I was washing the dishes a while ago.
No idea why, but suddenly, I had a thought...
One sentence kept repeating in my mind,
"What comes around, goes around."
Suddenly I imagined myself dating a guy...
A guy who is a Christian.
(This post isn't meant to offend anyone)
I know how some Christians can be quite strong on their beliefs.
In a sense where...
If they date a girl who isn't Christian,
They might expect the girl to accept Christ one day.
Its not like I dont believe in what they believe in,
I'm really nonchalant about these things,
Altho I am deep down a Buddhist.
I believe in my religion, and I respect other's.
I dont mind attending church services,
listening to preachers, singing the songs...
(which actually sounds pretty spunky)
I dont think thats all a true Christian bf would want from me.
I remember speaking to Iik Soon once.
He told me that if he had a non-Christian gf,
Who could possibly be his future wife,
He would expect her to believe in what he believes.
I told him,
(If I was that gf of his...)
"I would attend church and etc. I dont deny the existence of Jesus.
I respect what u respect. But don't stop me from praying to the
Gods that I was brought up to have faith in."
Iik Soon said,
"But there's only one God."
Im sure u know what that implies.
Then again, I don't blame him.
And I know he's not the only one who would think that way.
I've been to MANY Christian events...
80% of them tried their best to convert me.
(again, no offence)
And I'm not even ANYONE to them...
Imagine if I was the gf of a guy who holds such strong faith.
You get what Im trying to say right?
That then led me on to think:
"Imagine if I fell for a such a guy, which wouldn't be too surprising, cuz Christians are everywhere."
And then I thought:
"Imagine if he dumped me becuz we couldn't work out these religious issues."
Because, I dont think I would convert,
(and I wouldnt wanna pretend)
And I dont think he could live comfortably with me, not sharing his faith.
Would that leave me in Shaz's shoe?
When I told him we couldnt have a future becuz he was muslim?
And then I realised...
That could SOOOO happen.
what goes around, does come around!
Suddenly, at the midst of washing my dishes,
I realised Im really afraid to fall in love.
And I totally do not look forward to that day at all.
Then I thought back to a few weeks ago...
When I was getting myself into one mess after another.
Each and every mess contained a different guy.
The scary part is...
The last time this happened was about 3 years ago.
And you know what I ended up with?
3 years ago,
I was greedy and selfish.
All I could think of was having fun.
I juggled around...
Twisting and turning the opportunities I had around my little finger.
At the end,
I messed up.
I lost all of them...
After that period of my life,
I ended up being single for 2 years and a half,
Not being able to find anyone right.
3 years later,
Im back in this situation.
I was greedy and selfish.
All I thought about was to have fun.
At this moment,
I think I can probably say...
I lost them all again.
How did I ever managed that?
In my defence...
All the guys,
Back then and presently,
They were all... well... lets just say,
I dont really see them as being the one.
'T' was probably the closest to being the "rightest".
he's sweet, he tolerates me, he makes me happy,
he's fun, we can talk, we can laugh, he's chinese,
not a Christian (referring to the possible problem as I said above)...
But my heart just did not respond.
In a way,
I wanted it to.
But the fact is...
After all the crap I wrote above,
I think I'm concluding that...
*altho feelin' a tad bit reluctant*
IF IT MEANS NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND SOMEONE RIGHT,
AND HAVING TO BE SINGLE FOR ANOTHER 2 AND A HALF YEARS BECAUSE OF THE DECISIONS I MADE LAST WEEK,
SO BE IT!!
I HAVE NO REGRETS,
BECAUSE I WAS TRUE TO MY HEART.
AND THATS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS AT THE END OF THE DAY.