.where is the love?.

love is a strong word, i know. i rarely ever use it myself. but thats beyond the point...

just continuing from the rants on my earlier post, i just wanna say... i'm not asking for everlasting love. i'm not that naive to expect life and relationship to be a bed of roses. i'm not saying two people who gets together cannot eventually break up.

im just looking to share something with someone that genuinely gives me hope that it could last; and if it doesn't, i can look back knowing that i've put out 101% of my heart and have received 101% in return.

just not another one of those "disclaimed" relationships. u know, relationships where a disclaimer is marked from the beginning of things, really just damning the whole thing from the start.

what room is left for the heart to expand under such circumstance? where both party would be afraid to give any more than they dare to, becuz they know at the end of the day, if they get burnt, the disclaimer is already blinking brightly at them, saying, "i've warned youu!"...

some may see it as being 'honest'. thats what HE called it. foolishly, i bought it and thought i was lucky to be in such an honest relationship. i let him convince me that it was right for us to state from the beginning that "if we find someone better, we should move on", also translating to mean, "you're free to actively seek other people, while in the meantime, i sit back and become your fall back plan".

i can't believe i thought i was happy; although i pride myself in believing that i did not allow myself to fall for him completely because of this.

but before i know it, 7 months passed. i spent 7 months with a guy who never made me feel like i could be the one for him. he'd beat around the bush, telling me how i'd make a perfect long term companion, then say thats not what he wants right now.

and i waited... i overlooked all the dirt i found of him, i hoped for the day where the time will be right, i sat back, and continued waiting. waiting for the moment he would tell me that the right girl was in his arms all along and he finally sees it. waiting for my que to be able to let myself fall. fall for the guy i knew could potentially be the one for me, right from the start.

7 months passed. i woke up; woke up and realised this wait wont be bringing me what i want. no matter how long i waited and how much i hoped. it wont bring me what i deserve. so... i walked away.

and if i learnt anything, it'd be not to waste another 7 months on someone who had never spent a single day of that 7 months seeing you the way u've seen him.

its terrifying to give up on someone u've invested emotions with. its terrifying to give up on that last shread of hope that he would wake up one day to realise he cannot live without u. but its only when you allow yourself to bravely take that step, you'd be able to someday look back and see it for what it truly was.

dont shoot him on the first date; but trust that your heart will tell you when it has had enough. when that happens, just take a deep breath and turn ur back on it. cuz really, i promise you that if you mean anything to him, he wouldn't let you go.

xox