.my list just got more serious.

4 years ago... i wrote a list (for fun)... i reviewed it a year ago and still believed it. and whether its healthy for me or not, i still think that list is bloody awesome.

... because despite what others may believe, i honestly and sincerely believe i found him. a guy who really pulled off becoming "the closest to perfection". its almost like he read the list and programmed himself to suit.... *....hmm - naaah...* but go figure.

since then... i learnt more. *yeap, you can shake your head in disapproval now* - but in all seriousness... from my recent adventure, i actually found more... "essentialties" in a relationship. [...yes, i created that word - pronounced 'essential-tees']

now, u don't have to agree with me, but here goes -

***

1. find someone you that makes you want to give them everything, not to show them how much you care or to prove your love for them, not even "because they deserve it", but because you honestly can't tell yourself not to.

2. find someone that you can trust to never give up on you because you failed them or yourself or the relationship; someone who would instead pump in more effort and energy to make things right for the both of you because they know u're in this together, especially when one is momentarily weak.

3. find someone who would stand up for you against any negativity when you need them to, in a way that shows they honestly believe in you and your ability and strength, not because you can't stand up for yourself, but because they can sense your vulnerability in your silence without you having to express it.

4. find someone who would, despite whatever they believe in, always make you feel assured and confident in their special affection and care for you, especially when it matters most.

5. find someone who sees you both as one against everything else; not meaning to rob each other of the ability to stand on your own and be independent, but as one against anything that tries to break you two apart.

***

now i really can say goodbye to finding mr.perfect, huh?

thats alright, i'll feed my soul with a successful career and be one of those woman with no soul and a steel heart. hey... that could come in handy in some areas of law, don't you think? ;)

.think of me.

officially ONE MONTH since he left.

i think i've found a song that is now the official song for my thoughts when i think of him... its david archuleta's version of "think of me" - made famous by the movie phantom of the opera.

listening to it makes my knees buckle, eyes water and have a heavy 'something' weighing upon my heart.

i read an article recently about losing someone you love. she wrote, "i wasn't afraid to cry every day. i wasn't going to pretend everything was okay because it wasn't, because i knew someday reality will catch up with me." - reading that got me worried...

because all this time, i havent been too upfront with myself. i havent allowed the tears to come as freely as i probably should... and now i'm left wondering what will become of me when it finally does.

you'll probably read about it soon enough. my apologies in advance. but till then -

Think of me, think of me fondly

when we've said goodbye

Remember me once in a while

please promise me you'll try

When you find that, once again, you long

to take your heart back and be free

if you ever find a moment

spare a thought for me

We never said our love was evergreen

or as unchanging as the sea

but if you can still remember

stop and think of me

Think of all the things

we've shared and seen

don't think about the things

which might have been

Think of me, think of me waking,

silent and resigned.

Imagine me, trying too hard

to put you from my mind.

Recall those days

look back on all those times,

think of the things we'll never do

there will never be a day,

when I won't think of you

Flowers fades,

The fruits of summer fade,

They have decisions, so do we

but please promise me, that sometimes

you will think of me...

Think of Me - David Archuleta

.fingers crossed for the little one.

loooong loooong days ahead.

full friday and saturday. *fuh*

anywayz,

have funnn sheensie poo!!!

the world can truly be wonderful sometimes...

lets see my gal prove it :)

xox

.we're loved; SO loved.

finally...

good news are headed this way.

and that means one thing -

celebrate.

great night at the met.

more festivities to come!

thank you :)

.i'll be your voice.

this may sound sick to many people, but i can now clearly state that -

i find true pleasure and enjoyment in speaking for others.

whether its telling someone else's story to another person for the person (sheensie-poo gets a lot of me doing that...) or helping them argue or make a point... i'm there! :)

like, taking recent examples: i'd listen to their problems. they'd ask for my opinion as to what i'd do in their situation. instantly, i'd say something along the lines of... "i'd say..." - and then feel, yea, that sounded really good. i think that'd do the trick. - which would then give me a strong urge to WANT TO SAY IT FOR THEM...

full of sh*t? smart arse (like ivan)? bloody nosy? or perhaps, born to be an advocate? ;) hehee... either way, i find it amusing. whats my problem, right...? :P

note: u don't have to find it amusing too.

.a song for right now.

i was telling julia tonight how i havent really broke down and cry since he left. we then concluded, there shall come a day when the floodgates will be opened and everything would come crashing down.

yippee. imagine my joy and anticipation...

then i heard this old delta goodrem song on my mp3. i only just updated my song list and had chucked a dozen of older songs in there. this was one of them...

... definitely not a good idea. 2 words. breaking point.

***

if it's okay

i'll leave the bed light on,

and place your water glass where it belongs;

and if it's alright

i'll lie awake at night,

pretending i am curled up at your side...

see i'm circling in these patterns

living out of memories;

i'm still a long way from accepting it

that there's just no you and me...

but if i still believe you love me,

maybe i'll survive;

so i tell myself you're coming home,

like you've done a million times;

and if it's alright,

i'll still be loving you...

'cause i can't break it to my heart...

***

.at that point.

i think... something in me broke yesterday.

nothing physical.

i'm talking about matters of the heart.

unexpected and unwelcome tears burned my eyes...

i wasn't even thinking about sad thoughts.

perhaps thats how it is when the heart cries.

when the mind plays no part in it...

and i think, that's what's scary.

i dont think i'm entirely ready to let go.

but i do know that,

something in me has definitely given up...

and it hurts.

.3 minute random day dream.

was listening to anberlin's "inevitable" ...and ended up imagining a conversation taking place between a guy and a girl who has always longed for one another, and are finally given a chance to sit together at a quiet spot at a park somewhere, after their first 'real' date...

Inevitable - Anberlin

***

girl smiles at guy... looking away slightly, anticipating the next course of events that might take place between them...

slowly their heads tilt towards each other, although still not directly face to face.

guy, whispers knowingly to girl, "kiss me only when you're ready..."

girl, in a small voice, asked, "ready... for what?" - turning to look up at guy, again just slightly.

guy looks into girl's eyes, "ready to give me your last first kiss..."

***

purely fictional, mind you.

most people don't do cheesy anymore.

***

p.s. happy supposedly 9th month anniversary my dear ELN...