May 13, 2006

Making Choices

I dont know which path to choose.

I can either choose the one I need to work on,
which is also the one Im not sure I have the heart to work on.
Not only the heart, but the time...
But I do know that if I can make myself wanna work on this,
It COULD be one of the most stable paths to take.
And it COULD eventually lead to a... well... stable happiness.
Safe, in other words.

I can choose the unstable one.
The one that is currently feeling exciting to me.
The one that doesn't require any planning,
or committments or definite schedulles.
The one that doesn't need my constant attention.
The one that probably suits my current lifestyle the most.
Seeing that I am always up and about,
with different people,
doing different things,
Not having any time for any serious committments.
(except for stuffs I cant get out of, like work and studies)
This goes back to the point I was making in my previous post.
Am I only "immaturely" seeking temporary happiness?

I can also choose to lock myself up in my room.
Tell myself to start living alone,
Becuz I'm messing up many people's lives.
And making things too complicated.


Is this all becuz I've got a committment phobia?
Is this becuz I've not found someone I truly like yet?

The thing is,
I can't imagine myself falling for anyone at the moment.
I dont WANT to.
In my mind, Im convinced that its too much of a hassle.
Relationships are... time consuming and energy absorbing.

I just wanna live everyday for everyday.
Not having to feel tied down or obligated to anything or anyone.

Yes, I do imagine myself in a fun and stable relationship someday.
I do wanna get married and have my own family.
But... definitely not now.
I dont mean the marriage part,
Of coz Im not gonna get married now...
But the stable relationship bit...
I just cant see myself working for one.

I guess the main question is,

"Is this me? Or is this all becuz I've not found the right one?"

At exactly 2.28am...
Option (1) has officially been written off.
*it feels reli sucky - Im sorry*

Option (3) is unrealistic.


Choice Made.

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