September 18, 2007

.another dear diary entry.

Mid-Sem Holidays are coming up.
Just 5 more days to go.
The thing is, I dont really get a break.
Lets just say,
I've been break-ing for the past weeks...
And this is when I really need to prepare my bullets for war.

I THINK I've got my work under control,
and my plan of attack SHOULD make things flow smoothly...
Sigh.
Final Semester can be so scary.
Well lets hope this is my final semester.

I'm applying for my Legal Practice Course tomorrow.
Its for next year's intake.
Jan-June 2008.
I read the course overview and realised...
Although the PLT is kinda like studying at Uni,
Its tailored more to resemble the real world.

I'll be having 9-5 working hours...
That also means,
Goodbye Life!
*sigh*

See?
This is why growing up is such a pain.
Every different stages you proceed to,
faces you with a whole different level of scare.
I can only hope that someday,
I'd look back to this stage as 'no biggie',
Just like how I feel when I think back to graduating from All Saints & SPM...
and moving to Australia.
Hmm...

Oh hey,
I just discovered a singer whom Im really growing to like.
Diana Krall.
She's pretty old-school.
She sings Jazz-like songs.
Her songs are the type you'd love to snuggle up in bed with.
Snuggle up in bed with someone, that is.
Also the type you'd slow dance to.
She's cool. I like her.

So Jimmy is back.
Everything seems great between us.
And we also managed to have a chat about things...
We decided that at this point,
Our "Relationship" is one that has EVERYTHING;
aside from Commitment & Security.
(We decided = I agreed reluctantly)
Well, he claims there is some security,
But frankly, I dont think so.

Without Commitment,
There can't be security...
And with him 'assuring' me that there isn't any commitment,
How can I possibly feel secure, yea?

Therefore,
I know I've probably said this many times before,
But seriously,
I've decided to actively search for someone better.
Someone who'd be able to give me what I want.
Like Zahrah said,
If the relationship doesnt give you what you need,
Maybe he's not the one.

Recalling the telephone convo I had with Shafeeq a couple of days earlier,
It made me remember how great it felt to be the apple of someone's eye.
To be cherished and to feel that he's more than content to be with you.
As if having you felt like all his Christmases had came at once.
I long to feel that way. I do.

So yea,

Right now,
I'd say my official status right now is -
Taken; But negotiable.


Oh.. and you know what?
See,
Jimmy and I have an open communication happenin for us.
And before he left for work today,
I asked him,
"So... on a scale from 1-10,
how much would u rate your flirting with other people out there?"

"8" - he said.
Say, I've really got to love and hate him for his honestly.

ps: Ivan,
I think i will meet up with Andres afterall.

ps 2: I think I know why Jimmy came into my life.
See, I've been calling him my Karma,
and that he's so similar to me when it comes to relationships.

You know what that means?
I'm being showed exactly how I've made my past boyfriends felt.
All those insecurities and my lack of commitment.
I HATE THAT FEELING.
Hence, I shouldn't make anyone else feel the way I do now.

So...
Ok...
Now that I've learnt my lesson,
Does that mean its time for Jimmy to go?
So now can I finally start building a long term relationship with someone?
(and most definitely treat them much better than how I would have in the past)

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