS ON MY OWN.
JUST DONT EXPECT ME TO BE PERFECTLY FINE.
IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK????

And if you're worrying about me,
TELL ME...
TELL ME WHAT I CAN DO TO END YOUR WORRIES.
BECAUSE I HAD NO INTENTION OF MAKING ANYONE SUFFER FOR MY MISTAKE.
SO TELL ME...
WHAT CAN I DO??
HOW SHOULD I BE??
HOW SHOULD I ACT??
WHAT SHOULD I SAY???

I've been going out like normal,
Talking like normal,
Watching tv and eating dinner,
And shopping for my party,
and have been having normal conversations,
FILLED with laughter and fun and OK-ness,
WHAT MORE CAN I DO???

And mind you,
This is the FIRST time I had openly broke down since the break up.
And MIND YOU AGAIN,
It has only been 5 days since the break up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT DO U WANT FROM ME?!

IM NOT EVEN ASKING FOR YOUR SUPPORT OR YOUR SHOULDER TO CRY ON.
I DONT EVEN NEED YOU TO SAY "ITS OK. YOU'LL BE FINE."!

I know how it feels to have to deal with a person who's got never-ending recurring problems.
I know it would suck for those people to have to deal with me all the time,
especially when in their minds,
I had brought this upon myself.
THATS WHY I HAVENT GONE TO ANYONE.
AND I DONT NEED ANYONE.
JUST AS LONG AS YOU LET ME BE.

Burnt once, shame on you,
Burnt twice, shame on Me.

I KNOW THAT.
THATS WHY I KNOW BETTER THAN TO TROUBLE ANYONE.
SO LET ME BE. PLEASE.
WHY CANT I EVEN GET THAT?!

Its not like Im locking myself in my room,
and crying and sulking and not eating and etc!
I HAVE BEEN NORMAL FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!

AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO ASSURE YOU THAT MY NORMALCY IS IN FACT "GENUINE" NORMALNESS?!
ISNT THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK???