.mind games.

Down Mains Road
by lenniez

i was lining up for the bus this morning to get to work at the city. it was half past seven. when the bus came, my heart started pounding; i knew there was a chance he would be on it, also on his way to work. making the extra effort to look natural, i did a quick scan into the bus and caught a glimps of a familiar profile. i sucked in a deep breath.

being completely aware of my every step, i got on the bus. in my mind, things moved rather slowly. i thanked the driver, took my ticket and turned to find a seat. looking up expectantly, my heart sunked with a deep thump. it was not him.

i took one of the far back seats on the bus and stole a couple of glances at the could-be man, still trying to recover from the disappointment. as usual, i pulled out my mp3 player. the bus made its way down mains road. at every stop, i found myself looking up. hopeful. then disappointed. then feeling silly. was this really me?

the bus was suddenly crowded. like an unexplainable memory gap, he appeared; right there; standing beside me. without looking up, i knew for sure that it was him. his presense was unmistakable. mario's i choose you played into my ears. in that moment, it was as if my mind lost control of my being. i saw myself, slowly reaching out to his hand that was rested on his side.

it was warm; his hand was warm. all sensory nerve in my body shifted to where his skin and mine connected. i braved myself to slowly tighten my grip... and felt him lightly squeeze back. my eyes took in the sight that could only be described as surreal. i was holding his hands, and his holding mine. tears prickled the back of my eyelids. it was then i realised the ten thousand different emotions rushing through me, although among them all, i found myself mostly... terrified.

terrified he would pull away? or that he does not (and what that would do to my heart)? i could not decide.

i opened my eyes, not entirely sure when i had shut them. i looked around to see a half empty bus, still gently bumping down the never ending mains road. secondhand serenade's fall for you was playing. i loosely clenched my fist around nothing... realizing that nothing had been there. i exhaled, still feeling the slight moisture formed around my eyes; and feeling sillier than ever.

it was gonna be a long day.

***
diggin a hole and the walls
are caving in behind me,
airs gettin thin but i'm trying,
i'm breathing in, come find me

it hasnt felt like this before
it hasnt felt like home...before you

and i know its easy to say,
but its harder to feel this way,
and i miss you more than i should,
than i thought i could,
i can't get my mind off of you.

the fear you won't fall - joshua radin