March 17, 2006

Self Evaluating; Trying to Find "WHY?"

In brief, here are the things I did today:

1. I had lunch with Bernard at Satay Club.
Then we went to get a few stuffs he needed
for his house. Then we said our goodbyes.

2. I met Lalat after my lunch. I accompanied
Lalat to buy something, and then we went to
get my 18 plus card done. (suppose to be our,
but Lalat forgot her passport) Then we went
back to Uni for class.

3. I helped Shaz to buy his Theories book.

4. I went home after class.

YESTERDAY:

1. I was on the phone with Shaz for... Hmm...
7 hours and 30 minutes!
I know... I couldn't believe it myself.
But anyway, we spoke from 3am - 10.30am.
I slept for 3 hours, then I had to go buy Sisca's
surprise Bday cake.

2. I wreaked Sisca's surprise party.
It was dumb of me... SIGH.
But, if you put the "dumb" part aside,
It's actually pretty funny.
But thats just me.

3. I slept before sun rise.
I deserve a pat on the back.


--------------------------------------------

ANYWAY...
Today and Yesterday,
I had some time to reflect on myself.
My character and my way of "socialising"...

You know,
I've always stereotyped guys who hangs out with groups of gals as the "not so good" type of guys.
And guys who uses words to butter up a girl he barely knows, bad bad badd....
And every time I check out a guy's profile on Friendster,
I always ignore them just because their list are made up of 99% female.
To me, that's a BAD SIGN.
It's just... when I see that...
The thoughts that crosses my mind?

- NOT A GOOD GUY.
- A PLAYER.
- A "See One, Want One" Type of Guy.
- Not Serious.
- NOT Boyfriend material.


Then it hit me...
I am potentially the FEMALE version of that type of guys.
(gaddaMmit!!! @#$$@$^*%$!!)
Altho my friendster isn't flocked with males I hardly know,
I am aware that I'm always with the opposite sex.
When I say "with"... I mean...
They're around.
The worst part is...
They're visible to the public's eye.

(not like I make any effort to hide them,
I'm really open about these things,
*which I now realise isn't such a good thing*)

But,
NO WONDER I HAVE THIS REPUTATION!
(1st result of my self-evaluation)

Then I thought about it.
I gave myself excuses like,
"Yes, I have many male friends."
"Yes, I'm more frequently in contact with my male friends compared to female friends."
"Yes, I'm always playing and having fun with them."
- The thing is,
I've always told myself that THATs just ME being friendly.
While others call me a flirt.


BUT OF COURSE THEY'D CALL ME A FLIRT!!!
I have friends who doesn't dare to let their boyfriends come too close to me.
I have male friends who can testify that sometimes I do give people mix signals.
I have weird guys, saying weird things to me all the time...

WHY?!
BECAUSE I APPEAR TO BE THAT KINDA GIRL!!


and one thing I should probably HAVE to knock into my head is,
SHERLENE, THAT NOT BEING FRIENDLY!!
THAT IS FLIRTING!!!!


I’m the type of girl that guys feel "open" enough to say ANYTHING to.
That because of my Playful nature!
They know I wouldn't take it seriously,
And guess what?
'THEY' WOULD NEVER TAKE 'ME' SERIOUSLY!
The thing is,
I really don't take their playful/flirty words seriously.
In fact,
I love shooting them back with witty remarks,
And seeing the looks on their faces!
And I do all that, thinking I was just being playful!!

Why do I do it?
Because I seriously DO think its fun!
And now,
At the end of the day,
I have to pay the toll for those so-called "fun" I had.
By creating myself this reputation,
Making everyone think/feel/know that I'm a Flirt.
Someone you should never take seriously.

Thus, I asked myself...
Is this the rep I wanna walk around with for the rest of my life?

Shaz said to me during our 7 hours convo,
He said:
"Sure, Mr.Right will find you,
But if you carry on being the way you are,
You'll only drive him away,
and you wouldn't be able to do anything about it."


That really stuck with me.

You see...
I wanna find a decent guy.
Someone I can really look into the future with.
And I dare admit,
There is this specific type of guy I would WISH to find,
But really...
When I come to think of it,
Would the right guy see ME as the type of girl he wishes to find?

Me, from how I see it (and how others would see it):
A playful girl,
WHO ISN'T ONLY PLAYFUL WITH HER OWN GUY,
who wants to have lots of fun,
NOT ONLY WITH HER OWN GUY,
who says really sweet things,
NOT ONLY TO HER OWN GUY,
who wants her guy to be serious and mature,
BUT ISN'T SERIOUS OR MATURE HERSELF...

Tell Me.
Who would want a girl like that?
A girl other girls would label as
- a "player",
- a "flirt",
- a "slut". period.


I guess now the main question is really...
"Sherlene, do you want to meet the right guy?"

If yes,
Start doing something about it.
Like changing my way of talking with guys.
Its not like I shouldn't have fun,
But fun doesn't always have to include,
"being over friendly with the male species"

(I'm using the term "Over friendly" because...
I refuse to call it "Flirt"...
Simply because I really did think I was just being friendly.
And I had no intention of misleading anyone.)

But If No,
Then I guess I'll just tell myself,
"You're only 21! Have fun laaa!!"

I'll sleep on it.

1 comment:

Raven Angel said...

... I may have only met you once/twice/thrice (whichever the case, you get the drift I hope), I just think that it's more important to be yourself. To change is pretty much up to you, but whatever you do, don't change for the sake of others.

I swear to you that it's not worth it.