.did someone turn the lights out?.

i dont know where to begin to explain everything that has happened in the past few days. personally, i dont think turning 24 has changed anything much. perhaps it really is just a number.

the past week suddenly feels like a blur. from endless birthday dinners, one after the other, to barack obama's inauguration, to a nite out of wildness and booze, to having something then losing it... my head feels like its still spinning.

but in the midst of the whirlwind of events above, i did however manage to find a person who really stuck to his words, through and through. u see, many people describe themselves without truly knowing whether they're who they say they are, especially when times get rough. but he hasn't disappoint.

"cool as a cucumber" - i think he used that term a couple of times. but on top of that, he's also patient, loving and kind. those are the things he made me feel he could be; and as it turns out, he really is. he went extra milesss to be there for me. he's the guy who would kiss your shoulder and forehead to assure you that he cares. he'd really try to understand when he says he would, even when it means putting his own feelings aside. he'd hold your hand when you're stumbling, put faith in you when you're losing the battle with yourself, and he'd really try when he says he would. and even when all is crumbling, as cool as a cucumber he remained.

... and because of that, i feel even more broken and torn up inside. my heart is constantly playing this game of tug and war, where one moment i feel that i've found what i wanted, and the next, im back questioning things and feeling confused. is it him? it is freedom? is it now?

unfortunately, after a million and one pushes and pulls, reasons and excuses, i find myself convinced of something heart breaking. and that is "i do know how it feels to be hooked on someone. for one, you don't bother with so many thoughts!" - and with that thought, i took a step forward and braved whats ahead.

***

an hour ago, i was in the car with sheena, heading to the airport when i told her this:

"right now, i can honestly say that i'm very sure of one thing about myself... i really have no idea what i want."