.overthinking everything, so humour me.

ivan officially left brisbane today. hearts are emptier, im sure. i'll miss him alot. and here's my apology in advance for failing to stay in contact, cuz i really suck when it comes to that. :( but i'm sure we'd still be close regardless. same with stan. :)

right before ivan left though, we had a few long chats about everything. one convo that got me thinking the most was when ivan told me about my "before" and "after". 

he said, back in our high school days, i use to be more 'in control' of things. i took on responsibilities and executed plans and etc really well. a leader. he said it was a quality he admired.

but now, he said i either never improved or i could be losing it. he no longer thought that way of me. and i didn't know how to feel about that. worst yet, i somehow couldn't say he was wrong. :(

another thing i've been thinking alot about is this:

QUESTION FOR THE GUYS. 

i live in a house with 3 other girls. 3 other not-bad-looking, if not hot, young girls. if i met a new guy and took him home and introduced them to my girls, how would he feel and what would he think?

a. hey, her girlfriends are pretty cool. would be fun to hangout together. im so lucky. i get one awesome girl and the company of three others; or

b. oh my god. this is like the playboy mansion. i wish i didn't already choose one! the others are hot too! i wonder if im their type too. how am i gonna go about checking all of them out?; or

c. i think one is really funny. and that other one is really hot, while the other one is so nice. what if i make a better connection with one of them?! shit. get me out of here before i cheat.

d. hey, 3 other hot girls. maybe i can introduce them to the guys. they'd think i'm the man.

e. none if the above. [please insert your thoughts]

ANYWAY... here are some pictures to change the subject -

.im hot and im cold.

happy birthday my darling brother! bloody old fart. :)

short (or not so short) updates:

x. things back home are fine. fingers and toes crossed, and touch a million wood to avoid jinxing anything.

x. "he" made it to brisbane afterall. spent my after works on both thursday and friday with him. thursday night with his friends (i ended up going to the bbq and had a good time socialising) and friday night with my friends (and some of his).

x. glad he met my friends. he apparently loves them. (who wouldn't, hey? - i hang with awesome peeps!!) but im yet to receive feedback from my friends (if any) about my loud french guy and his psychoticness. :P

x. glad i spent more time getting to know his friends, and me and him are more than just me and him now. if u know what i mean. ok, i mean, im glad we can function together outside our own little world. (i admit, i had doubts.)

x. anyway, things started off weird because we didn't know where we stood with each other. we took the role of the "ex" for a while, until we finally caved at the bbq when he said, "let's just tell them we're a couple" and we leaned in for a long awaited kiss.

x. on a different note, i felt something really weird tonight when i saw one of my ex hand in hand with a girl who wasn't his girlfriend. made my mind race to the point where i started feeling angry at him. i dont know if its because i know and like his girlfriend, or because it reminded me of the time he cheated on me when we were together. felt like a slap in the face. like, "yep... he was probably doing the exact same thing when he was with u. and yes, that was how ugly he made u look to others." - out in the open, parading his 'mistress', taking her to social events with him, proudly introducing the new girl to his friends... where's the respect? :( oh, and it doesn't help that the new girl IS hotter. ugh. im disgusted.

ANYWAY...

x. i also hate the fact that my frenchie is hanging out alot with these kinds of people. people who believes in polygamous relationships. i wont call it "open" because these people are clearly cheating. its not a mutual "okay, we can see other people" kinda thing. it's the "suzie, i love u" and "jennifer, you're the only one in my life" type of shit. and the worst part is, they seem to feel proud of it. how immature and sad. but my point is, what are the odds that he's probably got someone else in the gold coast while stringing me here in brisbane, hey? heck, i can juggle that if i wanted to.

*grr* (the angry way, not the sexy tiger.)

.dark clouds.

right before i woke up this morning, i dreamt i was crossing a street in southbank and saw a dead cat... beside it was a damaged motorcycle and a tarap-head asian old man, bleeding and dead. i then look further and saw another dead cat... and next to it was a dead dog. then i saw the paramedics drive over. they turned out to be friends of mine from my foundation year (2003). they didn't seem to recognise me. - i then woke up feeling like crap.

today has been a bunch of bad news. i received bad news from home (kk). thursday (my day with erwann) isn't happening anymore because of last minute change-of-plans, and i was emotionally hurt by someone's words (although the hurt was mended by the end of the night- to a good-enough extent anyway.)

i'm gonna sleep it off. my eyes are puffy. sigh, work tomorrow.

p.s. don't ever take your parents for granted. call them just to say you love them at any chance you get. don't assume they know. you need to tell them often enough that they feel sick of you.

.dear thursday coming.

derek just posted another bunch of photos on facebook. totally random. there's one pic in there i wish to hack into derek's facebook account to delete tho... haha but one second thought, oh wells. i've got worse ones up there already anyway. (plus, i dunno how to hack)

BUT ANYWAYz...

he (my mr.oh-la-la) is coming up to brissie on thursday. so i guess this week is kinda like his turn to come to me. which is awesome. love how he picks me up after work. it always feel like the day just showered a million roses over me. :)

ON A LESS ROSY NOTE THOUGH... him and i had this sms-conversation last night -

him: Pierre is doing a BBQ on thursday night. i want you in my arms.
me: so did you want to meet before or after the BBQ?

him: i meant i want you to come to the BBQ with me.

me: oh, but wouldn't you want time to catch up with Pierre?

him: it's okay. i want to be with you.

me: but you haven't seen Pierre for a while. wouldn't you want time for guy talks? wouldn't it be weird if i was there?

him: ok. forget about the BBQ. i'll just see you after you finish work.

:(

clearly, my pushie-pullie indecisive attitude didn't impress him. lol. not to mention, today he shot me another message saying "i don't understand why you had to make such a simple thing so complicated" - i can't argue with that. sigh. it's a birth defect. boo.

but can you see what i was trying to do though? i wanted to give him room. didn't wanna be the clingy "must-bring-her-everywhere-i-go" type of girl-friend. (note to self: not a couple anymore) plus, i thought maybe he asked for courtesy purposes. totally reasonable, no? but he combated my reason by saying -

"if i invite you, it means i want you to come. i don't bother with courtesy invitations. i thought you knew me."

but everythings fine now. he called earlier, and we talked. i explained/apologised, he accepted. so it's all good. :) a bed of roses once again. *yes, roll your eyes at my cheesy grin*

okay. time for bed. thursday, come soon! xx 

.ivan's leaving brisbane (again).

QUESTION: when u wake up 7 minutes before your alarm clock is suppose to go off, do you go back to bed? especially when you know in 7 minutes, u need to get up to head to work? *brr*

today, i watched "he's just not that into you" again... at the cinema. honestly, its not THAT great, but for the second time, i teared up. lol it must've captured me, one way or another.

ANYWAY, we threw ivan a surprise going-away party last night. pictures are already on facebook. *kudos to derek for the efficiency* safe to say, we had a good time. made ivan puke after a couple of quick shots, so yea... mission accomplished.

here are some pics i snagged off facebook -

p.s. - its probably not apparent from the pics above, but we had a theme. :) in honour of ivan's colour fetish, it was "ORANGE". *rolleyes* :)

p.s. 2 - thanks for borrowing me ur dress sheens!

.thoughts on the bus.

was on the bus, on my way home and listening to my mp3 player. pretty typical, but i found myself thinking about something quite unusual...

i thought back of all the guys i dated (not like there're many *cough*), and imagined how my life would be like if i was still with them... 

i thought of the things we use to laugh about, and tried imagining myself still laughing at those jokes years later... some, i saw myself smiling. some, i yawned.

i thought of how my cousin, melissa was massaging her husband's head earlier tonight because he had a headache, and asked myself whether i would willingly do those things for anyone of my exes (assuming they were still my boyfriend at the time) in the middle of a social scene, in the midst of yapping away with my friends.

i thought of how i'd feel when the relationship turns serious and i'd finally allow myself to lean on him for love and support. would he be able to handle it? would he do enough to keep me feeling content with him?

in my mind, some exes crashed and burned. some, meh. bottom line though, i'm glad i (or we) made the choices that we did... because really, it truly truly wouldn't have worked. at least we're smart enough to not waste too much time forcing things. hah. don't get me wrong though, most of my exes are nice people.. some incredible. :) i hope they know who they are.

and yes, i know i have a part to play too.. but these are my imaginations, so i get the liberty to think of whatever aspect of my imaginary relationships as i wish. so beat it with the "do youuuu think you'd be good enough for him?!" questions cuz i'd think of that in my own time, thank you very much.

hmm. 

anyway, i drove to the gold coast yesterday. yes, in derek's words... i totally caved. i had a good day with him though. great, in fact. :) and thats all i'll say for now.

xxx

."twilight" made me reflect.

i watched "twilight" with the girls today, and three things jumped out and made me think -

- 1st thought -

Edward Cullen: That's what you dream about? Being a monster? 

Isabella Swan: I dream about being with you forever. 

***

the ever famous word, used between couples who are either naive (aka delusional) or unfailingly hopeful. "forever." im sure i've blogged about this before... but i can say, until now, the word still makes me feel weird. when was the last time you told someone you would love them forever, and is completely confident that you would/can? (parents/family not included) 

are these people just kidding themselves? or is there a silent implication that 'forever' also means 'now'? or is this an issue where when one (eventually) falls out of love, he/she would argue their defence on the fact that they "honestly tried/wanted to... but shit happens"?

soOoo... if that's the case, i really need to just chill it and live in the moment, hey? so, he says he will love me forever, i'd say me too. what's the big deal? after all, u're an idiot not to realize that a year from now, we'd probably be falling asleep in someone else's arms, uttering the same empty words that the moment has lead us both to believe... don't u think? so hey, chillax. savour the moment while you're satisfied and content with this person. say forever! yell it to the world! :)

sorry. i just sound bitter, don't i? hehee.

now... you're gonna laugh, but somehow, despite all the bullcrap i've said, i still look forward to the day i hypocritically use it. "i want to be with you forever." yea. someday i will say those words and feel like a mean it. 

till then, HAHA.

- 2nd thought - 

teenagers seem to "know what they want". they can forcefully argue with the world about who they "love", what they like, who's the bitch/slut, and more. is it that they don't know better because like the older people say "they just kids!"? or did we really know better back then? when we weren't polluted by all the cynicism and skepticism that age and bad experiences had shown us?

- 3rd thought -

Edward Cullen: I leave you alone for two minutes and the wolves descend. 

just quickly, if you've watched twilight... is edward cullen a possessive boyfriend? is overprotectiveness = possessive? am i the only one who finds this trait a little sufforcating? am i gonna be called out on having some sort of 'commitment phobic' again?

sigh. time to rest. ta!

.can no longer express myself.

its been a week since i last saw him.

but my feelings for him are still the same. :(

was at the gold coast with derek, ivan and wynna today. i could've seen him, but i didn't. although i wanted to, so much. hmm... for some reason, that thought makes me feel more upset than actually not seeing him.

i told ivan yesterday that im fine. that i dont feel the pain. instead, all just feels numb. it really does. i told him maybe its because my head has taken over my heart. ignored whatevers going on with the heart, and move on according to what the head says. logic & rationalism has prevailed.

do i feel sad? - i shouldn't. 

am i happy? - ... i dont feel that either. 

... but i do know that lately, any remotely sad movie can make me cry. my alternate emotion-outlet?

maybe its PMS. yea. that must be it.

p.s. my baby sheensie poo is back in brissie!! yay! more good says ahead! :)

p.s. :( i knew it could've been love...