June 9, 2006

.fishin into the bag of "The Past".

No idea whats wrong with me lately.
I keep dreaming about my ex boyfriends.
Particularly Mahfuz and Shafeeq.
Not together in one dream,
But one night after the other...

Couple of days ago,
I dreamt of Mahfuz.
It was his birthday on the 8th June,
So I figured maybe that's why.
I dreamt that me and him were still together.
Having lotsa crazy fun as always...
Woke up feelin a pang of sadness.
I guess I really do miss those days.

I opened my pandora box today...
Took out pictures of him and I.
Can't help missing those days.

He was the first guy I kissed...
Here's a pic of that nite.
It was my sweet 16th birthday.

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And then there were the millions of pics we took.
Friends randomly took snaps of us in class together.
Because I was making a photo album for him.
And also because I knew he was leaving...
I wanted to have as many pics of us as possible.

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And then came that day when I hugged him goodbye.
His family was moving back to Perak...
It was the last time I saw him.

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8 months later, we decided to let go.
A year and 11 days into the relationship.
Thats how I lost my first love.

Last nite,
I dreamt about Shafeeq.
I dreamt that him and I were still together.
Shafeeq's birthday is in April,
So I have no clue why he suddenly popped up.
But he still looked gorgeous...
And I still remember what made me fell for him.
Looking back at our videos,
Those I took at Tanjung Aru beach made me smile.

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Thats one of the many things Shafeeq does best,
Making me smile.

The pic we took together in his car was my favourite pic of all.
I still have it in a frame in my room.
oH... and our prom pic.
awWww... prom.

Then I had to come to Brisbane to study.
Shafeeq and I celebrated our One Year Anniversary,
which was also on Valentine's Day.
The day after, he sent me off at the airport.
We gave up on our relationship 2 months after that.

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The extraa blurry pic above was taken at the airport.
It was our last picture together as a couple.

Also in my 'little black box' was a disc.
In the disc were pics of
Wayne and I.
Lookin back at the pics reminded me of one thing:
He has the most beautiful eyes I've ever got drawn to.
Ok ok... I need to share this.

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Ignore me in the pic please.
I look like poo.
That was when I was the fattest.
Wayne must've been possessed to have seen something in me.
(whoever cast that spell on him, THANKS!)
But yea, dont u think he's got the greatest eyes ever?
With that mischievious twinkle?
Like he's up to something bad... LoL

Wayne and I had lotsa fun together...
Too bad they were short-lived.

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Cuz then he had to leave Brisbane.
I had to shrug and tell myself,
"I'll be fine"...

Wayne and I tried to stayed in contact tru the internet.
Webcams and all.
It worked for a while...

When Wayne told me he decided to study in Malaysia,
I was beyond hopeful that it'd work out...
But eventually,
like the others...
We went our separate ways.

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Wayne and I are still in contact now though.

And as I mentioned in an earlier post,
I do miss him alot.

And the crazy part is,
He's still getting cuter.
I didnt know it was possible!

Another guy I had heaps of fun with was Todd.
Me and his pics were also stored in that disc.
Todd and I were crazy together...
LoL Had heaps of fun,
and lotsa laughs!
Its been a while since I saw him now.
The last time I chatted with his bro,
I was told he's doin great.

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(sorry about the really whacked pics.
I actually didn't manage to save any "normal" pics of me and Todd.
It goes to show how crazy we were I guess.)

Todd and I,
We didn't really go out.
We were just kinda...
You know...
In the grey area.
But it was fun while it lasted...

Todd's great.
So nice, so sweet...
To the point that I gave in to my insecurities.
I couldnt convince myself that I could be right for him.

But until now,
I can still hear his laugh echoing in my head.
That loud crazy deep laugh.
*fuzzy feeling*

oH... I found a 'normal' pic of us.
Taken at Fraser Island.

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The disc also contained many Word documents.
They were all past letters and emails and chats I saved.
Reading back made me feel weird...
Its like,
Reliving the pain.

Its amazing how I could actually still feel it.

All the goodbyes.
The struggles to keep a relationship alive...
To keep myself together while I watch someone I really care about walk out my life...
Then one long distant break up after the other.

Is this why I don't believe in giving myself completely anymore?
Because the past few times when I was innocent enough to do so,
I ended up getting burnt.
And its a scary realisation to find that,
Until today,
The pain still lives.

One thing for sure,
No more long distant relationships for me.

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