.not the cheeriest end-of-year post.

its the last day of 2009 - and as predicted, 2009 was a surprise.

i met love.

despite that, never would i have imagined my year ending this way. two paths. one - a happy dead end. other - another round of scraping myself off the ground.

someone said to listen to myself. do what i want to do, so there would be less room for regret. but what if, what i want to do will clearly lead to a dead end? for what i'm fighting for holds nothing more than short-term emotional satisfaction? ...and inevitable future misery?

***

sometimes i wish "being realistic" is the silly option. after all, its love that we're dealing with. sometimes... i wish heartbreaks are like... stomach aches. take a pill and its gone. sometimes i wish i could close my eyes and find myself exactly where i know i should be... no where else than in those arms i've grown accustomed to.

i know my dreams are fading; and will someday be lived by someone else. and all i can do is hope that one day, that thought will stop tearing my soul apart. after all... so i heard... "sometimes you love, you learn... and you move on... and it's ok."

they forgot to mention how it doesn't hurt any less though. :'(

sigh... at least i know this is the last time i'll be crying this year.

to a new year, my friends.

stay strong.

.you've become my outlet once again.

sorry bout the hiatus.
you bet i'll be blogging again soon.
(i'm really just talkin to myself)

and just a quickie update:

the heart is still broken and yet to be mend.

would've been easier if it wasn't still in love... :(

merry xmas folks. stay tuned.

.daggers to the heart.

this month's pms mood is "down"... not angry, not anxious, not psycho, not grumpy (at least not predominantly) but rather, i'm feeling very sad.

i was driving home alone tonight and started singing in the car... it was all down hill from there:

"i will cross the oceans for you... i will go and bring you the moon... i will be your hero, your strength, everything you need..."

*tears swells up* - stops singing - change song.

"boy i hear you in my dreams, i feel your whisper across the sea, i keep you with me in my heart, you make it easier when life gets hard..."

*swells* - stops - change.

"let me sleep, for when i sleep i dream that you are here... you're mine... and all my fears are left behind.."

same happens. change.

"i know its crazy but, you still can touch my heart... and after all this time... you think that i... wouldn't feel the same... but time melts into nothing... and nothing's change.... i still believe... someday you and me... will find ourselves, in love again..."

mind drifts. :(

"oceans apart... day after day... and i slowly go insane. i hear your voice on the line, but it doesn't stop the pain... if i see you next to never... how can we say forever...

... i took for granted, all the times... that i thought would last somehow... i hear the laughter, i taste the tears... but i can't get near you now...

... wherever you go, whatever you do, i will be right here waiting for you... whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, i will be right here waiting for you...

... i wonder how we can survive... this romance... but in the end if i'm with you, i'll take the chance........."

***

okay.

one emo-while-you-clean-your-room day granted.

.10pm and already knackered!.

2 nights, 2 different nightmares...

the ones that shooks you and wake you up from deep sleep.

why? why all this mind-unrest? :(

now as a direct result of that,

i havent been sleeping well.

doesnt help that im doing a 48.5 hour week at work either.

my leg is killing me!

but i'm gonna focus on the dollars...

yea... eyes on the prize, gurl!!! eyes on the prizeeeee!! :)

ok, goodnight world!

.extreme my arse.

here's a recent observation that has made me realize exactly how important "moderation" is. I've noticed that when a person particularly appears to have a particular dominant trait, they end up being the worst of the exact opposite of that said trait...

it's almost like they just suddenly felt "screw this. I'm over being (insert good trait)" and suddenly decides to act out, directly conflicting with who they were before.

IMHO... those who claims they are an extremist (or tries/want to be one) of something are either in serious denial or are deep down unhappy but too proud to admit it.

here's what I mean in the most simplistic way -

the one who's the "nicest" always end up saying the nastiest things. not the "never thought she'd say something like that" type of nasty but the seriously nastiest thing. almost like they've been holding the words back in their time of being "nice" and now they don't care and is letting it all out.

others are such as -

1. the most permiscuous one ends up mindlessly falling the hardest;

2. the one who never had a comment ends up being the most judgemental one;

3. the toughest one ends up falling into depression;

4. the virgin Mary ends up becoming the slut;

5. the good kid, under "too much pressure" ends up becoming the drop out who's at the brink of an OD at the alleyway;

6. the obedient kids end up going against their parents in the most cruel/hurtful/forceful way;

of course not all of them.. but u see what I mean. people who almost forces themselves to live a certain way or be a certain way almost always end up "giving up" and heading towards the opposite direction...

is this all because we don't practice moderation or because we're in such denial of who we are because we don't admit we can't possibly live up to the expection we've set for ourselves?

I always try not to use "never"... it helps keep the conscious clean - and it helps make u look less like an idiot at the end of the day.

... by the way, while I'm on this, let's not forget the otherrr type out there. the ones who shamelessly promotes themselves as "i never judge people" and "I never talk behind someone's back" when everyone knows they do... those are seriously the ones who make me cringe the most. look in the mirror, asshole. yes, YOU. I seriously hope he reads this.

now lastly, here's MY disclaimer - I'm in no way saying any of the above doesn't apply to me. :) and if u wanna rub one in my face, I'm calling first dibs for the kettle! so u can be the pot! :) xx

ps: this is just an observation... :) don't mean any harm. except to that asshole of course :)

.random; so random - sorry!.

i miss ELN so much when i reread one of his very first sms to me saying, "take care of yourself because you're a little bit of mine now too."

...

i miss him scolding me for not replacing the roll of toilet tissue paper after using up the last one.

:D

.my theory of the beginning of a journey.

so here's my theory of "the beginning of romance" between guys & girls -

1. guy sees girl and is attracted.

2. girl sees guy checking her out.

3. she then has the choice to:

~ return a signal of mutual interest (try a shy/slutty/fun/flattered little smile before u turn away slowly - while maintaining the smile on your face - indicating and making him feel "he made a good impact on you" - which will boost his confidence at the same time); or

~ totally give him nothing (which means "you're not my type, so please stop staring")

4. aaanyway.. upon receiving a positive response from the girl, the guy should proceed with the next step of pursuit - after all, it's true that if a guy wants u enough, HE will do something - esssspecially after u've already clearrrrly given him the green light (so be cooperative girls!)

5. ... and the rest is history :)

alternatively, if the girl sees the guy first, the only difference is that the first step becomes - girl needs to catch guy's eyes first (cuz 98% of regular guys would naturally check out any girl that he catches shooting him some attention) n then, just like that... the process starts over again :)

*Disclaimer: UNLESS the guy rules her out from the get-go... (cuz lets face it girls... we can be fab, but it happens - he's married, he's seriously in love with his partner, he's gay or... sigh, u're just not his type.)

:) hehee.. ok.. I've bullshitted enough. don't throw rotten tomatoes at me.

.if given the choice...

was chatting with daddy about ELN today and it made me realize one thing...

despite wanting sooo much to travel to france to see him again, if given the choice, i might say no.

reason being-

if i do get to go there, even for month to see him... what then? we pick things up from where we left off, then... what? - i leave again. and once again, we're back to "i dont know when i'll ever see him again"... which will also put us back to square one in terms of trying to be okay without each other.

sigh.

i dont need more reasons to feel that this guy is perfect for me. :(

okay. time to refocus.

CAREER.

a great one too.

yes.

thats where i'm heading.

*exhale*

.turn around & hide.

never actually thought of how I'd react if I saw him again. "him" being a guy I use to have a crush on and haven't seen in a while now.

well well.. lucky me. I "think" I saw him today while I was at work. my first reaction?

I turned around.. well actually, it was more like.. I "spun" around (involuntarily) as quick as a girl my size could and secretly prayed that he did not see me. I'm still praying for that now.. especially after my whole spinning trick. wasn't a pretty sight at all. sigh.

I don't know why I reacted that way.. it's not like there's anything there. I'm such an idiot. gah!

on a different note, I'm in the middle of sitting through another movie marathon. it's going to be a fun night of rom-coms, with my favourite pink robe in my arms and the rain outside. if only I had some warm cuddles to go with that. *misses my ELN again*

sigh.

anywayy.. have a nice Friday beautiful world. AND happy 24th my sweety pie Lena Soo!! xoxo

.recommended.

i watched "the time traveler's wife" today with selina... and it broke my heart.

i miss erwann so much.

.need a little more "cruel" in me?.

i think im not cruel enough. when dealing with people, i mean. specifically in professional environments.

see, i dont know what's better -

1. to be insulted and shut up because you dont want to say something mean in return, in fear that you'd hurt someone's feelings? ; or
   
   
2. to be insulted and say exactly whats on your mind, so they'd know u're not some pussy who'd be shoved around - but at the same time, hurt their feelings and perhaps have others pay the consequences of your inability to hold your tongue?

those who speaks without a care in the world - how do you do it? don't other people's feelings matter to you? do you regret things? and if u do, does that stop you from doing it again?

cuz i don't think i'd be able to rest well if one day, i somehow blurted something totally evil to someone (even if its true), especially when it wasn't necessary, and knowing that there was perhaps a better way to get my message across...

how do some people do it?

ie - *purely fictional*cough*

her: "i guess u're just not a good sales person"

me (i wish): "do you actually think before you speak? or even hear yourself? is it really necessary to say such thing? especially when it is so uncalled for? how did you picture me reacting to such a comment? was there a specific result you were aiming to achieve by saying that? and above all, do you really have the rights or even the 'figures' to justify such a comment? or did you just say that because you really don't have anything else to say?? - bitch."

i soo hate that cow who thinks she knows everything. bloody bitch. bloody bloooody bitch. *cough*

.my list just got more serious.

4 years ago... i wrote a list (for fun)... i reviewed it a year ago and still believed it. and whether its healthy for me or not, i still think that list is bloody awesome.

... because despite what others may believe, i honestly and sincerely believe i found him. a guy who really pulled off becoming "the closest to perfection". its almost like he read the list and programmed himself to suit.... *....hmm - naaah...* but go figure.

since then... i learnt more. *yeap, you can shake your head in disapproval now* - but in all seriousness... from my recent adventure, i actually found more... "essentialties" in a relationship. [...yes, i created that word - pronounced 'essential-tees']

now, u don't have to agree with me, but here goes -

***

1. find someone you that makes you want to give them everything, not to show them how much you care or to prove your love for them, not even "because they deserve it", but because you honestly can't tell yourself not to.

2. find someone that you can trust to never give up on you because you failed them or yourself or the relationship; someone who would instead pump in more effort and energy to make things right for the both of you because they know u're in this together, especially when one is momentarily weak.

3. find someone who would stand up for you against any negativity when you need them to, in a way that shows they honestly believe in you and your ability and strength, not because you can't stand up for yourself, but because they can sense your vulnerability in your silence without you having to express it.

4. find someone who would, despite whatever they believe in, always make you feel assured and confident in their special affection and care for you, especially when it matters most.

5. find someone who sees you both as one against everything else; not meaning to rob each other of the ability to stand on your own and be independent, but as one against anything that tries to break you two apart.

***

now i really can say goodbye to finding mr.perfect, huh?

thats alright, i'll feed my soul with a successful career and be one of those woman with no soul and a steel heart. hey... that could come in handy in some areas of law, don't you think? ;)

.think of me.

officially ONE MONTH since he left.

i think i've found a song that is now the official song for my thoughts when i think of him... its david archuleta's version of "think of me" - made famous by the movie phantom of the opera.

listening to it makes my knees buckle, eyes water and have a heavy 'something' weighing upon my heart.

i read an article recently about losing someone you love. she wrote, "i wasn't afraid to cry every day. i wasn't going to pretend everything was okay because it wasn't, because i knew someday reality will catch up with me." - reading that got me worried...

because all this time, i havent been too upfront with myself. i havent allowed the tears to come as freely as i probably should... and now i'm left wondering what will become of me when it finally does.

you'll probably read about it soon enough. my apologies in advance. but till then -

Think of me, think of me fondly

when we've said goodbye

Remember me once in a while

please promise me you'll try

When you find that, once again, you long

to take your heart back and be free

if you ever find a moment

spare a thought for me

We never said our love was evergreen

or as unchanging as the sea

but if you can still remember

stop and think of me

Think of all the things

we've shared and seen

don't think about the things

which might have been

Think of me, think of me waking,

silent and resigned.

Imagine me, trying too hard

to put you from my mind.

Recall those days

look back on all those times,

think of the things we'll never do

there will never be a day,

when I won't think of you

Flowers fades,

The fruits of summer fade,

They have decisions, so do we

but please promise me, that sometimes

you will think of me...

Think of Me - David Archuleta

.fingers crossed for the little one.

loooong loooong days ahead.

full friday and saturday. *fuh*

anywayz,

have funnn sheensie poo!!!

the world can truly be wonderful sometimes...

lets see my gal prove it :)

xox

.we're loved; SO loved.

finally...

good news are headed this way.

and that means one thing -

celebrate.

great night at the met.

more festivities to come!

thank you :)

.i'll be your voice.

this may sound sick to many people, but i can now clearly state that -

i find true pleasure and enjoyment in speaking for others.

whether its telling someone else's story to another person for the person (sheensie-poo gets a lot of me doing that...) or helping them argue or make a point... i'm there! :)

like, taking recent examples: i'd listen to their problems. they'd ask for my opinion as to what i'd do in their situation. instantly, i'd say something along the lines of... "i'd say..." - and then feel, yea, that sounded really good. i think that'd do the trick. - which would then give me a strong urge to WANT TO SAY IT FOR THEM...

full of sh*t? smart arse (like ivan)? bloody nosy? or perhaps, born to be an advocate? ;) hehee... either way, i find it amusing. whats my problem, right...? :P

note: u don't have to find it amusing too.

.a song for right now.

i was telling julia tonight how i havent really broke down and cry since he left. we then concluded, there shall come a day when the floodgates will be opened and everything would come crashing down.

yippee. imagine my joy and anticipation...

then i heard this old delta goodrem song on my mp3. i only just updated my song list and had chucked a dozen of older songs in there. this was one of them...

... definitely not a good idea. 2 words. breaking point.

***

if it's okay

i'll leave the bed light on,

and place your water glass where it belongs;

and if it's alright

i'll lie awake at night,

pretending i am curled up at your side...

see i'm circling in these patterns

living out of memories;

i'm still a long way from accepting it

that there's just no you and me...

but if i still believe you love me,

maybe i'll survive;

so i tell myself you're coming home,

like you've done a million times;

and if it's alright,

i'll still be loving you...

'cause i can't break it to my heart...

***

.at that point.

i think... something in me broke yesterday.

nothing physical.

i'm talking about matters of the heart.

unexpected and unwelcome tears burned my eyes...

i wasn't even thinking about sad thoughts.

perhaps thats how it is when the heart cries.

when the mind plays no part in it...

and i think, that's what's scary.

i dont think i'm entirely ready to let go.

but i do know that,

something in me has definitely given up...

and it hurts.

.3 minute random day dream.

was listening to anberlin's "inevitable" ...and ended up imagining a conversation taking place between a guy and a girl who has always longed for one another, and are finally given a chance to sit together at a quiet spot at a park somewhere, after their first 'real' date...

Inevitable - Anberlin

***

girl smiles at guy... looking away slightly, anticipating the next course of events that might take place between them...

slowly their heads tilt towards each other, although still not directly face to face.

guy, whispers knowingly to girl, "kiss me only when you're ready..."

girl, in a small voice, asked, "ready... for what?" - turning to look up at guy, again just slightly.

guy looks into girl's eyes, "ready to give me your last first kiss..."

***

purely fictional, mind you.

most people don't do cheesy anymore.

***

p.s. happy supposedly 9th month anniversary my dear ELN...

.a positive day.

today, i sat at a cafe during lunch, eating a tiramisu cake alone. it felt empowering at first, then slowly, i started getting bored. the people walking around queen st weren't that interesting. boo.

but its good, at least it was boredom rather than patheticism... :) - and thanks to nanda who joined me after that!! i'll seriously consider the "holiday working visa to uk" thing...

also, it was great seeing pierre and cynthia today. they visited me at work. it was cute how both of them kinda looked at me, silently, with a look that was a mixture of concern and doubt as to whether i was okay after erwann left. :) they're so sweet. can't wait to catch up again. :)

... cant believe its only been a week since he left me. :(

ANYWAY, on a different note, (and a more upbeat one, thank God!) i had a thought today...

how great was it that i was given the honour of giving a speech about my good friend Mouzam at his engagement party? :) it just reaaaally sunk in, that that moment is going to live in my memory for ever.

it truly was special and truly was a huge honour. a very sweet symbol and memory to our 7 year friendship.

imagine, in the future when our kids meet and make friends with each other, i can tell them, "mummy and uncle mouzam are very good friends. mummy spoke at his engagement party, telling everyone how wonderful he is."

*awww*

SO... friends, anyone's next?? :)

i'm on a good-friends-engagement-speech high!

... and again, i'd like to wish all the love and happiness in the world to mouzam and his fiancee, faziya. they make a beautiful couple. :)

.more photos on facebook.

.day 5: post 4th october.

sorry for the melodramatic-ness... just sorta keeping a diary of my progress here. if you don't mind. its therapeutic. :)

just noting that i have been fine. its sunday already. that makes it a week since he's left my side. feels like eternity. i'm not lonely, but i just feel incomplete without him. BUT i have been fine. the strength to hang on and continue being fine is still strong...

although, as you would've noticed... the title of the post highlights "day 5"...

because on the night of day 5, i crashed... a little.

it was unexpected, because i thought i had my basis covered. i've blocked out the things i shouldn't be thinking about, but somehow one innocent thought killed me. it was weird.

i was under my quilt, snuggling up, when i thought to myself "my new quilt is awesome. so fluffy. so comfortable. awesome buy!" - thats when i recalled how him and i had bought it together 2 weeks before he left, becuz i needed a bigger quilt for my new double bed... and how he's kept the little sample piece of the quilt with him, like a little pillow.

those thoughts then led to me, recalling all the times we went shopping together. laughed together. embarrassed one another. annoyed the crap outta each other. - and with those sweet but poisonous thoughts, i fell apart.

i just missed him so much. so so much. so much, i couldn't hold back the tears.

BUT... i'm okay now. its a new day. :)

TODAY, i bought a new pair of stilettos for $50! love it!! wore it to mouzam's engagement party. which reminds me, HAPPY ENGAGEMENT BUDDY!!!! you looked soOOo cuteee!!! - photos shall be uploaded soon!

oxxxox

.after math.

its been 2 days since he left... so i guess its about time to ask the question:

"how is sherlene?"

truth is, i haven't found the nerve to ask, because right now, sherlene is marching on. strong. she hasn't been crying (too much) and she hasn't been spreading negative chi around the people around her (not that she knows of anyway)...

because she's made a deal with herself - even if it means being in denial for a while - that she's not going to allow herself to -

• get sucked into the whole "i just lost my boyfriend" emotional drama;
• take sympathy on herself;
• think that she's lost the love of her life;
• cry every single night;
• show up at work looking unprofessional;
• use this as another reason not to progress in life, especially career wise;
• become all down and negative and hard to be around;
• think being single again sucks;
• lose the positive energy he has planted in her, because he truly has changed the way she thinks and feel about... life.

:)

he's my inspiration - and right now, the most important person (family aside) in my life. before he left, he restored something in me that i haven't been able to believe in for a while now; he gave me the greatest and most unconditional gift...

... the gift of love.

and with that, i shall not allow myself to fall apart.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" - Moulin Rouge

.mooncake festival.3/10/09.

.airport.4/10/09.

xox

.13 hours till...

my roller coaster sunday is here.

i have 13 hours more to hang on tight to the happiness i found 8.5 months ago.

... and yep.

the heart is definitely breaking.

.5 days till...

yeap.

sunday is the day.

ok ok.

keeping things slightly positive,

i've got a job interview on friday.

a legal job.

we'll see what happens.

fingers crossed.

***

by the waaay... i had this blonde moment a week ago - [while working...]

me: yes, we have baby bracelets. *notices the customer pregnant* - so its for your baby?
customer: yes it is.

me: first child?

customer: i'm having 2 girls.

me: at the same time?

customer: *looks at her mother, smiling, then repeating...* she asked if i was having my babies at the same time...

... of course, i realized the silliness of my question almost instantly, so we ended up laughing about it. *ahem*

gosh... imagine me in a court room cross examining. what a joke. lol.

.the count down begins: 13 days.

13 more days before he leaves. thats less than 2 weeks. im hopelessly standing here as my heart breaking moment approaches at full force, with no mercy.

he bid his housemates of 6 months farewell tonight. tears were exchanged, even from me. watching others say their teary goodbyes was enough to hammer me to the ground. it definitely shook my confidence in terms of my own strength to stand up when i watch him walk out of my life.

can it really be next sunday? really? i mean, already?! bloody hell its too soon. :( we've still got things on our list of to-dos. im crumbling. i am.

... and this is what i've assigned julia to do. to slap me out of these type of fogs.

*sigh*

on a funnier note, him and i were talking about how we both thought we would've broken up before this day came; but obviously it didn't happen. now we're both left thinking, "if only we did, we wouldn't be in the crapper right now."

thats funny, right? :)

ok, maybe not.

."she's such a slut" - says who?.

i dont know if every girl does this, but when you look into your past school year book, you're somehow able to point out certain girls with whom you'd attach this comment to -

"she was a bitch/slut (back then)."

it got me thinking, what exactly is it that makes a girl a bitch or slut back in those days?

upon posting that question to some of my girls, i concluded that everyone has a different reason. and here are some that came up -

1. she was a bitch because of the way she snobbishly stared down at people.

2. she was a slut because she was always throwing herself at guys.

3. she was a slut because she had gone through so many different boyfriends throughout her years in school.

4. she was a bitch because she snagged someone else's guy.

5. she was a slut because she was having sex or doing sexual things at that age (teen years).

6. she was a bitch because she spreads lots of gossip about others.

7. she was a slut because she always wore her skirt too short.

8. she was a bitch because she's always speaking her mind without caring about other's feelings.

9. she was a bitch because my best friend says so.

10. she was a bitch because she hooked up with the guy she knew i liked.

11. she was a slut because everyone knows she cheated on her boyfriend!

... and the reasons continue.

*hmm*

personally... i think its safe to conclude that, no matter what you do or how u act or who you are, like it or not, you're a bitch/slut to somebody - as per their personal definition of those words.

so, my rule (for myself) is to:

make an effort to be nice/good/respectful (in my definition) to others and myself, closest to the social norms/standards of my community; and if thats still not enough for some people, meh. i can't please everyone now, can i?

DISCLAIMER: i wasn't referring to anyone or even myself when i opened that discussion about bitches or sluts in school. :) - although others may beg to differ. :P

.the clock is ticking.

its been a while since my last post; somehow pressuring me to make this a quality post. heh.. :) tough luck.

ANYWAY... i haven't change since. still the same ol' lass who gets sucked into drama here and around.

the boyfriend is leaving in less than a month back to France. everyone i've spoken to (mostly sales assistants when im in the shop shopping for my guy) has asked me the same question, "so, are you going?" - yea. like its that simple, huh?

sigh. there's so much i wanna say/type/blog about; but i don't know where to start.

although one thing i do know is i'm trying so hard to convince myself that i will be okay when he leaves. im sure you know how it feels to feel tough one day, and ever so fragile the next. hmm...

i guess if its any consolation, its not the first time i've had to say goodbye to a boyfriend at the airport. its not the first time i had pick myself up from crumbling. its not the first time i had to feed myself with lies that "we'll see each other again"... (cuz i've honestly not seen any of the 3 guys i've sent off, even when they're just in Malaysia... let alone France!)

ANYWAY... i know people say this all the time, but i somehow feel different this time. i dont know if its because my biological clock is ticking; but i can honestly say, this time... i kinda feel like... i'm sending off a guy that i can actually see myself spending the rest of my life with... :(

... and this is when the fragile side of me takes over.

.shall we dance: movie quote.

watched "shall we dance" today, starring richard gere, susan sarandon & j.lo.

... and i thought the line in the video above should most definitely be quoted -

when asked about her take on why people get marriage, susan sarandon's character says:

" ... because we need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'. "

also, i was trying to find my favourite scene from the movie on youtube, but somehow only the foreign languaged ones popped up... [i guess it'll just have to do for now. aaand you might have to watch the whole movie to feel the gravity and emotions of this particular part of the movie... ]

ps: if you're reading this post but not seeing the video, that's cuz u're reading from my automatic facebook note update rather than my original blog post on blogger... [i'm sure there's a link to the original post somewhere.]

.ohhhh how i hateee petty arguments!.

don't u hate it when you argue with your boyfriend and then receive an sms, but then realize it ISN'T from him?!

don't u hate it when you try to make peace with him but things end up worst than you initially left it?!

don't u hate it when you have to go to bed angry at him?

... and further angry/annoyed/disappointed because you know that you can't possibly make peace with him before bed without having to suppress your true feelings about the argument?

don't you hate it when you realize things could've gone differently if you both just calmed down a little bit more and reacted or handled things better?

don't you hate it when a petty issue escalates into a blog-worthy argument, AND ruins the good day you both had together?

don't you hate it when a good day ends badly?

I DO!!! :(

.some PERSONAL asian men turn offs.

in my OWN and VERY OWN HUMBLE opinion...

... i think oriental asian guys who has nice buff looking bodies absolutely SHOULD NOT CARRY BAGS WITH COLOURFUL LITTLE TEDDY BEARS HANGING OFF THEM... because it just looks so stupid. come on! whats up with that??

some kinda trend where you try to pull off looking macho and cute both at the same time?seriously??

you've got the manly body! u've got it! its ever so rare! so work it! BE A MAN!! not a snob, but a man... be funny, be crazy, go nuts... but leave the teddies at home!

... ALSO, whats up with those big and loose round collared t-shirts? i dont mean the shirt is loose, i mean the round neck collar... that big, loose, old looking collars... its like he's been sleeping in it the night before, if not the entire weekend...

but ANYWAY...

im sorry to sound so critical. MAYBE some of these looks work for some asian men, although i bet it'd only be for the really genetically blessed ones. (ie: those with cute/hot faces to begin with, so they can dress up in ANYTHING and still look good)

and the only reason i blogged about this tonight is because i admittedly checked out some cute looking guys on the bus today, and remember thinking "hmm, some asian guys can actually look really hot"... BUT then i was thoroughly disappointed when i saw his bag with the little teddy bears. and another dude with that disgusting/unflattering collar.

perhaps its their girlfriends' way to keep girls away. a little method called "MAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND LOOK RETARDED"... well geewiz. it works!

ok. the bitchiness ends here. goodnight.

.puffy eyes mystery.

been waking up with puffy eyes lately. the kind i get when i cry myself to sleep at night. my post crying eyes. but no, i havent been crying to bed. not consciously anyway.

so why the puffiness?

whether 5 hours or 8 hours or 10 hours, my eyes still starts puffy in the morning!! it never use to be like that! :( is this a sign of aging? inner/subconscious depression? unconscious sleep-crying? hormones? WHAT?!

ON A DIFFERENT NOTE...

sheena graduated today! congratz!! so happy for her and her family!! woOhoOo!! :) [AND as always... 101082101 millions photos of the day will be posted on FB soon]

PS: ronaldo to rival brand beckham in dash for cash

.our seventh month.

2nd cervical cancer vaccination today. i have to say, ouch! despite loving the needle/injection sensation (as always), this one quite surprised me. i felt the needle through and through, and felt the ache (like a post-first-time-playing-badminton muscle ache) seeping into every corner of my upper arm...

good thing i had my support system. the boyfriend. :) he made it! was by my side the whole time, looking more worried than i was. so schweet. :)

also, its our 7th month anniversary. whoa. 7 months! :) we had our ups and downs; moments we wanted to kill each other; moments we wanted to bitch a hundred years about each other's annoying habits and antics... but regardless, viola! at the end of the day, we're here. AND HAPPY. :) :) making up is awesome. - and not forgetting, he bought me another awesome gift! [pictures might be posted later]

this saturday, im attending his work's BBQ. apparently we'll be playing a game of touch football. yep, you didn't read wrong. ME. TOUCH. FOOTBALL. *laughs nervously* Will definitely keep u posted!

ps: Sheensie is graduating tomorrow!! CONGRATZ!!!! xxoxoxx

.first EPL match of the season: before HT.

oh. so painful. my guys... my team... my united.

BRING BACK RONALDO!!

ooooHH!! ROOOOONEYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

finaaalllyyy!!!

33'

Man United 1-0 Bermingham

.desperately finding inner peace.

here's a question. [one i've probably already asked before in the past]

OH hell, tell me again;-

if someone says something about you or something related to you that you do not agree about, does trying to explain and/or stick up for yourself make you "defensive"?

... and what if you do not voice your unhappiness about the comment, then feel terribly shitty for having to cop it? teach me please, how do you deal with the bottled up verbal vomit?

GAH! im going to bed even more disappointed than before. talk about piling more shit on top of existing shit.

.the heart weeps; its been a whole day.

attended a black and white awards night on tuesday. it was a work thing. my store went as the phantom of the opera, hence the mask. was a pretty cool night. i came in top #5 in watch sales twice, which was unexpected. yay! i can sell! (at least im good at something.)

anyway, sheenie boo's parents will be arriving here on friday night. looking forward to be around family again (close enough anyway) - and especially with adults!

cervical cancer vaccination due soon... might go on monday. im guessing, alone, this time.

and yes, i'm still unhappy; although it seems like i'm the only one. it got me thinking, alot. thats never a good thing. (... and yes yes, its obviously boyfriend trouble.) but anyway, i'm gonna stay calm for now. upset, but calm. however that works.

work tomorrow. full day. ciao!

.blue weekend.

im unhappy. i need reassurance. yep, im definitely PMS-ing.

edit:

clumsy moments in the past week. first i dropped my shop's flap door on my forehead, if u can imagine that; and then i tripped while running up a moving escalator. :( *ouch*

mind u, its worse than it looks. :(

.the first moment.

was on the phone with a friend today. he was one of the few people who had witnessed the first few moments between my baby and i when we first met...

he mentioned it to me today, saying:

"i won't forget that night. how you saw him and just fell into his arms. it was love at first sight."

[okay, he didn't say that specifically. i sugar coated the middle bit, but he did call it 'love at first sight'... which is essentially the point.]

... my response:

"awww... *as usual* its not lovvveeee.... we don't do loveee..."

but really, we agreed that we won't. no love business. there u go.

still, i thought it was sweet that a friend remembered one of me and my baby's very first moment... :)

[ignoring the fact that i was actually piss drunk *more so than ever!* and could barely stand on my own two feet (among many other things), and till now have no recollection or actual memory of the event/events of that night. sigh. im a lost cause. but in my defence, it was my birthday celebration!]

mind you, despite all the above, i do acknowledge that the events of that night was kinda bitter sweet. [out of respect, i shouldn't just shove that fact aside; but at the same time, i shall not dive into all that again.]

.sherlene misses sherlene.

for some reason, it suddenly dawned on me that i haven't had time for myself lately. i haven't had time to sit around and get bored.

i know, in some ways, its a blessing. but in another way, it can be... draining?

i realized, i'm either surrounded with people, or alone but with a million things to catch up on. dont get me wrong, i love spending time with friends and devoting my weekend to my boyfriend. i also dont mind working 6 days a week for the money...

but somehow, it just feels... there's nothing i've done lately without having to feel like i'm rushing. i'm always rushing for work. rushing to meet up with people. rushing to bed. rushing to grocery shop, do my laundry, drive out to somewhere. even blogging. there's always this feeling at the back of my head, urging me to finish it up so i can do the next thing i've got down on my mental list.

see, when was the last time i was able to sit in my room, listen to music with random day dreams in my mind - guilt free & uninterrupted? and when was the last time i was able to pick up my guitar to write a song?

those things may seem insignificant to you or to most people... but yea, *deep breath* ...thats me. and hell, since when did i start feeling so tired all the time? :( [perhaps my aching wisdom tooth is no help either]

but dear friends, there's no hidden message in this post. i'm content with my choices... i'm just greedy. :)

ps: i had a good time bowling last nite... :) im gonna make it a regular thing now!

me said to my babe: "if you strike this one, it'd mean i'm verrrryy special!"
AND HE DID! :)

[his first strike of the nite!]

also... my baby learnt how to use the chopsticks. hahaa *clap clap*
he's so adorably proud of himself. :P

.say i'm a bird! [from the notebook].

watched the notebook with my darling tonight...

if you've watched it, you'll remember the "say i'm a bird!!" part? :)

well, after the movie, i hugged my sweetheart and said to him, "say i'm a bird..."

he laughed. "you can't use the same one babe."

"okay, say i'm a snail!" i chirped. [i dont know why a snail... it was the first thing that popped to mind]

... "if you're a snail, i'm a snail."

:) c'mon everybody! *awww in unison!*

... and then he said, "baby... whats a snail?"

-_-"

*it was later worked out that he didn't get my pronounciation, rather than not understand the word. haha afterall, frogs, snails... isn't that what french people live to eat? haHa!