.a positive day.

today, i sat at a cafe during lunch, eating a tiramisu cake alone. it felt empowering at first, then slowly, i started getting bored. the people walking around queen st weren't that interesting. boo.

but its good, at least it was boredom rather than patheticism... :) - and thanks to nanda who joined me after that!! i'll seriously consider the "holiday working visa to uk" thing...

also, it was great seeing pierre and cynthia today. they visited me at work. it was cute how both of them kinda looked at me, silently, with a look that was a mixture of concern and doubt as to whether i was okay after erwann left. :) they're so sweet. can't wait to catch up again. :)

... cant believe its only been a week since he left me. :(

ANYWAY, on a different note, (and a more upbeat one, thank God!) i had a thought today...

how great was it that i was given the honour of giving a speech about my good friend Mouzam at his engagement party? :) it just reaaaally sunk in, that that moment is going to live in my memory for ever.

it truly was special and truly was a huge honour. a very sweet symbol and memory to our 7 year friendship.

imagine, in the future when our kids meet and make friends with each other, i can tell them, "mummy and uncle mouzam are very good friends. mummy spoke at his engagement party, telling everyone how wonderful he is."

*awww*

SO... friends, anyone's next?? :)

i'm on a good-friends-engagement-speech high!

... and again, i'd like to wish all the love and happiness in the world to mouzam and his fiancee, faziya. they make a beautiful couple. :)

.more photos on facebook.

.day 5: post 4th october.

sorry for the melodramatic-ness... just sorta keeping a diary of my progress here. if you don't mind. its therapeutic. :)

just noting that i have been fine. its sunday already. that makes it a week since he's left my side. feels like eternity. i'm not lonely, but i just feel incomplete without him. BUT i have been fine. the strength to hang on and continue being fine is still strong...

although, as you would've noticed... the title of the post highlights "day 5"...

because on the night of day 5, i crashed... a little.

it was unexpected, because i thought i had my basis covered. i've blocked out the things i shouldn't be thinking about, but somehow one innocent thought killed me. it was weird.

i was under my quilt, snuggling up, when i thought to myself "my new quilt is awesome. so fluffy. so comfortable. awesome buy!" - thats when i recalled how him and i had bought it together 2 weeks before he left, becuz i needed a bigger quilt for my new double bed... and how he's kept the little sample piece of the quilt with him, like a little pillow.

those thoughts then led to me, recalling all the times we went shopping together. laughed together. embarrassed one another. annoyed the crap outta each other. - and with those sweet but poisonous thoughts, i fell apart.

i just missed him so much. so so much. so much, i couldn't hold back the tears.

BUT... i'm okay now. its a new day. :)

TODAY, i bought a new pair of stilettos for $50! love it!! wore it to mouzam's engagement party. which reminds me, HAPPY ENGAGEMENT BUDDY!!!! you looked soOOo cuteee!!! - photos shall be uploaded soon!

oxxxox

.after math.

its been 2 days since he left... so i guess its about time to ask the question:

"how is sherlene?"

truth is, i haven't found the nerve to ask, because right now, sherlene is marching on. strong. she hasn't been crying (too much) and she hasn't been spreading negative chi around the people around her (not that she knows of anyway)...

because she's made a deal with herself - even if it means being in denial for a while - that she's not going to allow herself to -

• get sucked into the whole "i just lost my boyfriend" emotional drama;
• take sympathy on herself;
• think that she's lost the love of her life;
• cry every single night;
• show up at work looking unprofessional;
• use this as another reason not to progress in life, especially career wise;
• become all down and negative and hard to be around;
• think being single again sucks;
• lose the positive energy he has planted in her, because he truly has changed the way she thinks and feel about... life.

:)

he's my inspiration - and right now, the most important person (family aside) in my life. before he left, he restored something in me that i haven't been able to believe in for a while now; he gave me the greatest and most unconditional gift...

... the gift of love.

and with that, i shall not allow myself to fall apart.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" - Moulin Rouge

.mooncake festival.3/10/09.

.airport.4/10/09.

xox

.13 hours till...

my roller coaster sunday is here.

i have 13 hours more to hang on tight to the happiness i found 8.5 months ago.

... and yep.

the heart is definitely breaking.

.5 days till...

yeap.

sunday is the day.

ok ok.

keeping things slightly positive,

i've got a job interview on friday.

a legal job.

we'll see what happens.

fingers crossed.

***

by the waaay... i had this blonde moment a week ago - [while working...]

me: yes, we have baby bracelets. *notices the customer pregnant* - so its for your baby?
customer: yes it is.

me: first child?

customer: i'm having 2 girls.

me: at the same time?

customer: *looks at her mother, smiling, then repeating...* she asked if i was having my babies at the same time...

... of course, i realized the silliness of my question almost instantly, so we ended up laughing about it. *ahem*

gosh... imagine me in a court room cross examining. what a joke. lol.

.the count down begins: 13 days.

13 more days before he leaves. thats less than 2 weeks. im hopelessly standing here as my heart breaking moment approaches at full force, with no mercy.

he bid his housemates of 6 months farewell tonight. tears were exchanged, even from me. watching others say their teary goodbyes was enough to hammer me to the ground. it definitely shook my confidence in terms of my own strength to stand up when i watch him walk out of my life.

can it really be next sunday? really? i mean, already?! bloody hell its too soon. :( we've still got things on our list of to-dos. im crumbling. i am.

... and this is what i've assigned julia to do. to slap me out of these type of fogs.

*sigh*

on a funnier note, him and i were talking about how we both thought we would've broken up before this day came; but obviously it didn't happen. now we're both left thinking, "if only we did, we wouldn't be in the crapper right now."

thats funny, right? :)

ok, maybe not.

."she's such a slut" - says who?.

i dont know if every girl does this, but when you look into your past school year book, you're somehow able to point out certain girls with whom you'd attach this comment to -

"she was a bitch/slut (back then)."

it got me thinking, what exactly is it that makes a girl a bitch or slut back in those days?

upon posting that question to some of my girls, i concluded that everyone has a different reason. and here are some that came up -

1. she was a bitch because of the way she snobbishly stared down at people.

2. she was a slut because she was always throwing herself at guys.

3. she was a slut because she had gone through so many different boyfriends throughout her years in school.

4. she was a bitch because she snagged someone else's guy.

5. she was a slut because she was having sex or doing sexual things at that age (teen years).

6. she was a bitch because she spreads lots of gossip about others.

7. she was a slut because she always wore her skirt too short.

8. she was a bitch because she's always speaking her mind without caring about other's feelings.

9. she was a bitch because my best friend says so.

10. she was a bitch because she hooked up with the guy she knew i liked.

11. she was a slut because everyone knows she cheated on her boyfriend!

... and the reasons continue.

*hmm*

personally... i think its safe to conclude that, no matter what you do or how u act or who you are, like it or not, you're a bitch/slut to somebody - as per their personal definition of those words.

so, my rule (for myself) is to:

make an effort to be nice/good/respectful (in my definition) to others and myself, closest to the social norms/standards of my community; and if thats still not enough for some people, meh. i can't please everyone now, can i?

DISCLAIMER: i wasn't referring to anyone or even myself when i opened that discussion about bitches or sluts in school. :) - although others may beg to differ. :P

.the clock is ticking.

its been a while since my last post; somehow pressuring me to make this a quality post. heh.. :) tough luck.

ANYWAY... i haven't change since. still the same ol' lass who gets sucked into drama here and around.

the boyfriend is leaving in less than a month back to France. everyone i've spoken to (mostly sales assistants when im in the shop shopping for my guy) has asked me the same question, "so, are you going?" - yea. like its that simple, huh?

sigh. there's so much i wanna say/type/blog about; but i don't know where to start.

although one thing i do know is i'm trying so hard to convince myself that i will be okay when he leaves. im sure you know how it feels to feel tough one day, and ever so fragile the next. hmm...

i guess if its any consolation, its not the first time i've had to say goodbye to a boyfriend at the airport. its not the first time i had pick myself up from crumbling. its not the first time i had to feed myself with lies that "we'll see each other again"... (cuz i've honestly not seen any of the 3 guys i've sent off, even when they're just in Malaysia... let alone France!)

ANYWAY... i know people say this all the time, but i somehow feel different this time. i dont know if its because my biological clock is ticking; but i can honestly say, this time... i kinda feel like... i'm sending off a guy that i can actually see myself spending the rest of my life with... :(

... and this is when the fragile side of me takes over.