March 19, 2006

Back at One

Current Status:
- Single

Current Song:
- Lifehouse - Blind

Current Feeling:
- Depressed

Current Emotions:
- Teary, very teary.

Current Need:
- Shaz

Current Thoughts:
- Im in pain. AGAIN.
I was healing perfectly a week ago.
Now, I'm back in square one.
I'm crying again.
When will this be over?

A couple of days ago,
Shaz and I started contacting each other again.
I should have known it was a bad idea.
We spoke about hanging out again...
About spending time together again...
As dumb as I was,
I was actually looking forward.
I think that was when I unintentionally set myself up for another heartbreak.

Last night Shaz and I was on the phone.
I wasn't in a good mood...
As much as I wanted to speak to him,
The convo just got bad to worse.
I ended up snapping at him and making him feel like I was trying to push him away.
It was never my intention...
Because at that time,
All I could think of is having him coming over to my place like before,
Comforting me, and hugging me to bed,
Making me feel like there's not a single worry in the world...
Thinking of that and knowing it can't possibly ever happen again just frustrated me more.
Hence, the act of me snapping.

I dont wanna hurt him.
The thought of him hurting as much as I am, kills me.
The thought of him NOT hurting like I am, kills me too.
I'm going crazy.
At this rate,
I'm never moving on.

Its so hard.
Its so hard to keep myself together.
Its so hard to stay away.
Its so hard to NOT think.
Its so hard to not wish.
Its so hard to forget...

Its so hard to stop crying.

I tell myself everyday,
"Pain only cuts as deep as u allow it to."

... still, it hurts.

Current Heart:
- Shattered beyond description

Current Soul:
- Lost and Lonely

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