February 23, 2009

.the closest to a 'parisian romance'.

if i could write about everything that has happened and changed in me in the last weeks, i would. because there wasn't a single moment spent with him that i would ever want to forget. 

there are so many memories, so many beautiful words spoken, so much affection and feelings and tears in the mix that i truly dont know where to begin explaining or retelling the experience i had just lived (and left behind)... it felt like i had taken a trip to europe and did the whole cliche "meeting a french guy" thing and living in a world separate to what i'd usually call normal.

i am now back to the real world.

i have learnt so much from him about being a good person and... a good girlfriend. i know what u're thinking, and i agree, i havent been the best (if not the worst) when it came to being someone's girlfriend. like you, i had long given up on that idea.

but with him, i felt different. i know everyone feels different with every different person they're with, but how he made me feel different is in the way i think, act and.. well, feel when i'm around him. i guess it also helped that he tells me how happy he is all the time...

i dont know why or why him... but thinking back, with him, i threw out the list of "must have" that i usually set for the men i choose, i found myself wanting to be around him all the time, i felt 16 again and wanted to do all those girlfriend things with and for him, i wanted to take care of him, i wanted to spend all my money on him, i wanted to make his friends love me, i wanted to be the best i could be for him... and here's the awesomest part, i found myself dismissing other guys without any hessitation because in my mind, i could not see anyone better... or even just anyone i wanted more than i wanted him. like he said, you're with the person only because he/she is the best, and that was who he was to me.

and the thing is, i was not doing all this to win his attention or affection because i didn't have to, for i can say with no reservations that he is always attentive and affectionate with me; and i'm saying this because usually when a girl does or even says the things above, its usually because she has to in order to win over the guy who treats her like crap; but that was not us. i never doubted that he cares a lot about me. he was always holding my hand, always wanting to see me and take me out to meet his friends, always in touch when we're apart, always there, always wanting to know and listen to my stories, past, problems, fears, troubles, wants and needs... and he's always assuring me that he would be my pillar, and that i can always lean on him. 

i also like how he gets annoyed when girls eye him when we're together, and yes, i have witnessed girls eyeing him, like, with their full-on-slutty looks (seriously!) as we casually walk along a street. it makes me laugh to see his reaction, and how he calls them "disrespectful" (to me), and how this one time, he MADE ME kiss him in front of her because he got so uncomfortable with that slut's fixated stare. i had to laugh at that. i then told him its okay, i'm okay with girls looking at him and if i did feel threatened, i would put my "taken" stamp on him. but he told me that would not be enough. he believes that not only do i need to do the girlfriend thing, but he, as the boyfriend, needs to show the slut that he has completely no interest and is happy and satisfied with the girl in his arms. most people probably already know that though, but i never thought of that. he truly shed new light on me about relationships.

anyway, i could go on and on about him, but i shouldn't. because no matter how much i say, i wouldn't be able to capture it all. so... i just want to say... i really like/liked him. the thought of "love" did cross my mind, but i think at this stage, if i did think it was, it would have been more of an infatuation or the usual, lust. although i'd say if things stayed the way it did, i can most definitely see myself loving him. that was what he said to me too, as we hugged, kissed and exchanged teary goodbyes this morning.

hey, one thing he didn't successfully get rid of however is my inner skepticism. you'd think, if this guy was THAT great, why would i have let him go when he's only moving to the gold coast. as in, why not try to make it work, right? its not like he's already going back to france. - well, thats where my skeptical side kicked in. because he was so great in so many ways, i did not dismiss the notion that 1st, its only our first few weeks together, of course we'd be starry eyed... and 2nd, we probably would not have been so great if he wasn't leaving. so there u go. despite it all, i still could not believe in a happy ending... at least not at this point. i dont mean that only with him, but just the idea that everything could be real when it feels so great. after all, good things dont last, so enjoy it while it does. and that was what i did. no regrets; and i think the hurt was worth it. (i also hope i dont forget all the french words he taught me)

so... to anyone who actually bothered reading all the above and doesnt think i'm being a child or a mindless bimbo who sees the world through a flowery glass (or whatever the expression is) and is genuinely worried if i'm okay, dont worry. i'm fine. alesha dixon's "breathe slow" is keeping me composed. :)

and no, i am not and will not be moving to france.

oh, and i should also say... if by chance my future boyfriend is reading this, don't fret. you dont need to be like him, because if you're right for me, i think i can tell better now. :)

anyway, till i find a sad break up song that applies to me and him, enjoy pow wow's "le chat" (the cat)... it was our song -

je suis la souris - i am the mouse; 
et moi le chat - and i'm the cat.
[our thing] :)

... and with one last kiss...

-another chapter closed-


minuteman said...

as we grow older,i guess we become disenchanted with life.so for you to actually go thru this is a blessing.its a wonderful thing.some people only dream of going thru what u went thru.i guess i know how u feel.the feeling of being young.the feeling that the world is actually a not so bad place after all.the feeling that nothing else matters in this world.only him/her.im guessing your experiencing a plethora of feelings.don't fret.embrace it.

and no,you're not a child or a mindless bimbo.anybody who things otherwise are just being envious of you ;)

Anonymous said...

now you know what love might feel like, stop being so skeptical!


MsMusicJunkie said...


Anonymous said...

You win some, you lose some

You will win when you don't lose

Anonymous said...

Punya panjang... read half way.... stuck.. lol


.lennie.sam.lee. said...

:) thanks guys.

minuteman, :)