April 18, 2009

.questions swimming in circles.

do i never compromise? is that why my relationships never last...? because at the first signs of 'the need to compromise', i bolt?

then when i do feel like i'm compromising, and my partner tells me there's more to do... even the tiniest thing, i'd feel overwhelmed by his request. is that normal? or am i being a stubborn baby? OR is he asking for too much and beginning to take advantage?

then again, how can i say he's taking advantage when its just something so small? something he tells me he needs to feel more secure with me? see, instead of thinking he's asking for too many little things, why can't i think its me who needs to step up and do these little things to make each day we have together happier?

... and how do i get rid of the thought that "if i keep giving in to him, he'd start thinking he's right all the time and start thinking im the one who's always wrong"?

am i the type of girlfriend who doesn't offer enough emotional security? am i really the selfish capricorn? thinking of no one else's feelings but her own? always feeling i'm deprived? always feeling i have a point, so people should understand MY feelings instead of the other way around? - shit. that really is me. shit. shit shit shit.

so... tell me, do we sometimes just need to suck it up for the team? yea, so its not my usual style... but if i can call it a "tiny request", why can't i just adhere to it, right?

geez. feels like its been a while since i opened the "ask your heart" sack and did some valuable self reflections. i usually just sleep things off and act like everything is normal the next day. another selfish act, i know. sigh. i feel tired already.

so sherlene, what now?

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