May 30, 2009

.victim of my admission.

i recently admitted that i get defensive in arguments very easily, and tend to argue defensively a lot.

now, disregarding the efforts i feel i've been putting in to change this 'habit', tell me, do i at least deserve a little benefit of the doubt that sometimes i may actually be arguing 'properly'?

because it pisses me off that now, as soon as i say something in an argument, it automatically becomes, "ooooh... sherlene is being defensive again! thats why she's not backing down!"

but what if i really disagree with something thats being said?

can i not say something without people thinking i'm taking things personally and being defensive?

AND ON THE OTHER HAND...

honestly, where's the wrong in saying something to defend myself when i actually do feel the need to speak up for myself?

NOW, be honest... reply as anonymous if u want, i promise i wont do an IP check. please tell me -

am i just being defensive again? or are people using my 'defensiveness' to judge my credibility and to simply overule my words without merits?

aaaargh!!!

p.s. i hate it when people refuse to open their minds to the fact that their words actually ARE OFFENDING ME, and use "you're just being defensive again!" as a way to make me feel stupid for feeling offended when any so-called "non-defensive" person would have felt offended anyway!

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

if you feel you are being attacked, you have every right to be defensive. people only point that out if your defenses are that good.. and they have nothing better to say anymore.

Anonymous said...

It's a matter of taking things personally. When people do that they tend to become defensive in arguments, because they feel every point is talking about them as a person (when it might not be the case). Because people naturally don't like to offend other people this can go two ways: 1) people back down from the overblown offence taken, or 2) people get angry because you have distorted their point.

Keep this up enough times and people will always paint you as the person who takes everything personally and cannot hold a rational argument, even if you think you have a legitimate point.

That said, the anonymous person above me has no idea what he or she is talking about.

.lennie.sam.lee. said...

so just to make sure i understood, in conclusion to what anon#2 said, the answer to "are people using my defensiveness to judge my credibility and to simply overrule my words without merits?"... is yes?

... and there's nothing i can do?

Anonymous said...

The wording of your question is loaded (look at the structure of your question) because of a few things: a) you already have no credibility with these people, and b) 'simply overrule my words without merits' isn't quite true. If you've been defensive about many subjects, then they aren't 'simply' overruling what you say, 'without merits', they are taking the next logical step of ignoring your arguments out of hand because they assume the counterpoints come from you being offended as opposed to you having a point. They've seen you get defensive enough times to assume when you disagree it's because you've taken offense at whatever conversational topic is at hand. This is bad because when something you truly disagree with comes up (like you mentioned), no one will pay attention to you.

So I imagine if you want to be seen as someone who can hold a reasonable debate, then you'd have to be able to detach your emotions from whatever issue is being debated instead of shifting into high gear as soon as a nerve is struck.

Anonymous said...

idiot... you do it SO often that people will switch to auto on u...

and why do you need to get into arguments ALL the time??!
Sometimes... shutting up is the best defense.. Take it coming from me..


-ENd-

.lennie.sam.lee. said...

thanks ivan. i think.

anon#3, im assuming u're anon#2 too? thanks for ur advice and insight. part of me wants to prove people wrong by detaching, but i guess it'll have to depend on my luck on what type of 'disagreements' come up next. sadly, another part of me wish i didnt so openly disclose my defensiveness, giving people a clear upperhand from the start.

and calling it the "next 'logical' step" answered my question. sigh.

Anonymous said...

u told everyone to leave an anonymous message and now u are saying my name out??!!

Anonymous said...

Your reply and the tone you adopt indicates you only wanted to hear certain things, i.e. not 'wanting to give people the upperhand', people discounting what you say 'without merit', etc.

You still feel justified in being defensive yet cannot understand when people don't like to debate with you because of it. It's not always about needing to be right.

.lennie.sam.lee. said...

is the last anon the same person as anon#2 and #3? yikes i've confused myself... but anywayz, okay. thanks for further inputs anonymouses. :)

sorry if i dont see things clearly straight away. not easy when i dont have the clear mind of a third party. but i do appreciate your thoughts...

i do however admit that i love justifying things. cant help it sometimes. dont know whats up with me. its both a gift and a curse... sigh. IM SORRRYYYY...

and sorry ivan. whoops! did it again! lol

Anonymous said...

Heh? I only posted 1 comment so far... this being 2nd.. >.<

-ENd-

Anonymous said...

What?? Its Ivan here and I have not posted anything yet. Who is trying be me?? Please anon#2 and anon#3 identify yourself!!

.lennie.sam.lee. said...

yer... issit u guys very free ah? :P