.another realisation?.

I had a nice chat with Jimmy last nite.
Made me realise lots of things.
For the first time,
I was completeeeeely honest with him.

I told him we were alike.
I told him WHY we were alike.
I even gave him examples of how we are alike.

And we also took out the past and broke it down,
and analysed how we dealt with past rships...
and I was completely honest about how I was,
what I was thinking,
and about why I did the things I did.

Then I realised one thing that both applied to him and I.
We've both been tru too many past relationships,
which in their own way, had hurt bits of us...
And then we both had a some-what big blow in (at least) one of the rships,
and somehow never recovered.

Therefore,
From that point on...
Our guards were up.
Whether we admit it or not,
we never really allow ourselves to commit to a relationship.

Yes, some feelings would naturally be invested.
Yes, we'd care about the other person.
Yes, we'd be sweet and do things to make us feel like we're great partners,
and that we deserved to be with who we're with...

But in the end,
We'd always be able to walk away and think,
"yeaa... as expected. (sigh) meh! time to move on."

AND THIS WAS WHEN I REALISED why my relationships dont work.

Well, I have always known that...
I tend to run away when things get rough.
EVEYTIME.
When the relationship loses its care-free-ness,
turns a bit more serious,
and when more mumble-jumble arises...
Thats precisely when I flee.
And my excuse was always that there were problems,
and we werent right for each other,
and its just too hard...

But in true fact,
SOMETHING I REALISED LAST NITE...
It wasn't becuz I'm addicted to the honeymoon days in Rships,
It wasn't becuz I'm easily bored,
It wasn't becuz he wasn't the right guy...
But I honestly think,
I run so quickly becuz I never really cared enough to stay.

See, I never allowed myself to get too involved,

(self-defence mechanism from past hurts & set backs)

hence never feeling that "want" to stick around and fight for my rships.

You know how they say,
"When the going gets tough, the tough gets going?" -
For me its more like,
"When the going gets tough, Sherlene gets going."

Hmm...
Moral of the story...
"Love like You'd Never Get Hurt"?

Easier said than done.
Sigh.

Remember I said how I was completely honest with Jimmy?
Well...
I even told him how (at the beginning of our rship) I was gonna give "me and him" a shot at being something more than my usuals...
But after our "(he's) not ready to settle" discussion,
I told myself...
"Sherlene, its time to get back in the game."
(And I did... ^^)

He didnt say anything back.
He just hugged me tighter.
God knows what that meant.