October 26, 2008

.mind vomit.

wynna just switched to the lifestyle channel on tv, and a couple is talking loudly at each other because of a difference in opinion. reminds me of phoon and i. catch on to phoon and my latest debate here if you feel like a read.

sigh. im beginning to feel... like, "pfft... whats the point?" - we all know phoon and i will never be able to agree on things unless one of us involuntarily backs down.
[and backing down only because we're just sick of it]

but all the hoohah did make me realise a couple of things that i think i've always known, but never dared or found the need to voice -

1. i may still be capable of truly allowing myself to be in a relationship, [YAY!] without holding back as much as i have during my past few relationships. i guess u can call it... a new found strength? :)
[but no worries, it doesnt mean im gonna just throw my heart at the next dude that waltz by. i shud still be capable of identifyin between a real deal and a short term - 3 months make-it or break-it period, rite?]

2. i am so blessed to have friends who have stuck by me despite all the rough and rocky roads i've took them on. i've always had my sis, my girls and ivan... they've seen me thru all my failed and dramatic break ups, and still loved me. selina has repeatedly reminded me how i have a pattern when it comes to relationships (and admittedly, i do - i do the same things to different guys all the time) and she worries for me (and the guy i date) every time... but when the guy leaves the picture, she and my other pals are always there. yes, i am a repeat offender when it comes to getting into crappy relationships, and i'm not proud of it. but it has also showed me who's truly in my life to stay.

3. experience does teach you some tricks to life and relationships; but i've also learnt that one actually needs to be facing those emotions right there and then to be able to understand how it truly feels. [and im not referring to "dont touch the kettle when the water is boiling" type of experience] remembering that you've been hurt and that it wasnt pleasant isnt the same. yes, u might have experienced it before... but it doesnt mean u're the expert. because i've also learnt that when someone wants something, they'd always find an excuse for it. some magical reason to relieve them of the guilt or just to convince them that they're not doing anything wrong. [ie: its a different person, different circumstances, or different wants/needs at that time of their lives] maybe by understanding that people tend to do that, you'd be able to understand why certain people do things you THINK you logically wouldn't do. [ie: cheating on a partner or taking someone's boyfriend] also, we all know that third parties only gets the best view because they're not driven by emotions. so sure, they can be helpful when trying to point things out that are obvious to everyone but the ones blinded by raging emotions. but who are these third parties to judge how the parties shud feel when their emotions are not string to the actual situation? well... sure~ if our feelings had an on/off button. [note sarcasm]

4. its easy to leave a relationship feeling strong, unharmed and even burdened by the other party when you're the one walking away, rather than the one being left behind. dont judge the weaker one when the only reason why you're stronger is because you gave up on the relationship first. wait for the day when u thought u have it all, and someone decides to pull the mat from right under you and there's nothing u can do about it. tell me you'll be fine by tomorrow and ready to just act like you never had all the things you wanted at the palm of your hands. tell me you wont start questioning why and how you let it slip away. and tell me you wont try to get it back when u think you may have discovered the reason for your slip up, and want to make amends. and no offence, i think if you can honestly tell me that you wont try to get it back, its only because you either never wanted it enough in the first place, you never thought u deserved it, or you're simply too proud of own up to the fact that its true.
[upon saying that, i dont mean they necessarily deserve a second chance. im merely saying their emotions have founded grounds.]

5. i find it hard to accept someone's view when they proclaim the extremes. but whats harder is when you know that person enough to know [as a fact] that they can't possibly mean it. when that happens, do you just snicker behind their backs? or do you voice it out to them? - never say never. safe to say, my sis and i share the same view on that. i can never understand how some people can be so "brave" when they say they'd never do something when, we can't possibly see what awaits us all tomorrow. oh wells.

now, as i've been taught... my blog, my rants rite?


Stan didnt write this said...

I really love your point no.3 especially on the part with Selina. I dont even have to think too deep and I found out the reason why Selina can observed you so well and always be there....its because she only have Cyrus to worry about for the past 5 years!!!!!LOL....dont tell Selina i make this comment ok cox she is holding the keys to my Christmas party place.

Anonymous said...

I like it when you said "when someone wants something, they'd always find an excuse for it. some magical reason to relieve them of the guilt or just to convince them that they're not doing anything wrong"

i strongly agree with what you said... people do that all the time, trust me...example, [she said "double dipping" is disgusting] but when the dippping is done by a guy that she really likes, a guy who double or even tripple dipped, she could still find million of excuses defending this guy...

I personally think that one should not cheat, one should not take someone's else bf...BUT who is to say/guarantee that i will NEVER put myself in such situation where i fall for someone else's guy? Even i, myself, can't be sure (u never know when prince charming will come knocking on ya door)

i suppose, what i'm trying to say is...it's easier to say things like "what you did was wrong" instead of "what i did was wrong"...

For whatever i've mentioned/ possibly crapped above, I guess, one day, any day, we will (hopefully) realize whether it's worth it, for all the excuses, for all the magical reasons that we'd made all this time...

As people always say, never try, never know... but we must always remember to learn from there, the key word is to 'learn' from there... and perhaps then we will be able to make wiser decisions? :)

Anonymous said...

also, this is to [stan didn't write this] B***! it's pretty obvious who wrote the comment...